FIVE (5) LOVE LANGUAGES - WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

Last week, we introduced a conversation between two friends where one was complaining about how impossible it is to please his girlfriend. The other based on experience, adviced him to study and discover her needs because his assumption of what is important to her might be wrong. This conversation led to us introducing the book titled "The Five (5) Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. This is a book that would help you discover the love language of your spouse. I can assure you that this journey would be an insightful one and one that you will enjoy so please sit tight and enjoy the read.

The first thing that Gary Chapman wants each and everyone of us to note is that - your spouse has a love tank and there is a need to always get our his/her love tank full.  As a loving spouse that you are, your desire should be to make your spouse feel loved by doing the things that you know are important to him or her. Although everyone has a duty to discover what makes your spouse's love tank full and what could make it low, these 5 love languages will serve as a guide to knowing what he or she really needs. The first love language that we will discuss is WORDS OF AFFIRMATION 

Words of Affirmation could be likened to compliments given to a person. According to Gary Chapman, words of Affirmation are "verbal compliments or words of appreciation..." Saying words like "You look beautiful in that dress" or "You're so beautiful my darling wife" could make a woman's love tank go up. Also words like "I am proud of the man that you are" or "You're so responsible..." could make a man's love tank sky rocket. When your spouse does something good, s/he deserves a compliment from you. It's not enough to say it in your mind (many of us are guilty of this), you should let him or her know that you really appreciate him picking you up from work or taking out the rubbish or even assisting in cleaning the house. You have to be ready to compliment him/her for everything they do. 

Another part of Words of Affirmation is dishing out encouraging words to your spouse especially in areas that you know s/he feels insecure. Sometimes it is easy to get carried away by focusing only on what's important to you, forgetting that your spouse might be failing (or may feel like s/he is failing) at what is important to him/her. Encouraging words at such times would definitely lift the spirit of your spouse up. For example, if your husband has been out of a job for a while and he has been making efforts to get one but all to no avail, he would appreciate if you encourage him. You might think he needs to do something better but maybe your advice can come after much encouragement. Gary Chapman gave an example of a lady who loved to write but had failed at it and had been rejected a couple of times. Her husband suddenly realised that he had not been paying attention to the 'writing' side of his wife (which he knew was important to her) and so he decided to read one of her articles. After doing so, he had a conversation with her and told her that she was an excellent writer and that she should ensure she sends her articles out to Magazines to get published. This had a great impact on her as she was already beginning to lose hope in her skills as a writer. This is a call for everyone to pay attention to what is important to your spouse and be there to encourage him or her with the right words.

Kind Words - According to Gary Chapman, you have to be very careful with the tone of your voice when speaking to your spouse. Two same statements can be interpreted to mean different things depending on how it is said. Your spouse deserves to be spoken to in kind manners and with kind words so this is a call for you to develop this habit. When s/he does something terrible, the words you speak matters. There is a tendency to want to speak harshly but you have to consciously speak kind words. Your words can be kind even though you are passing across a message of distaste or dislike about something that your spouse did or failed to do. 

Humble Words - When asking for something, we are adviced to be careful not to make demands but to gently make requests. "Honey can you kindly help take the kids to school today" is different from "I've been taking the kids to school and I am tired so take them today..." When you make a request, you're reaffirming the worth and abilities of your spouse but when you make a demand, you become a tyrant.

What if you're not good with words of Affirmation? What if it's not your thing? Well if it is important to your spouse, you will need to learn how to speak words of Affirmation. Gary Chapman suggests that when you read books or watch movies where such words are used, you can write them down in a book and in no time you will have more than enough words. He also suggests that you talk to family and friends about him or her (positively) and that someday someone or some people will let him/her know how you really feel about your spouse. 

Finally, the fact that your love language or one of them is words of Affirmation doesn't mean that the same thing applies to your spouse. You have to carefully discover what is important to your spouse and this leads us to the next love language. Who can take a guess?

Thanks a lot for stopping by, we hope you've gained a thing or two and we hope to see you next week as we continue with the next love language.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

ACTUAL NEEDS vs. ANALYSED NEEDS

Tayo: Guy howfar na? How things dey go? Longest time o. You no see me, you know ask after me. Na wa for you o. 

Gbenga: My guy, I just dey like Dele o. Abeg no vex, this family life get plenty responsibilities. How your side na? Hope sey everything dey okay?

Tayo: Wetin man fit do na? I dey try but make I no lie you, na God dey help me o.

Gbenga: God will keep helping all of us. That reminds me, you once told me about this lady that you wanted to get married to but you haven't said anything about her in recent times. Hope everything is okay between you both?

Tayo: My guy, everything is okay but I am beginning to reconsider whether or not to go ahead to propose cos the moment you propose like this, no turning back o.

Gbenga: Lol. So why are you reconsidering? How did you move from being very sure that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone to not being sure? Or are you scared?

Tayo: I don't know o Gbenga. I don't think I am scared of taking this bold step but I just don't seem to be able to please this lady and it is giving me serious concerns. She complains about everything and it is tiring. I send money to her, buy gifts for her etc. But she still complains about one thing or the other. I don't want a woman that would be complaining every single time when I am married o. I cherish peace like nothing else and if being single would give me that peace then I will rather stay single. Let's forget about me joor, I will be fine. How's married life treating you?

Gbenga: My dear, we are marrying the marriage o. (Smiles). I am unlearning and relearning a lot of things but we are taking it one step at a time. If I must be sincere, it's not been very easy but God has been faithful. 

About your babe Tayo, have you tried listening to her complaints and seeing how you can change things if you need to?  Instead of just thinking that she likes to complain, you should listen to her. Most times when ladies complain about something repeatedly, they are simply trying to pass across a message that we might have turned blind eyes to. Also, it might be that you are focusing on the wrong things and forsaking what she really needs or what really matters to her. 

Tayo: Guy you don't know this lady and you're already taking sides with her...

Gbenga: No I am not taking sides with her o. Its just that I have been in your shoes before and mine might have been worse than yours. When we just got married, I thought my wife appreciated me helping her out with whatever she had to do (like house chores or even her official work) and so I spent a lot of time doing that. But I later discovered that buying gifts and being around her were more important to her than helping her out with chores or work. Sometimes it might just be that you need to channel your energy in the direction that your spouse needs and not what you think she needs.

This brings us to a topic that I've been anxiously waiting to write on. I guess many of us have read the book titled "The Five Love Languages" for singles or married. However, I know there are some others who only know about the five love languages and so I will be touching on each of them for the next five weeks. I think it would be an interesting one so please ride with me and you can share the link with your friends and loved ones as well. 

Thank you so much for stopping by and we hope to see you next week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

I WISH HE WAS THERE TO CATCH ME...

Majority of the children, teenagers, youths, men, women talk about the impact of one parent (i.e. their mother) in their lives. You will hear even big men say that they were raised by their grandmother or by their mother. Although not all mothers are there for their kids when growing up or all through their lives, research has shown that majority of them are. The instances you hear of mothers abandoning their kids is quite low compared to fathers and as such we are not focusing on mothers in this topic.

I grew up with some friends that had fathers who were not physically present for them not because they passed away but because of one reason or the other. I literally had discussions with a lot of guys and a few ladies who had experienced this and if I am being honest, it broke my heart. Each time we had conversations surrounding this, they would voice out saying "I wish my father was there for me...". Even at this stage of my life, I have met more people that have missed out on the fatherly care or guidance and they have expressed how sad it is to live without a father or a father that cares.

I had some challenges with my dad especially when I was a teenager because I thought he was being overly protective. I will fight with him and decide not to talk to him for days knowing that he could not handle such treatment from me. I remember reporting him to one of my friends one day and she said "you should be happy that you have a father who loves you, a father who is there to protect you and a father that you can even fight with..." This statement made me realise the impact of non-fatherhood in the life of a child, teenager or even an adult.

Looking back, I remember how I would say to my friends "forgive your dad and move on, he didn't know he was missing out on a great son/daughter...give him a call or just send a text to him to say you love him...". My friends will argue with me and give me reasons why they should not call or even be in contact with their fathers. According to them - "someone has decided not to count you worthy to be in your life, why should you then count him worthy?" Now that I look back, it is  totally understandable that they reacted that way. There is a vacuum that the absence of a father leaves in a child especially the male child and this has led to this write-up.

There is a saying that many fathers abandon their responsibilities to mothers as if the child(ren) was brought to life by just one person. As a result of these common reoccurrence, many children miss out on having a fatherly figure in their lives. If you're a man reading this article, you have a duty to be responsible for your child(ren) whether or not you have benefited from fatherhood. Growing up without a father could be really tough and you do not want your child to go through the same thing you went through. Children, teenagers, youths and even grown people, need fathers to guide them. Mothers may be stronger than you can imagine but they cannot handle it alone. Even if they handle it, they will miss out on certain major parts of the child's life. There needs to be a balance in the raising of children and fathers need to step up their game.

This a call to boys, guys, men - you have a duty to be THERE for your children, not just financially but in every area of their lives. You have a duty to properly train your child(ren). You're a co-partner in this so please do not neglect your roles and responsibilities. If you have a father who was not there to watch you grow, teach you and guide you through life as a man, I sincerely apologise for this because you may not see the importance to do the same to your children whether male or female. Looking at the impact this had on you should encourage you to be there for your child. Although I agree that you may not know how to go about this but you can get mentors or men that are fatherly to help you become a better you. 

Let me also ask for a favour? Can you try to understand that your child needs a father just as you needed one? Can you try to understand that your child would not make the same mistakes you made if he has a fatherly figure to help him, guide him and train him in the way that he should go? Can you try to ignore the pain (even though extremely hard) and get a fatherly figure (i.e. someone who can mentor you) to help you overcome these fears?

Your child needs you! Your child would need you to be there for him or her! They will need a fatherly figure to show them certain aspects of life that their mum cannot really show to them. Please be that man that your children and even other children around will be proud to talk about and call father. Your past was bad without a father, make your future good by being a great father, a great uncle, a great teacher, a great mentor to your kids. According to Bishop TD Jakes - Being a father is and could be a painful process but you have to be ready and willing to stand there, stay strong and go through the pain of building your family because at the end of the day it is for a good cause.

We all have a part to play in this. As girls, ladies, women, we need to show how important men are and encourage them even when what they do is little in their sight. I am not here to argue on whether or not women also need encouragement. Yes they do but this is about the men and not the women. 

Thank you so much for stopping by, we hope you enjoyed reading this and we hope to see you next week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

COMMUNICATION GAP IN RELATIONSHIPS/MARRIAGES

"Do you think we should have relationship/marriage phone curfew?" This was a question that I asked someone recently and it is something I have been seriously thinking about. Now I am sure a lot of things are running through your mind but is it possible to give a sincere answer to the above question? In order to give an adequate answer, you will be required to think deeply about how one partner constantly being on his/her phone may have affected your relationship or maybe the relationships of people around you.

So what do you think? Do you want to be with your boyfriend and all through a date he is chatting away? Should we have these curfews or restrictions? For the boyfriends and girlfriends, should we be able to say "Babe when we are together, please let us do away with our phones, enjoy the moment and have physical conversations." For the married, should we say "Baby, please whenever we are together, can we do away with our phones so that we can bond and focus on ourselves instead of the world?

Examining the relationship of different parents and much older friends, I have realised that they have a stronger relationship or marriage than many of us in the 'technology century'. Although many of them have phones and the social media apps that we (the younger generation) have, they seem to have far more control than we do. Of course, this is not to say that technology is bad. It definitely isn't! It only becomes bad when it is mismanaged.  In fact, technology and the existence of social media have helped us in so many ways but that is not the concentration for today.

Now a days, it is highly possible (in fact it happens a lot) for a couple to be in the same space for over 2 hours without having any real conversation with each other. But guess what? They are actively engaging in conversations on their phones (i.e. responding to chats and watching videos on Instagram etc.). Many of us including myself are guilty of this act but I feel we need to do something about it before it gets out of hand. 

This really bothers me and I think we should be able to curb the communication  gap that arises from addiction to social media. If you're physically present, let those around you know that you're actually present and if you're absent let them know that you're physically absent. It's not good to be physically present but not present (i.e. you're in a gathering but you're just occupying space because you are on your phone all most all through). We need to be able to have real conversations and that's why there is a need for a social media check or restriction especially when we are with loved ones.

I remember having a conversation with one of my uncles two or three years ago and he said "This social media thing is good in a way but it is also not good. It makes it difficult for people to have genuine conversations because they want to keep up with what is going on in other people's lives and they forget that the lives of those around them are even more important than the lives of those who do not even have a clue of who they are".

As said earlier, technology/phones/social media is good but we all need to endeavour that we use them for the right reasons. We need to be careful so that our addiction to social media does not lead to us losing great relationships. We need to be able to focus on ourselves rather than others (especially people that don't even know or care about us). A minister was said and I really like what she said "why are you keeping up with the Kardashians when the Kardashians should be the ones keeping up with you". In all sincerity, the people you might be keeping up with don't even have your time, they don't have a clue that you exist so why are you wasting your energy?

I have written on this topic to enable us all sit down and examine this situation. Are we guilty of this or not? Yes we might say that our parents or older friends did not have this opportunity early enough and so they are better for it but that doesn't really matter. Technology could be a distraction as well as a communication tool for spouses. However, we have a choice to make on whether we would make it advantageous to communicating with our spouses or disadvantageous. Let me also point out that addiction to social media/technology is just one of the reasons for communication gap in relationships and marriages, there are many others not covered in this write-up.

Thank you so much for stopping by, we appreciate you and we hope to see you next week. 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

YOUR SPOUSE MUST BE YOUR BEST FRIEND - CHOOSE THE RIGHT PARTNER 3

We welcome you to the last part of Mr. Leke Alder's interesting and real write-up. I hope we have enjoyed it so far. Please follow through till the end as he has a lot more insights below. Can I just plead with you to read the previous 2 episodes so that you have a fair understanding on what this write-up is about.

Do these things apply to boyfriend/girlfriend relationship? Can they be adapted? First you have to note the Bible has no protocol for boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. The Bible has a protocol for marriage not boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Even the concept of engagement in modern society is radically different from what obtained in Bible times. The betrothal of Joseph to Mary is not the same as engagement in modern society. In Jewish society betrothal is more or less marriage. The Bible didn’t say Joseph and Mary broke up. It says he wanted to divorce her quietly. Matthew 1:19 AMP. All we can do therefore is extrapolate principles from extant writing and follow the omnibus Bible recommendation that wisdom is profitable.

So here’s some wisdom:

The starting point of a successful marriage is the right choice of partner. A right choice of partner will factor in those three clusters – friendship and romance, dutifulness and responsibility, sensuality and sexuality. You must ask yourself pertinent questions on each cluster:

a. Sensuality and Sexuality Cluster: Do I like how she looks, do I like how he looks? Am I attracted to him (or her) physically? Can I imagine sleeping with him (or her)?

This vitiates the theology God can tell you to marry anybody, even people you’re not attracted to. Why would God do that! Is he a sadist? If you want to know the danger in that philosophy read the story of Leah and Jacob.

b. Friendship and Romance Cluster: Can we be friends… Go out together, gist, feel comfortable with each other?… Can I go to socials with him or her?

c. Dutifulness and Responsibility Cluster: Can he take care of me and the children? Will she take care of me? Does he have a job? Is he responsible? Is he using me? How well does he handle money? Can I trust him? Does he care about me?

These are pertinent questions. If you don’t ask them you will meet the answers in marriage.

Friendship and romance is personality based. Personality matters. Sensuality and sexuality is culture based. Cultural alignment matters. Dutifulness and responsibility is character based. Character matters. Don’t use wrong parameters for marital choices, and don’t abdicate responsibility for marital choice to a spiritual authority. She’s a wonderful church worker… He’s a good usher… She’s in children’s church… She can sing! These are not marriage qualifications, they’re church volunteer qualifications. You can’t abdicate responsibility for marital choice to your pastor. How can your pastor know you more than you know you? How can he know the secret longings of your heart, your fantasies?

That’s not saying don’t ask for advice from your pastor but don’t put the responsibility of choice on him. Take responsibility. There’s not one instance of marriage divination in the New Testament. None in the Old Testament either.

We hope you all enjoyed the read for the past 3 Tuesdays. It's been really insightful for me and I hope it was for you. Thanks a lot for stopping  by and we shall see you next week by God's grace.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown