WORDS MEAN A LOT TO ME!

I have received a lot of comments about this particular love language and it gives me the opinion that there are a lot of people whose primary love language is words of affirmation. What does it mean for your primary love language to be words of affirmation? In my opinion, it means that words matter to you a whole lot more than anything else. In other words, your love tank would be full when your spouse says lovely words to you, encourages you in down times, cheers you up when you're winning, sends you a message or note during the day just to appreciate your wonderful self, puts up nice words on social media to express their love towards you etc. 

Words of Affirmation could be likened to compliments given to a person. According to Gary Chapman, words of Affirmation are "verbal compliments or words of appreciation..." Saying words like "You look beautiful in that dress" or "You're so beautiful my darling wife" could make a woman's love tank go up. Also words like "I am proud of the man that you are" or "You're so responsible..." could make a man's love tank sky rocket. When your spouse does something good, s/he deserves a compliment from you and this would mean a lot especially if this is your spouse's primary love language.  It's not enough to say it in your mind (many of us are guilty of this), say it to him or her cos that's what really counts.

Another part of Words of Affirmation is dishing out encouraging words to your spouse especially in areas that you know s/he feels insecure. Sometimes it is easy to get carried away by focusing only on what's important to you, forgetting that your spouse might be failing (or may feel like s/he is failing) at what is important to him/her. Encouraging words at such times would definitely lift the spirit of your spouse up. For example, if your husband has been out of a job for a while and he has been making efforts to get one but all to no avail, he would appreciate if you encourage him. You might think he needs to do something better but maybe your advice can come after much encouragement.

How do I know if words of affirmation is important to me or my main love language? Good question and I think I have the right answer for you. Firstly, you can know by analysing the importance or unimportance of words to you and Secondly by taking part in this Quiz

Can I just say that there is a mistake that many of us make - and that is treating our spouse the way we love to be treated. If you share the same love language with your spouse, then this is fine. But remember that this exercise is about getting to know your love language as well as that of your spouse so that you know how you prefer to be loved and how your spouse prefers to be loved. This is a call for everyone to pay attention to what is important to your spouse and be there to encourage him or her with the right words.

Thank you so much for stopping by, sharing, and commenting. We appreciate you and we hope that your love life gets better by the day. 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

IS 'TOUCHES' A THING?

I'm sure you're wondering what this is about but not to worry, there's nothing to be scared about. We are beginning the discussion on the different 5 love languages developed by Gary Chapman and which we introduced last week.

As we established last week, different people have different love languages and even though some people may like the 5, they certainly have priorities or preferences. What this means is that they would prefer that you show them love in some way(s) better than in other ways.

Today we are taking the first love language (please note that the order of preference was chosen by me so don't be surprised if when reading the book, you realize that I mixed them up). From the title of today's episode, I am almost certain that you can guess our first love language. However, if you can't, it is...

PHYSICAL TOUCH.

How many of us would prefer our partners to touch us either in secret or in public than for them to get a gift, perform an act for you, say nice words to you, or spend time with you? If this is of major importance to you, it means that your primary love language is Physical Touch. But just in case you haven't taken part in the quiz, please do that NOW

This would help you have an idea of what your primary love language(s) is. Also if you've taken this quiz in the past, it might be good to take it again to help refresh your memory. Taking the test with your spouse or sharing the result with your spouse is highly adviceable because they need to know how best to love you.

Sex alone? No way! Physical touch doesn't have to do with sex alone, it involves hugs, cuddling, pecks, kisses etc. As little as holding hands in public might seem, this would mean a lot for a spouse whose primary love language is physical touch. Hugging and/or kissing your spouse before they go out could bring them home sooner than you expect and could make their hearts filled with thoughts of you through out the day. Playing with your spouse's hair, face, are also ways to express love if his/her primary love language is physical touch.

Physical touch is a powerful love communicator and Gary Chapman says when your spouse (whose primary love language is physical touch) goes through a crisis, nothing is more important than touching or holding as s/he cries or expresses sadness. During such time, s/he might not need you to say anything because your words at that time may mean little but s/he would expect that you touch or hold them and they will appreciate you for this. The author also says that "your tender touches will be remembered long after the crisis has passed but your failure to touch may never be forgotten".

Having discovered that your spouse's primary love language is physical touch, Gary Chapman gives the following recommendation:

1. Hold his/her hands as you walk to the mall or from the mall.

2. While eating together, let your knee or foot drift over and touch your spouse.

3. Tell your spouse how much you love them and gradually give them a hug or a peck. This does not have to lead to the bedroom. Smiles.

4. Initiate a shoulder massage while your spouse is seated. Continue this for about 5 minutes unless your spouse tells you to stop.

5. If you sit together in Church, hold hands while a prayer is being said. 

6. Give your spouse a foot massage and continue to other parts of your spouse's body as long as it is pleasurable to your spouse.

7. Run the water in the Jacuzzi but if you don't have one, you can call for a bath and have one with your spouse.

8. While you drive, you can touch certain parts of your spouse's body.

9. Touch your spouse in the presence of visiting friends and relatives. It could be a hug, putting your arm around his/her shoulder. It just shows that despite the people around, you still see him/her.

10. When your spouse gets home, meet him or her at the door, outside, garage, street and give him/her a big hug.

Please note that a person's primary love language could change due to the different seasons in a person's life. You cannot rely on what you knew 2, 5, 10, 20 years ago. Update yourself and your spouse on your primary love language. 

I like the illustration in the picture below:

Thanks a lot for stopping by. We shall continue next week by God's grace.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

HOW CAN I LOVE HIM BETTER?

Bimpe: Sayo what's up with you? How is everything going? It's been a while o.

Sayo: Babe, I just dey like 'Dele' o. Everything is okay, we thank God. What's up with you?

Bimpe: I am good too darling. How far with that your fine bobo na? Hope you guys are still cool.

Sayo: My sister, e be things o! There's no bobo again joor. The guy broke up with me...

Bimpe: Oh whao! I'm so sorry to hear that. But why though? You both seemed really cool.

Sayo: To be honest, I still don't understand. I loved this guy with my heart and made up my mind to be the best I could which I actually did but he kept complaining that he wasn't feeling loved. There's nothing I did not do for this guy. Despite my busy schedule, I'll visit him weekly, help clean his house, cook for him etc. But what can I say? He said my love wasn't enough...

Bimpe: Whao! But wait o, why would you even clean and cook when you guys are not married. Anyway that's not the issue. I guess he would have preferred you to show love to him in another way. Did you ask him what he really wanted? It is well. Don't worry, the right guy would show up soon.

*******************************************

Are you currently having issues in your relationship or marriage? Or have you had issues in the past that you just couldn't get your head around? It is possible that you have been feeding your spouse with the wrong food or speaking the wrong love language to him or her. I listened to a couple recently and I liked what one of them said about love languages. She said "If you're speaking french to someone who only understands German, there will be issues". Many of the issues that we undergo in our relationships could be as a result of failing to speak the language that our spouse understands. 

There are 5 love languages in the book FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES by Gary Chapman - Words of Affirmation; Quality Time; Acts of Service; Physical Touch; Gifts. We'll take these languages one after the other and I really hope that it is useful to some of us. 

SomzyBrown loves to see relationships and marriages work and that's why she shares content in this regard. Having said that, SomzyBrown would like to plead with you to discover the love language(s) - (it could be more than one) and speak this language to your spouse. You can also ask your spouse how he or she would want to be loved. Don't assume that buying gifts or helping out with the chores or touching sensitive parts of his/her body is what would make him/her feel loved. In this journey, YOU CANNOT AFFORD TO ASSUME.

There's a quiz that I'll encourage you to take part in, the this would help you discover your love language and possibly that of your spouse:Click here:  

Thank you so much for stopping by, see you next week by God's grace.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

HOW DO I SPOT RED FLAGS? 3

 

It's so good to have you here, yes YOU! Thank you for always checking out our blog, we appreciate you. We're still talking about the importance of spotting red flags and why sometimes, you might need to break off that relationship especially if the person in question is unwilling to change so please stay tuned till the end. Thank you.

8. They are still in touch or holding on to stuff from their ex; they still hold on to the messages and emails in the inbox and still entertain these thoughts and feelings like its a memorial. There needs to be a conversation between you both about this. Something hasn’t been dealt with in his/her  past, and that isn’t healthy for your relationship or marital life.

9. They have a warped view about God, the bible and the church: I know of someone who dated a guy who joked about the church and the Holy Spirit which was very important to her. They had opposite doctrines which affected their relationship, and she was quick to decide what she wanted and now they are no longer together. Friends, you are not a missionary and the marriage isn’t a mission field, be careful. People like that always make fun of men of God, infact church is always boring to them. Heads up! 

And If you are already married to them, love them and continue to show them the love of God, through your character. This might not be very easy but God will give you the strength needed.

So what do I do after spotting these signals? 

1. Be Stuck with YOU: Get stuck with that wo/man in the mirror, instead of looking at the other person in the relationship, after all its your life.

2. Stop blaming the other person just like we blame Delilah. Ask yourself, could there be some sort of issue I have that makes me attracted to this person? Or could it be that their red flag(s) is connected to yours?

3. Address the mess: When you have discovered that there is smoke, please don’t wait for the fire. Deal with it and don’t pretend that everything is fine or that there is no problem. Something is wrong and it must be fixed!

4. Get rooted in God and His house:  Be faithful in God's house, get committed, develop consistency in serving God.

5. Get wisdom from God's word, godly mentors, get someone who is a little older than you, get godly wisdom from them, read books and develop yourself.

6. Set boundaries so as to avoid the same mistakes in your next relationship and for the person you are currently in a relationship with.

7. Start serving: Help people, volunteer, get involved, be generous

In all Pray! Pray! Pray! There lies your sensitivity!

Mosope Benson

Thank  so much for walking through this topic with us for the past few weeks. I hope that you have in one way or the other, learnt how to spot red flags and what steps to take after you have spotted these red flags. It is my prayer that God would help you and open your eyes to see all that you need to see so that you do not get into the wrong relationships and when you find yourself in one, you will be able to put an end to it.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.