THERE IS STILL HOPE!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS LOVELY PEOPLE!!!!

Christmas apart from being a time where we celebrate the birth of Jesus, (the Messiah) it is also a time when people are reminded that the year is almost over. The latter causes people to think deeply about their lives and some even weep with deep thoughts on why some of the things and events they wished and prayed for have still not come to pass. For some people, Christmas is a time to reflect on their lives, the way they have lived, mistakes they have made and so on. These thoughts and reflections make some people give up on their hopes because they think: "since it did not happen before Christmas, it cannot happen again". 

I do not think that it is a coincidence that Christmas fell on our relationship day. No, it isn't. There is definitely a reason for this and I pray that the reason would be made manifest in your life. We write today just to encourage you not to give up on those dreams and desires of yours. Yes, it might not have come to pass but there are still 6 days left for God to turn your situation around. If nothing happens within the 6 days we have left till the end of this year,  do not give up still. We also write to encourage you to follow God and live in accordance with His ways because He cares for you, yes YOU! And there is HOPE in Him.

Once again, it's Christmas and we are reminded of Jesus, how He was born and what He came to do on earth. He came to set us free from bondage that we may forever live with God and have fellowship with Him. God cares so much for each and everyone of us and this is the reason He sent Jesus (whom we celebrate today) to die for us. When we have a relationship with God, he leads us in the right path and tells us what decision to make in different areas of our lives and at different times. Truly and truly, God can lead you to the right person to get married to and save you from someone that would make your life miserable. God knows all things and you need to be in touch/connected to Him to have this great experience. 

No matter what the situation is, Jesus can save you and help you make the right decisions. He is the saviour of the world! He is the one who can save you from all the hurts and guilt that you feel inside if you will allow Him. Have you been through so much hurt and so much pain? Do you feel dejected and lonely? Allow Him touch you and save you. 

He beats you and you find it hard to leave him because of the numerous threats to end your life if you do? Jesus can save you!

She emotionally abuses and blackmails you and you are scared to leave because you believe that you can never find a better woman? Jesus will save you and bring a better woman your way!

You're settling for less because you think he or she is your last option. Who told you that? Who told you that a better person won't come?

I use this opportunity to speak to your life that you will be set free from any form of bondage and relationship that is bad for you. God will turn your situation around and make you a shining star. You have the power to say no to any toxic relationship so make use of that power. This power lies in Jesus and you need to be ready to devote your life to Him to experience a breakthrough. God does not lie and He says that whoever calls on the name of Jesus, would be saved. Please call on Him and get saved from that situation. 

You deserve to be treated right, you deserve to be loved. You deserve to be saved and you will be saved because there is HOPE in Jesus.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

IF HE HASN'T TALKED ABOUT IT AFTER 2 YEARS...2

As we said last week, the man I discussed with said that it is important to avoid being with 'time-wasters'. The truth is that some men and women alike get into relationships just for the fun of it and it would be sad for you to be in such relationship especially if it means so much more to you than it means to the other person involved. You need to be wise and prayerful so that you do not end up with or you're not currently with a time-waster. While some delays are genuine (i.e. the guy or the lady is still trying to sort out some important aspects of their lives), some others are intentional and are done in a bid to waste the time of another. You deserve more than to be with someone who just wants to waste your time especially when it is evident that this person is maritally ready.

He also said that in 2 years, a serious man would say something about the end goal. Talking about it or saying something about it does not mean that the time is now. It just means that he is involving you in his plans and you're aware of such plans. If a man wants to get certain things from a person he partners with in business, he will definitely state it at the beginning or along the line. He will never make the mistake of not stating it at all because he knows that failure to mention his desires could be a sign of non-interest and could lead to some loss. This illustration is applicable to a relationship. If he means business, he will not hesitate to let you know. If he intends to get married to you, he would not be ashamed to say it at one point or the other.

Also allow me drop this here - if you're in an undefined relationship (i.e. he does not know or see you as his girlfriend or you do not know whether you are his girlfriend), this does not apply to you o. The first thing you will need to sort out is whether you are in a relationship or not. 

Now back to the main issue - If you've prayed and you're sure that this is the person you should be with and you are both ready, there is really no need to keep counting down. 4 years down and you're not married. So what's the point of the relationship? A count down relationship or one that should lead to marriage? You might really need to re-evaluate your relationship by ensuring that you are in it for the right reasons and that you're not being delayed or delaying someone unnecessarily. 

Also, I believe that dating with the hope that one day, he will tell you that he has decided to get married to you isn't right. As earlier said, a man knows what he wants before he goes for it and so should a woman. Although it might not be in a woman's place to ask a man if he intends to get married to her, but it is in her place to know why he wants to be in a relationship with her. Is it possible for this reason to change along the way? Yes! Some people start a relationship with the intention to get married but along the way somethings happen and they are unable to get married. This is understandable but at least they got into it for the right reasons.

All that we have said is not to say that you  should leave your boyfriend because in 2 years he hasn't said anything about marriage. Neither is it for you to force him to get married to you. It might just be a time to do some checks and balances. What exactly is going on in the relationship? Are you both mature? Are you both ready? If your answer to these questions are YES, then you will need to discover what is causing the delay.

Wisdom is profitable to direct and I pray that God will give all of us wisdom. Thanks a lot for staying with us on this. 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown 

IF HE HASN'T TALKED ABOUT IT AFTER 2 YEARS...

Growing up, I wanted to know so much about many things but for one reason or the other, I realised that majority of my questions were centred around marriage and relationships. One beautiful day, I walked up to a man I respect so much and I asked: "how long do you think a person should be in a relationship for before they decide to get married?" He answered and said: "1 (one) to 2 (two) years is fine". This stayed with me for a while and then I had another discussion with someone else. 

Before I move on to the other discussion I had, let me just say that when he gave that response, he was not saying that the number of years to spend in a relationship is limited to 1 to 2 years, it could certainly be more. Also in his response, he was not referring to 14, 16 or 18 year olds. I just had to state this so that one 14 year old who is currently in a relationship would not think that by age 16, it is okay for her boyfriend and herself to get married. By his response to my question, he was referring to mature people. Yes we can say that maturity is not equal to age but please not a 16 or 18 year old. Thank you. (Smiles). 

Now to the second discussion - I know of many people who courted for 6 to 7 years and got married but I also know of some other people who courted for that long but decided to go their separate ways. I really could not fathom this especially because I felt some people could consider this a waste of time. So I asked another question: "if two mature people (both age wise and character wise) have been dating for 3 to 5 years and the man does not seem to say anything. What should the lady do? Is it right for her to pop the question by herself or should she just be expectant that he would one day say something?"

Without thinking for long, he said "Ife, from the day a mature man starts dating/courting, he knows what he wants from a lady and that is the reason he came to you in the first place. If he wants to get married to you, his conversations would be centred around that 'sometimes' but if he really doesn't care about that part of the relationship, he would avoid saying anything about it. If two mature people are in a relationship for more than two years and no serious discussion about marriage has come up, then you might need to think deeply about what you are really doing and maybe move on".

I was still curious and I wanted to know more but the last statement he made got me thinking. Does that mean that once it is 2 (two) years and he hasn't popped the question, a break-up should happen? No! There is so much more he said that I might not be able to say here because I don't want to bore you but in essence he was trying to drive home a point. Many people get into relationships these days just to be able to say that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend or to say that they are in a relationship with someone. Some others get into relationships in a bid to avoid the pressure from friends and family members asking for when they would get married. The major reason for getting into a relationship should be marriage and that is why you need to pray about this before you take any step of such. Although the essence of a relationship (i.e. marriage) has been watered down, it still does not change the fact that that is the real essence.

He also said that it is important to avoid being with someone who is a "time-waster'. We shall continue with this next week. Thanks for stopping by, we truly do appreciate your support.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown 

HOW LONG DO I WAIT BEFORE I MOVE ON?

I have had numerous discussions with people in relation to the above topic and I think it's high time I wrote about it. The first thing I would like to say is that people get into relationships for different reasons and they also break up for different reasons. As a result of this, there is no specific time that would suit everyone and no comparison can or should be made because every situation is different.

Moving on after a break up is dependent on the person involved and the circumstances that led to the break-up. For some people, after a break-up with their boyfriend or girlfriend, they decide that they would not get into another relationship with someone else until they are completely healed or until they have completely gotten over the terrible feeling of being jilted or whatever the case may be. Some other people go into a relationship immediately after a break-up not necessarily because they planned to but because while they were trying to get over the heart break, someone else was there to console and encourage them and it just made sense to be with that person.

We are all different and we react to hurt or disappointment differently. This is one of the reasons you should not compare your situation to that of another person. Although, there is no hard and fast rule about this, one very important thing is that you need to ensure that you have gotten to a point where your heart has totally forgiven the person that broke-up with you or that you broke up with . The reason for this is that it is not good to carry along gabbages from a previous relationship into a new one as this would affect how you treat or view the new person in your life. You really should not go into a relationship comparing the former guy or lady to the new guy or lady because they are totally different people. Making comparisons in your heart or through your words and actions is the worse thing you can do to a person you are in a relationship with. Nobody likes this, nobody wants this and you would not like it if you are on the receiving end of such behaviour.

I also need to point out that it is not every break-up that leads to one person or the other being extremely hurt. There are some break-ups that happen based on a mutual understanding and agreement between the two people involved and as such, it might be easier for such people to move on. While it might take some people a year or more to make the decision to be with someone else, it might take a shorter time for other people. The fact that Tola got into another relationship one week after she encountered a break-up does not mean that Bimbo can and should afford to do the same.

Take home point: Make sure you are completely healed of the former before you get into the new one. Ensure that you have learnt from the mistakes you made in the past or the things you did not do right (if any) before you move into another relationship. The fact that your friend got into a new relationship a month after she had a break-up in her previous relationship does not mean that that same time frame applies to you. There is no specific amount of time to wait for before moving on, you move on when you know you are ready to and you're the only one that can determine that.

Thanks for stopping by.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

THE LIST 2

A list is a great way to put your thoughts together and to ensure that you have taken note of the important things to you as a person. As such, having a list of things that you desire in a future spouse is not a bad thing. However, it is important to consider the reality that you may not find someone with all the attributes in your list because as we said in the previous post - NOBODY IS PERFECT. So what then happens to your list? Does it mean you have to put it aside and lower your expectations? NO! Your list is still valid,  even though some analysis and re-ordering might be necessary in order to avoid waiting forever for ‘the one’. 

The first thing is to consider the components of your list. There is usually a high tendency for people to lay emphasis  on physical and material things over and above other things because that is what they see first. If your list consists of primarily physical and material things, you might need to take a step back and think about more important things like character. The reason for this is that - physical and material things are temporary  (i.e. do not last long) and it is not impossible to be miserable even with a spouse that has all the physical and material things you desire. 

Another thing to consider is dividing your list into two sections: ‘non-negotiables’ and ‘negotiables’. This will help put things into perspective and define your priorities.  

‘Non-negotiables’ as the name implies are attributes that you cannot overlook. They are core aspects of a person’s character, personality, and behavior that are deal-breakers i.e. if the person doesn’t tick those boxes, you will have to say bye-bye. This section should comprise of things that are at the core of who the person is. A great example for Christians is the biblical instruction to not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. This means that for a Christian, a prospective spouse’s beliefs should be non-negotiable. 

Other things that fall under this category are: values, mindset, character, maturity, and so on. The reason why they are non-negotiable is because they can significantly impact your life. For instance, someone who is materialistic and believes life is all about money will easily put their greed above the needs of their spouse which will negatively impact such person’s spouse. 

‘Negotiables’ on the other hand are areas which though relevant, you are willing to bend on. These comprise mostly of physical things and relatively trivial things which will not matter in the long run and have no bearing on who the person is. The most common examples are physical attributes and material possessions. There’s nothing wrong with wanting someone who drives the latest car, has an hour glass figure, or is from the same tribe as you but we must not allow the absence of such attribute put us off a prospective spouse especially if the person ticks the boxes under the non-negotiables section.

There is the need to ask yourself why that attribute is so important and what impact it will have on your future in the long run. Again there’s nothing wrong with desiring certain physical attributes and material possessions but if you allow them have greater or equal weight with the core things like character, there is the risk of making a wrong decision or turning away some really great people. 

Also consider that some things can change/ be changed. For instance, someone with a bad fashion sense can learn how to dress better while someone who drives the latest car today may not do so tomorrow. The transient nature of such things shows that major decisions should not be hinged on them. We must not allow ‘packaging’ lead us astray.

Ultimately, as a Christian, it is important to be led by the spirit of God and not just your desires in making a decision about a future spouse. In addition, you should ensure that the kind of person embodied in your list would want to be with someone like you especially in the non-negotiable areas. If you want someone prayerful or diligent, ask yourself if you exhibit such skill. If you do not, what steps are you taking to ensure that you develop in that area you’re lacking? Chances are that someone who is prayerful would also want a prayerful spouse.  

Thanks a lot for stopping by. We hope to see you here again. Please drop your comments if you have any.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown 

THE LIST

Fantasies are bound to happen, plans for life are expected to be in place, bucketlist are also expected to be available but a not too recent trend are the qualities and what to expect from a MAN. Nothing is wrong with having a list of expectations of the preferred man that a lady would love to spend the rest of her life with. If we do not think it  through and pen it down, how then are we expected to remember or know what to look out for in a man. The List can be endless from TDH (Tall, Dark and Handsome) to working in an "oyel" company, to having a ride, having an apartment of his own etc..... 

Becca had a list of what she expected and wanted in a guy. As a focused and determined lady, she never compromised on this list especially the major ones. She had a picture of a perfect home with a perfect man and everything being blissful. She wanted a ready made, plug and play bespoke kind of man. A lot of men had actually walked up to her, some with the best of intentions and others to waste her time, because of how beautiful and smart she is. They all never ticked all the boxes on her list and she never hesitated in letting them go. According to her, "it is possible to get a man that is all round perfect.

She decided to attend a younger cousin's wedding where the chairman of the occasion offered an advice to the single ladies there - "There is always the right man for every woman and vice versa but never look out for the perfect because God does not work with the perfect, He uses the imperfect to perfect all things. There is no perfect man or woman out there but you can make everything perfect. You can make an imperfect man or woman into being your perfect man or woman. It is good to have a list but be careful not to lose the right man or woman for you because he or she does not tick all the boxes on your list."

The above speech hit Becca "below the belt" and she is questioning her principles and list. Is it wrong to have a wish list for the kind of man one wants? Should this list be the all in all or should it be one that is flexible?

We would like to know your thoughts on this so please do drop your comments.

OneLove

SomzyBrown.

WHY MEN DON'T LIKE TO SAY IT FIRST. 3

"Ope, I am not begging you to remain with me if you've made up your mind not to. I just want to live my life with a clear conscience. Have I wronged you? Can you at least talk to me? What's going on with you? Please talk to me?". 

"Temi, you haven't done anything wrong. I just don't think I am capable of being a good boyfriend to you. I have a lot going on and I don't want to bring you into all of my mess." 

"Your mess? I don't understand! What mess? What's going on? You really need to speak to me. I have stayed with you this long and right now you think whatever you are going through is sufficient to make me leave you?" 

"Don't worry about it Temiloluwa. I will be alright.

This conversation did not go as Temi thought it would. She could not believe her ears and she was tired of pushing him to talk. To her this was an indirect way of Ope saying 'my heart has left you'. This was really sad for her. She had given her all to him and made a lot of sacrifices for him. Is this what she deserves? Well, at different times she wanted to have another chat with Ope but she knew the outcome would be the same. So one day, after crying and thinking it through, she sent a message to him:

"Thanks for being my boyfriend. I guess this is the time where I say goodbye and I wish you all the best."

That was it for Temi and Ope. Ope knew he did not want the relationship anymore but he could not say it to Temi. Rather, he stopped talking to her and changed his behaviour towards her without saying what she had done wrong. But why couldn't he tell her that he was tired of the relationship and just break up with her? 

This happens a lot of times and it leaves ladies wondering why men can not MAN UP to say that they are really done when they are. Indirectly saying it with their actions frustrates ladies because they really cannot place what they might have done wrong or what the issue is.

This issue has come up a few times and I had to speak to some guys about it. One of the guys said "As guys, we have the feeling that ladies like to have bragging rights that they were the ones who broke up and so we try to give them that privilege." Another guy said "when a man notices something that he is not comfortable with about his girlfriend, he tends to withdraw. He refuses to say anything about it because he does not want to hurt her."

It is sad that some people in a bid not to hurt their girlfriends,  keep shut and allow the girl give up. This particular act hurts the lady more than having to break up with her. There has to be a better way to handle this guys. While you shouldn't hurt her with your words, you shouldn't also leave her hanging cos she deserves much more.

Thank you so much for stopping by. We appreciate your constant support.

OneLove

SomzyBrown 

WHY MEN DON'T LIKE TO SAY IT FIRST 2

"Ope, what exactly is happening to and with us? Why do you all of a sudden choose to treat me like I mean nothing to you?" 

"I am not treating you anyhow Temiloluwa. You mean so much to me and you remain my priority" he responded.

 This looked like a joke to Ope and Temi was not ready for all that. "Ope, you do not seem to understand or care about what I am saying. You have changed your attitude towards me and I do not understand why?" "How do you mean, Temi? I have not changed towards you and I do not know what you are talking about."

Temi was shocked that the caring Ope she knew no longer cared about how she felt. She could not fathom his behavioural change. How g ould someone who claimed to love her and who had promised to get married to her all of a sudden change his mind. Well he had not outrightly said that he was not interested in her anymore but his action spoke volumes. Temiloluwa tried to ponder on what she could have done to him but nothing was coming to her mind. To the best of her knowledge, she had treated him right in every way. She thought about it deeply and she could not think of anything else but the suspicion that Ope had found someone else. 

She was not entirely sure about this but she just believed that that could be the only reason Ope would treat her the way he did. He gradually stopped calling her and whenever she called him, he either promised to call her back and never did or refused to pick up. This went on for months and Temi had began to get extremely frustrated. She tried to speak about it to someone but she was so ashamed of herself. She had closed the door on all her friends because of Opeyemi. Who was going to listen to her without mocking her? Who would console her? 

Temiloluwa decided to have another chat with Ope and this time around, she was ready to really express herself. "Ope, I understand that people fall out of love and lose interest in who they once claimed to love. While this would really hurt if it's true, I'ld rather you let me know than  for you to keep treating me like I am non-existent in your life. It is okay to say that you are no longer interested in this relationship. You don't have to keep me in it if you are out of it already." She said all of these but the only thing Ope could say was "Okay, I've heard you." 

This statement hurt Temi so much. Had she done that badly, why would her own Ope choose to treat her like trash. The change was drastic, unexpected and unexplainable. Ope had told everyone of his intent to get married to her and now he was beginning to gradually walk uuaway without an explanation. Days went into weeks and weeks into months and Ope had still refused to see, talk or chat with Temi. 

It was very obvious that Ope did not want the relationship anymore but Temi was in denial. "Maybe he is going through something that is making him behave this way. Maybe he just needs me to be understanding and patient with him. Maybe..., Maybe...." As a result of all the maybessss, Temi decided to have a last physical discussion with Ope. She had promised herself that it would be the last one. But was it???

To be continued...

Thank you so much for stopping by, we hope to see you next week. 

WHY MEN DON'T LIKE TO SAY IT FIRST...

Being in a relationship was not something Temiloluwa was ready for. Although she had many guys on her case, she always told them that she was not ready. She met Opeyemi during a program and they got talking. Opeyemi thereafter requested that they become friends and she was so cool with him because he was different from the guys who just wanted to be in a relationship with her.  After 2 years of being friends, he told her of his interest and that he wanted her to be his wife. 

For the many people who knew, Temiloluwa had never been in a relationship with anyone. Their friendship  became really deep and it became clear that Temiloluwa was going to accept to be with Opeyemi. The moment Temi said yes to Ope, he could not keep it to himself. He told everyone about how excited he was because the girl he really loved had agreed to get into a relationship with him. Ope without wasting any time, introduced Temi to his parents and they were more than happy to have her as a future daughter in-law. 

Temiloluwa and Opeyemi had gotten really deep in their relationship and had in fact addressed a lot of things. Ope told Temi that his intention was to get married to her because he was sure that she was the right person for him and Temi was excited about this as well. The love between these two was sincere and real and everyone around them could tell that they were a perfect bunch.

Three years had gone bye and they were still as lovey dovey as they were when they began the relationship. They had grown, become more fond of each other and they seemed to talk about everything. Opeyemi was an introvert but also a very handsome boy. There was just something about him that attracted a lot of girls to him. Although Temi was not insecure (she had a lot of male friends and toasters as well), she adviced him to be careful and not to get carried away with the love and attention he was getting from these girls.

In their fourth year, Temi began to notice some changes in Ope. He had stopped doing the things that he used to do in the first three years of their relationship. She noticed that she was no longer a priority and this really got her upset. She decided to talk to him about it but he wasn't willing to agree that he had changed.

To be continued ...

Thanks for for stopping by, we hope to see you soon. 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown 

"THE THINKING PROCESS"

Dorcas and Gabriel are two lovely and wonderful people. In fact, mere taking a look at them, you can almost tell that they were made for each other. They love each other so much and to a large extent, they understand themselves. However something seems to be of great concern to Dorcas. Dorcas is an introvert but when she gets very comfortable with a person, it would amaze you, the amount of words that can come out of her mouth. All women or almost all women like attention but women who are introverts have been shown to seek more attention and this is because their spouses become the only person they feel they can talk to about any and almost everything.

Dorcas always wants to and in fact looks forward to talking to Gabriel but Gabriel takes his time to respond to her (I.e. he doesn't respond in a way that she would expect him to). She does not understand why he has to go quiet whenever she is talking to him. Sometimes he acts like he is not listening and then after a few minutes, he responds to what she has said at which time Dorcas would have moved on from what she said. Dorcas feels Gabriel ignores her a lot especially when she needs his attention and she is very unhappy about it. She has tried speaking to him about it but whenever she does, he says "I do not and will never ignore you, its just that many times, it takes a while to process the information you have given". This does not make sense to Dorcas and she does not know what to do.

This takes me to the question: how many ladies hear this statement a lot of times "I need to process what you just said." "I need time to think" or "I am listening to you why don't you believe me?"

Although some of us think that men are just being really funny or dramatic when they make the above statements but really, that is the way they are wired. Is it very annoying to talk to someone about something and wait for donkey years for his response to come? Yes! But is that the way men are wired? Yes! So what do we do?

We need to understand first of all that the same way women are different from men is the exact same way men are different from women. Lots of things run through the mind of a man and as much as he might be listening to you, he is processing the information in order for him to come up with the best response. This is who they are and we need to be understanding.

Also men, you need to try to reduce this processing period. It is not all everything that she tells you that really requires you to go through the thinking process. Please let us strike a balance so that your woman does not get the impression that she is not important.

Thank you so much for stopping by. We hope to see you next week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

THE "NOTHING" SYNDROME 2

 

In this relationship journey, it is highly important for us to understand certain things. Last week, we talked about one statement that a lot of ladies and women make even when it is glaring that there is something wrong, they say "nothing, I am fine".

Sometimes while it might be a tactic to get the man to ask the question (i.e. "what is wrong") so many times which to her would show that he really cares (don't ask me why), other times, she does not know what exactly is wrong with her and that's the reason she says nothing is wrong. Another thing is that most ladies tend to become really vulnerable with their spouses (more than men do) and in a bit to shy away from this vulnerability or make the man know that they can handle things by themselves, they hide under the shadow of saying "Nothing". To them, this is being strong. 

I will share my personal story: 

So I am a lady and definitely, I have got the "Nothing" syndrome (smiles). Sometimes I am tired and frustrated about certain things but because I do not want to be seen as being weak or as someone who is incapable of managing certain things or as someone who nags, I keep it to myself and decide to say "Nothing..." . I have a lot of nice and caring people around me but whenever anyone asks me for what is wrong, I say "Nothing!". I did not realise how annoying this attitude was and is to men until one day he shouted at me: "What exactly is the problem? Why would you be going through something and refuse to talk, how would it be so obvious that something is wrong with you and when you are asked, you say nothing" He said. I kept mute and still wasn't ready or willing to say what was wrong. This got him really upset but I could not be asked.

Now, my brother and I have lived together for a while and in his opinion or thought, we are close and should have gone past the stage of forcing each other to talk. This is true to be honest but it has nothing to do with closeness and this is one thing that men neee to understand. When a lady refuses to talk, it's not because she doesn't trust you or doesn't consider herself close to you.

Back to the story- my brother had gotten really upset and could not hide his feelings anymore. His annoyance is or was understandable because he was really concerned about me. I have since then made efforts to consciously work on it. I think I am better now even though I still say "nothing..." a few times. 

I shared this story to let you know how men see this issue and to inform you that we are all in this together but we can make the decision to consciously work on speaking out (at least to someone that is trustworthy) when there is a problem.

Men as said last week, you need to be patient. Everyone is a work in progress. It would take some level of patience on your part to understand that sometimes your wife or girlfriend is not intentionally making you suffer by leaving you in the dark on what is wrong with her. Also please, when she decides to talk about it, please I beg you, do not judge or talk down on her like saying " so that's what you could not say" or "Why can't you be strong " because this might make her regret coming out of the "Nothing syndrome" cos if she hadn't, you would not have spoken to her that way or in her opinion, "judged her". 

Thanks for stopping by, we hope to see you next week. Next week, we would address one act that men do a lot. You can make an attempt at guessing.

OneLove

SomzyBrown

THE "NOTHING" SYNDROME

I am in a relationship with this beautiful and lovely girl who seemed perfect when we first met. I love her so much but there is a problem that I am unable to understand. She seems to always be in a mood and so far she has only shared few moments of happiness with me. I am concerned about her and I always think there is something wrong with her so I try to help her get out of it. I have done everything within my power to help her come out of it but there is another problem. Everytime I try to ask what the problem is or what exactly she is going through, she either gives me a silent treatment or says "nothing... "

"Nothing" has been a continuous response from Jumoke and the most annoying thing ever. How do you help someone come out of something that you know nothing about? At numerous times I have shown and asked for what the problem is but each time, I got no response. I thought I had gained her trust and that she could talk to me about anything. Also, we are in a relationship, so she should trust me right?? Am I not allowed to know what my girlfriend is going through? She constantly gets into a mood and if I am being sincere, it is tiring. In fact, I am tired!

I am not a mind reader so how will I be able to help or sympathise with her when I am lost and clueless as to what the problem with my girlfriend is. She appears to expect a lot more from me. She expects me to know that when she is in a mood of different shapes and sizes, she has lost something dear to her or someone made jest of her or she just saw a result which is discouraging etc. The question is: am I a magician? No, I am not. Sometimes I think it is because she is tired of me or the relationship but then I don't even know because she never says what the problem is.

NB: Guys, a lady would most times say nothing is wrong when something is wrong and this is a mystery that I also do not understand. However, many times when she says there's nothing wrong, it might just take a little soft heartedness and patience to get her to talk. As ladies, we know that we say this but we do not want to be judged when we do because we believe "That's the way we are". However, the only constant thing is change so this is a problem that every lady needs to work on.

Ladies, please we all need to note that men are not mind readers. We need to voice out (not rudely) when we need one thing or the other from our spouses or when we are going through a bad experience. This is one major issue that many men have with their spouses. The ladies expect the men to know what is wrong with them even when they have not given a hint and the man is there thinking about what he might have done to her and wondering why she would not tell him about whatever she is going through.

To be continued...

Thanks for stopping by and we hope to see you next week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown 

THE PRINCIPLE OF "SINCERITY"

The principle of "sincerity" has to do with being open to your spouse about certain things. If you know that there is something which is very important to your spouse and you do not have it and it is not visible for him or her to see, you should inform him or her about it. If you are scared that s/he would not get married to you if s/he knows about that thing, you might end up losing him/her because s/he will discover someday and you will lose your trust in his/her sight.

Transparency is highly important even if you think the other person will leave you for another. Whoever loves you will love you even with your past, and with your mistakes. If someone decides to leave you because of a past occurrence that you also regret, do not be bitter and do not judge them, it just means that they are unable to cope with such past. The truth is that there is someone who will decide to be with you regardless of your past so the fear that one person would leave you is not a sufficient reason to lie or hide the truth. Trust me, someone better than the one you think you will lose (by being sincere) is on the way for you. 

There's a story of a lady who told the man  who had promised to get married to her, that she could not give birth as she had been told by a doctor. He decided to break up with her because children are very important to him and he was not ready to risk his life by getting married to this lady and not being able to have children that he can call his own. When some people heard the reason for which he left her, they blamed the lady seriously. They blamed her for being too open. Her mum was so disappointed and said to her "why did you do such a thing? Why did you allow that man go? I have warned you to learn to close your mouth. You did not have to tell him that the doctors said you won't be able to give birth. No body will get married to you if you continue this way. You have chased all of them away with your big mouth..." 

Ada tried to explain to her mum that she did what she did to save herself and her future from any form of stress. She had heard of marriages that ended up in a divorce because one party lied about something important to the other and she really did not want her case to be like that. However, her mum would not understand. To her mum and other close friends, she really did not have to expose herself or her problem to someone she intends to get married to.

Although it is not the easiest of things to be open about certain things that hurt you but it is very necessary especially for those who have made the decision to or intend to get married to you. What some people fail to understand is that the future of a man's life is not far fetched, it would soon catch up with him/her. Hence the reason you should not hide anything. What you're hiding would be revealed soon so please be sincere and do not take pleasure in hiding anything from your spouse or spouse to be.

When a marriage is built on deception or insincerity, fear becomes inevitable in the life of the other partner because s/he would be unsure as to what else you have lied about or hidden from him/her.

In conclusion, please be as sincere as possible to your spouse. Do not pretend to have or not have what you know is important to him/her. You might lose him/her but it is better to lose now than  to lose in marriage.

Thank you so much for stopping by, we hope to see you next week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

ASSUMPTION KILLS!

So I have had the opportunity to speak to people about this and I have heard about the numerous experiences that people have had. I have also had personal experiences in relation to this and I have come to the conclusion that it is highly important to define your relationship or friendship with people (especially the opposite sex).

Assumptions never work in this regards. People's observations do not also work in this area of life. To put it down simply, "I think he likes me, I think he wants to date me" or "I have been watching you both and I think you are meant for each other..." do not work in this system. It might have worked for some people but it is not a safe place to be in.

Never assume that he likes or loves you if he has not said it with his mouth. His expressions and attitude towards you is not enough to make you think that he likes you or that he wants to be in a relationship with you. Sometimes, she might just be genuinely friendly and lovely; he might just be naturally caring and amazing. She might find it too difficult to caution herself when it comes to being nice and caring and you might misinterpret her actions. Your misinterpretation of her action is what leads you to thinking that she is interested in you but this is not always the case. 

Although ladies and guys need to work on these tendencies, you also need to be careful not to think that everyone who is overly nice or caring has an interest in you. There's a reason we have mouths and thank God for phones these days. If you cannot sit down to talk about it, you can chat about it. There is totally nothing wrong in clarifying your assumptions. If after speaking to him or her, you realise that your assumptions had been wrong, it would hurt. It would hurt badly but trust me, this is certainly better than the kind of hurt you would have had to experience later on. 

Never assume! Define your relationships with people not just in your heart but with the words of your mouth to whom it may concern. Please, people have made these mistakes and if you have experienced this before, you will know that it is not a nice place to be in. This is not to say that you should demand a relationship from someone you think might be interested in you. Not at all! Just ensure that you are both on the same page with your friendship or closeness so that neither of you gets carried away with butterflies while the other person is just being him/herself.

One of my brothers once told me something and at the time he told me, I thought he was being too 'extra'. He is a very friendly person and I think he is one of the most friendly and jovial people I have met and because of this friendly nature of his, he had a lot of friends (especially females) and still does. He said "I ensure that I tell all my female friends that we are just friends so that no matter how nice I am to them because I am being myself, they will have the understanding that I am just their friend. I asked why and told him that this would hurt some people especially people who became his friend because they really liked him. He answered in the affirmative and said that one particular lady shouted at him and said "I never thought of dating you" but he explained that he was just trying to be careful. This might sound too much but this saved him from hearing that he had broken some hearts when he in fact was not in a dating relationship with these people.

You might be viewed as being too forward but this is better than getting hurt at a time that it might be too late.

Thanks a lot for stopping by. May God help us all. Have a wonderful week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

A LITTLE SOMETHING FROM ME TO YOU

To the one whose heart is broken,

Weep no more and trust that you 

Will someday sing a victory song

And this feeling would be long gone

To the one who has lost self worth

You are more beautiful than you can imagine

Work on be coming a better you but

Do not focus on the mistakes of the past

To the one who has been told "No one will come for you..." do not be discouraged.

You'll be tempted but do not take any step On the advice to compromise your standards.

To the one who has been all good but nothing seems to be working fine,

Hold on, keep doing what you do and 

You will be amazed at what God will do. 

The difficulties you face today will be no more.

Believe in yourself, do not doubt that you're good.

Love yourself cos without this you can't receive the love of others.

Develop yourself!

Brace up!

Be strong!

Stand strong!

Be hopeful!

OneLove,

SomzyBrown 

ISSUES ARE BOUND TO HAPPEN IN RELATIONSHIPS BUT...2

Another thing that leads to unresolvable issues is the fact that many times we think we have a right to demand certain things or behaviours from our spouse based on what we consider to be right. We fail to understand that people are different and act in different ways because we all have different personalities. It is a known fact that no two people (no matter how similar they seem) are the same. You hear people say "you act so much like Dorcas but the only difference is that while Dorcas is hot tempered, you are not..." 

No matter how close in behaviour or character you are to your spouse, there will be some differences that you must be willing to accommodate if you want the marriage or relationship to last long.

We all need to be mature about the way we handle other people especially our spouses. We should treat them with respect and this still boils down to understanding that they are different from you and you need to be tolerant with them.

No matter how similar people are, there's always one difference or the other between them. 

In relationships, many people fight, quarell and keep malice because they fail to understand that their spouse is way different from them. They expect their spouses to act in the exact way and manner that they would act if they were in their shoes. This however cannot be the case, you need to accept in your heart that your spouse is not the same person you are and that you cannot force him or her to be who they are not.

The willingness to accept people the way they are and not to try to change them, is a sign of maturity. As earlier said, this is not to say that you should sweep things under the carpet just because you are trying to be understanding. Talk things over but if there are unimportant things that you shouldn't waste your time fighting over, please move on and do not be in a hurry to judge your spouse.

She is different from you and can never be like you. He is not you and will never be like you. 

Respect each other for who you are, work on areas that you know affects your spouse and people around you. Be tolerant, be accommodating, see every issue or problem as a step to becoming closer to your spouse and not an opportunity to tear each other down. 

Another thing that can be done is to focus on the strengths of your spouse as opposed to his or her weakness. No matter how different a person is from you there are some good traits that he or she has that should be appreciated. 

Although you cannot change anyone, people depending on the phase of life that they are in, go through series of changes. Be willing to accept that people change, so the fact that your wife was this way or is this way now does not mean she would be that way in 2 years time. Please be willing to walk with your spouse through whatever change or phase they are going through.

Thank you so much for stopping by, we hope to see you next week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

ISSUES ARE BOUND TO HAPPEN IN RELATIONSHIPS BUT...

Is it possible to have a relationship or marriage where there are no issues at all?

Very impossible!

Is it possible to have a relationship or marriage without controversies? 

Again, I say No!

The reason for this is that no matter how close spouses are, they are different, have different characters, are of a different sex/gender and so on. Some people when asked may say otherwise, but do not be deceived, every relationship or marriage is posed with one challenge/issue or the other. The difference is that  some people are skilled and better at handling it than others. However, the truth is that - everyone can be skilled at handling such issues.

We have established that there is no relationship or marriage without one issue or the other. However, these issues can be resolved without it being blown out of proportion. It takes a wise and understanding spouse to see the good side and bad side of his or her spouse but to choose to focus on the good side. Everyone in my opinion should aim to do this! No one is perfect but we can all work towards perfection. It is important to note that it is not the duty of the wife alone, neither is it the duty of the husband alone to resolve issues and establish peace, everyone has this duty and everyone can achieve this!

But how can you achieve this?

You can achieve this by choosing to be tolerant. Tolerance has been defined as "the ability or willingness to endure the existence of opinions or behaviour that one dislikes or disagrees with". From this definition, let me point out that it is not everything that your spouse does that you will agree with and it is also not everything that your spouse does that will make you happy. This is what leads to issues or quarelld. As much as it is advisable to be with someone that has the same belief as you do, even this person will do some things that you might disagree with. However, you must be willing to tolerate him or her.

One of the reasons many people have issues that they find difficult to settle is because they have failed to tolerate each other. This does not mean that they are bad people,  it just means that they at that time lacked the capacity to endure or be patient with their spouse. Tolerance is one of the key attributes that one should have in a relationship or marriage because it helps you overlook the wrong or bad attitude of the other person. Now this does not imply that you should not talk about these issues, you should talk to your spouse about the things he or she does that you do not like but please and please, talking about it does not mean that you should make a big deal out of it or blow it out of proportion.

People have broken up or gotten into a divorce over things that could have been avoided. Someone recently said that himself and his wife have had tough and trying times, some of which they know have been the basis of some other people getting a divorce. However, they both decided to tolerate each other and they have come quite far by making the decision to get stronger and better even through the storm. 

Another important thing to note is this : Your spouse is different from you and s/he cannot act like you! Yes!

We shall continue with this next week. Thank you so much for stopping by,  we hope to see you next week. 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

WHEN IT SEEMS LIKE YOUR DREAM HAS COME THROUGH 3

"Tosin what's wrong? You've been acting really strange for days and you have kept me thinking about what offence I could have committed. Please talk to me, I don't think it's fair that I might have offended you and I know nothing about it." said Bimpe thinking deeply about her unknown offence. "Bimpe you have not done anything to me and you have not offended me. I have a lot on my mind and I just need time to think and make the right decisions". Tosin responded not willing to say much. "Okay can you at least share the things you have on your mind? We are going to become one soon and so we need to be able to share each other's burden. So please talk to me Tosin" Bimpe said moving closer to Tosin.

Tosin was not willing to talk but Bimpe begged him to let her know what was wrong. She was not comfortable with his sudden change towards her and really wanted to know what exactly was going on. After pleading, Tosin finally responded. "Okay Bimpe, the truth is that as much as I am happy about your job, I want you to be able to take care of me and our kids when we get married and that's why I have always encouraged you to continue with your fashion design. I am worried that you would not be take care of the home because of your job." "Tosin I understand your concerns but I don't think my job would affect us or our children. I also want to be able to take care of you and our children. We are not even married yet, neither do we have children yet. When kids come, I will decide on what to do." 

Tosin not looking happy with Bimpe's response said "I do not mean to hurt you or be selfish but I think you should quit your job and focus on your fashion design, Bimpe. I am not sure we can get married if you continue with this job. I need you to be there for me and to take care of the home." Bimpe could not believe her ears. "Tosin what did you just say? That I should do what? Well I don't want to believe that you just said that. No! This is a joke right? How will you say such a thing? We're not even married yet and my job is already a threat. What is all these? Wait, am I dreaming?"

Bimpe knew that her job was the reason for his change in mood towards her but she just could not believe that Tosin would ask her to quit her job. This is a job that she had been looking forward to, this is a job that gives her fulfilment. They are not yet married and he already wants her to quit. What is he bringing to the table? And even if he is bringing something to the table, is it enough to ask her to quit her job? Now there's a threat and Bimpe is confused on what to do. Should she save her 'almost marriage' and quit her job? Or should she call the wedding off and continue with her job? Bimpe is confused. She cannot even tell her mum about it because her mum who already sees Tosin as a blessed man and an answer to her prayers would not even believe her.

Bimpe needs your advice, so please drop your comments and thoughts here.

Thank you for stopping  by,  we hope to see you again next week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown 

WHEN IT SEEMS LIKE YOUR DREAM HAS COME THROUGH! 2

Bimpe had been looking for a job for a long time and although she had decided to become a fashion designer, she still looked forward to getting a proper job as an accountant. She passed her ICAN exams over a year ago but had not gotten any job. Bimpe was not going to give up and so the search for a job became very important. She had spoken to Tosin about this but he told her to be calm and kept encouraging her to focus on her training at the fashion design school.

Introduction plans went on and it was soon time for the introduction proper. Bimpe's parents fixed the date and this was communicated to other family members as well as Tosin's family members. Bimpe was broke (had no money) and did not want Tosin to do everything for the introduction. She wanted to be able to support him financially. A job basically was going to make her happy because it would mean she had some money to her name. 

Bimpe went for 3 interviews before the introduction and she prayed so hard to get one of them. She liked one of the companies the most because they dealt in the area of tax which is of great interest to her. Although she was ready to accept any, she really wanted to work in the tax company.

The introduction day came and everyone was super excited. Tosin could not but appreciate God for giving him a beautiful and unique wife and Bimpe felt really blessed to have Tosin in her life.

A miracle happened after Bimpe and Tosin's introduction. Bimpe was on her way to the fashion design school when she got a call from a private number. She picked up the call which is something she rarely does and lo and behold she was informed that she had been selected as the best from the interview conducted and guess where? The Tax company!!!! She was so excited that she asked "when can I resume?" And the response was " if you're ready now, we are ready to have you."

Bimpe could not contain her joy. She had been jobless for too long and not only had she gotten a job, she had gotten the kind of job that she wanted. The first person she told was her mum. Her mum was excited and jokingly said "you see that Tosin has brought good luck" (In yoruba). Bimpe went to see Tosin that evening and shared the good news with him. "Tosin guess What? Guess what?" With all smiles Tosin said "Hmmm, you know I am bad at guessing correctly, so tell me, what is it?" "I got a job! I got a job Tosin! the one I had been praying and wishing for. I am so excited."

"Whao, I am happy for you Bimpe" Tosin said with little or no expression. "Are you really happy for me?" Bimpe asked with curiosity. "I am, don't I look happy?" "Well okay, we have to celebrate though, let's go out". Bimpe said thinking this would make Tosin happy but unfortunately it did not. Tosin remained cold.

Bimpe was getting worried that Tosin wasn't happy about her job when she thought he would be the happiest person. He was one of the reasons she wanted a job because apart from the fulfilment, she wanted to be able to bear some financial burdens with him. She started this job few days after the call and she felt really happy because she was doing what she enjoyed BUT there was Tosin who had been behaving strangely since the day she informed him about her job.  Bimpe really wanted to know what had led to this change so she fixed an appointment with Tosin. 

To be continued...

Thanks for stopping by, we hope to see you next week.

OneLove

SomzyBrown.

WHEN IT SEEMS LIKE YOUR DREAM HAS COME THROUGH!

 

"Good evening angel, you're so pretty" With a smile on Bimpe's face, she responded "Good evening and thank you" While making an attempt to continue jogging and even faster, Tosin came much closer and said "Can I have your number please?" "Hmm no I don't really give my number to strangers" "But that can change, can't it?" "Well, no it can't. Have a good day!".

On another occasion, Bimpe went out to jog and she could not believe Tosin was there again. Apparently he had been jogging in that area for over 2 years. Bimpe had just started jogging there 3 months ago. He came around her saying "Good day ma'am. Good to to see you again". Bimpe not being sure it was good to see him again replied "Good day..." Tosin not minding her response went about his aim "Well...I - I - i - guess fate has it that we should be friends. So how are you today?" "Trying to keep fit but yeah that's all." replied Bimpe. Tosin kept going on and on about how he really wanted to be her friend and finally Bimpe agreed to be his friend. They exchanged numbers and became cool friends.

Tosin and Bimpe began to talk everyday and they enjoyed each other's company. Tosin was the nicest and coolest guy Bimpe had met and she was glad she did not totally ignore him. Tosin asked Bimpe out on a date and it was a memorable one for Bimpe because she felt treated like a queen. Thinking that this was a one off behaviour and no man could be that sweet, she made up her mind not to expect anything of such from him. However, Tosin had his own expectations. Apart from being sweet, Tosin asked Bimpe to be his girlfriend. She hesitated at first but later decided to give it a trial. Bimpe had been hurt by different guys but she had made up her mind not to allow that affect her or make her single for the rest of her life.

Tosin and Bimpe got close in their relationship and everyone around really loved them for their sincerity with each other. Tosin was so much in love with Bimpe and Bimpe was also happy to have Tosin as her boyfriend. She had been in 3 relationships before Tosin and none had lasted for more than 6 months. Well this was not exactly her fault but different people with different characters was what it was and so they most times left her. Being in a relationship with someone for close to 2 years was something Bimpe never thought could happen to her. Herself and Tosin had grown together and become really fond of each other. 

Tosin always expressed his love for  Bimpe and without mincing words, he said "Bimpe you are the best lady I have ever met. You make me happy and you complete me. Will you marry me?". Tosin's proposal to Bimpe was not expected and he went all out to make the day a memorable and sweet one for Bimpe. This was really exciting for Bimpe but more exciting for her mum who had been troubling her on when Tosin will ask for her hand in marriage. 

Bimpe's mum could not contain her joy and requested to meet Tosin. Bimpe's mum is so dramatic that all she did when Tosin came to her house was pray for him. She prayed so much that Bimpe had to try to stop her reminding her that they were not yet married. She was too excited for her beloved 'Adebimpe'. Bimpe was the second girl out of four girls and she was the only one who was not married. Her mum had been praying for a man that would really take care of her and love her because Bimpe is a good girl. This explains her reaction.

Soon after, they began to make plans for introduction and it was such a happy moment.

To be continued...

Thank you for stopping by,  we hope to see you next week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown 

WHY DO PEOPLE CHEAT??

Some of you might be wondering why this write-up is not titled "Why men cheat!"

For a long time, emphasis has been laid on the fact that men cheat and that men are the only ones that cheat in relationships. I had a discussion with some people where the ladies shared their concerns on men cheating on women. A man got angry at this and expressed his annoyance at the fact that people still think that it is only men that cheat. I was on his side and I remember saying that "as much as men cheat, women also cheat on their spouses".

The question then is Why do people cheat? What exactly leads a man or a woman to cheat on his or her spouse?

In my little experience of speaking to people, I think one thing that leads to cheating is the fact that people change and their interests change. If you have been in a relationship with someone for more than a year, you will discover that your partner is not the exact same person that he was in the first year. This is not to say that he used to be good and has now become bad. However, he or she is not the same way they used to be. Now, the moment some people begin to notice changes in their spouse, they make complaints after complaints and find ways to be happy without having to talk to that person anymore.

Change as we know is the only constant thing and it is not always negative change, it could be positive change. When the interest of a man or a woman changes, they begin to expect more from their spouse and the moment they 'think' that their spouse cannot give them what they want or what they think they need, they try to see if they can get it anywhere else. Suddenly, there might be someone out there who is ready and has the capability to give them what they want. They go for that person but try to maintain their relationship with this person. Something happens along the way, their spouse discovers and that's the end of it. 

We can go on to list different reasons why people cheat but none of these reasons make it right to engage in such act. Some people say that they never intended to cheat on their spouse but that it just happened. As much as I can agree that there was no intention, nothing just happens. You noticed when you were gradually drawing away from your spouse and moving closer to someone else. 

One vital thing that everyone needs is to be self-disciplined and to exercise self-control. It is the lack of these two things that make people cheat on their spouses. You went into that relationship or marriage being sure that you wanted to be with this person so what happened? People will always change but does that mean you should change girl friends and wives as they change? Or does it mean you should change boy friends and men as they change? No! Talk about these changes with your spouse and see how things can be better between you. The solution is never to go to someone else. When that new person changes, you will also try to move to another person and it keeps going on like that.

It is very possible to stay faithful to one man or one woman but you have to be self-disciplined and exercise self-control. The undeniable truth is that there would always be one lady or guy, woman or man who is finer, more hardworking, more romantic, more fit, more intellectual than your spouse. However, this is not a reason to cheat on him or her. Everyone in a relationship owes his or her partner every level of faithfulness. Distractions and temptations will come but remember you owe a duty of faithfulness. Everyone has the tendency to cheat because everyone has the tendency to appreciate change or something better but you know why some will not cheat? Because they have decided that no matter what happens or who they see, they will keep their focus on just one person. You can also be faithful to your spouse by choosing to stay focused and not get distracted by any other person. 

Take steps to ensure that you stay with this one person. Nobody deserves to be cheated on. Cheating is not the right thing to do and it never will be. When asked why, some say "being faithful to one girl is boring" What??? Are you being serious right Now? Some others say "I am not married yet so let me enjoy the different babes. When I am married, I won't cheat" . Sorry, say what? That is the greatest lie you can tell yourself. Whatever you do now, you will most likely do when you are married so the sooner you stopped, the better for you.

NB: The moment you begin to spend more time or share your life with someone that is not your spouse, the more far away you are from your spouse. The moment this happens, your attention becomes divided, you begin to get dissatisfied with everything he or she does and you begin to make unnecessary comparisons. It takes a conscious effort and the grace of God to stay faithful to that one man or woman and trust me, you can do it.

Thanks for stopping by, have a lovely and blessed week. 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

YOU ARE NOT MARRIED UNTIL YOU ARE!! 3

"What month do you think we should get married? I am thinking of April, what do you think?" It sounded exciting that this was what Caleb wanted to discuss with me but I thought there was more to it. "Caleb, yes April is good but is there something else you want to discuss with Me?" He replied saying "that's all darling. Is there a problem?" "No dear. I was just wondering" I said thinking deeply about what he said. We began to make plans for our wedding as soon as possible and of course my activities in his house increased.

Luckily and amazingly, Caleb and I got married. I say 'luckily' because he could have ended up not getting married to me despite all my hardwork and activities. Well, I thank God that it all worked out and we have 2 little boys now. However, sometimes I look back at the things I did and I have regrets. I sold myself so cheap and even though I knew at the time that it was not the right thing to do, I kept on doing it. 

A promise to marry though good and backed up with a ring, was not and will never be the marriage itself. The fact that Caleb had promised to get married to me was not a licence to give him my whole self. It was not my duty to cook for him, wash his clothes or clean his house same as it was not his duty to pay my bills or feed me. It is quite sad that many people during relationships begin to act like they are married but this is not right.  I fell victim so I am not trying to be a judge. You might say "but it worked for you, so why are you advising against it?" The fact that I got married to Caleb still doesn't make what I did right. I knew this before I got into a relationship with him but I got carried away. Also, there were times we broke-up and I felt so terrible with myself because the things I had done made me feel cheap. 

A friend of mine had a similar experience but in her case, they did not get married. She later realised that her 'husband to be' (the person she had been performing wifely duties for) was planning to get married to someone else and was just using her. This made me cry because I had warned her about it but like some of you think, she felt I was being a hypocrite. Experience they say is the best teacher but it does not have to be your personal experience.  You can learn from other people's experience so that you do not make the same mistakes that they made.

I am grateful that I got married to Caleb but what if we didn't get married? I would have acted like a wife doing all the chores and then gotten heart broken, feeling useless and used. My heart would have melted because I loved him but also because I had engaged in wifely duties when I was not his wife. The safest thing to do is to avoid any form of chores until you are married. Looking back at this, I am not happy about it and that is why I decided to write this to encourage some lady out there who is busy cooking, washing and cleaning the house of a man who might be the husband of another. 

Your self-worth should be intact even if for one reason or the other you have to break up. Some men will blackmail you saying "if you love me, you will do this for me" However, you should not allow this tie you down. The fact that you are engaging in domestic activities in his house does not mean that you love him and does not guarantee a space in his home (i.e. as his wife) so you shouldn't allow the blackmail make you do what you do not intend to do.

Some people may say "So you mean we shouldn't do anything at all?" Although I strongly advice against it, once in a very longggggg while isn't bad but it shouldn't be your weekly, monthly or yearly duties.

Anonymous.

Thanks for stopping by people, I hope we all gained something from this. We really look forward to seeing you next week. 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.