THE LIST 2

A list is a great way to put your thoughts together and to ensure that you have taken note of the important things to you as a person. As such, having a list of things that you desire in a future spouse is not a bad thing. However, it is important to consider the reality that you may not find someone with all the attributes in your list because as we said in the previous post - NOBODY IS PERFECT. So what then happens to your list? Does it mean you have to put it aside and lower your expectations? NO! Your list is still valid,  even though some analysis and re-ordering might be necessary in order to avoid waiting forever for ‘the one’. 

The first thing is to consider the components of your list. There is usually a high tendency for people to lay emphasis  on physical and material things over and above other things because that is what they see first. If your list consists of primarily physical and material things, you might need to take a step back and think about more important things like character. The reason for this is that - physical and material things are temporary  (i.e. do not last long) and it is not impossible to be miserable even with a spouse that has all the physical and material things you desire. 

Another thing to consider is dividing your list into two sections: ‘non-negotiables’ and ‘negotiables’. This will help put things into perspective and define your priorities.  

‘Non-negotiables’ as the name implies are attributes that you cannot overlook. They are core aspects of a person’s character, personality, and behavior that are deal-breakers i.e. if the person doesn’t tick those boxes, you will have to say bye-bye. This section should comprise of things that are at the core of who the person is. A great example for Christians is the biblical instruction to not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. This means that for a Christian, a prospective spouse’s beliefs should be non-negotiable. 

Other things that fall under this category are: values, mindset, character, maturity, and so on. The reason why they are non-negotiable is because they can significantly impact your life. For instance, someone who is materialistic and believes life is all about money will easily put their greed above the needs of their spouse which will negatively impact such person’s spouse. 

‘Negotiables’ on the other hand are areas which though relevant, you are willing to bend on. These comprise mostly of physical things and relatively trivial things which will not matter in the long run and have no bearing on who the person is. The most common examples are physical attributes and material possessions. There’s nothing wrong with wanting someone who drives the latest car, has an hour glass figure, or is from the same tribe as you but we must not allow the absence of such attribute put us off a prospective spouse especially if the person ticks the boxes under the non-negotiables section.

There is the need to ask yourself why that attribute is so important and what impact it will have on your future in the long run. Again there’s nothing wrong with desiring certain physical attributes and material possessions but if you allow them have greater or equal weight with the core things like character, there is the risk of making a wrong decision or turning away some really great people. 

Also consider that some things can change/ be changed. For instance, someone with a bad fashion sense can learn how to dress better while someone who drives the latest car today may not do so tomorrow. The transient nature of such things shows that major decisions should not be hinged on them. We must not allow ‘packaging’ lead us astray.

Ultimately, as a Christian, it is important to be led by the spirit of God and not just your desires in making a decision about a future spouse. In addition, you should ensure that the kind of person embodied in your list would want to be with someone like you especially in the non-negotiable areas. If you want someone prayerful or diligent, ask yourself if you exhibit such skill. If you do not, what steps are you taking to ensure that you develop in that area you’re lacking? Chances are that someone who is prayerful would also want a prayerful spouse.  

Thanks a lot for stopping by. We hope to see you here again. Please drop your comments if you have any.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown 

THE LIST

Fantasies are bound to happen, plans for life are expected to be in place, bucketlist are also expected to be available but a not too recent trend are the qualities and what to expect from a MAN. Nothing is wrong with having a list of expectations of the preferred man that a lady would love to spend the rest of her life with. If we do not think it  through and pen it down, how then are we expected to remember or know what to look out for in a man. The List can be endless from TDH (Tall, Dark and Handsome) to working in an "oyel" company, to having a ride, having an apartment of his own etc..... 

Becca had a list of what she expected and wanted in a guy. As a focused and determined lady, she never compromised on this list especially the major ones. She had a picture of a perfect home with a perfect man and everything being blissful. She wanted a ready made, plug and play bespoke kind of man. A lot of men had actually walked up to her, some with the best of intentions and others to waste her time, because of how beautiful and smart she is. They all never ticked all the boxes on her list and she never hesitated in letting them go. According to her, "it is possible to get a man that is all round perfect.

She decided to attend a younger cousin's wedding where the chairman of the occasion offered an advice to the single ladies there - "There is always the right man for every woman and vice versa but never look out for the perfect because God does not work with the perfect, He uses the imperfect to perfect all things. There is no perfect man or woman out there but you can make everything perfect. You can make an imperfect man or woman into being your perfect man or woman. It is good to have a list but be careful not to lose the right man or woman for you because he or she does not tick all the boxes on your list."

The above speech hit Becca "below the belt" and she is questioning her principles and list. Is it wrong to have a wish list for the kind of man one wants? Should this list be the all in all or should it be one that is flexible?

We would like to know your thoughts on this so please do drop your comments.

OneLove

SomzyBrown.

WHY MEN DON'T LIKE TO SAY IT FIRST. 3

"Ope, I am not begging you to remain with me if you've made up your mind not to. I just want to live my life with a clear conscience. Have I wronged you? Can you at least talk to me? What's going on with you? Please talk to me?". 

"Temi, you haven't done anything wrong. I just don't think I am capable of being a good boyfriend to you. I have a lot going on and I don't want to bring you into all of my mess." 

"Your mess? I don't understand! What mess? What's going on? You really need to speak to me. I have stayed with you this long and right now you think whatever you are going through is sufficient to make me leave you?" 

"Don't worry about it Temiloluwa. I will be alright.

This conversation did not go as Temi thought it would. She could not believe her ears and she was tired of pushing him to talk. To her this was an indirect way of Ope saying 'my heart has left you'. This was really sad for her. She had given her all to him and made a lot of sacrifices for him. Is this what she deserves? Well, at different times she wanted to have another chat with Ope but she knew the outcome would be the same. So one day, after crying and thinking it through, she sent a message to him:

"Thanks for being my boyfriend. I guess this is the time where I say goodbye and I wish you all the best."

That was it for Temi and Ope. Ope knew he did not want the relationship anymore but he could not say it to Temi. Rather, he stopped talking to her and changed his behaviour towards her without saying what she had done wrong. But why couldn't he tell her that he was tired of the relationship and just break up with her? 

This happens a lot of times and it leaves ladies wondering why men can not MAN UP to say that they are really done when they are. Indirectly saying it with their actions frustrates ladies because they really cannot place what they might have done wrong or what the issue is.

This issue has come up a few times and I had to speak to some guys about it. One of the guys said "As guys, we have the feeling that ladies like to have bragging rights that they were the ones who broke up and so we try to give them that privilege." Another guy said "when a man notices something that he is not comfortable with about his girlfriend, he tends to withdraw. He refuses to say anything about it because he does not want to hurt her."

It is sad that some people in a bid not to hurt their girlfriends,  keep shut and allow the girl give up. This particular act hurts the lady more than having to break up with her. There has to be a better way to handle this guys. While you shouldn't hurt her with your words, you shouldn't also leave her hanging cos she deserves much more.

Thank you so much for stopping by. We appreciate your constant support.

OneLove

SomzyBrown 

WHY MEN DON'T LIKE TO SAY IT FIRST 2

"Ope, what exactly is happening to and with us? Why do you all of a sudden choose to treat me like I mean nothing to you?" 

"I am not treating you anyhow Temiloluwa. You mean so much to me and you remain my priority" he responded.

 This looked like a joke to Ope and Temi was not ready for all that. "Ope, you do not seem to understand or care about what I am saying. You have changed your attitude towards me and I do not understand why?" "How do you mean, Temi? I have not changed towards you and I do not know what you are talking about."

Temi was shocked that the caring Ope she knew no longer cared about how she felt. She could not fathom his behavioural change. How g ould someone who claimed to love her and who had promised to get married to her all of a sudden change his mind. Well he had not outrightly said that he was not interested in her anymore but his action spoke volumes. Temiloluwa tried to ponder on what she could have done to him but nothing was coming to her mind. To the best of her knowledge, she had treated him right in every way. She thought about it deeply and she could not think of anything else but the suspicion that Ope had found someone else. 

She was not entirely sure about this but she just believed that that could be the only reason Ope would treat her the way he did. He gradually stopped calling her and whenever she called him, he either promised to call her back and never did or refused to pick up. This went on for months and Temi had began to get extremely frustrated. She tried to speak about it to someone but she was so ashamed of herself. She had closed the door on all her friends because of Opeyemi. Who was going to listen to her without mocking her? Who would console her? 

Temiloluwa decided to have another chat with Ope and this time around, she was ready to really express herself. "Ope, I understand that people fall out of love and lose interest in who they once claimed to love. While this would really hurt if it's true, I'ld rather you let me know than  for you to keep treating me like I am non-existent in your life. It is okay to say that you are no longer interested in this relationship. You don't have to keep me in it if you are out of it already." She said all of these but the only thing Ope could say was "Okay, I've heard you." 

This statement hurt Temi so much. Had she done that badly, why would her own Ope choose to treat her like trash. The change was drastic, unexpected and unexplainable. Ope had told everyone of his intent to get married to her and now he was beginning to gradually walk uuaway without an explanation. Days went into weeks and weeks into months and Ope had still refused to see, talk or chat with Temi. 

It was very obvious that Ope did not want the relationship anymore but Temi was in denial. "Maybe he is going through something that is making him behave this way. Maybe he just needs me to be understanding and patient with him. Maybe..., Maybe...." As a result of all the maybessss, Temi decided to have a last physical discussion with Ope. She had promised herself that it would be the last one. But was it???

To be continued...

Thank you so much for stopping by, we hope to see you next week.