WE WERE SO IN LOVE...2

The act of Folarin scolding and shouting at me did not happen once or twice. I really wanted to know what was going on with him because I cared about him so much. I mean this was someone I had spent a good part of my life loving so I definitely was concerned about him, and us (i.e. our relationship). All I wanted to know was where we were headed in our relationship but then it seemed like that was the worst question to ask. Although I was scared that he was going to leave me, at this time, I really cared about his own problems and just wanted to be sure that he was fine. 

Unknown to me at the time, he was going through a lot and so my question apparently made things worse for him. I guess he did not mean to be harsh to me because I had known him for too long and he had never spoken to me in such manner. I know it is said that people change but this change was a drastic one and so I concluded that it was an error and not really his intention. I kept trying to reach out to my ‘lover-boy-Folarin’. 

Surprisingly, Folarin did not want to pick up my calls or respond to my texts. He refused to talk to me for days and I sincerely felt he was just acting up. This continued and even got worse. He did not ask us to break up or anything, he just refused to speak to me, reply my messages and so on. It appeared to be a joke at first and my thought was that he was just being childish. This went on for weeks, months and I tried and tried but nothing good seemed to be coming forth.

One day, I decided to pay Folarin a visit in his house. He had told me not to come to their house without prior notice and I perfectly understood. Personally I do not like people coming to my house without having first informed me. I always like to be aware of who is coming to see me and when. More so, I live with my parents so prior knowledge of visitors is key. This made it easy for me to understand Folarin on this matter. However, this time around, I had no choice but to go unannounced.  He was not picking my calls or replying my messages so there was practically no way to inform him of my intended visit. I also needed to know what exactly was going on with us so I took the risk.

I got to his house and thank God, he was around. I did not realise how much I had missed him until I saw his face. “Folarin, what’s been happening? Why are you treating me like this? What have I done wrong? What have I done to deserve this?”. Silence was the only answer I got from Folarin and this broke my heart the more. The moment I tried to know why he was not saying anything, he asked me to leave and when I did not, he threw me out of his house.

Do people just suddenly change? How do you spend a long time professing love to someone and at the slightest trouble become really hostile to the person you claimed to love? I had a lot of questions but the answers were certainly not going to come from Folarin. 

To cut the long story short. It has been 2 years since this happened and I still do not understand how we went from 100% to 0% within the twinkling of an eye. I do not hate Folarin but I was definitely angry at him and very much bitter towards him because he could at least have said something. Although it took a while to forgive him, I finally gathered the courage and strength to forgive him. It’s been very hard moving on but one thing I can boldly tell you is that I am finally getting there.

I learnt a lot during the period that Folarin’s misbehavior started. I was bitter and hurt but I learnt not to hate him. Every time the temptation or opportunity came for me to speak badly about Folarin, I (though very difficult) refrained from it.

Thank you so much for stopping by. 

Please kindly look forward to next week because we need to address a particular issue that is highly important. 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

WE WERE SO IN LOVE ...

My relationship with Folarin started 6 years ago. Oh my goodness! He was actually the best thing that had happened to me. We were friends for about 2 years and so altogether we spent 8 years with each other. Things were pretty cool between us and we were so excited about our relationship that our excitement even made other people happy. Folarin was (and still is) very cool headed, he is lovely, sweet and kind-hearted. Oh my goodness, he is such a gentle man and sometimes he over does it. Although he had told me several times that I am very kind-hearted and sweet, I could not compare myself to him because he is just the definition of a perfect man (at least in my opinion).

Although he had not done the nowadays getting on his knees with a ring to ask me to marry him (you understand all those things that happen now yeah?), we both had an understanding that we were going to get married. He had told me times without number of how different I was and how that he saw me as his wife. I really did not understand why he said this but then he did say it a lot of times and I believed him. Sometimes I wondered if he said the same thing to other ladies (you know men and their sweet mouth) but then I came to a conclusion in my heart that he really cherished me and wanted me to be in his life forever.

I loved Folarin so much and he obviously loved me as well. We prayed and fasted together and our relationship was in no doubt, one made in heaven. He encouraged me whenever I was going through a hard time and I loved him for this and many more. Sometimes he would say to me “Ololufe mi, I love you so much and I want to love you forever”. This definitely made  me happy and there was certainly no reason to doubt his love for me.

Folarin had met my parents a few times and had taken the bold step to tell my father that he really loved me when my dad asked about what was between us. I had met Folarin’s parents and they loved me, especially his mum. He had complained about how strict and firm his mum was but the love I got from her was definitely a sign that she was willing to ‘soon’ accept me as her daughter-in-law.

We were not getting any younger and although we had met each other’s parents and knew what we wanted, nothing more was happening. I knew Folarin loved me so much and wanted to get married to me but he was not really saying it. His actions and expressions were signs that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me but then if he was not saying it with his mouth, was it right for me to infer and assume? I did not want to be forward but I also wanted to be sure that we were on the same page and so I decided to bring it up.

Bringing up this issue is one that I will forever regret. The reaction I got from Folarin is one that made me question the love we shared and especially the love and kindness he had shown to me. He scolded and shouted at me in a way that no one had ever done before. “What did I say or do wrong?” “Was I too forward?” “Was it wrong for me to ask a question that determined a lot about our lives?” “Maybe I should just have kept mute and waited for things to unfold”. I really wanted to know what was happening but Folarin certainly was not ready to talk.

To be continued...

Thank you so much for stopping by and we hope to have you here next week.

OneLove,
SomzyBrown

I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.

While I was thinking and pondering upon what today's write up should be on, I had it impressed in my heart to write about this. Truth be told, there are so many issues and topics that could be written on, in fact for some of them I have already written on them but not yet published them. However for this to be so strong in my heart, I think it is needed and would be very helpful to you or someone you know.

We have gotten to the end of the year. Yaay! Who is excited about Christmas? Well I am! (Dancing and giving thanks to God). Anyone travelling to the village? (My igbo people how far na?) Or travelling anywhere at all? Has anyone gotten Christmas clothes? Wait! Do people still get Christmas clothes in our generation? Anyway that is by the way. A whole lot has happened within this year but above all, we thank God for keeping us.

Some people have had it really bad this year - could be the loss of a child; the loss of a spouse; loss of a friend; loss of cordial relationship; loss of a job or anything at all. All of these losses need not be physical death but regardless of what it has been, I am sure it has not been very easy. Maybe you had great expectations on how things should go and they did not happen; maybe you got many promises but also got disappointed by those who made the promises...

This write up is just to encourage you not to give up or back down. I have had my share in this so just in case you are saying that I cannot understand, I actually do.  I might not understand what you have been through but I know what it feels like to have desires and not get them fulfilled. However, God has not brought you this far to leave you. I know this sounds like something you have heard a million times but it is the sincere truth. Yes it is almost the end of the year and you are like "let us just hope 2018 is better!" Please do not doubt  but believe that a miracle can still happen this year and with assurance, 2018 will be the best year so far for you.

For my beautiful people who had their dreams come through on a good relationship or marriage, I say a big congratulations to you. For those of you who were believing that your marriage would be established this year but did not happen, congratulations. I say congratulations because God is turning your disappointments into a big big blessing. He will surprise you greatly and ensure that you are established at the right time and with the right person.

Whatever you are believing God for, whether marital or anything at all, trust Him and thank Him in advance because He has done it already. Do not let the words of people (no matter how close) make you lose hope. There is something great about you and your heart desires will be granted in Jesus name.

However, please be very sincere with yourself - if there is anything that you know you need to do better or develop, please do so. It is not enough to say that things are not working out, sometimes we need to evaluate ourselves and change for the better. However while doing this, do not let your trust be in any man. Remember - OUR HELP, ALL OF OUR HELP COMES FROM THE LORD.

There is this song I love so much and it goes thus:

No matter what you are going through,

Jesus is there for you.

No matter what comes your way,

Jesus will see you through.

................................................

There's a miracle in this place with my name on it (2ce)

All I do is dance, laugh, clap.

Yes! No matter what the problem or challenge is, do not give up because Jesus is actually there for you. No matter how tough and impossible some things seem, remember that nothing is impossible with God.

Please enjoy the rest of this year regardless of what has happened and trust me, you will be very fine.

Thanks for stopping by and please do have a lovely week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

I AM DIFFERENT FROM YOUR EX OR YOUR FRIEND'S BOO!

Bimpe and Bolaji have been together for a few years. They love each other and this is obvious to everyone who knows about them or sees them together. Like every relationship, they have had little issues here and there but so far, they have been successful at settling all discords. There is however an issue that Bolaji seems not to be able to get over with. It saddens his heart every time he remembers and although he has tried to explain things to Bimpe, she does not seem to understand his point of view.

Bolaji is certainly not a perfect man but the moment Bimpe complains about something, he tries his possible best to work on it. Bimpe who fails to recognize that different relationships work differently, makes the mistake of comparing their relationship to that of Tunde and Sayo. Tunde and Sayo look like a perfect couple because they are always giggling, going out and doing some stuff that Bimpe considers to be great. Bolaji does not find this funny but Bimpe keeps doing it. One day she says he is different from her ex and another day, he does not treat her like Tunde treats Sayo.

A lot of things happen in people’s relationships or marriages that you know nothing about. Although it is not wrong to admire people’s relationship, the greatest mistake that you can make is to compare your own relationship to another. The truth is that you can never know the entirety of what goes on in another person’s relationship. You only see the picture they paint and so although they might look perfect, they might not actually be and although they might look imperfect, they might just be having a swell time. Some people show genuine love but some others pretend about it.

If you have issues in your relationship, settle it without making reference to how another couple settled their issues. Trust me, issues can be settled amicably and this would take the two people involved coming to an agreement of what they did wrong and deciding on how to avoid such in the future. Comparing your spouse to another lady or guy that you have seen out there would make the situation worse. So even if your intention is to draw the attention of your spouse to a bad behavior or attitude, if you do this by comparing him or her to that other person, you might end up losing him or her.

I have heard people say: “men do not like it when their babes or wives compare them to other men out there”. Although this is very true, I would like to say that it goes both ways and comparison is not good for anyone. Women as much as men, do not like to be compared to other women. Like I said earlier and I am saying again: “If you want your spouse to work on something, tell him or her in a very nice way and you can definitely do without comparing him or her to another person”.

Another reason it is adviceable to refrain from comparison is the fact that it could weaken your spouse whether you realise it or not. You might say that that is not your intention but then that might be the effect. Some people based on the comparison exercise that goes on in their relationship or marriage, just tell the ‘comparer’ to go be with the ‘comparee’ since he or she thinks that that person is the ideal man or woman. You really do not want to make him or her think unnecessarily, so avoid comparison and save your marriage or relationship.

Relationships and marriages work differently. The fact that one idea or act works well with party A does not mean that the same will work for party B. I know that it is easy to say and not exactly easy to do but then efforts have to be made to avoid this.  Comparing yourself, your relationship or your marriage to another will not make you or your relationship better, it will rather make it worse.

Thank you for stopping by. we hope to see you next week.

