IT HAPPENED WHEN I THOUGHT IT WOULDN'T!

It was hard to stay away from Benjamin especially because he was a sweet person. Although I really liked him, I tried my best to hide my feelings. He knew the feeling was mutual but respected my decision not to get into a relationship yet. This even made me like him more. I mean instead of putting pressure on me to say yes, he just remained a good friend and rarely brought up the topic. 

He made it a point of duty to see me off to my hostel whenever we were together. On this particular day, I got to my room and I could not stop thinking about Benjamin. He was a good guy, a Jesus guy, a handsome guy, a sweet guy etc. The like was gradually growing into love so I decided I was going to say yes to him. "You've made my day! I am the happiest person right now. Thank you so much Cynthia. I promise never to take you for granted. I promise to always treat you right..." These were his words when I said yes to getting into a relationship with him. 

Benjamin had invited me to his house numerous times but I had made up my mind not to visit him until we were in a relationship. Now that I had said yes, I could go to his house right? I was eager to see what his house looked like so in no time, I visited him. Benjamin's house was so clean, tidy, organised and this made me love him even more. He cooked for me and made me feel at home. What a nice guy right? We sat together and talked about different things. During this period, I noticed his hands coming close to mine so I quickly stood up to do the dishes. While I was doing this, I felt a hand on my shoulders. It could be no one else but Benjamin's. I shrugged and he stopped. 

I left his house that day with the decision never to go there again. I loved him but I had to be careful. I had barely made the decision not to go to his house when I found myself there again. This time around, I allowed Benjamin put his hand on my shoulders and I held his other hand. My body was doing gish gish (I felt some sensation) and I was enjoying it. We didn't go any further and I was happy. 

Getting to my room, I thought about all that happened. How did I go from avoiding men to feeling this way for one man? I knew that something had changed in me and my roommates also noticed. 

The visits continued and the events grew from holding hands to kissing and on some occasions, sex almost happened. It was the last incident that made me realise that we had come too far and if we were not careful, we would engage in the one thing we vowed never to do. Benjamin and I were both strong Christians and we had decided that we were going to keep the bed undefiled. The truth is that the fact that we were in very close contact in a house where he lived alone, was like a trap that we had set for ourselves. I thought I was strong and able to withstand such actions but the Scripture says "let him that thinks he stands, take heed lest he falls". I therefore decided to speak to my mentor about it and that was when she gave that advice as we read last week.

Benjamin and I heeded to the advice from my mentor and even though it was really hard, we scaled through. I reduced my visits to his house drastically and I ensured that I only went when I knew someone else was going to be around. We also tried as much as possible to reduce the number of times that we were alone. This really helped us and we were gradually able to control our feelings and sensation and today, we are happily married.

Many times its difficult to abstain from sex but it becomes more difficult when the two people involved regularly stay alone. My advice for Christians like me is to avoid being alone with your boyfriend or fiance as the case maybe because it is most times when you are alone that such temptations are on the increase and it is more difficult to say no because 'no one' is watching.

I pray that God will help those of us that have made the decision to abstain from pre-marital sex (whether a virgin or not). He will strengthen us. Amen

Anonymous

Thanks a lot for stopping by and we hope to see you next week by God's grace. 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

HOW DO YOU CONTROL SUCH FEELINGS?

"Open the doors and windows if no one is around you, that way you will be careful...although I would say that it is better to always have people around you..." These were some of the words from the advice given to me by my Mentor. 

"Thank you so much ma. Thank you for not judging me and thank you so much for listening to me. I will practice all you've said but I'ld appreciate you checking up on me." We had spent 2 hours discussing about an issue I had and I was grateful for her advice and hoped that it would be a lasting solution.

I grew up in Church and I had heard a million and one times that it was wrong and in fact a sin to have sex with the opposite sex until marriage. In fact, my Pastor always said these words over and over again "...keep the marriage bed undefiled..." These words soon became a worship song because of the consistency and passion with which he often said it. Trust youths to be very funny, whenever he came up to preach or give an exhortation, regardless of the topic for the day, we all shouted "keep the bed undefiled".

As much as I grew up knowing that pre-marital sex was wrong, nobody ever told me what to do to prevent it from happening. The secondary school warning from my mum that "if you go near a man, you will get pregnant" had proven to be false and I was now on my own. I had to figure this out somehow. I couldn't talk to any member of my fellowship about it because they all felt it wasn't a matter to be discussed.

Not sure of what to do and how to act when I was alone with a guy, I decided to avoid it by all means. I told myself that "it is better to stay away from men altogether than to get close and permit unexplainable acts". I stayed away from getting into a relationship and avoided talking to my male friends for too long. But for how long was I going to run away from men because of the fear of how to handle them? Was I not interested in getting married? And if I was, won't I need to get into a relationship first? Many people had shown interest in me but I ran with the speed of light as soon as they made their intentions known.

Continuing with this avoidance spirit was becoming annoying not just to my male friends but also to me. I felt a deep sensation when I was with a particular friend of mine but because of all that I had learnt both from Church and my fellowship, I began to bind and cast this feeling. "It must be the devil trying to make me feel this way." I thought to myself and the binding and casting increased as a result of this thought. Little did I know that it was okay to feel that way but not to awaken it until the time is ripe. I began to wonder why the devil was making me feel this way and so to avoid such feelings, I decided to stay away from this friend whom it appeared the devil was using.  

But was staying away the ideal thing and was it sustainable?

To be continued...

Anonymous

Thanks for stopping by.  God bless you real good 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

IT JUST CAN'T WORK!

We had a short (2) series on open relationships and some people sent messages to me expressing their negative views on open relationships. Ifeanyi did the same as we can see here and here for those who missed the last two write-ups.

The thought and implication behind open relationships is actually not advisable for anyone at all. Like someone said "Why will I be in a relationship and be hoping for another relationship?". This is so profound as to what an open relationship implies. You're currently in a relationship but because you do not know whether or not the person you're in that relationship with is seeing someone else or considering someone else, vice versa - you have to also hope for a better person. 

I'm not sure how people do this but it's not healthy. Open relationships should be frowned upon for the following reasons:

1. It breaks commitment - It makes it okay for people to double date or double relate (lol just thought about this one) which in itself is extremely wrong. You need to be in a relationship with one person and it should be exclusive. If you can't handle the commitment to one person that a relationship requires, then don't get into one or break up from the one you're in. Also if you can't stay committed to a relationship, what would occur when you get married?Check this!

2. Trust is non-existent: You can't tell me that you trust someone you're in an open relationship with. The person is permitted to consider and be in a relationship with another person/people while with you and so you'll have to keep thinking and over-thinking and this doesn't make sense. In fact, the person can even get married while still open-relationship zoning you. You don't want to spend all the time you're with this person thinking of whether or not he/she has now found another person they like. It's not worth it please!

Quite frankly, you can tell that I am against open relationships as it is very very unnecessary in my opinion. Please don't offer this to anyone and do not accept it from anyone. Anyone who suggests this doesn't love you and in the first place is very selfish. Why can't they stay committed to you? Why must they keep checking for other options and then dump you?

This is applicable to both male and female and not just one gender. Neither a female nor male should suggest open relationships. It is highly disrespectful and unnecessary. If you can't continue with a relationship anymore and for whatever reason, please politely break up. Don't deceive the next person or yourself!

Thanks for stopping by.  See you next week by God's grace.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown 

OPEN RELATIONSHIP - YAY OR NAY? 2

 

Tolu and Ifeanyi ate to their fill and then it was time to talk about the reason for the meet-up in a very nice place that they had never been to before (or that Ifeanyi had never been to).

Tolu: "I'll be traveling to America in the next three months and I'll like us to decide what we want to do with our relationship... " 

Ifeanyi: Wait, I don't understand. I know you had talked about your desire to travel to the US but when did you make arrangements and why am I just getting to know about it?

Tolu: Babe I'm sorry about that. Things happened really fast and I didn't want to inform you when I wasn't sure that it would go through. But now that I'm almost sure it'll be successful, I'm letting you know

Ifeanyi: Okay, fine...not that I forgive you but let's talk about the other statement you made. What do you mean by we need to decide what we want to do with our relationship? Do you want to breakup with me?

Tolu: No I wouldn't do that to you Ifeanyi but I've been thinking about a lot and just wanted to here your opinion about this. So now, how do we go about this?

Ifeanyi: Well, like we've been handling it...We put in efforts to make the relationship work...That's the only way I know we can go about our relationship. 

Tolu: Fair point. But I was wondering if we could actually leave the relationship open. We are still together but then if we find someone that we love, we date the person and later on when I get back, if you're  still available we get or plan to get married.

Ifeanyi: Did you just suggest an open relationship to me? Gosh! I can't believe this. What! What! What or who do you take me for? So I'll be here trying different relationships while remaining in the relationship with you and if I'm still single when you... Infact, just go Tolu! I can't believe you'll say this to me!

Tolu: Babe it's not like that. I actually never thought you'll object to it...

Ifeanyi: Stop talking Tolu! Please stop! It's okay, I wish you all the best in all you do. Three months is still a long time but it's over between us right now. There's no reason waiting till it's time for you to go. We can as well just break up now. 

(Ifeanyi walks out of the classy Restaurant really heartbroken).

I'll really like to know your views on open relationships. Please drop them below 👇👇👇👇👇👇

Thank you so much for stopping by and God bless you. Have a fantastic week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

OPEN RELATIONSHIP - YAY OR NAY?

 

Tolu and Ifeanyi were in a relationship for two years and things were pretty smooth between them. Ifeanyi really had plans in her heart to get married to Tolu because he was all she wanted in a guy. However, Tolu had not said anything in that light. He loved her (well so he proclaimed) but marriage wasn't something he was ready for.

Ifeanyi was really hopeful and nothing was going to change that. She was sure that Tolu would bring up this important topic and that they'll begin to plan 'their' wedding.

One Friday night, Tolu called Ifeanyi up and said that he had something to discuss with her. Was she going to be served breakfast? No it couldn't be. Their relationship was going well and there was no reason for that to happen. Was she going to get proposed to? Well as much as she really wanted this, she wasn't sure this was about to happen. 

Tolu sent the address for the meet-up to Ifeanyi and it was a lounge that she had never heard of or been to before. This made her more suspicious (at least she was sure that it was something good). She left work really excited about their meet-up. They met often on Fridays but they usually went to regular hangout spots. This one seemed special so she got all glammed up for the occasion.

Ifeanyi arrived at the venue before Tolu but she didn't mind. She sat down and had time to take pictures because the place was really fanciful and classy. Tolu called after one hour that he was running late but Ifeanyi took no offence. She kept having fun and even met other people as well.

Tolu was getting really late and Ifeanyi had gotten tired. The only thing that would make her happy was if the meet-up was a proposal. Hopefully she was right.

Finally, Tolu appeared. He was really sorry about the delay. He apologized and said that he was stuck in traffic even though he also couldn't leave the office early. At this time, Ifeanyi was tired and really just wanted to hear what he had to say. But Tolu being Tolu got her out of the anger mode and they ate and drank to their fill.

To be continued...

OneLove,

SomzyBrown