EMOTIONAL ABUSE KILLS THE VIBE!

“You are eating all the food in the house and getting fat when your mates are out there making money!”

“You are always on your phone instead of going out to search for a job!”.

“You are good for nothing. It’s like I just wasted my time getting married to you.” “Why do you always make me feel like it was a mistake deciding to be with you? What have you contributed to my life?”
 “I have been taking care of you right from the day we started dating and now that we are married, you have become a burden to me and I am tired.”

These and many more were the words of Afolabi to his wife as she sat depressed in the sitting room taking in all of it without being able to mutter a word.  Chrisabel and Afolabi have been married for a while. Chrisabel is a graduate and she once had a job which she lost just before she got married to Afolabi. She has put in efforts to get a job but to no avail. Their kids started coming and they both decided it was best to put the job search on hold to enable her take care of the kids. However, since this decision was taken, it has been one insult or the other from Afolabi.

Now that their kids have started going to school, she has decided to search for a job but she has been unlucky. Afolabi is not helping matters because he talks down on her at every single opportunity. He makes her feel like a failure and an incompetent person even though she is where she is because of their joint decision and for their kids sake.

At first, Chrisabel had her self confidence intact, believing that with persistence, she would get a job. Her current situation has however taken a toll on her that she no longer believes in her capabilities. She feels useless and is beginning to believe that what her husband says about her is true. Nowadays, she is constantly depressed and she feels left out on a lot of things.

This quote by Iyanla Vansat, a Life Coach, best captures the above situation. ‘‘Family is supposed to be our safe haven, very often it’s the place where we find our deepest heartache’’. People most times abuse their spouse emotionally without realizing the effect of their actions. A Philosopher, Kamaran Ihsan Sali once said “Hit me but do not wound my emotion. The pain of body will terminate, but the wound of emotion will be painful.” Emotional abuse goes straight to the mind and it is capable of driving people crazy. It causes low self esteem and the constant feeling of depression and rejection. An individual who has gone through emotional abuse from her spouse or loved ones may never get to realize her potentials. She may never get to know the things that she had the ability to do because all she heard was that she was good for nothing. It keeps a person constantly on the ‘‘I am not good enough’’ mindset.

People may not always have control of their lives, things may not always go the way they plan, but I believe that at these points in anyone’s life, family and most importantly, spouses should be there to support and encourage them. 

Emotional abuse is one that is not gender restrictive or age restrictive. Women get emotionally abused and so do men. Children also get emotionally abused and all of these is not right. You can speak positive and right words to your spouse, to your children and even to your friends.

Do not forget, the wounds which can never be seen on a person's body, are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds. Do not be the source of that wound to your spouse or child or anyone around you.

Iseh Kuseme

Thank you so much for stopping by. We hope you found this helpful. We hope to see you next week.

OneLove,
SomzyBrown

HOW MUCH OF HIM DO YOU KNOW??

It is of great wonder to many as to what could be going on with many relationships today. While speaking with a beautiful woman, mother, wife on this, she shared some important points that I feel is worth sharing with you all.

When asked why many relationships or marriages fail, she said "Now a days, there are no one on ones. People do not seem to be interested in talking about things with their spouses,  they will rather chat about them." The fact that you chat everyday does not mean that you know each other. When you chat on whatsapp, facebook etc. you cannot read the tone of the message that is being sent and this implies that you cannot know how he or she will react to a particular matter.  She explained that when  in a relationship, there is a need to KNOW the person you are in a relationship with. Although you cannot know everything about them, there are certain things that you will and can only know if  you are willing to take the step to do so.

The truth is that a lot of things are assumed between people in relationships. Assumption is the worse thing that can happen to anyone. The man fails to talk, the lady also fails to ask questions and vice versa.  Sadly, each of them pretends to be fine and cool when in actual fact they are not. According to Mrs. Nkem, you cannot assume that you know him or her when you in fact have no clue as to what he or she is like and how he or she would react in certain circumstances.

There is a need for you to KNOW who you intend to get married to. You cannot assume that you know him or her.

If you ask  a lady or a guy when last she had a one on one, they could say "Oh last week when we went out". People go out to the cinema, to the beach etc. While all these things are good and adviceable, there is also a need to connect by spending time with each other. Mrs. Nkem says that ladies and guys go out for events and are of the opinion that they are connecting but in actual fact they are not.

Technology is one instrument that seems to make it impossible for people to have one on ones. Although technology is good, it should not take the place of people meeting up with their spouse or having a tête-à-tête as they are highly important.

"It is so bad that these days, some people can say that they have been in a relationship for about 2 to 3 years but they do not know each other. When confronted with this, they will give the impression that they know their spouse but unfortunately, they only have surface knowledge.

Knowing your spouse or boyfriend/ girlfriend does not end at knowing his/her best food or his/her best sport. While this is part of it, it is just a tiny bit. Knowing your spouse entails having serious and deep discussions about the things that are of interest to him or her; his or her background; his/her belief etc.

Truth be told, there are many things that you will not know until you sit down with a person, look him/her in the face and have a conversation. Sometimes people get into marriage based on the 'surface' knowledge that they have of their spouse and they begin to say "I never knew he was like this". Let me burst your bubbles, he had those traits while you were dating but you refused to avert your mind to that.

People need to realise that spending time especially physical time helps you know a person. Some people say "we have been together for about 5 years so I can say that we know each other well" but many times this is not the case. It is not about the number of years that you have spent together. It is about the quality of time you spend with each other, asking the right questions.

There is a need to know your spouse so take that step. Bring up conversations, see his/her reaction to things you do or words you say. SPEND TIME with each other.

Thank you so much for stopping by and leaving a comment. We hope to see you next week.

OneLove,
SomzyBrown 

Taking Male Bae Out - Wrong or Right??

Tare and Blessing had it good for them. They had been friends for about a year when they decided to take it to the next level. Tare loved Blessing because amongst other things she was unique and different from other ladies that he had seen or been in a relationship with. From the moment they got close, he had it in mind to marry her because to him "she is the perfect one". Their relationship got better and better day after day and this was one admired by everyone around them.

There was something they did together which was so admirable and maybe was one of the things that made Tare love Blessing the more. Unlike some other ladies, Blessing looked for every opportunity to get Tare a gift. She made sure she bought gifts for Tare not just on his birthdays but just to express her love for him.

On one of the days they went out to get food, they had finished eating and as Tare was about to pay for the food, he got informed that someone had paid for it and guess who that person was? He looked at Blessing and could not utter a word. "What manner of lady is this?" He thought to himself. Now she was not doing this because Tare was broke, in actual fact he had some good cash. He was not 'wealthy' but he was very comfortable. Blessing just believed that Tare did not have to do it all the time.

One afternoon, Blessing heard Tare and  his friends discussing about how girls are just out there to spend guys' money and all. During the conversation, Tare boldly told them that not all ladies are like that and that although he was not trying to be proud, his babe (i.e. Blessing) is not that kind of person and as a matter of fact, she looks forward to buying him stuff and she pays for stuff sometimes. He also pointed out the fact that Blessing does not have so much money but with the little she has, she believes in sharing with him. He mentioned that he tries to stop her sometimes but the attempts she makes, thrills him. Tare's friends were surprised and one of them shouted "are you being serious? abeg no dey lie give us joor (don't lie to us). In this generation of ours, no girl would do that." Tare could not but smile. He went on to tell them that he thought so until he met Blessing.

Blessing on the other hand in a quest to know if her actions were a 'taboo', decided to ask her friends about it. She had not finished asking the question when they all told her to stop. "Why should you spend your money on a guy when he should be the one spending on you". She tried to explain the fact that guys shouldn't always do it alone but her friends were not ready to listen to her. According to them, she was talking trash.

My question now is: apart from birthdays and maybe anniversaries for those that are married, is it wrong to buy things for your spouse? Is it wrong to decide to pay for his food on some occasions?

I think many ladies enjoy being on the receiving end and we have gotten so used to this that we think it is the norm. As ladies, we need to get out of the habit of always wanting the guy or husband to do everything and everytime because it does not have to be so. Yes, the guys/men will not request for it because society says that they are in charge but this is something that should be done out of love. It does not have to be forced, it should come from within. 

From the conversation between Tare and his friends, this act by ladies is one that would be admired and appreciated by men.

Blessing is a lady, Blessing believes in sharing, Blessing does not let Tare spend money on her all the time, Blessing spends money on Tare and takes him out sometimes. Let us be like Blessing.

Thank you so much for stopping by, please drop your comments. We need to know your opinions and views on this.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

I WAS MYSELF'S PROBLEM! 2

Beauty they say is in the eyes of the beholder. I was blinded and always thought I was not as fine as my friends or peers and this affected me a great deal. I was quite smart and intelligent but because of the low self esteem that had built up, I found it hard to be my best at my academics and other important activities. This feeling continued for a while and I missed out on a lot of things because of this self imposed inferiority complex.

The amazing but annoying thing as I look back is the fact that nobody ever told me that I was not a fine girl but they also did not say that I was fine either. Rather than focusing on developing myself and becoming a better me, I focused on not being a fine girl and not getting the attraction from guys/men like my friends were.

Apart from not seeing or imagining that I was a fine girl, there was one other issue - I also thought I was very fat. This thought was so disheartening and depressing and I felt really bad. I was careful about what I wore and tried to hide my figure underneath my very big clothes. However, this did not work because I still heard the same words "you are fat". I felt terrible and looked for every possible means to lose weight but nothing was working. I starved myself and went without food on many days. This act of mine was of great concern to my parents but I did not care.

Apart from being down about my weight, people always gave me the impression that I could never lose weight . Many times they said to me "you're so fat and you will remain this way and even be bigger". Many times, I tried to put their words behind me but it was the most difficult thing ever. This feeling was quite different from the one about not being a fine girl because while in the latter, nobody referred to me as 'fine' , in the former I was being referred to as FAT.

I went around feeling really down about my size and I almost got depressed over it. This went on for a few years and even when I had successfully lost some weight, I still felt down and bad about my stature. I allwowed the words of other people define who I was which is the wrongest thing to do.

About a year or two ago, I began to change my perspective about myself. I listened to people who had been through the same thing and what I learnt was "you decide whether you are pretty or not. You decide whether you are too fat or not. You make the decision to be who you want to be. If you see yourself as too fat or ugly, other people will see you in that light. However if you carry yourself as one is appropriately normal and beautiful, others will see you as that as well."

I began to work on myself by embarking on a research on how to lose weight and get a good body shape.  Later on, I was able to gradually get over this feeling as I began to look at myself with an inner eye which made me see myself as not just fine but beautiful. I was no longer looking forward to hearing it from somebody or people, I consciously and continuously told myself what I wanted to hear from other people.

Indeed I was ' MYSELF'S PROBLEM. I have learnt a lot from my experience and I really hope you have as well. You're the only who determines who you are and who you want to be. You can get confirmation from others but your opinion about yourself should not be based on that of other people. 

Anonymous.

Thanks for stopping by once again, we really do appreciate you. Have a blessed week. 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

I WAS MYSELF'S PROBLEM!

Growing up was not so much fun for me and I felt really sad about many things. I was troubled but because I was a seemingly happy child, no body knew that I was having it really hard (i.e. going through a hard time). I could not talk to anybody about how I felt and I was just ready to suffer inside and by myself. You might be wondering what exactly the problem was but be patient and you shall understand.

 

The backbone of my trouble was based on the fact that I  did not see myself as someone that deserved to be loved because to me, I was at a great disadvantage. My other friends were beautiful and I did not think I was because I did not see myself as one and nobody  had told me I was.

 

"Seeing yourself in a particular manner matters because regardless of what other people say, you know who you are and you are able to hold on to it."

 

I went out with friends who always got admired by the opposite sex but all I got was a handshake and maybe a fake  smile. This really got at me because I wondered if I had a problem. "What exactly is happening to me? Why on earth will my friends be admired and asked out and I wouldn't?" I always thought to myself. Everybody wanted to be friends with me but that was it. This whole friendship thing was really annoying. Yes, I was referred to as being friendly but I wanted something more. I did not want it to stop there! I mean friendship was and is good but I also wanted to be admired and asked out on a date like my friends. 

 

There was this day I went out with my closest friend at that time. We met this guy who spoke to me first, I thought he was interested in me and this got me really excited. You're surprised right? Don't be! For someone who felt deprived from the interests of guys, this meant a lot to me. We got talking but I began to notice that he was looking at my friend in a certain manner that sent a picture that he was interested in her. This hurt me badly but it was not my friend's fault. I mean a guy was interested in her over me, why would I blame her for such action? I felt bad especially when he referred to me as a nice and friendly girl before we left. "Is that all he could say about me? Couldn't he at least say that I was fine?".  I knew I was friendly but I did not want that to be the only noticeable thing about me!

 

Before I continue, I will like to point out the fact that at that time, I was just 15 years old and although I was not exactly interested in having a boyfriend, knowing that I was admired and that someone saw me worthy to be asked out would have made a whole lot of difference. I just wanted to have the 'feeling'. The feeling of not being loved affected me a great deal and it made me sad. Every time my friends and I went out, I came back home crying. I felt really bad but really what could I do? Yes, we were young but that did not change the fact that I deserved and wanted to be admired.  Few people had referred to me as 'fine girl' but there was no way that could sink in because in the real sense of it "I wasn't a fine girl " or let me say I did not see myself as one.

 

Please stay tuned and we shall see you next week. Thanks for stopping by.

 

OneLove,

 

SomzyBrown