WHY MEN DON'T LIKE TO SAY IT FIRST...

Being in a relationship was not something Temiloluwa was ready for. Although she had many guys on her case, she always told them that she was not ready. She met Opeyemi during a program and they got talking. Opeyemi thereafter requested that they become friends and she was so cool with him because he was different from the guys who just wanted to be in a relationship with her.  After 2 years of being friends, he told her of his interest and that he wanted her to be his wife. 

For the many people who knew, Temiloluwa had never been in a relationship with anyone. Their friendship  became really deep and it became clear that Temiloluwa was going to accept to be with Opeyemi. The moment Temi said yes to Ope, he could not keep it to himself. He told everyone about how excited he was because the girl he really loved had agreed to get into a relationship with him. Ope without wasting any time, introduced Temi to his parents and they were more than happy to have her as a future daughter in-law. 

Temiloluwa and Opeyemi had gotten really deep in their relationship and had in fact addressed a lot of things. Ope told Temi that his intention was to get married to her because he was sure that she was the right person for him and Temi was excited about this as well. The love between these two was sincere and real and everyone around them could tell that they were a perfect bunch.

Three years had gone bye and they were still as lovey dovey as they were when they began the relationship. They had grown, become more fond of each other and they seemed to talk about everything. Opeyemi was an introvert but also a very handsome boy. There was just something about him that attracted a lot of girls to him. Although Temi was not insecure (she had a lot of male friends and toasters as well), she adviced him to be careful and not to get carried away with the love and attention he was getting from these girls.

In their fourth year, Temi began to notice some changes in Ope. He had stopped doing the things that he used to do in the first three years of their relationship. She noticed that she was no longer a priority and this really got her upset. She decided to talk to him about it but he wasn't willing to agree that he had changed.

To be continued ...

Thanks for for stopping by, we hope to see you soon. 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown 

"THE THINKING PROCESS"

Dorcas and Gabriel are two lovely and wonderful people. In fact, mere taking a look at them, you can almost tell that they were made for each other. They love each other so much and to a large extent, they understand themselves. However something seems to be of great concern to Dorcas. Dorcas is an introvert but when she gets very comfortable with a person, it would amaze you, the amount of words that can come out of her mouth. All women or almost all women like attention but women who are introverts have been shown to seek more attention and this is because their spouses become the only person they feel they can talk to about any and almost everything.

Dorcas always wants to and in fact looks forward to talking to Gabriel but Gabriel takes his time to respond to her (I.e. he doesn't respond in a way that she would expect him to). She does not understand why he has to go quiet whenever she is talking to him. Sometimes he acts like he is not listening and then after a few minutes, he responds to what she has said at which time Dorcas would have moved on from what she said. Dorcas feels Gabriel ignores her a lot especially when she needs his attention and she is very unhappy about it. She has tried speaking to him about it but whenever she does, he says "I do not and will never ignore you, its just that many times, it takes a while to process the information you have given". This does not make sense to Dorcas and she does not know what to do.

This takes me to the question: how many ladies hear this statement a lot of times "I need to process what you just said." "I need time to think" or "I am listening to you why don't you believe me?"

Although some of us think that men are just being really funny or dramatic when they make the above statements but really, that is the way they are wired. Is it very annoying to talk to someone about something and wait for donkey years for his response to come? Yes! But is that the way men are wired? Yes! So what do we do?

We need to understand first of all that the same way women are different from men is the exact same way men are different from women. Lots of things run through the mind of a man and as much as he might be listening to you, he is processing the information in order for him to come up with the best response. This is who they are and we need to be understanding.

Also men, you need to try to reduce this processing period. It is not all everything that she tells you that really requires you to go through the thinking process. Please let us strike a balance so that your woman does not get the impression that she is not important.

Thank you so much for stopping by. We hope to see you next week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

THE "NOTHING" SYNDROME 2

 

In this relationship journey, it is highly important for us to understand certain things. Last week, we talked about one statement that a lot of ladies and women make even when it is glaring that there is something wrong, they say "nothing, I am fine".

Sometimes while it might be a tactic to get the man to ask the question (i.e. "what is wrong") so many times which to her would show that he really cares (don't ask me why), other times, she does not know what exactly is wrong with her and that's the reason she says nothing is wrong. Another thing is that most ladies tend to become really vulnerable with their spouses (more than men do) and in a bit to shy away from this vulnerability or make the man know that they can handle things by themselves, they hide under the shadow of saying "Nothing". To them, this is being strong. 

I will share my personal story: 

So I am a lady and definitely, I have got the "Nothing" syndrome (smiles). Sometimes I am tired and frustrated about certain things but because I do not want to be seen as being weak or as someone who is incapable of managing certain things or as someone who nags, I keep it to myself and decide to say "Nothing..." . I have a lot of nice and caring people around me but whenever anyone asks me for what is wrong, I say "Nothing!". I did not realise how annoying this attitude was and is to men until one day he shouted at me: "What exactly is the problem? Why would you be going through something and refuse to talk, how would it be so obvious that something is wrong with you and when you are asked, you say nothing" He said. I kept mute and still wasn't ready or willing to say what was wrong. This got him really upset but I could not be asked.

Now, my brother and I have lived together for a while and in his opinion or thought, we are close and should have gone past the stage of forcing each other to talk. This is true to be honest but it has nothing to do with closeness and this is one thing that men neee to understand. When a lady refuses to talk, it's not because she doesn't trust you or doesn't consider herself close to you.

Back to the story- my brother had gotten really upset and could not hide his feelings anymore. His annoyance is or was understandable because he was really concerned about me. I have since then made efforts to consciously work on it. I think I am better now even though I still say "nothing..." a few times. 

I shared this story to let you know how men see this issue and to inform you that we are all in this together but we can make the decision to consciously work on speaking out (at least to someone that is trustworthy) when there is a problem.

Men as said last week, you need to be patient. Everyone is a work in progress. It would take some level of patience on your part to understand that sometimes your wife or girlfriend is not intentionally making you suffer by leaving you in the dark on what is wrong with her. Also please, when she decides to talk about it, please I beg you, do not judge or talk down on her like saying " so that's what you could not say" or "Why can't you be strong " because this might make her regret coming out of the "Nothing syndrome" cos if she hadn't, you would not have spoken to her that way or in her opinion, "judged her". 

Thanks for stopping by, we hope to see you next week. Next week, we would address one act that men do a lot. You can make an attempt at guessing.

OneLove

SomzyBrown

THE "NOTHING" SYNDROME

I am in a relationship with this beautiful and lovely girl who seemed perfect when we first met. I love her so much but there is a problem that I am unable to understand. She seems to always be in a mood and so far she has only shared few moments of happiness with me. I am concerned about her and I always think there is something wrong with her so I try to help her get out of it. I have done everything within my power to help her come out of it but there is another problem. Everytime I try to ask what the problem is or what exactly she is going through, she either gives me a silent treatment or says "nothing... "

"Nothing" has been a continuous response from Jumoke and the most annoying thing ever. How do you help someone come out of something that you know nothing about? At numerous times I have shown and asked for what the problem is but each time, I got no response. I thought I had gained her trust and that she could talk to me about anything. Also, we are in a relationship, so she should trust me right?? Am I not allowed to know what my girlfriend is going through? She constantly gets into a mood and if I am being sincere, it is tiring. In fact, I am tired!

I am not a mind reader so how will I be able to help or sympathise with her when I am lost and clueless as to what the problem with my girlfriend is. She appears to expect a lot more from me. She expects me to know that when she is in a mood of different shapes and sizes, she has lost something dear to her or someone made jest of her or she just saw a result which is discouraging etc. The question is: am I a magician? No, I am not. Sometimes I think it is because she is tired of me or the relationship but then I don't even know because she never says what the problem is.

NB: Guys, a lady would most times say nothing is wrong when something is wrong and this is a mystery that I also do not understand. However, many times when she says there's nothing wrong, it might just take a little soft heartedness and patience to get her to talk. As ladies, we know that we say this but we do not want to be judged when we do because we believe "That's the way we are". However, the only constant thing is change so this is a problem that every lady needs to work on.

Ladies, please we all need to note that men are not mind readers. We need to voice out (not rudely) when we need one thing or the other from our spouses or when we are going through a bad experience. This is one major issue that many men have with their spouses. The ladies expect the men to know what is wrong with them even when they have not given a hint and the man is there thinking about what he might have done to her and wondering why she would not tell him about whatever she is going through.

To be continued...

Thanks for stopping by and we hope to see you next week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown 

THE PRINCIPLE OF "SINCERITY"

The principle of "sincerity" has to do with being open to your spouse about certain things. If you know that there is something which is very important to your spouse and you do not have it and it is not visible for him or her to see, you should inform him or her about it. If you are scared that s/he would not get married to you if s/he knows about that thing, you might end up losing him/her because s/he will discover someday and you will lose your trust in his/her sight.

Transparency is highly important even if you think the other person will leave you for another. Whoever loves you will love you even with your past, and with your mistakes. If someone decides to leave you because of a past occurrence that you also regret, do not be bitter and do not judge them, it just means that they are unable to cope with such past. The truth is that there is someone who will decide to be with you regardless of your past so the fear that one person would leave you is not a sufficient reason to lie or hide the truth. Trust me, someone better than the one you think you will lose (by being sincere) is on the way for you. 

There's a story of a lady who told the man  who had promised to get married to her, that she could not give birth as she had been told by a doctor. He decided to break up with her because children are very important to him and he was not ready to risk his life by getting married to this lady and not being able to have children that he can call his own. When some people heard the reason for which he left her, they blamed the lady seriously. They blamed her for being too open. Her mum was so disappointed and said to her "why did you do such a thing? Why did you allow that man go? I have warned you to learn to close your mouth. You did not have to tell him that the doctors said you won't be able to give birth. No body will get married to you if you continue this way. You have chased all of them away with your big mouth..." 

Ada tried to explain to her mum that she did what she did to save herself and her future from any form of stress. She had heard of marriages that ended up in a divorce because one party lied about something important to the other and she really did not want her case to be like that. However, her mum would not understand. To her mum and other close friends, she really did not have to expose herself or her problem to someone she intends to get married to.

Although it is not the easiest of things to be open about certain things that hurt you but it is very necessary especially for those who have made the decision to or intend to get married to you. What some people fail to understand is that the future of a man's life is not far fetched, it would soon catch up with him/her. Hence the reason you should not hide anything. What you're hiding would be revealed soon so please be sincere and do not take pleasure in hiding anything from your spouse or spouse to be.

When a marriage is built on deception or insincerity, fear becomes inevitable in the life of the other partner because s/he would be unsure as to what else you have lied about or hidden from him/her.

In conclusion, please be as sincere as possible to your spouse. Do not pretend to have or not have what you know is important to him/her. You might lose him/her but it is better to lose now than  to lose in marriage.

Thank you so much for stopping by, we hope to see you next week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.