OneLove,
Somzybrown

Every Attention I got was a Blessing! 3

At first it was Tunde, I really could not resist the attention I got from him. He was so calm and handsome and I was really shocked that he would walk up to someone like me to have a conversation. "Why was I still looking down on myself though?" I really could not answer this question. I just enjoyed the attention and I was soon going back to where I was coming from. We got talking and yes, I gave him my number. Please do not be quick to judge my actions. I really desired to be different and I worked hard at it but then it just did not seem to be happening.

Can I just say here that transforming yourself and changing your mentality about something does not come easy. It takes you making a conscious effort to keep up with the new you.  You will make mistakes and fall while trying to bring about a change but you have to keep pushing until you get to that desired place. I knew when I was going back to the old me! I knew when I was allowing the existence of non-facial beauty affect me but then I allowed it! I let myself be deceived again and again.  It was a hard time for me and although I fell, I had many people who were there to encourage me and so I decided not to give up.

I began to push hard again, I really needed to get this self-worth, in fact I had to. I needed to realise that not every attention I got I was a blessing. I needed to learn that I need not be with every guy that shows an interest in me. To be honest while some interests by guys might be genuine, others are not. I was still on this quest and because of this a lot had happened to me. Sincerely speaking, I experienced the good, bad and ugly. I have felt love but also been seriously beaten; I have been cared for but also jilted; I have been approached but also rejected…

I have my regrets allowing just anyone get into my space just because I wanted to find the right person and now despite being with over an uncountable number of guys, I have realized that ‘you do not find the right person by jumping from one relationship to another'. You also do not find the right guy by reducing your standard because you feel you are at a disadvantage. I thought I was at a great disadvantage because I was not facially beautiful, little did I know that there was more to beauty than the facial beauty. The sincere but painful truth is that -  it is not every guy that looks cute that is for you. Not every guy that appears to be cool headed is for you. I say ‘appears’ because some people only look cool but are not cool in the real sense of it.

I am definitely a walk in progress. I am not yet where I want to be but I am working really hard to get there. A lot has changed about me and I am gradually getting over this whole feeling of not being beautiful. I have made mistakes due to the wrong mentality that I had but I am moving past my mistakes. I have come to realize that there is no crime in making mistakes but the greatest crime is in failing to learn from those mistakes. It has been a long journey but I am definitely making good progress. I am a better me (I know that).

Thank you so much for stopping by to read this post. I hope you have learnt a thing or two from this story. And for those who have asked me or wondered, it is not my personal story.

We hope to see you here again. Have a blessed week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

Every Attention I got was a Blessing! 2

Attending this conference is the best thing that has happened to me in a while (I am very serious). Although I attended the conference reluctantly, I learnt a whole lot and I am glad that I did not decline the invite. From the different speakers, I was able to figure out that I was indeed beautiful and I could beautify my life the more by working on certain areas of my life and developing myself. Before this conference, I had focused on my facial beauty so much that I was already losing the inner beauty which is more important. I learnt that although a beautiful face is good, that is not what necessarily keeps a man. The facial beauty could fade but the inner beauty never fades.

In fact, one of the speakers had spoken like she had a book where every single thing about my life and all the incidences that had occurred were written. She was so down to earth, yet so real. She talked about the fact that many people give excuses for acting in a particular way or engaging in a particular act. According to her: “your so called disadvantage should not push you to a greater disadvantage. The fact that you think you are not good enough or not beautiful enough, should not make you do crazy things”. This was definitely for me. I knew and accepted that I was not facially beautiful but I also allowed this ‘thought’ of mine push me to doing crazy things and this definitely was not good for me.

I decided to make a conscious effort to develop my inner self. I began to work on myself when I realized that even though I did not consider myself facially beautiful, I could work on my character and charisma which would get people attracted to me. I began to read a lot because I also wanted to be able to have intellectual conversations with people. This ‘inner-self’ development was going on well but I sometimes fell back to where I was coming from.

The supermarket guy (SG) and I remained friends but remember I said that I was not sure about being ready to commit to any relationship. The conference made it worse for me. Worse in the sense that it made me decide to cut off contacts with guys for a few months so that I could really work on myself and get my self-esteem. He seemed really nice and different from the other guys I had ever had anything to do with but I was quite different now from when he met me. I was still lonely but I now had a different view about life generally and I was ready to be a better me.

SG’s attitude towards me was beginning to change and I guess this was as a result of the new thinking cap that I had put on. I refused to give an answer to him but I still wanted us to be friends. He was obviously not ready to accept my lovely offer of friendship so he left. He had asked me to do something that the former me (i.e. before the conference) would have done, regardless of the short time in which I met him but thankfully at this time there was a change. I was so glad that I could say no because this rarely happened. I had gotten so used to doing somethings that I said yes without thinking when the request came. 

Despite all these positive changes and development, there were times that I would still look at any guy and say “maybe he is the one” and the moment he came to speak to me, that was it. The decision to avoid contact with guys for a few months did not last long at all. I got into further relationships and worse things happened to me. I thought I had grown! I thought I had gotten to the point where I could boldly say that all that I did was now in my past! I thought I was beginning to re-enhance my self-worth but I was quite far from it. I fell again!

Please stay tuned! Do not go anywhere!

Thank you so much for stopping by, we hope to see you next week.

OneLove,
SomzyBrown

Every Attention I got was a Blessing!

I was so tired of staying at home, so I decided to take a stroll out of the estate where I live. To be honest, I just wanted to be able to see people and know that I was not alone in this world (smiles). My younger sister who lived with me had moved out of the house because she could not cope with my ‘frustrated’ self. So I was home alone! The estate was so quiet and as I passed by, I could barely count one or two people on my way. I therefore decided to go to the supermarket. My thought was that “at least there will be some people there”. Indeed I was right, there were a lot of people at the supermarket and I made a new friend.

I met him at a supermarket not too far from the house. “He is charming and friendly” I thought to myself. He smiled at me and said “hey beautiful, can I have a chat with you?” No one had ever referred to me as beautiful and at that point I was almost getting depressed on the fact that I was ugly. This name was worth more than gold to me but I had to be careful - “Is this a name he calls every woman or lady he sees or am I really beautiful?” I could not help but ponder.

I had gotten so carried away with the fact that he had called me beautiful and I had forgotten to respond. “Hello!!” he said trying to remind me of the question he asked. “Oh I’m sorry, yes you can” I responded. We began to talk and he saw me as an interesting person but was I really an interesting person? I had serious doubts about who I was and this was bad for me. He further asked “I will like to continue this conversation with you, can I have your number please?” I was not going to say no to this, I was lonely and bored so why not? “Yes, this is it…”

We became friends and in less than two weeks, he popped the question. Do you think two weeks was too quick? Well I thought it was because we barely knew each other even though it seemed like we had grown close so fast. I was not sure I was ready to commit to anything yet and you will get to understand why. He acted like a good person. I say ‘acted’ because I have met many good actors in this life. People who you could call the nicest people but the moment you got into a relationship with them, everything changed. It was just safe for me to assume that everyone was an actor until proven otherwise.

Although I was really lonely, I had made some costly mistakes which I was not willing to make again. I was on the quest to finding the right man and so every guy I met appeared to be a potential one. The fact that I felt I was ugly made it worse for me and so every attention I got was a blessing. I am sure you are surprised at the use of the word ‘blessing’. To be honest, getting attention from guys was worth more than gold because this rarely happened.  I was tired of being or feeling so cheap (i.e. jumping at every guys request because it was rare) but then that seemed like the only way to boost my self-pride. Was it really working though? No!!!!

I could tell no one about this but then I finally decided to speak to a friend who made it a point of duty to encourage me in every way she could. Her encouragement meant a lot to me and I was grateful that I had finally let out my feelings to someone. She called me one day and told me about a Women's conference that she attends and which has helped her a lot. She invited me for the women’s conference but I was not willing to attend. She made me see reasons why I needed to attend but was I going to attend?

Stay tuned as I continue with this next week.

Thank you so much for stopping by. We cannot wait to have you back next week. Until then, stay blessed.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

WE CAN MAKE THIS WORK!

On my way out with some of my friends, we heard some women having a conversation and one of them said “if my husband does…I will just divorce him”. This struck a conversation between us and we expressed our shock as to how nowadays people are not willing to tolerate even the littlest mistake in marriage. In the words of one of my friends, “people treat marriage like relationships”. Although relationships are not just to be broken anyhow (hence the need to be extremely careful before getting into one), a relationship can be broken. A relationship is way different from a marriage because you have not yet said “I do” to the person you are with.

Marriage is way different and it is sadly gradually becoming really trivialized. He comes back late from work and you go “I cannot deal with this” or maybe she forgets to cook for you and you go “I am tired of this woman”.  No one is trying to say that coming back late from work is good or bad but then, you cannot at the slightest mistake/error/mishap say that you want to divorce a man or a woman. The truth is that the other woman that you think will cook that food when you divorce this one or the other man you think would come back early from work when you divorce him, might do that but then they would also have areas that you are not comfortable with. So are you going to keep divorcing and remarrying? Think about this!

The problem we have nowadays is that because this divorce thing has become very common, many people (especially youths) now go into marriage with the idea that “if he/she misbehaves, I will divorce him/her”. This is a very wrong mentality and we need to be careful about this. It is wrong and highly unadviceable for you to ever go into a marriage with the idea behind your heart that once your partner does something wrong, you will just get a divorce. I remember a Pastor once said “My wife and I made up our minds when we got married that divorce is not an option” and this got me thinking. We can learn from this: DIVORCE SHOULD NOT BE AN OPTION and should not be the first thing we think about when something in our marriage goes wrong.

Sadly but truly, people are no longer willing to tolerate even the littlest thing and this is really bad. There are extreme cases, I agree that might warrant you making that decision and I would not go into that today. But my focus is on the fact that we need to start renewing our minds about this divorce thing. We need to start working on being patient and tolerant people and not giving up at the slightest opportunity or mistake.

If you are already married, please try not to think of divorce at the slightest opportunity. Please try to be willing to make things work no matter what it may cost you. Your marriage is not a football ground where players can just be changed anyhow. Marriage is deeper than this and so we need to be extremely careful. Please be patient! I am not in your shoes and I might not know how difficult it is for you at the moment but you can think deeply about it. Your marriage is workable! Maybe just a little patience, a little understanding will help. If you are going through this, I really pray God helps you with this and gives you wisdom.

For those of us that are not yet married, we need to consciously get this mentality out of our heads! Please do not get married to anybody with the thoughts that “if he or she makes a mistake, you will just get a divorce”. This is wrong. We have to build ourselves to the level that we become very tolerant and patient people. Marriage is the coming together of two different people from different backgrounds and sometimes with different characters. What this implies is that there would be a clash but then how you handle the clash or differences is what matters.

God’s standard has not changed and this is different from belonging to the old school or new school. God says that “He hates divorce” and so that is His standard so why do we think that being a 21^st century Christian or person changes this standard? No! It does not in anyway.

I really pray for each and every one of us (myself inclusive) that God will help us to understand the real essence of marriage so that we do not take it for granted. I pray that we exhibit the fruits of the Spirit so that our marriages will be better for it. I pray for a high level of tolerance and understanding in Jesus name (Amen!)

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

I LOST INTEREST IN WHAT WE HAD!

A friend of mine once said “It is bad to force someone to remain in a relationship with you when you know that the person has lost interest”. This is true because whatever is done out of force is not genuine if we are to be sincere with ourselves. The truth is that you cannot get the best out of someone when he or she is forced to do something. If you force someone to remain in a relationship with you (or get into a relationship with you) when it is evident that such person has lost interest, then you will most probably get the worst from that person.

Let me share a story with you:

I know of a lady (in fact more than one) who is in a ‘relationship’ but the unfortunate thing is that she is not in a relationship with someone who loves or has regard for her. How do I know this? The guy shows no sign that he loves or cares about her by the way he treats her and then the question that comes to mind is “did he really ask her to be in a relationship with him? And if he did, what then changed?”. This guy maltreats her and like I said earlier, he has little or no regard for her. From his actions,  one or two things could be implied. It is possible that the lady likes him more than he likes her or he actually did not ask her out and was forced to be in that relationship.

Do people find themselves in such situations? Yes! But should they remain in a relationship that yields no fruit of love? No! From this story, he has lost interest, so what else are you looking for? He does not regard you and he maltreats you. Do you think this is going to change by you remaining there and washing his feet? No! We need to be wise about things like this. If a guy or lady has no interest in the relationship and it is glaring that things cannot work out, please never force him or her to remain. Because if you do, the outcome will not be something enjoyable. It is possible that he or she needs space and you need to give him or her that space. 

You have your self-worth, you need your self-worth please.

Haven said all that, this is a different ball game when you are married! Yes, it is. Before you got married it is believed that you had taken your time to think it through and therefore made the decision to get married to that person. I am not trying to say that people do not change but this is a life commitment and you need to be careful of how you handle it. However, I do not think you would have gotten married to someone that you do not love or that does not love you in the first place.

Another important thing is  - Forgiveness!

Many times people wrong us, offend us, betray our trust... and will there be a time that people will stop getting us offended? No! But even when we are wronged or offended (i.e. based on the fact that he or she broke up with you or left you without a valid reason) you must be willing to let go.   It could be really difficult to do this especially when you feel that you have invested so much into the relationship but then you keep hurting yourself by failing to forgive your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend for whatever wrong that he or she has done to you. What works for me is that regardless of how hurt I feel about what someone has done to me, I try to help that person see reasons for why he acted in the way he did. This might not work for you but you definitely need to find something that works. This is because you cannot keep holding on to an offense, as much as possible, you should be without offence and avoid any headache.

When you fail to forgive, you hurt yourself more. This is true because sometimes the person that has wronged you has moved on in life but you are still there getting upset. I fully understand that it is not very easy to let go, but you really need to work hard at this. One way to easily forgive is to pray for the people who have wronged you. This might not sound right to you but it definitely works.

Thank you so much for stopping by and we hope to see you next week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

I DID IT COS I HAD TO...

So based on the different comments that people sent to me about the “he put a ring on it” story, we have some things to discuss.

The first thing is Desperation. There is a lot of pressure being put on people lately and it is really sad. It is easy to say that it is these ‘pressured’ people that are allowing the pressure but I tell you, it is not easy. In as much as they might not want to feel the pressure, the moment a million people keep saying the same thing to you, you are programmed to think about it regardless of whether you want to or not.

But then should desperation or pressure lead you to marry just anybody or say yes to just anybody? No! I am sure you were expecting that answer. It should not. You have your self-worth whether you believe it or not and it does not matter that you are fat, thing, ugly, beautiful, disabled etc. none of this is and should be a factor to make you desperate to get married. Marriage is good and enjoyable but please do not get into a relationship or accept a proposal because you feel it’s the only or last opportunity that you will ever have.

You have your self-worth whether you believe it or not and it does not matter that you are fat, thing, ugly, beautiful, disabled etc...

In this story, it could be said that Bunmi was desperate to get married. She had insecurity issues and so a man proposing marriage to her, took that insecurity away. At last, someone saw her as ‘marriable’ and this was exciting for her. Although Tunde had not expressly told her that he wanted to marry her, neither had he given her a ring to show for it, he obviously loved and cared about her. However, this was not sufficient for Bunmi. Having said that, this has nothing to do with the length of time that people court for. We talked about time because she had barely left a relationship and then gbam! She's getting married. I know of a couple who courted for 3 months and got married afterwards. Guess what? They are still doing very well till today. It is more about the reason for accepting a proposal than the length of time it takes to get engaged and get married.

Desperation could lead you to making a costly mistake and this is why you need to check your reasons for saying or deciding to say yes to anybody. If any decision is to be made in haste or made out of self-pity or made out of the discouraging words of relatives and friends, it is definitely not the decision of marriage. Yes, you heard that! Do not be in a haste to make the decision to get married to someone. The people who push you will not be there to help you in your marriage and as such this should make you extremely careful. The truth is that you do not want to get married and then start blaming yourself and killing yourself for having made such decision (i.e. getting married to someone that you do not even know well).

How do we deal with this? patience! Patience! Take a deep breath and do not rush. You are over 30? You are in your early 40’s ? Yes, please be patient and develop yourself. Which is better? To be with the person that will love and take good care of you though he comes late or to get married in a haste to someone who cares no bit about you. Also let me just drop this here: Please never force yourself on a guy or on a lady! And this leads to our next discussion …stay with us and see you next week.

Thank you so much for stopping by, we truly appreciate you.

