I LOST INTEREST IN WHAT WE HAD!

A friend of mine once said “It is bad to force someone to remain in a relationship with you when you know that the person has lost interest”. This is true because whatever is done out of force is not genuine if we are to be sincere with ourselves. The truth is that you cannot get the best out of someone when he or she is forced to do something. If you force someone to remain in a relationship with you (or get into a relationship with you) when it is evident that such person has lost interest, then you will most probably get the worst from that person.

Let me share a story with you:

I know of a lady (in fact more than one) who is in a ‘relationship’ but the unfortunate thing is that she is not in a relationship with someone who loves or has regard for her. How do I know this? The guy shows no sign that he loves or cares about her by the way he treats her and then the question that comes to mind is “did he really ask her to be in a relationship with him? And if he did, what then changed?”. This guy maltreats her and like I said earlier, he has little or no regard for her. From his actions,  one or two things could be implied. It is possible that the lady likes him more than he likes her or he actually did not ask her out and was forced to be in that relationship.

Do people find themselves in such situations? Yes! But should they remain in a relationship that yields no fruit of love? No! From this story, he has lost interest, so what else are you looking for? He does not regard you and he maltreats you. Do you think this is going to change by you remaining there and washing his feet? No! We need to be wise about things like this. If a guy or lady has no interest in the relationship and it is glaring that things cannot work out, please never force him or her to remain. Because if you do, the outcome will not be something enjoyable. It is possible that he or she needs space and you need to give him or her that space. 

You have your self-worth, you need your self-worth please.

Haven said all that, this is a different ball game when you are married! Yes, it is. Before you got married it is believed that you had taken your time to think it through and therefore made the decision to get married to that person. I am not trying to say that people do not change but this is a life commitment and you need to be careful of how you handle it. However, I do not think you would have gotten married to someone that you do not love or that does not love you in the first place.

Another important thing is  - Forgiveness!

Many times people wrong us, offend us, betray our trust... and will there be a time that people will stop getting us offended? No! But even when we are wronged or offended (i.e. based on the fact that he or she broke up with you or left you without a valid reason) you must be willing to let go.   It could be really difficult to do this especially when you feel that you have invested so much into the relationship but then you keep hurting yourself by failing to forgive your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend for whatever wrong that he or she has done to you. What works for me is that regardless of how hurt I feel about what someone has done to me, I try to help that person see reasons for why he acted in the way he did. This might not work for you but you definitely need to find something that works. This is because you cannot keep holding on to an offense, as much as possible, you should be without offence and avoid any headache.

When you fail to forgive, you hurt yourself more. This is true because sometimes the person that has wronged you has moved on in life but you are still there getting upset. I fully understand that it is not very easy to let go, but you really need to work hard at this. One way to easily forgive is to pray for the people who have wronged you. This might not sound right to you but it definitely works.

Thank you so much for stopping by and we hope to see you next week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

I DID IT COS I HAD TO...

So based on the different comments that people sent to me about the “he put a ring on it” story, we have some things to discuss.

The first thing is Desperation. There is a lot of pressure being put on people lately and it is really sad. It is easy to say that it is these ‘pressured’ people that are allowing the pressure but I tell you, it is not easy. In as much as they might not want to feel the pressure, the moment a million people keep saying the same thing to you, you are programmed to think about it regardless of whether you want to or not.

But then should desperation or pressure lead you to marry just anybody or say yes to just anybody? No! I am sure you were expecting that answer. It should not. You have your self-worth whether you believe it or not and it does not matter that you are fat, thing, ugly, beautiful, disabled etc. none of this is and should be a factor to make you desperate to get married. Marriage is good and enjoyable but please do not get into a relationship or accept a proposal because you feel it’s the only or last opportunity that you will ever have.

You have your self-worth whether you believe it or not and it does not matter that you are fat, thing, ugly, beautiful, disabled etc...

In this story, it could be said that Bunmi was desperate to get married. She had insecurity issues and so a man proposing marriage to her, took that insecurity away. At last, someone saw her as ‘marriable’ and this was exciting for her. Although Tunde had not expressly told her that he wanted to marry her, neither had he given her a ring to show for it, he obviously loved and cared about her. However, this was not sufficient for Bunmi. Having said that, this has nothing to do with the length of time that people court for. We talked about time because she had barely left a relationship and then gbam! She's getting married. I know of a couple who courted for 3 months and got married afterwards. Guess what? They are still doing very well till today. It is more about the reason for accepting a proposal than the length of time it takes to get engaged and get married.

Desperation could lead you to making a costly mistake and this is why you need to check your reasons for saying or deciding to say yes to anybody. If any decision is to be made in haste or made out of self-pity or made out of the discouraging words of relatives and friends, it is definitely not the decision of marriage. Yes, you heard that! Do not be in a haste to make the decision to get married to someone. The people who push you will not be there to help you in your marriage and as such this should make you extremely careful. The truth is that you do not want to get married and then start blaming yourself and killing yourself for having made such decision (i.e. getting married to someone that you do not even know well).

How do we deal with this? patience! Patience! Take a deep breath and do not rush. You are over 30? You are in your early 40’s ? Yes, please be patient and develop yourself. Which is better? To be with the person that will love and take good care of you though he comes late or to get married in a haste to someone who cares no bit about you. Also let me just drop this here: Please never force yourself on a guy or on a lady! And this leads to our next discussion …stay with us and see you next week.

Thank you so much for stopping by, we truly appreciate you.

OneLove,
Somzybrown

HE PUT A RING ON IT! 2

Despite all attempts by Tunde to make Bunmi stay with him, she decided to leave him. In other words, she broke up with him. It was so hard for Tunde to cope with this. He was so pained, hurt and could not come to terms with the fact that he had been left alone. Bunmi felt really bad that she had to do this to one of the coolest and nicest guys that she had met but then she moved on quickly. Remember that she had been in 10 relationships already? Breaking up was not new, she only felt bad because Tunde was a good guy.

Tunde was still trying to get over Bunmi, it was difficult but he was getting there gradually. Something then happened - while on instagram one day, he saw a picture of a lady who looked like Bunmi and another guy. This picture was quite funny and he could not believe his eyes. He called another friend of his to try help him see who the lady in the picture was and of course it was his dear Bunmi. She had just gotten proposed to and the guy had put a ring on her finger. Whao! How could this have happened in less than 5 months?

Tunde had many questions in his heart. “Is it that she was double-dating while she was with me? Or had she been a relationship with the guy before? When did they both meet, become friends, get into a relationship and then…?” All the answers to his questions were no where to be found. Bunmi’s insecurities had to do with the fact that she was not ‘marriable’ or she felt she was not marriable. Someone broke that by asking for her hand in marriage and it did not matter to her whether herself and the guy were good together.

But really, is that good enough? What do we think?  I really want to hear opinions on this.

I do not like to judge, in fact I have no right to judge any one and so I cannot (to be honest no one is permitted to judge anyone). However, I am forced to think really deep about what could have happened. But what will my thoughts do? My thoughts cannot change what has happened. Anyway now that the guy has put a ring on it and yes they are getting married soon, what can be done? While trying to analyse this whole matter, my friend said to me – “What do ladies like about rings?” Although I had no answer to this question, I was not shocked because some other guys have asked me the same question. Now to my fellow ladies, what do we like about rings?

My friend jokingly made a statement, well maybe he actually meant it – “since it is about this ring matter, the next girl I meet or ask out will get a ring immediately. At least the ring would make her stay”. Although he was in so much pain saying this, he got me laughing but of course I had to laugh in my heart. Is it all ladies that would jump into a relationship or remain in one because the guy has given them a ring?  Personally if anyone tries that with me, he has failed because I am not really about the rings. What about you? I mean I love rings but rings with nothing attached to it and so if you give me a ring because you just want me to remain with you, hmmmm...

It is no news that now a days, many ladies are ‘really moved’ by the fact that he is or he has plans to propose and not about the most important things. Ring does not equal commitment, neither does it equal love. Rings and proposals are good, don’t get me wrong but they are good if they are done for the right reasons. That he gives you a ring does not mean that he loves you! The fact that he gives you a ring does not mean that he would be committed to you.

In those days when and if a ring was given, you were sure that the two people involved were sincere and wanted to get married for the right reasons. It is therefore sad that these days, ladies even force a guy to give them a ring. They threaten to leave the relationship if he does not give them a ring. Mehn! With this ring issue, we have to be very careful. Guys seem to feel that this a weak point for many ladies and they are capitalising big time on this.

We definitely have some issues to talk about and so we hope to see you again next week. But before then, please drop your comments and advices for Tunde and some 'Bunmi's' out there. Thank you so much for stopping by.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

HE PUT A RING ON IT!

Tunde and Bunmi began their relationship on the 4^th of September 2015. They really loved each other and were excited to be in each other’s arms. Their relationship was very interesting as they shared almost everything together. Bunmi had an idea that Tunde really loved her and she was really excited. Bunmi had been through somethings which she referred to as ‘bad experiences’ and she just was not in the mood to go through that again. However Tunde looked too good to do any of such to her.

“Tunde is a lovely and sweet person” Bunmi said. “He is actually the sweetest guy I have ever met. He is cool and calm. He is handsome and very smart. Oh my gosh! His wisdom is not even of this world. He is as gentle as a dove and very caring” she continued. Tunde was all these to her and many more and she was happy about making the decision to be with him. They grew close in no time and their relationship felt like heaven on earth.

Painfully, in less than a year the butterflies began to disappear and this was about Bunmi. She started acting up and Tunde could not understand what was going on. She had been through somethings which made her feel insecure and this was the same reason why she had been in 10 relationships. She has found it really difficult to trust any guy because according to her “they are all the same”. She could sense that Tunde was quite different from the 9 others but she had her fears. She had a desire to get married (at least someday) but how was this going to happen with all these insecurities? Only God has an answer to this.

Although Bunmi was not double-dating, she was beginning to have a second thought about their relationship. She remained a dutiful girlfriend but had other plans which Tunde had no clue about. There were other guys who had shown interest in her while she was in a relationship with Tunde and although she turned them down, she did not hesitate to keep them as friends. Common! Bunmi was and still is a beautiful lady with all them figure-eight right in your eyes. She was and is a very attractive lady even though encumbered with a lot of insecurities.

She soon got ‘extremely’ tired of the relationship and just wanted to end it already. She really had no genuine reason but she just felt that it was not going to work out between them. She felt Tunde was too nice and would leave her for someone else. But how does someone get to such conclusion? Only Bunmi has an answer to that to be honest. What had happened to all the nice and lovely comments about how unique and different Tunde is?

Tunde was not willing to let go of her and he really wanted to know what he could do to make the relationship enjoyable for both of them. She finally decided to say “I don’t feel loved, Tunde”. This was obviously a lie because everyone including Bunmi knew that Tunde loved Bunmi with the whole of his heart. This was evident in his actions and reactions towards her.

Tunde asked her for what she wanted or what he could do to show how much he loved her. Bunmi who knew that this was not a sincere reason for wanting to break up with Tunde told him that there was nothing he could do to make her feel the love she wanted to feel.

Bunmi was not a perfect girl but she was cool. He had put in a lot into their relationship and was not willing to let go so quickly or even at all. Tunde was tired of being in different relationships and so he looked forward to having this one be his last relationship. Bunmi was ‘too stubborn’ for him but he was willing to learn how to understand why and how to handle her ‘stubbornness’. Tunde made promises upon promises and gave Bunmi plenty assurances that he was never going to break her heart.

Thanks for stopping by always, please stay with us and we shall be back next week.

OneLove,
SomzyBrown.

Marriage is Sweet When You're with the Right Person 2

So last week, we started with a conversation which I had with Dr. Olubanke Doherty (nee Asaju), but we could not finish up because it was going to be too long to read. So we decided to split it into two parts and here is the second part to the interview/conversation. Oh by the way, it was their wedding anniversary on the 30th of September and 1st of October so please show some love. Congratulations to the Dr. Odun and Dr. Banke Doherty! God will continue to keep your home. Peace, love, unity, understanding will never cease from your home in Jesus name.

“The truth about my husband and I is that we never run out of gist and we never get tired of talking to each other” she continued. “He is my best friend”.  Now I hope you have gotten your paper and biros; your tabs or your phones because as this discussion was going on, I was surely taking down some notes in my head and on my phone and that is how you are able to read this (smiles).    I remember an elderly woman saying that your spouse should be your best friend and rather than looking outside for someone to gist with, you should look inside to gist with your spouse. I have heard many people in relationships or marriages, refer to other people (leaving out their spouse) as their best friend. But really what do we think about this? Especially where the best friend is of the same gender as your spouse?  

I personally think and believe that making your spouse your best friend is key because this makes it impossible to run out of what to talk about. If you will agree with me, there is always something to talk about and if your spouse is your best friend after God, then you will find out that you guys are always talking.

As a married person, the worst thing you can do to yourself is keep malice with your spouse or fail to settle your discords before the day runs out. This would lead to a lot of piling up and remember that “it is easier to clean where there are little dirts but when there is a heap, it becomes more difficult” (quote by me). Banke in line with this made this powerful statement “we have never quarreled or kept malice with each other. We argue occasionally but we are quick to say ‘sorry’ to each other”. The effect of ‘sorry’ is a powerful one you know, if you are not good at saying this then you need to go learn how to because it can save you from a lot in life, not just in marriage. In marriage, there will always be one issue or the other or one misunderstanding or the other but you should not allow things pile up. One person (the more mature one) has to be a 'fool' by seeking to settle any dispute or issue.

Another important thing that Banke had to say about her marriage with the love of her life is this fact - “We do not keep secrets”. This is very recommendable for married couples to be honest. The moment you start keeping secrets, the issue of distrust begins to play in and before you know it, it has gone too far to be resolved. It might not be convenient to tell your spouse everything, but this is definitely something you need to consciously work on.

Finally, Dr. Banke in her final speech on the success of her marriage so far said “Most importantly, we are prayer partners, we pray and confess God’s word together everyday”. My expression to this was “whao! I love this!!!!”. God is the one that keeps a home but He does it through the individuals involved by directing them and telling them what to do per time. Remember that one will chase a thousand and two ten thousand, there is a multiple effect when two people do something. Praying together and studying God’s word is definitely key in a marriage as you are able to overcome so much in a little time compared to when you pray alone.

We hope you have enjoyed our conversation with Dr. Banke, please stay with us and we hope to see you here next week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown