MARRIAGE WAS ON MY MIND REGARDLESS...

I liked Ifeanyi so much and I was sure that he loved me. He was so cool headed and this really attracted me to him because you can say that I am a bit lousy. You know the popular saying that lousy people should date or get married to gentle people right? That was what I thought. He seemed to be just perfect for me, or at least so I thought.

My friendly and lousy nature doesn't mean that my head is not correct. Lol. So what I am trying to say is that although I am loud and friendly, I take somethings very serious and you will discover these things later. Ifeanyi had shown interest in me from the very first day we met and in fact he was ready to go meet my parents after two weeks. I told him to take things slowly because we hadn't gotten to know each other well and he had not given me the opportunity to decide if I wanted to be with him or not. 

I was love sick but I knew that it was highly necessary for me to be careful about my choice of a husband. I had had some good experiences with men but I had also had some 'not so good' experiences that I didn't want a repetition of. Ifeanyi had some traits that I wasn't comfortable with but I was beginning to overlook these things even though they are at the core of what I believe. 

Like I said earlier, he is a truly sweet guy and he has plenty money. Ladies would love that right? But he smokes and drinks...He believes in God but doesn't have a relationship with Him so I can't even call him a Christian. Now, apart from the fact that I grew up in a Christian home, I have come to know God for myself and I have a great relationship with him. I already saw signs that it wasn't wise to go ahead with Ifeanyi but I ignored the signs. I was in love and that was all that mattered to me.

In less than a month of meeting Ifeanyi, I said yes to him. He liked to go to the club but I did not have a club lifestyle so I couldn't go with him. He always opted for an alcoholic drink when we went out and although at first I couldn't stand the smell, I started getting used to it. We had so many differences but we loved each other and decided to overlook these differences.

To be continued...

Thanks a bunch for stopping by and reading. We hope to see you next week. God bless you and please keep staying safe.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

WHILE I WAIT FOR MR/MRS RIGHT.

Are you at a stage in your life where you're hoping and praying for Mr/Mrs Right to show up? I join you in this desire and I pray that he/she shows up soonest. However, what should you do before that time pops up? Firstly, before you meet Mr/Mrs Right, you must ensure  that you are RIGHT yourself. This does not mean that you must be perfect, it just means that you are in a position where you can confidently be referred to as a wife or husband material. Remember that to attract the right person, someone with certain qualities, you must have those qualities yourself.

Our writer today has the following advice and recommendations for us:

1). Know your identity: Who you are matters because without you discovering yourself you will have low self-esteem. It is funny to say this because it is so obvious, but you must know the details about you. When the purpose of a thing is unknown, abuse is inevitable. You must know - “Where you are”, “Where you are going”, “What you desire”, “What makes you tick”, “What keeps you motivated”, “What stirs up holy anger in you”, “What makes you very emotional”. You don’t need someone to ask you these questions before knowing the answers. If you don’t know who you are, you cannot know who you are compatible with.  Generally, people do not misbehave or exhibit wrong habits until they are pushed to do so. So you must know yourself first so you can recognize your preferred match.

2). Build and Equip yourself: After realizing who you are, you should then work on yourself. Keep your good manners and change the bad habits. You know there are some people who everyone calls ‘wife material’ and ‘husband material’. The reason is because they portray so many good characters that just makes them seem lovable. It is not about beauty or outward appearance alone, being ‘Right’ could also mean being polite, caring, interesting, generous, useful, etc. We should all work towards being Right because that is who you will attract. In relationships, it is very rare to find a nasty woman with a gentle man or a troublesome boy with an easy-going girl. Your character will attract your true peer. 

Some examples of building your character are:

 Spoken words – Learn how to talk wholesomely to people and how to speak in public places.

 Wise actions – This is the most sensitive part of life. Improve on your tolerance level, anger management, patience.

 Career – Work on building your career. You don’t need to have a job before you have a career. Even if you are unemployed, you should employ yourself for free. Ladies,  please note that many men are more attracted to busy ladies. There are a lot of things that you can do to build your career even when you are not currently working anywhere, merely looking for a job is a job and researching about your ambitions and goals is a job also. Stay busy, get out of your comfort zone and you stand the chance of meeting more responsible people.

 Generosity – Be generous, not only in relation to money but also in kind. A kind gesture makes you lovable. Just being generous with your courtesy could qualify you as a wife or husband material.

* For males, you should know by now that you will be the driver of the relationship/marriage. You need to be more equipped. For instance, when it comes to finances, you're expected  to be  more independent than the lady; you should be more enlightened so you can teach her; you should also be a motivator who would stir her to do great things.

*For females, learn how to do the domestic duties (it doesn’t mean it’s your job alone, anyone can do it). Get busy with your career life, live a balanced life, men nowadays don’t want to get married  to ladies that will become a liability to them. Be versatile because this makes you earn more respect.

*Be yourself at all times, let him or her love you for who you are not who you hope to be because you may never be that. There’s no need to try to impress anyone by faking the real you because in no time, you will show your true colour. The Yorubas say ‘Character is like Smoke’, trying hard to be perfect against who you truly are makes you unreal and makes people wary of you.

Finally, don’t get too tired of waiting for your Mr/Mrs Right that you settle for second best. Be very convinced before you ask her out or before you say yes to him. Don’t let the sugarcoated words of the men or the pretty-looking ladies confuse your choice-making, but rather, be convinced by discovering the heart that truly matches yours!

Folakemi Oshokoya

Thank you so much for stopping by and we hope to see you here again. God bless you and keep staying safe.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

AN ADVICE TO HIM AND HER.

Dear Mr. & Mrs.:

1. Jealousy is illogical but your partner has rights of a basic sense of entitlement and protection over you.

2. Never hype any person of the opposite sex above your partner.

3. Your partner's emotion is your primary responsibility, handle with care.

4. Your partner's reaction should become the compass of your watchfulness. Don't dismiss it, think about it.

5. Make conscious effort of commending your partner easily.

6. Every other day, find one thing useful to do for your partner.

7. Make sure nobody anywhere is demonstrating more care for your partner than you do; it is you they got married to and that is your role.

8. Stop expecting more than you are giving; invoke their love by giving it.

9. Invest love in a way that harvesting it is easy.

10. Do not force your position on anything on your partner. Engage their mind so that they can understand your point. In essence, communicate, do not try to command and control.

11. Your partner will subconsciously compare how you treat them vs. outsiders, remember this.

12. Consciously treat your partner above your best treatment to everyone else.

13. Make a habit of hyping your partner to their hearing and especially when talking about them to everyone else.

14. Every partner struggles with the thought of 'How valuable' they are to you, don't worsen this by your words or conduct.

15. It is your responsibility to make sure your partner has no doubts about their place in your life.

16. Never respond to your partner's doubt with anger, listen carefully, get their point. You will either clarify or fix the issue.

17. Re-evaluate your relationships; are you fueling your partner's doubt or deepening their assurances?

18. If you stop being deliberate, marriage will not only become a bore, it will DIE.

19. Your partner is entitled to be jealous over you! You belong to them, period.

20. If you take their jealousy rights away, you have in effect ended the oath.

21. Overlook many things and don't confront unless it is absolutely necessary to address things that they have failed to address through your patience or body language.

22. Don't choke them because you 'own them',  be mature about your rights.

Your Bro,

Ocholi Okutepa

Thank you so much for stopping by,  we hope you've learnt a thing or two. Please feel free to drop your comments. God bless you. 

OneLove, 

SomzyBrown.

WHY ON EARTH DID HE LEAVE? 2

Meeting Prof. Jacob Omololu was the best thing that happened to me. He took me as his son and constantly pointed me in the right direction. He became the father figure that I had always looked forward to having. He taught me a lot of things and it felt really good to have a good man like  him in my life. As you will recall, there was no male figure in my life that I could look up to because my dad left when I was much younger and my uncles were corrupt and had really bad characters. So my relationship with Prof. Omololu changed my life and helped me make the right decisions. He made a lot of sacrifices and showed me love even when I disagreed with some of his advices. However, I would save the long story for another time. 

My relationship with Prof. Omololu changed my life and even till date I still call him to seek his advice or opinion on certain issues even though I am now married. Now that I am married and I have my own kids, I have made it a point of duty to have sincere conversations with not just my daughters but my sons as well. It is my duty to educate them and bring them up in the right way. I could have gone astray, I could have made costly mistakes but for my mum and the privilege of meeting Prof. Omololu and the positive impact he made in my life.

Not only have I decided to train my children properly, I have also decided to help other young boys around me. Some of them do not have fathers (due to death or abandonment). Some others have fathers but their fathers are not people that they can emulate. I have started with my son and his friends, I treat them like my sons and encourage them to be good boys. I also make sure I lead by good example. I have nothing to hide from them and with wisdom I ensure that I say the right things at the right time and in the right way. 

The truth is that boys need people to emulate and when I say people, I mean (fellow men). The ladies do a lot of this and it is rare to find a woman who would leave her children. However, many men leave their families, some cheat on them to be with other women, some just decide to be too busy to be involved in the lives of their kids, some are ignorant of the great role they can play in their children's lives etc.

Having a good male mentor is important for the male child. This is important where a boy does not have a father present in his live or where he has a father who is bad and toxic, or he has a father that he cannot be open/free with. See the picture below for clarity. Boys/Guys/Men need real mentors. There are real issues that are common with the male gender and it is helpful and useful to have someone point them in the right direction. 

If you have a father that you can't talk to, look for good and godly men in your church, office or around you that can mentor you. This is highly important! Also if you know you are capable and a real man, be open and willing to help the young men around you. With training and mentoring the boy child, guy, men, we can make the world a better place.

Every child is important! The male child is as important as the female child and if there is a need for the female child to be well trained, mentored and brought up, then there is a strong need for the male child to have a similar experience.

Thanks a lot for stopping by and we hope this helped in some way.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

WHY ON EARTH DID HE LEAVE?

"Dad, I am tired! I am frustrated! Somethings have been bothering me...and I just hope I don't get depressed". "God forbid, depression is not your portion", my dad quickly said in response to my statement. These were the last words he said to me before we parted ways. I had tried severally to have a conversation with him but he either did not have my time or over-spiritualised things and this made it difficult to talk to him. 

I grew up without my dad being there for the major and most important part of my life. I hated my dad because he left my mum and I especially when I needed him the most. I just could not imagine why a man in his right senses would do such a thing. My mum could have left out of frustration but I am glad she didn't. I wouldn't go into  details on what living with my dad was like. He claimed to be a Christian and could quote the bible from back to back but then did he live like one? That's a story for another day.

Back to my mum, I must give her the credit - she was exceptionally strong and she worked really hard at playing her role as a father and mother in my life. But was that enough? Surely it wasn't as you can imagine. As much as I loved my mum and I knew she was doing her best, there was still a vacuum that only a man could fill. 

Numerous times, I went to bed thinking deeply and wishing there was someone that I could emulate, ask questions about how I felt and why I felt my body move in certain ways. I also wished there was someone to talk to about my masculinity and how to handle certain issues. But there was none! There was no one to have manly conversations with. There was no one to talk to me and I had no one to talk to. My mum did a lot of readings and research on how and why men acted in certain ways but it was not sufficient. She was a disciplinarian and she was good at 'spearing the rod and spoiling the child' but there were so many things that she could not do or say because she had  ever experienced them as she is not a man.

I knew I did not want to end up like my dad leaving my wife and child or children but I was scared that history would repeat itself. I had uncles but their lifestyle scared me to death. My mum also put in strict measures to avoid any contact with them because she did not want her son to be corrupt. They exhibited certain characters that were obviously wrong and if they were told to guide/mentor me, my life would have been a serious mess. This is because I would have emulated their lifestyle whether I wanted to or not.

As I said earlier, my mum did all she could to ensure that I was well trained. I did all the house chores, I cooked, I worked even as a young boy etc. I spoke to her about somethings and she was able to help me but there were many other things I couldn't talk to her about. I got into the University at age seventeen (17) and discovered that there were a lot more that I was naive about. I knew I had to seek help before things went bad or I joined a cult. I noticed a lecturer of mine that I could talk to as He appeared to be a good and morally upright man but I was unsure as to how to approach him.

Surprisingly, he developed an interest in me and asked me to come to His office after one of his lectures. At first I was sceptical because no one had ever offered such relationship to me and I did not did want to get dissappointed. It felt strange but I made up my mind to give it a try. 

Thanks for stopping by. We shall continue next week and we hope to see you then.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.