OneLove,
Somzybrown

HE PUT A RING ON IT! 2

Despite all attempts by Tunde to make Bunmi stay with him, she decided to leave him. In other words, she broke up with him. It was so hard for Tunde to cope with this. He was so pained, hurt and could not come to terms with the fact that he had been left alone. Bunmi felt really bad that she had to do this to one of the coolest and nicest guys that she had met but then she moved on quickly. Remember that she had been in 10 relationships already? Breaking up was not new, she only felt bad because Tunde was a good guy.

Tunde was still trying to get over Bunmi, it was difficult but he was getting there gradually. Something then happened - while on instagram one day, he saw a picture of a lady who looked like Bunmi and another guy. This picture was quite funny and he could not believe his eyes. He called another friend of his to try help him see who the lady in the picture was and of course it was his dear Bunmi. She had just gotten proposed to and the guy had put a ring on her finger. Whao! How could this have happened in less than 5 months?

Tunde had many questions in his heart. “Is it that she was double-dating while she was with me? Or had she been a relationship with the guy before? When did they both meet, become friends, get into a relationship and then…?” All the answers to his questions were no where to be found. Bunmi’s insecurities had to do with the fact that she was not ‘marriable’ or she felt she was not marriable. Someone broke that by asking for her hand in marriage and it did not matter to her whether herself and the guy were good together.

But really, is that good enough? What do we think?  I really want to hear opinions on this.

I do not like to judge, in fact I have no right to judge any one and so I cannot (to be honest no one is permitted to judge anyone). However, I am forced to think really deep about what could have happened. But what will my thoughts do? My thoughts cannot change what has happened. Anyway now that the guy has put a ring on it and yes they are getting married soon, what can be done? While trying to analyse this whole matter, my friend said to me – “What do ladies like about rings?” Although I had no answer to this question, I was not shocked because some other guys have asked me the same question. Now to my fellow ladies, what do we like about rings?

My friend jokingly made a statement, well maybe he actually meant it – “since it is about this ring matter, the next girl I meet or ask out will get a ring immediately. At least the ring would make her stay”. Although he was in so much pain saying this, he got me laughing but of course I had to laugh in my heart. Is it all ladies that would jump into a relationship or remain in one because the guy has given them a ring?  Personally if anyone tries that with me, he has failed because I am not really about the rings. What about you? I mean I love rings but rings with nothing attached to it and so if you give me a ring because you just want me to remain with you, hmmmm...

It is no news that now a days, many ladies are ‘really moved’ by the fact that he is or he has plans to propose and not about the most important things. Ring does not equal commitment, neither does it equal love. Rings and proposals are good, don’t get me wrong but they are good if they are done for the right reasons. That he gives you a ring does not mean that he loves you! The fact that he gives you a ring does not mean that he would be committed to you.

In those days when and if a ring was given, you were sure that the two people involved were sincere and wanted to get married for the right reasons. It is therefore sad that these days, ladies even force a guy to give them a ring. They threaten to leave the relationship if he does not give them a ring. Mehn! With this ring issue, we have to be very careful. Guys seem to feel that this a weak point for many ladies and they are capitalising big time on this.

We definitely have some issues to talk about and so we hope to see you again next week. But before then, please drop your comments and advices for Tunde and some 'Bunmi's' out there. Thank you so much for stopping by.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

HE PUT A RING ON IT!

Tunde and Bunmi began their relationship on the 4^th of September 2015. They really loved each other and were excited to be in each other’s arms. Their relationship was very interesting as they shared almost everything together. Bunmi had an idea that Tunde really loved her and she was really excited. Bunmi had been through somethings which she referred to as ‘bad experiences’ and she just was not in the mood to go through that again. However Tunde looked too good to do any of such to her.

“Tunde is a lovely and sweet person” Bunmi said. “He is actually the sweetest guy I have ever met. He is cool and calm. He is handsome and very smart. Oh my gosh! His wisdom is not even of this world. He is as gentle as a dove and very caring” she continued. Tunde was all these to her and many more and she was happy about making the decision to be with him. They grew close in no time and their relationship felt like heaven on earth.

Painfully, in less than a year the butterflies began to disappear and this was about Bunmi. She started acting up and Tunde could not understand what was going on. She had been through somethings which made her feel insecure and this was the same reason why she had been in 10 relationships. She has found it really difficult to trust any guy because according to her “they are all the same”. She could sense that Tunde was quite different from the 9 others but she had her fears. She had a desire to get married (at least someday) but how was this going to happen with all these insecurities? Only God has an answer to this.

Although Bunmi was not double-dating, she was beginning to have a second thought about their relationship. She remained a dutiful girlfriend but had other plans which Tunde had no clue about. There were other guys who had shown interest in her while she was in a relationship with Tunde and although she turned them down, she did not hesitate to keep them as friends. Common! Bunmi was and still is a beautiful lady with all them figure-eight right in your eyes. She was and is a very attractive lady even though encumbered with a lot of insecurities.

She soon got ‘extremely’ tired of the relationship and just wanted to end it already. She really had no genuine reason but she just felt that it was not going to work out between them. She felt Tunde was too nice and would leave her for someone else. But how does someone get to such conclusion? Only Bunmi has an answer to that to be honest. What had happened to all the nice and lovely comments about how unique and different Tunde is?

Tunde was not willing to let go of her and he really wanted to know what he could do to make the relationship enjoyable for both of them. She finally decided to say “I don’t feel loved, Tunde”. This was obviously a lie because everyone including Bunmi knew that Tunde loved Bunmi with the whole of his heart. This was evident in his actions and reactions towards her.

Tunde asked her for what she wanted or what he could do to show how much he loved her. Bunmi who knew that this was not a sincere reason for wanting to break up with Tunde told him that there was nothing he could do to make her feel the love she wanted to feel.

Bunmi was not a perfect girl but she was cool. He had put in a lot into their relationship and was not willing to let go so quickly or even at all. Tunde was tired of being in different relationships and so he looked forward to having this one be his last relationship. Bunmi was ‘too stubborn’ for him but he was willing to learn how to understand why and how to handle her ‘stubbornness’. Tunde made promises upon promises and gave Bunmi plenty assurances that he was never going to break her heart.

Thanks for stopping by always, please stay with us and we shall be back next week.

OneLove,
SomzyBrown.

Marriage is Sweet When You're with the Right Person 2

So last week, we started with a conversation which I had with Dr. Olubanke Doherty (nee Asaju), but we could not finish up because it was going to be too long to read. So we decided to split it into two parts and here is the second part to the interview/conversation. Oh by the way, it was their wedding anniversary on the 30th of September and 1st of October so please show some love. Congratulations to the Dr. Odun and Dr. Banke Doherty! God will continue to keep your home. Peace, love, unity, understanding will never cease from your home in Jesus name.

“The truth about my husband and I is that we never run out of gist and we never get tired of talking to each other” she continued. “He is my best friend”.  Now I hope you have gotten your paper and biros; your tabs or your phones because as this discussion was going on, I was surely taking down some notes in my head and on my phone and that is how you are able to read this (smiles).    I remember an elderly woman saying that your spouse should be your best friend and rather than looking outside for someone to gist with, you should look inside to gist with your spouse. I have heard many people in relationships or marriages, refer to other people (leaving out their spouse) as their best friend. But really what do we think about this? Especially where the best friend is of the same gender as your spouse?  

I personally think and believe that making your spouse your best friend is key because this makes it impossible to run out of what to talk about. If you will agree with me, there is always something to talk about and if your spouse is your best friend after God, then you will find out that you guys are always talking.

As a married person, the worst thing you can do to yourself is keep malice with your spouse or fail to settle your discords before the day runs out. This would lead to a lot of piling up and remember that “it is easier to clean where there are little dirts but when there is a heap, it becomes more difficult” (quote by me). Banke in line with this made this powerful statement “we have never quarreled or kept malice with each other. We argue occasionally but we are quick to say ‘sorry’ to each other”. The effect of ‘sorry’ is a powerful one you know, if you are not good at saying this then you need to go learn how to because it can save you from a lot in life, not just in marriage. In marriage, there will always be one issue or the other or one misunderstanding or the other but you should not allow things pile up. One person (the more mature one) has to be a 'fool' by seeking to settle any dispute or issue.

Another important thing that Banke had to say about her marriage with the love of her life is this fact - “We do not keep secrets”. This is very recommendable for married couples to be honest. The moment you start keeping secrets, the issue of distrust begins to play in and before you know it, it has gone too far to be resolved. It might not be convenient to tell your spouse everything, but this is definitely something you need to consciously work on.

Finally, Dr. Banke in her final speech on the success of her marriage so far said “Most importantly, we are prayer partners, we pray and confess God’s word together everyday”. My expression to this was “whao! I love this!!!!”. God is the one that keeps a home but He does it through the individuals involved by directing them and telling them what to do per time. Remember that one will chase a thousand and two ten thousand, there is a multiple effect when two people do something. Praying together and studying God’s word is definitely key in a marriage as you are able to overcome so much in a little time compared to when you pray alone.

We hope you have enjoyed our conversation with Dr. Banke, please stay with us and we hope to see you here next week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

YOU HAVE EVERY REASON TO BE JOYFUL

Some people look at me and say "You are such a blessed child" and some others say "You are too full of life and joy, you must have had it all rosy for you". While these different statements are true, I laugh really hard at the last part. Had it all rosy? No way!!! I wish this was true but fortunately, it is not. I say 'fortunately' because although sometimes I wish somethings were better, I have no regrets being born the way I was born and having to grow up the way I did.

I tell people that the only explanation for who I am today, is God. The only reason I do not look like what I have been through is God. This is not a joke, God is the only reason that I am what I am. I am young but God has shown Himself so strong even in my little life. Hopefully I can share the story of my childhood with you someday (smiles). This is so that you will have an idea of the fact that I am not who I am because 'I have had it all rosy". I tell people that I am not from a wealthy family (maybe wealth in Christ so yes) but in the real sense of it that is the truth. I have been favoured by God.  I have had rough paths, in fact I still and would still have rough paths (this is not a prophesy, it is the truth about life) but God is too faithful to leave me 'hanging' in the air and He is also too faithful to leave you.

I am just a young girl whom God has helped and I have made a decision that regardless of what I go through, nothing will steal my joy. I have been through some tough things that people expect will weigh me down, I do not blame them for this because as humans we have times when we break down and also I am very emotional so it is just expected that I will break down at some things. But guess what? In these different circumstances, God has given me reasons to smile and rejoice and He has given me the strength that can come from no one but Him. Situations will occur, circumstances that you never saw coming will emerge but they are not to weaken you but to make you stronger

Are you weighed down about something? Are you getting worried that things are not going the way you want them to go? Are you dissastisfied with some situations and citcumstances? Yes, these things would happen but you need not be weighed down. There is definitely a God in Heaven who sees everything that you go through; who hears everything that is being said to you. He will never leave you. It is the nature of man to fail you; disaapoint you; treat you badly but God smiles at all of these because He has something better and greater for you.

There is a scripture I love so much - For I know that ALL things (note not SOME things) work together for my good because I love God and I have been called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

You think you can go through life on your own? That is impossible. Let God guide and lead you and let Him be your strength. Trust Him and Him alone; do not be discouraged; do not be downcast; do not be weighed down cos God's got your back. 

So why don't you brace up, look that problem in the face and say "enough is enough! I cannot let you steal my joy". Make a decision to be joyful regardless of whatever comes your way.

Have a blessed day. 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

Marriage is Sweet when You're with the Right Person

I had the opportunity of speaking with a close friend (my sister from day one) who got married about a year ago. I love marriage and relationship talks (Obviously, that’s why I write about them) so I was eager to know about how her marriage had been in the past one year.

Just a little story about this beautiful couple:

A beautiful lady (just take a look at the picture) was noticed by a guy during her first year at University – Lagos State University (LASU). The guy who really wanted to be a friend with this beautiful lady but did not know how to go about it, thought of the best possible way and came up with an idea. He decided to ask  her for past questions – hmm are you learning guys? (lol, it might not work for you that way o so please be wise). According to her “I really liked his charisma but I did not show it. I later discovered that he liked me and was just using Past Question as cover-up”. They became friends and remained friends for a year plus and became fond of each other. One thing led to another and she says “we started courting thereafter". They both knew where they were going and what they wanted and so they worked hard at it and with the help of God, they were able to scale through.

Fast forward to last year –

I got a call from my sister (we grew up together) asking if I was going to be around in September. “What could be happening?” I thought. “Yes, I will be around” I responded. “Okay, I want you to be part of my bridal train” she said to me. “Whao, yes that’s perfectly fine” I replied. I was not shocked but I was extremely excited about this wedding. They had been in that relationship for over seven years and now they were finally getting married – isn’t God too good? Yes he is! The thought of God’s faithfulness in their lives made me more excited.

Back to the discussion we had – I really wanted to know what married life had been for her for the past one year and how she was (if she was) enjoying it. She was willing to give the gist and so I immediately moved myself close to her. Remember I said I like relationship and marriage gist (smiles). By the way, they got married (traditionally) on my birthday - 30th of September and Church wedding was on the 1st of October. You see why I said she is “an almost one year old wife”.

“I wasn’t really ready to get married at the time I did. I wanted to enjoy myself and just be me but I am so glad that I made that choice of marriage. Marriage is sweet!!!” she said with so much joy. The question in my heart was “what could make this marriage so sweet?” The gist was becoming more interesting and so I quickly moved closer to her, I just wanted to enjoy the story (don’t blame me for that). “Marriage is sweet when you are married to the right person” she continued. “Every day, I look forward to going home to be with my husband because we always have stories and gist about how the day went and what went on at work.” By the way, they are both medical doctors (just thought I leak that little secret).

As if the wonderful remarks she had given was not enough, she went on to say “My husband is actually my best friend, he is the first person I talk to and the first person I want to talk to whenever I am happy or sad”. This seemed really interesting to me because I have looked forward to such good testimonies about marriage but not really found such in a while. Yes, you might be wondering “but they have just spent one year together!” It might just be a year, but it is a great testimony and I will tell you why. Some people have broken their marriages within the first 3 months of their marriage and some others have expressed that “marriage is not what they thought it to be” speaking in negative terms and so one year with a great testimony is a lot for me.

My dear sister had some more to say and I was more than willing to get it all from her, not just for myself but for you as well. So stay close, do not go anywhere because we shall continue this discussion next week. 

Thank you so much for stopping by. God bless you and have a great week.

OneLove,
SomzyBrown

FIGHT YOUR FEARS AND TAKE THE STEP

Many of us have fears and we do not know how to overcome such fears. I have come to realise that you overcome your fear by actually fighting against what you are scared of. The question then is - How do you fight? In my own opinion, you fight your fears by confronting them. The first step is to agree that you have fears; recognise the fears and then fight them. It is important to note that whatever you are afraid of is not and will never be greater than you. People have gone through the same thing before and if they overcame their fears, you can surely overcome yours. This therefore means that you can overcome your fears because you are bigger than it. I will share an experience with you, it might be  funny but it has taught me a lot.

Her Beauty drives me crazy

Click here: https://wordpress.com/post/somzybrown.wordpress.com/2374

I had phobia for or let me say I was afraid of making a particular kind of food. I do not exactly love to cook but I do it when and if I have to. By the way, if you come to my house, I would not starve you (trust me!). Anyway back to the story - I learnt how to make this particular type of food about 7 years ago but since then I have found every possible means to run away from it. Why was I running away? I did not believe in the fact that I could make it and I did not want anyone to make jest of me whenever I made it. Although there was a time in which I lived alone and there was practically no one to laugh at me if it went wrong, I was still afraid to take this step. Whenever it was time to make this food or anything related to it, I stylishly ran away. To cut the long story short, I recently had to tell myself that running away from this, makes no sense. I therefore decided that I was going to make the food whenever the opportunity came. I pray before I cook, many times but this time I prayed hard because I was not just making the food for myself but for the whole house. I made it and everyone liked it! I was quite happy but I knew that there was still some more work to be done. I would have to continuously do this whether it turns out good or bad to finally be the best at it and overcome my fears.

The above 'personal' story of mine was shared just to encourage you. We all have one or two things that we are really afraid of doing. Either because you have shared it with some people and they have shown some sign of disbelieve in you or you are the problem (like me) because you do not believe in yourself. Your fear maybe driving. Please do not laugh at this because quite a number of people are scared of driving (especially in Lagos, Nigeria). While some of the people who are afraid have driven before and have had bad experiences, others have never driven but they are just too afraid to begin. There is no point running away from your fears because you will definitely have to face it someday. So why don't you fight it now that you are aware of it. People may laugh at you or make jest of you, but it really does not matter. You know where you are going and what you want to achieve and so the sooner you started fighting this fear, the better for you. Take that bold step now and let go of your fears!

OneLove,

SomzyBrown