I HAD TO DEAL WITH THE PAIN...!

A lot of events go on in relationships. Sometimes you experience a lot of heart breaks and you wonder if it is worth it at all. It may not be easy and I know that many times it isn't but life must continue and you cannot afford to let the experiences of the past stop you from enjoying the goodies that are available in your future.

Many times, we are so blinded by the 'bad', 'terrible', 'demeaning' things that have occured in our lives especially regarding relationships but guess what? This is what the devil wants. He wants you to feel terrible and useless so that you will settle for less or hate yourself and get depressed over the situations that have occured. He knows that God has great and better plans for your life but he wants to distract you from focusing on or enjoying those plans.

Please as tempting as it might be to focus on the bad experiences and to lose hope, try hard to stay strong and stay hopeful. There is light at the end of the tunnel and you can only see and experience that light if you keep moving. If you give up along the way, you end up missing out on the great and mighty things that God has in store for you.

Is it easy? No! You might say, "You don't understand my pain! You don't understand my struggle! You don't understand the heartbreakssssssss and heartaches that I have had to deal with..." Truth is that I may not understand what you have been through or what you are going through but I have also had to deal with pain in my life. I've had to make a decision on whether to focus on the pains and bad experiences or to trust God and be filled with hope. The latter was what I did and will do when any painful event occurs again and so far, it has worked out just fine.

Painful experiences are not easy or convenient. Cry if you need to but don't stay low, forge ahead. Don't hurt yourself but encourage yourself knowing that God has your back.  Trust me, it will be worth it at the end of the day.

Please do not dwell on the pain! Deal with the pain and move on! Put the devil to shame by trusting God. Also know that no matter how bad things have been, they'll work out for your good at last.

You need to deal with the pain and move on! You need to be willing to choose happiness over any form of sorrow.  We'll talk about how to deal with pain soon by God's grace. Till then, stay strong, stay safe, stay joyful. God bless you.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

I LOVE AND WANT GIFTS!

 

A guy once had a discussion with his friend. "I love my wife but she rarely buys me anything. I love to receive gifts from her because it would make me feel loved."

His friend responded "Whao! that's a unique one. You're the first guy I'll hear say this and it is a good thing because we are all different. I think many ladies assume that guys don't deserve gifts or that men don't care about gifts and this could be as a result of what society says. Society has made it seem like only women can or should receive gifts and they are wrong.  However you will need to communicate this to her as often as you can."

Welcome to the last part of the series on FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES. I cannot thank you enough for staying with us on this. God bless you real good.

How important are gifts to you? Would you rather receive a gift than have your spouse present with you? Is receipt of gift a big deal for you? If yes, then it might mean that your primary love language is GIFTS.

Gift giving is one of the easiest love languages to learn and Gary Chapman says that "if your spouse's primary love language is receiving gifts, you can become a proficient gift giver".  If your spouse's primary love language is receiving gifts then he or she would have made mention of certain things that they would love to have or receive. All you need to do is  make a list of those things that your spouse has mentioned (or will mention) and gradually based on the size of your pocket, get those things for him/her. You can also ask close friends and family members who know your spouse well to advice on what gifts s/he may appreciate.

You can gift money, buy certain things for him or her or gift yourself. For some, the gift of self is highly important and so you will need to make your presence available for your spouse if this is what he/she wants.

Suggestions from the Author

If your spouse's primary love language is receiving gifts here are some suggestions:

• Get your spouse something special, you can drop a box of chocolates or fruits before stepping out or place a delivery to him or her at work or home.
• Let nature be your guide.
• You can make a handmade gift for your spouse, it doesn't have to be something extra ordinary or expensive. 
• You can decide to give your spouse a gift a day for a week or for a month. And your spouse wouldn't expect it to be forever but it will be good for memory sake.
• Keep a GIFT IDEA BOOK - whenever your spouse mentions something that they would love to have, just write it down. It doesn't matter that you do not have the funds.  
• You can ask for help from a friend if you're clueless as to what kind of gifts to get for your spouse. Not everyone is creative with gift ideas so don't feel bad. 
• Offer the gift of presence. This would definitely go a long way.
• Give your spouse a book in an area that you know he or she is greatly interested in and offer to discuss it with him or her. 
• Give a lasting tribute - do something for the church, charity group or community in your spouse's name. 
• Give a living gift - something that he or she would remember for life.

Thank you so much for stopping by and I hope the series on FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES has been insightful for you as it has been  for me. We hope to hear and see improvements in your love life. God bless and keep you.  

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

BABE, PLEASE I NEED YOUR HELP

T: Babe but you know I love you right? I'll always be there for you...

B: Well, don't just say that you love me, show that you love me! Help me out in the house, render a helping hand when I'm struggling etc. That's how I will know and be sure that you love me...

How many of us are keen on activities? Like, it really means a lot to you when people generally and in particular your spouse, go out of their way to help you out with chores, projects etc.? If this is you, then it could mean that your primary love language is ACTS OF SERVICE.

Acts of service simply means doing what your spouse would love you to do to show love to him or her. These acts include: Washing the dishes; cleaning the house; making food; taking the kids out; folding the clothes; laying the bed; washing the car; taking the trash out etc. For some people, acts of service happens to be their primary love language and they feel very loved when their spouse carries out some or certain activities around the house. 

Is it possible for spouses to both have acts of service as their primary love language? Yes! It is very possible. There's a story about two people - while they were courting, the guy visited her often and helped  her with chores and this made her love him more. In fact, it could be said that it was one of the reasons she finally decided to get married to him. Maybe she thought "I love men that can help with house chores" and he fitted that description perfectly. But then what happened? They got married and he stopped assisting with the chores because of a stereotype from his upbringing.

To fully understand and come to terms with the love language of acts of service, our ideas of the role of men and women would need to be shifted in some way. We live in an age where it is no more clear or agreeable what should be done by a woman and what should be done by a man. Many people saw their fathers carry out certain or no activities in the house and some saw their mothers do majority of the chores and this created a stereotype. 

Sadly but certainly for your good, you might need to forget about the picture of your parents if your marriage is important to you because you're married now and it is about making your spouse's love tank full and not about what your father did not do or what your mother did. If you realise how important something is to your spouse, you will be willing to break stereotypes if that's what it takes to show him/her love. "There are no rewards for maintaining stereotypes but there are numerous and tremendous benefits for meeting the emotional needs of your spouse". 

It is highly important to note that this is one love language where the pictures of parents come alive. However, these pictures in some way have to be dropped if progress is to be made in each (unique) family. 

If your spouse's primary love language is acts of service, here are some suggestions:

1. Make a list of the requests your spouse has made and try to do 1 every week.

2. Tell your spouse to make a list of the things s/he would love you to do. 

3. Try to remember an act that your spouse has nagged about consistently and try to do it because this in itself is worth more than a thousand roses.

4. If you have more money than time, you can hire someone to carry out the chores which will definitely relieve your spouse of stress. 

5. Ask your spouse to tell you the daily acts of service you could do which would speak love to him or her. 

Thank you so much for stopping by and we look forward to seeing you next week. Have a blessed and fruitful week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

PLEASE STAY WITH ME BABY.

There are certain people who sometimes would prefer that their partner stays with/around them rather than buying gifts or touching them or engaging in activities for them. If this is you, please raise your hand. Yes! I see you, and you. If you just raised up your hand, it means that your primary love language is quality time. 

Just before we continue, if this is your first time here on the series of love language, kindly read the introduction Post ; post on  Physical touch and last week's post on words of Affirmation. Also I'll use this opportunity to encourage you to take the love language Test This would help in knowing and understanding your love languages in the order of priority.

Quality time means being available and spending time with your spouse by giving him/her your undivided attention. You can spend time with your spouse but your attention is divided - I.e. you're with other people (so your spouse doesn't have your full attention) OR you're on your phone, OR you're watching TV. Undivided means 'not shared with any thing or anyone'. Your focus is on one person - your spouse. 

Togetherness - Togetherness is different from proximity as two people can be in the same room and not be together. Some spouses think they are spending time together but unfortunately they are just in close proximity. Spending time with your spouse actually communicates that you care about him/her, you enjoy being with him/her and you like doing things together.

Quality Conversations - this has to do with sympathetic dialogue. The Writer says that most times when people complain that their spouses do not talk, they do not mean that s/he doesn't say anything. Rather, they mean that their spouses do not engage in sympathetic dialogue which is where feelings, experiences, thoughts are shared in a friendly manner. If quality time is your spouse's primary love language, it means you must have and make efforts to have these conversations. I mean feelings have to be expressed, you cannot be blank or have the "I don't care attitude" when your spouse is  saying something that is important to him or her.

Gary Chapman suggests 5 things to do in order to effectively listen to your spouse:

Maintain eye contact when your spouse is talking; 

Do not listen to him/her and be engaged in something else while they are talking;L

Listen to know how s/he feels about the situation; 

Observe body language and be sympathetic; 

Refuse to interrupt while s/he is speaking. 

Learning to talk - If your spouse's primary love language is quality time then they would also expect that you get intimate with them by expressing how you feel about what they've been through or what they've just shared with you.

Quality Activities - You need to create a list of the activities that s/he has talked about and find ways in which to carry out this activities with them showing that you care about making their love tank full. Gary Chapman states that Quality Activity is important because it creates/provides a memory bank from which you can draw from in the future. There are different activities that you can engage in with your spouse, discover which is important to them and engage in such. Going to a park, going to the cinema, going on a date, camping somewhere together etc.

Remember that QUALITY TIME is about - Doing things together, being together, giving each other undivided attention etc. 

Thank you so much for stopping by, we hope to see you next week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown