5 LOVE LANGUAGES - PHYSICAL TOUCH

What does physical touch mean? Is it limited to sex or there are other things involved? Physical touch is not limited to sex. As the phrase implies, it has to do with 'touch' which sex is a part of. According to the author, Gary Chapman, research has shown that children who are held, hugged, kissed, develop a healthier emotional life than children who are left for a longer period of time without physical contact. In the same vein, physical touch is a powerful vehicle for communicating marital love.

It is highly important to discover what your spouse's primary love language is so that you're not giving or doing something you think would be appreciated but means nothing to your spouse. If physical touch is your spouse's primary love language then you have to be very creative on how to go about it. Also the best person to ask is your spouse. As little as holding hands in public might seem, this would mean a lot for a spouse whose primary love language is physical touch. Hugging and/or kissing your spouse before they go out could bring them home sooner than you expect and could make their hearts filled with thoughts of you through out the day. Playing with your spouse's hair, face, are also ways to express love if his/her primary love language is physical touch.

Although there are inappropriate ways to touch someone of the opposite sex in our society, for married couples this is determined by the people involved. So you can ask your spouse about the 'touches' that he or she doesn't like. You can also try out new ways to touch him or her and see what comments s/he makes about it. This way you get to know whether such kind of touch is enjoyable or irritating to your spouse.

Physical touch is a powerful love communicator and Gary Chapman says when your spouse (whose primary love language is physical touch) goes through a crisis, nothing is more important than touching or holding as s/he cries or expresses sadness. During such time, s/he might not need you to say anything because your words at that time may mean little but s/he would expect that you touch or hold them and they will appreciate you for this. The author also says that "your tender touches will be remembered long after the crisis has passed but your failure to touch may never be forgotten"

Having discovered that your spouse's primary love language is physical touch, Gary Chapman gives the following recommendation:

1. Hold his/her hands as you walk to the mall or from the mall.

2. While eating together, let your knee or foot drift over and touch your spouse.

3. Tell your spouse how much you love them and gradually give them a hug or a peck. This does not have to lead to the bedroom. Smiles.

4. Initiate a shoulder massage while your spouse is seated. Continue this for about 5 minutes unless your spouse tells you to stop.

5. If you sit together in Church, hold hands while a prayer is being said. 

6. Give your spouse a foot massage and continue to other parts of your spouse's body as long as it is pleasurable to your spouse.

7. Run the water in the Jacuzzi but if you don't have one, you can call for a bath and have one with your spouse.

8. While you drive, you can touch certain parts of your spouse's body.

9. Touch your spouse in the presence of visiting friends and relatives. It could be a hug, putting your arm around his/her shoulder. It just shows that despite the people around, you still see him/her.

10. When your spouse gets home, meet him or her at the door, outside, garage, street and give him/her a big hug.

Thank you so much for stopping by and we look forward to seeing you next week by God's grace.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

5 LOVE LANGUAGES - ACTS OF SERVICE

Mary and Mark had been married for just 2 years and they both felt unhappy because nothing seemed to be working out. In the words of Mark, they "...barely agreed on anything and quarelled on almost everything." Mark's complaint was that Mary did not do the house chores and this was really annoying to him. Mary's issue with Mark was that he was not willing to help her with some of the house chores even though he did this (helping with chores) while they were dating. She was angry that the things he willingly did while they were dating, he stopped doing when they got married. Mark's reason for not helping with the chores was because his father did not do all of the things Mary expected that he would do. Mark had a stereotype and this affected their marriage.

The above story leads us to the Love Language for today which is "Acts of Service". Acts of service simply means doing what your spouse would love you to do to show love to him or her. These acts include: Washing the dishes; cleaning the house; making food; taking the kids out; folding the clothes; laying the bed; washing the car; taking the trash out etc. For some people, acts of service happens to be their primary love language and they feel very loved when their spouse carries out some or certain activities around the house. However, it is important to note that the acts of service that Mr. A requires might be different from the acts of service that Mr. B would want done and vice versa. Therefore, the fact that your friend's husband always wants her to cook for him and that's a major act of service for him does not mean your own husband would require the same act of service.

Is it possible for spouses to both have acts of service as their primary love language? Yes! It is very possible. This was the case with Mary and Mark. Mark liked Mary to keep the house clean by ensuring that certain chores were done and this according to him would show that Mary loves him. Mary on the other hand would do the chores but she wanted some form of assistance from Mark and this would show Mary that Mark really loves and cares about her. In fact, from the story, we can see that Mark went to Mary's house regularly when they were dating and helped her with chores and this made her love him more. What if this act was one of the reasons she finally decided to get married to him? Maybe she thought "I love men that can help with house chores" and Mark fitted that description perfectly. But then what happened? They got married and he stopped assisting with the chores because of a stereotype from his upbringing.

Some people treat their spouses as a DOOR MAT and not a lover. According to Gary Chapman, a Door Mat is something you step on, manipulate, kick around. Spouses deserve to be loved and not stepped upon. Manipulating is wrong but allowing yourself to be manipulated is more wrong. You must be willing to state what you want and expect from your spouse IN LOVE and IN A NICE WAY and not by making demands or raising your voice.

To fully understand and come to terms with the love language of acts of service, our ideas of the role of men and women would need to be shifted in some way. We live in an age where it is no more clear or agreeable what should be done by a woman and what should be done by a man. Many people saw their fathers carry out certain or no activities in the house and some saw their mothers do majority of the chores and this created a stereotype. Sadly but certainly for your good, you might need to forget about the picture of your parents if your marriage is important to you because you're married now and it is about making your spouse's love tank full and not about what your father did not do or what your mother did. If you realise how important something is to your spouse, you will be willing to break stereotypes if that's what it takes to show him/her love. "There are no rewards for maintaining stereotypes but there are numerous and tremendous benefits for meeting the emotional needs of your spouse". 

It is highly important to note that this is one love language where the pictures of parents come alive. However, these pictures in some way have to be dropped if progress is to be made in each (unique) family. 

If your spouse's primary love language is acts of service, here are some suggestions:

1. Make a list of the requests your spouse has made and try to do 1 every week.

2. Tell your spouse to make a list of the things s/he would love you to do. 

3. Try to remember an act that your spouse has nagged about consistently and try to do it because this in itself is worth more than a thousand roses.

4. If you have more money than time, you can hire someone to carry out the chores which will definitely relieve your spouse of stress. 

5. Ask your spouse to tell you the daily acts of service you could do which would speak love to him or her. 

Thank you so much for stopping by and we look forward to seeing you next week. Have a blessed and fruitful week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

5 LOVE LANGUAGES - GIFTS

Gifts are very precious and they have a way of melting the heart or what do you think? They are items that you can hold in your hand and say "he was thinking of me" or "she remembered me". For a person to get another person a gift, it means that s/he thought about or remembered that person. Gift giving is highly fundamental to love and guess what? The gift doesn't have to cost a dime. 

Gifts are a symbol of love and for some this ranks higher than other things (i.e. for some people, receiving gifts is their primary love language). As discussed in the previous episodes, a couple may have the same primary love language but more often than not, the primary love language of a husband is different from a wife. For a spouse whose primary love language is gifts, it might not matter whether the gift cost a lot of money or cost nothing at all. They rejoice at all gifts and are very appreciative of them regardless of the size. 

Gift giving is one of the easiest love languages to learn and Gary Chapman says that "if your spouse's primary love language is receiving gifts, you can become a proficient gift giver". For those who may say that their gift giving game is poor and do not know how to go about getting gifts for their spouses - your assignment is quite simple. If your spouse's primary love language is receiving gifts then he or she would have made mention of certain things that they would love to have or receive. All you need to do is  make a list of those things that your spouse has mentioned (or will mention) and gradually based on the size of your pocket, get those things for him/her. You can also ask close friends and family members who know your spouse well to advice on what gifts s/he may appreciate.

Gifts and Money

Some spouses are very careful when it comes to spending money, they will rather save and invest than buy anything extra. However, some others are very open to spending money. While there should be a balance, if you belong to the latter group you might not have an issue spending money on gifts for your spouse. However, if the former group is where you belong, this might be a big issue that you need to work on. It is very adviceable to invest in your spouse because this investment is one that would last long. 

The Gift of Self

This is one of the best gifts you can give to your spouse especially if his/her primary love language is gifts. A spouse whose love language is receiving gifts would appreciate your presence when they need you to be around. A lady complained to Gary Chapman that her husband loves softball more than he loves her. Her reason for saying this was that he was always playing soft ball at the times she needed him the most. The first experience was when their baby was born. He stayed during labour but immediately the baby came out, he went to play softball. She was extremely furious. The same thing happened when she lost her mum, people were around to console her but her husband was away playing softball. Her husband didn't see anything wrong in playing softball because he felt he had done his part by being present (even though for a short while) but she was greatly affected by his acts.

"Physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give if your spouse's primary love language is receiving gifts". 

An advice to those whose primary love language is receiving gifts, if physical presence is important to you, you have a big duty to communicate this to your spouse because s/he cannot read your mind. So please learn to talk and let him/her know that their presence means the world to you. 

Suggestions from the Author

If your spouse's primary love language is receiving gifts here are some suggestions:

• Get your spouse something special, you can drop a box of chocolates or fruits before stepping out or place a delivery to him or her at work or home.

• Let nature be your guide.

• You can make a handmade gift for your spouse, it doesnt have to be something extra ordinary or expensive.

• You can decide to give your spouse a gift a day for a week or for a month. And your spouse wouldn't expect it to be forever but it will be good for memory sake.

• Keep a GIFT IDEA BOOK - whenever your spouse mentions something that they would love to have, just write it down. It doesn't matter that you do not have the funds. 

• You can ask for help from a friend if you're clueless as to what kind of gifts to get for your spouse. Not everyone is creative with gift ideas so don't feel bad.

• Offer the gift of presence. This would definitely go a long way.

• Give your spouse a book in an area that you know he or she is greatly interessted in and offer to discuss it with him or her. 

• Give a lasting tribute - do something for the church, charity group or community in your spouse's name. 

• Give a living gift - something that he or she would remember for life.

Thank you so much for stopping by and I hope it's been insightful for you as it has been  for me. See you next week by God's grace!!

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

5 LOVE LANGUAGES - QUALITY TIME

How many of us know that you can buy all the gifts in the world for your spouse and s/he will not be satisfied because you are not speaking his/her right love language? That's the reason we've decided to bring to you a summary of this amazing book. We hope you learnt one or two things last week and we also hope that you will learn a few things this week. 

It is highly important to know that what makes Mrs. A feel loved emotionally might be totally different from what makes Mr. A feel loved emotionally. As we said last week, we all need to take time to study what makes our spouse's love tank rise up and what could make it go low so that we can carry out actions that would bring about the former and forsake actions that could lead to the latter. 

Quality time means being available and spending time with your spouse by giving him/her your undivided attention. You can spend time with your spouse but your attention is divided - I.e. you're with other people (so your spouse doesn't have your full attention) OR you're on your phone, OR you're watching TV. Undivided means 'not shared with any thing or anyone'. Your focus is on one person - your spouse. Gary Chapman also says that quality time means 'doing something with your spouse that s/he enjoys' and this leads to the next point.

Togetherness - this according to Gary Chapman is a very important part of quality time. Togetherness is different from proximity as two people can be in the same room and not be together. Some spouses think they are spending time together but unfortunately they are just in close proximity. Spending time with your spouse actually communicates that you care about him/her, you enjoy being with him/her and you like doing things together.

Quality Conversations - this has to do with sympathetic dialogue. The Writer says that most times when people complain that their spouses do not talk, they do not mean that s/he doesn't say anything. Rather, they mean that their spouses do not engage in sympathetic dialogue which is where feelings, experiences, thoughts are shared in a friendly manner. If quality time is your spouse's primary love language, it means you must have and make efforts to have these conversations. I mean feelings have to be expressed, you cannot be blank or have the "I don't care attitude" when your spouse is  saying something that is important to him or her.

Gary Chapman suggests 5 things to do in order to effectively listen to your spouse and they are:

• Maintain eye contact when your spouse is talking; 
• Do not listen to him/her and be engaged in something else while they are talking;
• Listen to know how s/he feels about the situation; 
• Observe body language and be sympathetic; 
• Refuse to interrupt while s/he is speaking. 

Learning to Talk - It is not enough to listen to your spouse pour out his/her mind or be physically present, you also need to talk to them. If your spouse's primary love language is quality time then they would also expect that you get intimate with them by expressing how you feel about what they've been through or what they've just shared with you.

Quality Activities - If your spouse's primary love language is quality time, you need to discover the kind of activities that he or she expects you (or that he or she would like you) to do with him/her. It's not enough to say that you'll work on it. You need to create a list of the activities that s/he has talked about and find ways in which to carry out this activities with them showing that you care about making their love tank full. Gary Chapman states that Quality Activity is important because it creates/provides a memory bank from which you can draw from in the future. There are different activities that you can engage in with your spouse, discover which is important to them and engage in such. 

Remember that QUALITY TIME is about - Doing things together, being together, giving each other undivided attention etc. 

Thank you so much for stopping by and we look forward to seeing you next week. 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown