YOU ARE NOT MARRIED UNTIL YOU ARE!! 3

"What month do you think we should get married? I am thinking of April, what do you think?" It sounded exciting that this was what Caleb wanted to discuss with me but I thought there was more to it. "Caleb, yes April is good but is there something else you want to discuss with Me?" He replied saying "that's all darling. Is there a problem?" "No dear. I was just wondering" I said thinking deeply about what he said. We began to make plans for our wedding as soon as possible and of course my activities in his house increased.

Luckily and amazingly, Caleb and I got married. I say 'luckily' because he could have ended up not getting married to me despite all my hardwork and activities. Well, I thank God that it all worked out and we have 2 little boys now. However, sometimes I look back at the things I did and I have regrets. I sold myself so cheap and even though I knew at the time that it was not the right thing to do, I kept on doing it. 

A promise to marry though good and backed up with a ring, was not and will never be the marriage itself. The fact that Caleb had promised to get married to me was not a licence to give him my whole self. It was not my duty to cook for him, wash his clothes or clean his house same as it was not his duty to pay my bills or feed me. It is quite sad that many people during relationships begin to act like they are married but this is not right.  I fell victim so I am not trying to be a judge. You might say "but it worked for you, so why are you advising against it?" The fact that I got married to Caleb still doesn't make what I did right. I knew this before I got into a relationship with him but I got carried away. Also, there were times we broke-up and I felt so terrible with myself because the things I had done made me feel cheap. 

A friend of mine had a similar experience but in her case, they did not get married. She later realised that her 'husband to be' (the person she had been performing wifely duties for) was planning to get married to someone else and was just using her. This made me cry because I had warned her about it but like some of you think, she felt I was being a hypocrite. Experience they say is the best teacher but it does not have to be your personal experience.  You can learn from other people's experience so that you do not make the same mistakes that they made.

I am grateful that I got married to Caleb but what if we didn't get married? I would have acted like a wife doing all the chores and then gotten heart broken, feeling useless and used. My heart would have melted because I loved him but also because I had engaged in wifely duties when I was not his wife. The safest thing to do is to avoid any form of chores until you are married. Looking back at this, I am not happy about it and that is why I decided to write this to encourage some lady out there who is busy cooking, washing and cleaning the house of a man who might be the husband of another. 

Your self-worth should be intact even if for one reason or the other you have to break up. Some men will blackmail you saying "if you love me, you will do this for me" However, you should not allow this tie you down. The fact that you are engaging in domestic activities in his house does not mean that you love him and does not guarantee a space in his home (i.e. as his wife) so you shouldn't allow the blackmail make you do what you do not intend to do.

Some people may say "So you mean we shouldn't do anything at all?" Although I strongly advice against it, once in a very longggggg while isn't bad but it shouldn't be your weekly, monthly or yearly duties.

Anonymous.

Thanks for stopping by people, I hope we all gained something from this. We really look forward to seeing you next week. 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

YOU ARE NOT MARRIED UNTIL YOU ARE!! 2

As Caleb and I grew in our relationship, I began to get very comfortable with him that I did not realise how deeply engaged I had become in carrying out domestic activities in his house. It had become so normal that he did not need to make a request before I 'carried myself' to do these things for him. I went from washing his clothes to sweeping, mopping and cleaning his house. Cleaning his house and doing other stuff soon became something that I enjoyed doing. It is funny how I had soon became a 'wife' that was not a wife in the real sense of it. 

If the truth be told, I have never believed in a lady doing things for a guy (i.e. things that only married women should do for their husbands). I had been in 3 relationships before Caleb and I made a promise to myself to never get involved in domestic chores for any guy until I was married to him. I don't know how this happened with Caleb but I know that I had gotten used to it and I found it extremely difficult to stop. Every time I did something of such nature, I told myself "this would be the last time it will happen" but it never stopped. The truth is that when you start doing things like this, it never stops at that. You tend to graduate from one level to another and that's the situation I found myself in or maybe I wasn't disciplined enough.

We were 2 (two) years into our relationship and we both knew what we wanted. Caleb had said that he intended to spend the rest of his life with me and wanted me to do the same. He made a promise to get married to me and later on proposed with a beautiful ring. This was a lovely moment as he invited all his friends and my friends to grace the event. I was excited and grateful that I was soon going to spend the rest of my life with someone that I had grown to love, cherish and adore.  Becoming more confident about this, there was a massive increase in the amount of things I did for him. I went all out to make him happy and sometimes spent the night at his place just to make it easy to perform these duties that I had put upon myself. "After all, I was soon going to get married to him" I thought to myself. 

Caleb had introduced me to his siblings and his parents and I had soon become a part of their amazing family. I went for events with them (which was okay, I think) but these activities also extended to his family and even his sister. One day, while trying to prepare to go out, I got a call from Caleb's sister "...please I need you to come help me with my kids, my househelp travelled and its really difficult for me...". This was the first time she was asking for such a favour and so as the good girl that I am, I went to help her 'stay' with her kids. On getting to the house, I could perceive that I was there for something more than just staying with the kids. After a few hours, she asked me to help with the dishes and it moved to washing their clothes, cleaning the house etc. I was not happy about this but I did it anyway. 

Caleb's sister requesting for my 'assistance' did not happen once but happened a few more times and I had indeed become a wife that was not a wife even to his family. I felt really terrible  with myself because I was sure that Caleb must have hinted her about my ability to do these things. I had to do some checks on myself because I knew that I was not acting right but after each check, I still found myself doing the same thing.

I said earlier that at this time Caleb had already proposed to me right? He had put a ring on my finger and so this had validated it right? However, a proposal is not and will never be the marriage in itself and I should not have taken such risk.  Surprisingly but not so surprisingly, Caleb called me one day and said he wanted to discuss something with me. I got really scared "Was he going to break up with me? Had I done something wrong? What exactly does he want to discuss with me?"

To be continued...

Thanks for stopping by, we hope to see you next week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

YOU ARE NOT MARRIED UNTIL YOU ARE!!

Attending weddings or rather being invited to weddings in Lagos happens more frequently than you drink water and so weekend after weekend, I found myself attending one wedding of a friend or of a family friend and that still goes on till date. My friends have been going on about hooking me up with someone but I had always warned them not to try it.

One evening, while trying to rest from the stress of Lagos, I got a call from Tolu inviting me to her wedding which was coming up in about a month's time. I thought the invite was all she had to tell me but she went on to say that she wanted me to help her do some running around with one of her husband's friend, Caleb. I had a feeling that this was a set up but I agreed to help Tolu out. Tolu was the kind of friend who did not like to stress people and so this request coming from her was something I did not want to decline.

Caleb was a cool guy and he tried to make me talk all through our activities but I was  as quiet as you can imagine all through. My thought was "let us do what we need to do and be done already!". At the wedding, he always wanted to be around me and I was not 'understanding this move'. The fact that we did something together for the couple was not a licence to be 'famzing' me or was it? Well, I did not think it was. 

To cut the long story short, I allowed Caleb become my friend and I realised that I enjoyed sharing ideas and talking about my life with him. He was the kind of guy that I liked and he was fun to be with. Yeah, he was. Caleb and I started dating one year after we met at Tolu's wedding. He is a good guy and although he is quite a weird being, we grew fond of each other. Our romantic ever green relationship made everyone love us. He was the most caring person I had ever dated and for every single time I thought about him, I had no regrets that I said yes to him.

We got so close that visiting his house soon become a norm and none of us had anything to hide from each other. We had gotten used to each other and we shared a lot. One day, while we were having a conversation, Caleb asked me to cook for both us as we had not had lunch. This was not really an issue but I had never done it for anyone. I got up after deciding to do it and I made rice, chicken stew and plantain. Personally, cooking is my thing and I do not find it difficult to fix any kind of food but doing this for a guy was not my thing if I am being honest. It was the first time he was asking and I knew this was not going to happen frequently so I decided not to be 'unnice'.

Caleb made cooking for him seem special and with his soothing and romantic words, I had a good feeling doing this for him. Caleb began to frequently request that I cook for him and this was what I was trying to avoid. Sometimes, I was stubborn about it because I did not want him to get used to it but other times I thought to myself "does it really matter that I cook for him? He is a good man and I think he deserves it so why not". It happened that I cooked for Caleb every time I went to his house and on days when I failed to go to his house, I cooked in my house and took it to him. The truth is that cooking for Caleb had become a reoccurring act and strangely I seemed to be enjoying it.

To be continued...

Thank you so much for stopping by. We hope to see you next week.

OneLove, 

SomzyBrown 

Stabbed!!! 2

Anne was shocked and flabbergasted by Mike's action towards her. "What have I done wrong?" She wondered. "Why did he ask me to marry him and why did I ever think saying yes to him was the right thing to do?" She thought to herself. 

This leads me to - "Right person, wrong reasons…. Why relationships crumble"

Would you say Mike broke up because Anne was not right for him or because they went into the relationship for wrong reasons?

Mike and Anne’s story are typical torrid tales that occupy our information space. Break ups are bad, divorce is worse, what happens when the “true love” becomes false?

While I am not exactly a relationship expert, I would be sharing a few thoughts about why relationships crumble despite the fact that the partner fits into all the “specs” you create. 

1. Love is not a feeling, it’s a choice: Relationship is beyond the boisterous butterfly that dances around your stomach when you meet the Tall Dark and handsome guy with a British accent. While it is okay to “fall in love” and chemistry is necessary, it is more important that you share the same goals, values, and other things that make people bond, and this leads me to my next point.

2. Beliefs can’t be Bought: After basking in the euphoria of the captivating chemistry, it is necessary that you come back to reality and examine each other’s beliefs and make sure you are in sync. I was once smitten with a lady who attended a church where they didn’t believe in tithing because they termed it old testament. I picked race immediately, not because her belief was wrong (I have nothing against it) but because I am an ardent believer of tithing and whoever I would spend the rest of my life with must have the same belief. You might term it flimsy, or call it a minor issue, but I hope sometime in the future you don’t exchange words because you paid a huge amount of tithe instead of using the money for children’s school fees, or a particular ceremony.

3. Values give vibes: Nothing unites an intending couple than sharing the same values, interests and other related elements. I tell my friends jokingly that whoever I would end up getting married to, would either be a writer, a poet or a lover of literature. I would rather go for poetry reading than go to see a new movie, so I can’t date not to talk of marrying a movie freak. It doesn’t mean we won’t see movies, but I know you know what I mean. I would also tend towards any lady who has a mild or strong interest in sports, any kind of sports, I mean, we won’t run out of things to say, we would watch champions league together, argue Messi Vs Ronaldo till our food goes cold (or maybe Mbappe ,Hazard vs Neymar then), watch the Williams sister battle on the court and send our kids to sleep while we watch John Cena and Rey Mysterio, it’s gonna be fun…. Call me weird , but I just painted an imaginary future for you. So what is yours, and does that gorgeous lady or man fit into it? You don't wanna 'manage' with the person you would spend the rest of your life with, do you?

4. Physique is Ephemeral: Trust me, nature should never forgive those who base a relationship 'only' on physical attraction. We once joked on my class group page about how some ladies are beautiful both on Sunday morning before service and Saturday morning when they just get off the bed. I am sure you know what I am talking about. If the only thing that attracts you is his or her looks, you are on your own.

I could go on and one, however, I am constrained by time and space. I hope these few lessons were helpful, I look forward to hearing from you and I hope Mike gets back to Anne after the break up.

Emmanuel Faith

Thanks once again for stopping by. We hope to see you next week. Please do not forget to drop your comments and thoughts.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

STABBED!!!!

The radiating rays of the shining sun pierced through the curtain, illuminating the room with resplendent brightness. 

 Her eyes fluttered,

“Oh! its morning”, she whispered as her mind replayed her thoughts before she drifted to the unknown world. She was sure the cupid shot. Did it miss? She knew not.

   Mike was the kind of person that wins “the most eligible bachelor” if Ikoyi was Houston. At twenty-five, he was a chartered accountant working as a consultant with two investment banks aside being a financial analyst for a multinational company.

   Crossing path with Anne was a divinely orchestrated coincidental accident, or so they thought. None of them planned to stop by the central super market to get ice cream but after discovering they were both addicted to ice cream with vanilla flavour, they had a common ground for a potential friendship. 

 Days rolled into dates and each weekend was another time together for the lovebirds. In fact, Mike had started attending Anne’s church since they lived in the same estate.  

       One evening, one serene evening when the zephyr blew with zealous zest and the birds sang in synchronizing symphony, the voice of the parrot nearby harmonized in mellifluous melody with Mike’s romantic request:

 “Staring at your lovely smiles, makes my heart race a thousand miles, my heart seems entwined with thine, beloved queen, would you be mine?”

    Anne’s lungs longed for heart’s heartbeat, as she replied:

    “Yes, yes, I will”. Mike slipped the glistening golden ring into her third finger. 

       Their following date was full of rational deliberations about the wedding. They wanted to have their wedding at the plain land beside their cathedral, after which they would have their honeymoon on an island but all this will happen in the dreamland. 

Mike broke up with her last night.

To be continued.

Emmanuel Faith

Thank you so much for stopping by. We hope to see you next week. 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown