MY MUM IS A GREAT WOMAN BUT MY WIFE ISN'T!

As human beings, from two different backgrounds, we are bound to have differences. It is important to note that it is VERY OKAY to disagree with each other and it is VERY OKAY to be unhappy about a few things that your spouse does. However, what is not okay is to begin to compare your spouse to other people, especially your Parents. 

When you have a very good relationship with your parents, sometimes, you automatically want your spouse to behave like them. For the ladies, you may be looking out for 'sweet Daddy' moments in your husband, while the men may be looking for 'your mum' (Sweet mother) in your wife.

Both ways, we are wrong!

I remember seeing a quote a while ago which was about comparing our behind the scenes to someone else's highlight and I thought to myself, this applies to marriage as well. Some of us compare our spouses 'behind the scenes' to our parents 'highlights' and this should not be.

We want a family man, husband, father, provider, best guy, go to person etc... We want a woman that can keep a home, a wife, a mother, a cook, a best friend, a prayer partner etc... All these things are possible but you  need to give your  spouse time.

Your parents didn't become all that they are overnight. God worked on them and they put in efforts daily until they became these people we admire so much. They went through a lot of 'agreeing to disagree' moments, unending compromises, deep sacrifices and an overdose of communication to become who they are today (the list is endless, because different strokes apply to different folks).

Can I shock you? Your parents are still learning how to be better to/for each other. Marriage is a University that one can never graduate from. There are things our parents will never tell us, and there are struggles they will never share with us. In the same vein, there are things we will never share with our kids.

Life is in stages, we learn, unlearn and relearn everyday. Please give your partner a breathing space. Support him/her by praying for them, and you will see results.

PS: We need to stop looking for our Fathers or Mothers in our partners, everyone is unique in their own way. There was something you saw in him/her in the beginning. Hold on to whatever it was/is, and help them build on it positively.

Oluwasade O.

Thank you for stopping by, and we will be back next week. Please feel free to leave a comment below, God bless you all.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

GIRLFRIEND ALLOWANCE - YAY OR NAY? 2

The issue my friend had with his 'exes' was the fact that they made him feel responsible for them. He was in the same University with one of them and she always needed one thing or the other from him. She demanded for things like it was her right not caring whether he could afford those things or not.  This got him really frustrated and that was what led to us having this discussion.

Some people that are very close to me know that I find it hard to ask people for things (especially guys) and this is because I do not think that anybody owes me anything. Even if I decide to ask you, if you say you cannot give what I have asked for then I should not take it against you because in all honesty, you owe me nothing. I have heard some ladies threaten to break up with a guy if he refuses to get them a particular thing. In my opinion, I do not think that it his responsibility to give you things or get you anything and everything. If he decides to, that is fine but should this be an ‘everytime’ occurrence?

Some ladies are also of the opinion that they should get weekly or monthly allowance from their boyfriend because he is responsible for them or for whatever reason. I am personally not in support of this because I feel the boyfriend is being given a duty that shouldn't be his. People have differing views on this and I would really love to know what you think. So please, drop your comments in the comment box and let us get some more enlightenment on this issue.

Having said that men do not have a duty to be providers for their girlfriends, it is also important to state that this is not a licence for men to be selfish or stingy. Yes, you don't have a duty to give an allowance but you're in a relationship and giving is one of the activities that must take place in a relationship. We have also established that giving is not just for the man in the relationship, it is for both parties. So as a lady, you must not only be willing to receive gifts but to give as well.

Thank you so much for stopping by and we hope to see you again next week by God's grace. Please share your honest and sincere opinions on this because apparently, many people have the same questions to ask.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown 

GIRLFRIEND ALLOWANCE - YAY OR NAY?

Sometime ago, I had a conversation with some young people and one of the things that was discussed had to do with ‘giving’ and ‘receiving’ of gifts.

“I got into a relationship with someone I really loved and because I loved her, I could do almost anything for her. I love to give gifts, especially to someone I really love and so this was a reoccurring event for me. Many times, I could just see something really nice and decide to get it for her, this was not a big deal at all. There was a day, I saw a beautiful shoe and without thinking twice, I decided to get it for her because I thought she would like it. She did like it and I felt really happy. Buying things for a girl that I love is not a problem but the annoying aspect is that this never happens or rarely happens to me. Is there a taboo for ladies to give gifts to guys?” Mr. S said

Now this question got me thinking deep. Is there really a taboo for a lady to buy a gift for a guy? My answer to this was no! “I do not think there is a taboo for ladies to get things for guys but I just think that many ladies have gotten so used to being on the receiving end that they find it difficult to give gifts to guys that they love or that they are in a relationship with” I replied. 

“Okay, I am glad you have a different view concerning this because many ladies (at least the ones I have spoken to) have the opinion that it is the duty of guys to always buy gifts and they (ladies) have no part to play in that” he said.

After establishing the fact that the giving of gifts should be reciprocal (i.e. ladies should be able to give guys gifts as well), something else came up and this had to do with the fact that he had experienced ladies always asking for things from guys. This is different from getting gifts because when you get a gift for someone, you most times do this without the person asking for it. “Why do some ladies think that it is the responsibility of a guy that they are in a relationship with to always get them stuff? I can decide to get you things but you shouldn’t make it seem like it is my duty to always get you things.”

While he was saying this, I knew that he had had some very bad experiences and that was why he spoke the way he spoke but then my question to him was “is it then wrong for a lady you are in a relationship to ask you for something she knows that you are capable of giving to her?”. “No that is not my point” he replied. “A lady can ask, in fact anyone can ask for something from the other person but this should not be an ‘everytime’ thing. Asking for things every single time is draining and for crying out loud, this person is just your boyfriend and not your father. It is the responsibility of a father to care and provide for your needs so do not make your boyfriend one.”

To be continued...

Thank you so much for stopping by, we really do appreciate you.

OneLove, 

SomzyBrown.

WHY SOME RELATIONSHIPS FAIL 2

Ruth continued speaking: 

The Psychiatrist made me realise that because of the events that took place during my childhood, I felt that I wasn't good enough if someone (a man) had not said that to me. She walked me through self-love and adviced that I begin to love myself, understand myself and enjoy my company. 

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Although there are many reasons why relationships fail, I'll like to discuss one important one which is lack of SELF-LOVE.  Many people seem to struggle with this and it could be the major reason Sharon was upset. Self-love means loving yourself but more than that, it means not looking for satisfaction from someone else. Part of self-love includes enjoying your company. Enjoying your company doesn't mean you shouldn't have friends or get into a relationship. Not at all! I'm an advocate for relationships so I cannot advice otherwise. However, when you are in a relationship,  you shouldn't allow the presence or absence of your partner dictate your happiness. Even while in a relationship, you must be able to enjoy your own company. 

Self-love helps you discover who you truly are - your likes, dislikes, hobbies, activities etc. You must be able to discover these things and love yourself for who you are if you must succeed in a relationship. It is very okay for your partner to compliment and validate you (in fact, this is highly recommended) but you must be able to do this to yourself as well such that when your partner doesn't, you are not downcast or sad.

Have you ever looked into the mirror and told yourself how beautiful or handsome you are? Have you ever commended yourself for being so hardworking and committed to the things that matter to you?  Have you ever told yourself how lucky your partner is to have you in his or her space? If your answer to these questions are in the  negative, please you need to begin to change that.

Self-love is not an avenue to be lackadaisical, rather it is an avenue to love yourself and be sincere with yourself. This means that you cannot only claim the positive side of self-love, you must be willing to discover the negative side and improve on such areas.

Informing your self of the areas you need to work on and taking feedbacks on such areas is good but do not dwell on any negativity please. Take feedbacks from yourself and others but move on quickly even while working on those areas that are necessary for your growth.

If you can succeed in loving yourself, knowing yourself and working on yourself, you would not be a burden to your partner when he or she comes into your life. Also when your partner isn't giving you the attention you deserve like Sharon, instead of mourning, you will be able to love yourself and enjoy your company.

 Thank you so much for stopping by and we hope to have you here next week. We hope this write-up was useful to you in some way. Please share and leave your comments. Thank you and God bless you. 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.