HOW DO I SPOT RED FLAGS? 2

Hello beautiful people and welcome back to our blog. Thank you so much for reading and sharing with your friends. I can't thank you enough for all your support. 

Last week, we began talking about the fact that many people are unable to spot red flags or determine what's wrong in their relationship. We shall continue with this this week and I hope that you learn a lot from it.

 3. When they are emotionally reckless on a regular basis:  Now I am not talking about a once in a year thing, I mean every single week he or she has an emotional break down. Please beware! Someone told me "I saw during our courtship when ever we played table tennis, he hits the bat on the table,  and gets angry, he punches the wall every single week" but she overlooked it. Heads up! At some point, you might become the wall. So address the mess, this is a red flag here. MAKE SURE THERE IS A CONVERSATION BEFORE A CONSUMMATION!! 

4. They cut off their good and godly close friends just to be with you and they expect you to do the same… heads up! They tell you..."We are  going to stop all our godly friends from coming close to us". Infact they stop you from going to church or home cell, and they just want it to be all about them. For instance, I have people who were my friends before marriage and who are still my friends till now and the same applies to my husband. Imagine that I had to cut off these good people because of him or he had to cut off his friends because of me, it wouldn't have been nice. A healthy relationship should not isolate you from godly friends, instead it should respect and nurture godly relationships. You will need to take a deep thought and address this if it applies to you.

5. They worship the narcissistic trinity of 'me, myself and I: During conversations, you'll notice that everything is all about them, they never listen to you or your feelings. HEAD UP! So he or she always has a lot to say about himself/herself and doesn’t even bother to ask you about you... you keep doing the talking about yourself and you know nothing about them - this is a red flag. Have a conversation, the relationship is supposed to be balanced. It has to be about you both and not about one person. Don’t sweep it under the rug and think it will disappear when you get married. Please address the mess!

6. They never apologise or admit they are wrong: Now this is a big one, if he/she can't say sorry for talking to you like that, or he/she says "that is not a big deal just let it go", or they say "you are just being overly sensitive, get over it"…please hold on. If the pride or ego in them wont let them say sorry that is a red flag. 

7. Their parents are overly involved in every decision they take: this is a serious red flag! You are 28 or older and your mum and dad are still making decisions for you, then it means that you are still a bouncing baby boy/girl. I am not saying that you can't ask for wisdom or advice from your parents, ofcourse you can! But please you're old enough to take certain steps and decisions and they shouldn't control and decide everything for you. Shine your eyes friends!

Mosope Benson

Thank you so much for stopping by, God bless you real good. 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

HOW DO I SPOT RED FLAGS?

Red flags are issues or situations in a relationship that require immediate attention and should not be overlooked. While some people are quick to recognise what is right or wrong in their relationship or with the person they are in a relationship with, some others are slow to recognise such things. Today, I'll be sharing some tips shared by a Sister (Mosopefoluwa Benson) on Recognizing Red Flags and I really hope that you learn a thing or two from it.

Recognizing a red flag is very key because it helps you decide or know when to get out of a relationship. In order to be able to spot these red flags, three things must happen:                                                                                      

• You must have a ear to hear. Even Jesus said that some listen to the message but they can’t hear because of their religious hearts, so they go to church, engage in all sorts but do not 'hear' anything. You have to be sure about what God is saying about that relationship you're in and you must be willing to act. 

• You must have Eyes to see. There are some people who go around with a covering on their face, they go into blind dates, blind friendships, blind marriage and they just cannot or do not see anything about themselves or their partners. But we are in a time where we can't afford to have our eyes covered, we've got to wake up and see what is happening so as to address the mess we may be in.

• A heart to receive. Your heart needs to be flexible and mold-able to detect a red flag - not a rocky heart that is not willing to receive. In other words, if your heart is rocky (i.e. you're strong hearted), you can’t learn anything, you will always have everything figured out, and we see a lot of these in counselling. People get into trouble because they have a stony heart and the only thing that can soften their heart is the word of God. 

Having established the abilities you need to successfully spot a red flag, the following are RED FLAGS to take note of:

1. They (the person you're in a relationship with) act really embarrassed in public when they are around you. So you hear things like "lets just keep it secret", "I am not going to post you on any of my social media pages, not even on my WhatsApp status", "let's not tell anyone we are dating, it is just between you and I"… and this goes on for a very long time. They won't tell anyone about you but you are eager to tell everyone about them and they keep saying you should keep it secret. This is a red flag!
2. S/he treats you in an extra sweet manner but treats every other person differently. So he slapped the waiter because of you, she insulted the taxi man because of you, he insulted his mum because of you, he punched the laundry man because of you… guess what he will punch you in two years time. S/he is so sweet to you but watch out for how he or she treats everyone else besides you. 

To be continued...

Thank you so much for stopping by. We hope to see you next week. Have a blessed week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

NO ONE CAN LOVE YOU LIKE YOU DO!

Julie had struggled with self esteem for a while and finally decided to get into a relationship with James because she thought it would be good for someone like her ("ugly" in her words) to be with a handsome and good looking man. She relied so much on James for compliments and good talks and when they were not forthcoming she felt terrible. She hung in there despite her unhappiness.

James on the other hand got into this relationship not out of love but because he didn't want to disappoint Julie. She had thrown herself around him so much that he was forced to be in the relationship with her. In his words "I am just managing her..."

We all (yes every single person) have an area in our body/life that we are uncomfortable with or that needs a change but guess what? Some people have found a way around it and made it their strong point and instead of allowing that make them make wrong relationship choices, they believe in themselves and believe the right person would love them for who they are.

If it's an area that you can change, not by surgery or any 'strange' act, maybe a behavioral pattern that is bad or a character flaw or by engaging in exercises, then please go ahead but if it's not something within your power, embrace it and love yourself like no one can.

Getting into a relationship is good and desirable but getting into it as a confident person and a person that believes in him/herself is more desirable. We need to stop relying on people to complement us (even though the feeling is good)! We need to first believe in ourselves and take time to complement ourselves - Such that even when we do not receive any complements, we are fine and can rest in that assurance.

I really hope you've learnt one or two things. Thanks a bunch for stopping by and we hope to see you next week. God bless you and have a blessed week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

YOU CAN'T ERASE PROBLEMS...

How many of us believe that getting married to the right one for us is key? Hmmmm... yeah, I surely do as well. 

How many of us believe that because we prayed, fasted and even saw a vision/had a dream that this is the man or woman to get married to, all will be smooth, clean and safe? Erm...

Let me burst your bubbles. I believe in getting it right because this in itself saves you from a lot of problems but does getting it right mean that there won't be issues? Far from it! There will be issues but it depends on how you decide to manage it.  

One resolution that you must make with your spouse or fiance is that no matter what happens, you guys will work it out. I remember a particular couple and they were asked what the other person could do which would make the offendee seek a divorce, the man said nothing and so did the woman. Obviously there are certain cases or situations that may require you to be apart from your spouse but this shouldn't be the first thing that comes to your mind when an issue occurs.

Please do not join the group of people that already go into marriage with a 'divorce mentality'. If you do, you will call for it even  at the slightest issue.

Let me tell you something - I know of someone who at certain times would put up her husband's picture even when theye've just had a quarrel. After enquires, she said she does this to constantly remind herself not to celebrate him only when things are good but even when they are having a hard time understanding each other. Someone else might see this and say "Awww they are so cute. I doubt if they ever have any issues". They do! Yes, they do! Please do not be deceived by all the glam. But the good thing is that they care about each other and they look for ways to settle their issues amicably.

Back to the point I raised earlier, there will always be issues and you must be willing to settle such issues. These issues occur because you are from separate backgrounds, have different histories and were brought up by different parents and in different ways. Even siblings quarrel despite the fact that they were brought up by the same parents, not to talk of someone else. 

Irrespective of where or how you got your wife or husband, be it on the mountain, in the sea, after 40 days fasting, there will be misunderstandings but as we said earlier you must make up your mind to resolve these issues except they are life threatening problems. You cannot erase problems but you can make efforts to settle issues amicably.

Thanks for stopping by, we hope to see you next week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

COMPATIBILITY IS KEY! 2

Last week, I introduced us to a write-up that was shared with me and I shared 3 out of the 6 mates that the author analysed. This week, I would continue with the remaining mates and I would like to state again that although the write-up is from an unknown author, a few words have been added by my humble self.

...

MARRY YOUR SPENDING MATE: It is adviceable not to get married to someone that is stingy because there are so many expenses to cater for in marriage. A stingy guy in courtship would not suddenly become a generous husband in marriage. Also please do not get married to a lady that has the financial philosophy of 'My husband's money is our money, but my money is my money'. Get married to someone that believes in dignity of labour and is ready to work. Do not get married to a lazy fellow who just wants to be a consumer and not a contributor. Get married to someone who is ready to spend and be spent on (this goes both ways). This definitely would help in the growth and success of the family. 

Also it is important to get married to someone that has the same or similar financial philosophy as you do. For example, if you believe in saving or investing a certain amount of money, you should be diligent enough to discover whether or not your partner to be has the same philosophy. Another example is - if you believe in giving and your spouse to be does not, this might become an issue unless you are able to sort it out in some way. If he or she is willing to learn, you will discover after engaging him or her in certain discussions. As it is often said, money is one of the major issues in marriage and you need to be on the same or similar page with your spouse when it comes to issues surrounding finances as well as other important things.

MARRY YOUR SEX MATE: Please get married to someone you have sexual feelings for (i.e. you are attracted to). Sexual feeling is not a sin but the act before marriage is a sin. It is an instinct God put in every person. Sex plays a major role in the success of any marriage. Do not get married to any man/woman that you do not have emotional feelings for. Such feeling or attraction might take time to grow for some people but make sure it is in existence before you commit to getting married to him/her. A spiritual being is also a sexual being. No matter how spiritual you both may be in your marriage, you won't be praying for 24 hours in a day. You won't be reading the Bible or worshipping God 24/7. You will have sex! You will engage in romance! You will flirt with each other! You will make babies. So, get married to someone you can connect with sexually. It will help you enjoy your marriage so much! Feeling is different from the act!!! Do not misinterpret this please. Someone once asked: "does your body move when you see Miss B?" Your body should move, it shows attraction but you shouldn't move your body to do anything extra if you get what I mean.

MARRY YOUR SOCIAL MATE: Please do not get married to someone that you would not be proud to go out with. Don't get married to a person that you will be shy to introduce to  your parents, family members or friends. Get married to someone that you are comfortable to hang out with. Get married to the man or woman that you are socially compatible with. There's a story of a man who got married to a woman that he could not take with him to certain functions. He was a top person in his profession but the fear that his wife might be called upon to give an impromptu speech or engage in certain conversations that he knew she could not engage in made him ashamed to take her out. You might ask why he got married to her but that's for him to answer.

You might be wondering - "Is it possible to find all the 'mates' in one person?" The answer is YES! You don't need to get married to  6 guys/ladies to have all these mates. One person can be all that for you. If you also work on yourself and build your life, you can be all that for the guy/lady that will get married to you.

The promise of God for you is this : 'Seek and read from the book of the LORD: Not one of these shall be missing; none shall be without her mate. For the mouth of the LORD has commanded, and his Spirit has gathered them.' (Isaiah 34:16).

Say it loud and clear ' I shall not lack a mate!

Please let me state here that these different mates are not independent of each other and they are also not exhaustive. What this means is that you cannot say that because you are attracted to Mr. A, you have to get married to him. Attraction is just one of the many things to put into consideration and attraction alone is insufficient. Also you cannot say that because Miss B is a Christian and of the same spiritual background as you, then that's all that matters. No sir! No ma! (This is one topic that we would discuss soon)

The most important check you need is the check with God and then these mates (together) can be checked and other things that are important to you.

Thank you so much for stopping by and I hope you have been impacted by this write-up. We hope to see you next week. 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown