HOW DID I GET HERE??? 2

Glory to God, Mary got better. She got back to herself and I was really excited. We had talked about getting married and had told family members about it but we had to take things slowly when she fell ill. Now that she was better, I decided that it was time to go ahead with our marriage plans.

Plans kicked off in full gear a few months later and it was exciting to plan our wedding together. We were full of joy, so full of joy that everyone around us could tell that we were meant to be a couple. We picked a date and looked forward to this date. A day before this date that we picked, Mary fell seriously ill again. She was in so much pain that she could barely speak. She had to be hospitalised and I took days off work to be with her. 

I stayed with her for a few weeks and on the day that we hoped she was going to be discharged, it appeared things got worse and the only words she could mutter was "I am sorry! I am sorry!..." and she closed her eyes and slept off.

"What was Mary sorry about? Why was she apologising to me? Was there something she knew that I didn't know of? Had she decided to be with someone else after all we had been through and even plans to get married?" These were some of the thoughts running through my head. I wanted to wake her up but then I remembered the Doctor had told me that she needed a lot of rest. As a result of the pain she was going through, Mary had not been sleeping well and so I allowed her sleep anytime it came freely and without pills. 

This time was different,  I wanted to wake her up to enable her explain why she was apologizing to me. Mary was perfect in my eyes and even if she had done anything wrong, I was going to forgive her. I really desired to spend my whole life with her. I stayed in the room with her head on my hand and I also slept off. "We need to examine her..." said the Doctor and that was when I realized that I had slept off. 

I left the ward and allowed the medical professions perform their duty. I waited for some hours to be informed to go back inside. When it was taking too long, I decided to go inquire on what was going on.

To be continued...

Thanks a lot for stopping by. Hope to see you soon. God bless you.

OneLove, 

SomzyBrown 

HOW DID I GET HERE???

I AM TIRED!!!

I AM FED UP!!!

I used to be a very happy person. I enjoyed being with my friends and loved ones and everyone always referred to me as "the life of the party". I was always willing to be there for people and I could literally sacrifice anything for anyone. I was full of life and many good things.

But guess what?

I am no longer that person and I know it. Few friends have been bold enough to tell me that I have changed and that something definitely isn't right with me. I know this but I have chosen to ignore. I am not exactly sure how I got here but I really miss me. I miss the happy, joyful, sweet, pleasant and lovely me. I have tried to think back as to what went wrong but I've not really been able to lay my hand on it. 

Oh yes, maybe I remember...

Being the friendly person that I am, I gave my all to people I did not know (I.e. strangers) so you can imagine how I treated those I loved. I loved Jennifer so much but for one reason or the other, things did not work out. I was hurt and broken but later on figured that it was part of life and moved on. A few months after this, I met Mary. 

Mary was so perfect. She was the absolute best and everyone close to me confirmed this. She was indeed an answer to prayers. We had so many things in common and I was so grateful to God for bringing her my way. Mary was an answer to my deep felt prayers. 

We had dated for about a year when Mary fell ill. She fell seriously ill that I got really scared. We went to the hospital and kept being transferred from one hospital to another. We knew this was not normal so we prayed against it and kept confessing her healing.

To be continued...

 

PREVENT IT BEFORE IT BECOMES TOO LATE.

Genotype discussion is a serious one and it should not be taken for granted. It is quite sad that as important as this topic is, many people shy away from it or even underate it. Growing up, my dad gave my siblings and I strict warnings about this. He knew the implications both from personal experience and those of others. 

A lot of people have waited till a time when it was too late to ask about genotype and guess what? The response they got led to premium tears. It had become too late because they had invested so much in the relationship and it was extremely difficult to let go of the guy or the lady. Some as a result of the feelings and emotions already invested, decided to go on with the relationship/wedding because they could not afford to start afresh. 

Some people with AC/AS genotype have gotten married to people with same genotype and have been lucky not to have children with SS or SC but we can't rely on luck cos some children are in serious crisis because of this same decision by their parents. If it can be avoided, if you can prevent a child from wailing and being filled with regret on being brought to this to suffer based on a decision you made which could have been avoided, then please take this issue seriously. 

It's not easy to let go of someone you truly love just because of genotype but genotype incompatibility is a strong enough reason to let go. This is why I would suggest talking about this before you get too deep and start catching feelings. It is important for both parties to be aware of their genotypes and to figure out whether they can continue the friendship, start the relationship or stop right there.

Thanks for stopping by and I really hope you've learned a thing or two. God bless you and have a blessed week. 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown 

MY GENOTYPE IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS!

Bunmi and George met through a mutual friend and George was really interested in getting into a relationship with Bunmi. Before he was introduced to Bunmi, George was in a relationship with Michelle. He loved her so much and had plans to get married to her. However,  just before he made his marriage plans known to Michelle, he figured out that she had a genotype that was incompatible with his. 

This discovery was so painful that he could not get over it for more than a year. It affected him terribly and so he vowed that such would never occur again. Based on George's past experience (Michelle), He did not want to get emotionally attached to Bunmi before discovering whether they were compatible genotype wise and so he brought up the question during one of their discussions.

Bunmi got really upset about this and George  could not understand why it was a big deal. "Would you rather we get into each other only to discover that we are not compatible genotype wise?" George asked. "Well no, but I just don't think it is the right time to ask..." replied Bunmi.

"I am sorry Bunmi but I don't intend to waste your time and the sooner I am sure that genotype would not be a hindrance to us getting married,  the better for me..." Said George

Many people have expressed different concerns about the issue of Genotype. While some think it is not an issue to be discussed immediately you meet someone, others think it is better to get that sorted right away before you 'catch' feelings (I.e. get emotionally attached) and realise that you cannot be with the person you really want to be with.

What's your idea or opinion on genotype? Is it a question that should be asked before you start a relationship at all? Is it too sensitive an issue and as such a no go area? Should people wait till a certain time in their relationship before they talk about it or trash it right at the beginning? 

Please we will appreciate your thoughts and comments on this.

Thank you so much for stopping by.  God bless you. Have a fantastic week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown 

SUGAR MUMMY/DADDY VIBES.

"No! No! No! Please don't tell me that you intend to get into a relationship with that man. Please don't say that I beg you!" Said Tricia

"I've always known you to be smart so yes that's what I intend to do. Do you have a problem with that Tricia?" Stephanie responded angrily.

"Of course I have a problem with that Stephanie. Why on earth would you decide to get involved with a married man? There are still good single men out there so why must it be someone that is married? Please leave someone's husband alone!"

"Miss Adviser, thank you very much for the advice but I'm sorry, this advice cannot fly. I have made up my mind and I will do just what I want to do. Maybe you can ask the single men that are available why they are not coming around because I cannot keep waiting. I've waited for too long and I'm done. Even the ones that are available are not mature so what are we then saying?

"I know waiting could be hard, tiring and difficult but Stephanie, I do not think that the solution to this is being with a married man. Morals aside, what if his wife finds out? Also if marriage is the desired place, are you saying that you will get married to him? How will you feel if you were married and someone did this to you?

"I haven't said that Tricia but all I know is that I love this man and I'm not going to allow you or his wife take him away from me."

...

A lot has been said about this topic and to be honest, it is a painful thing to go through. Some people (ladies and men) do not think there's anyhing wrong in getting into a relationship with a married person. I'm not here to sugarcoat anything - IT IS WRONG! 

There is a reason why they are married and it is not in your place to destroy anyone's marriage even if they appear to be having a rough time. You will get married some day and I'm sure you won't be happy to hear that someone is messing around with your spouse. 

If he or she is married, please leave him or her alone. Although it could be tempting, there's no tenable reason to get into a relationship with a married person. Even if they promise the whole world to you, please do not yield to this temptation.

Furthermore, I always advice that if you have a friend of the opposite sex that is married, you need to give him or her some space. If you feel you missed out on such person, I'm sorry about that but you cannot change the fact that they are married. If you want to remain close friends with such person, wisdom is profitable to direct. One wise thing that you can do is to get close to the spouse. However, no matter what, do not be the reason for a marriage to break-up.

Married men and women please also leave the single guys and ladies alone. Stay faithful to your spouse, please and please.

Thank you so much for stopping by and I hope to see you again next week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

I WILL NEVER DOUBT 'ME' AGAIN!

 I was beginning to lose myself because I felt unworthy. Every where I turned, every thing I did, every word I said - none seemed to make sense or be appreciated. Each time I tried my best, I heard echoes of whispers telling me how bad and terrible I was. This made me doubt myself. 

 This made me question the little good I thought existed in me. I questioned the compliments i had ever received because I got contradicting words from the ones I really thought or expected to be on my side. All of these almost led to depression. I began to lose myself and lose my confidence. I began to see myself as less than i really am. I allowed discouraging words from people (who were probably envious of me) defeat me. I stayed in this down position for a while.

Until one day, I heard a voice that spoke words to me - these words countered all the negative words I had heard or accepted. I suddenly realised what I had done to myself - I could have countered these words with the right words. I knew I wasn't all that people had made me feel I was but I lacked the courage to counter these words. 

After hearing this voice, I Began to say nice and wonderful things to myself. I soon realised that it wasn't all about what people had said or not said about me but what I knew about myself. There's room for improvement. Oh, yes there is! and this applies to everyone because no one is perfect. But while I'm working on and improving myself, I am also going to love myself and be comfortable not just in my skin and personality but in who I am. 

I will love me because only when I have succeeded at this will I be able to love someone else. I'm not going to lose myself because of the words I have heard, especially terrible ones that put me in a place of doubt about myself and who I am in the real sense of it. 

People will always have opinions but I need to be careful not to allow these things affect me or make me change or even get me depressed. Enough is enough! I will take note of the areas that need improvement in my life and work on them but never again will I put myself in a position of depression. Never again will I allow people's words weigh me down! Never again will I feel like I am not enough!

I know who I am and I won't doubt it anymore.

Anonymous  

I hope you were encouraged! Life throws a lot at us but we have to stand strong cos if we don't, we lose ourselves. Loving you is important so please work on it! Never doubt yourself!

Thanks for stopping by.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown 

HOW CAN WE MAKE IT WORK??

Last week, we began an interesting topic on long distance relationships and we shall dive right into it today. Although I have been in a long distance relationship before, I wouldn't say that I am an expert at this. I have worked on a few tips that I believe might help people in long distance relationships but I am pretty sure there are more. Please note that this is something I have written on before but based on popular demand,  I had to bring it up again. 

1. Organize dates - This could be movie dates or any kind of date. Decide to see a movie together or the same movie at different times and then talk about how you felt while watching it or discuss your learning points. You can also send clips of the parts you enjoyed the most as this would give you both something interesting to talk about.

2. Hobbies: Discover each other's hobbies and encourage yourselves to do something about it. For example, if you partner loves to shop, you can encourage him/her to go shopping and talk to you about it. If you have the means, you can send some money or deliver a gift to him/her, encouraging them to carry out this hobby of theirs. You can also ask questions surrounding your partner's hobby. "How did basketball go today? Who won? How do you feel about the game" When is the next game" etc.

3. Communication: This is key in every relationship and the importance cannot be over emphasised. Please talk about anything and everything, from the beginning of your day to the end. Many times, ladies talk more than the guys but guys please you also need to share your experiences. Apart from talking, also learn to listen to your partner (don't always provide a solution just let him/her know that you are there and that you care). 

Also please engage in a lot of video calls so you can see each other, notice your reactions etc.,  this is the closest to being physically together though it can not be the same. Chat on Whatsapp and different social media platforms but do more of calls and voice notes, it could make you feel closer to each other.

If its within your power, plan surprise visits. You'll be amazed at how this can change a lot about your relationship. 

4. Settle Differences: In any relationship, keeping malice affects the relationship negatively and so this is something that we must avoid at all costs even if you have to be the one to play the fool sometimes. This is more important in a long distance relationship especially if you can't see your partner or might not see him or her in a while. The moment you allow issues linger for too long, you build a gap that might be difficult to mend. So as quickly as possible, settle your differences and focus on being better people. 

5. Constantly Celebrate Each other: Whether or not you're a social media person, you will need to do this as often as possible. Put his/her picture on social media - WhatsApp status, Instagram etc. this would make them know and feel loved and appreciated. Everyone loves to be celebrated so let your partner know that you're rooting for them at all times and also do this publicly.

6. Stay Committed: You can have friends of the opposite sex but ensure that there are clear boundaries between you. Be open to your partner about these friends and leave no room for doubt or suspicion. Try as much as possible not to hide anything from your partner because some day and in a way that you wouldn't like it, he or she might find out. Honesty is key in making your relationship work so please be open and committed. 

We'll stop here for now. I know there are many experienced long distance relationship people here, so please if you have further tips to share with us, please do. After reviewing it, we will be glad to share it on the blog.

Thanks a lot for stopping by and we hope to see you soon. God bless you and have a blessed week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS CAN WORK!

If you put in the work, long distance relationships can work! 

I had a discussion with someone about this and she said "I don't care whether there are good stories about long distance relationships but in my opinion, they don't work". Wondering why she said this? She has tried being in long distance relationships that didn't work due to no fault of hers (well according to her). In fact, she said she gave her all to these relationships but her partners always had one story or the other to defend them breaking up. Based on her experience, long distance relationship does not work.

While many people have similar experiences, there are other successful stories of long distance relationships and I think people just need to figure out what works for them. A man once shared "I met my wife via a social media platform. We were in different countries when we met but somehow we made it work and we are married now." This is one of the successful stories when it comes to long distance relationships and there are many more.

The truth be told, long distance relationships or marriages require a lot more work than marriages/relationships where the partners are together requires. If you're currently in one  or considering getting into one, you must be willing to put in the work (extra work) that is required to make it work.

You may ask "Why does it require more work?" Well long distance relationship requires more work because:

1. Communication: You have to do a lot of explaining and talking when it comes to communication. There's a different level of communication when you're with someone physically compared to when you're away from them physically. Thank God for social media, things have been made easy but conversations still get misinterpreted when said over the phone, sent through a voice note or a chat etc. 

2. Time difference: There are some long distance relationships that are not affected by time difference and this is because they are either in the same country (country where the times are synchronized) or they are in different countries with similar time zones. Majority of the long distance relationships I know of involve being in different countries with different time zones and mehn this is a lot of work. While one is just going to sleep, one other person is about to go to work vice versa. 

There are other reasons why long distance relationships require a lot of work but we will stop here for now. Our intention is not to discourage you from long distance relationships but to give some tips that may help in your long distance relationship or marriage and we really hope that you find them useful in one way or the other. 

Stay tuned and we shall discuss these tips next week by God's grace. Thanks for stopping by, God bless you real good.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

I FEEL SO DOWN!

 

"I am tired of life! Nothing seems to be working and it's so sad. I have tried everything I know how to do but nothing is coming through.  I really don't know what to do anymore. "... said Bimpe.

Bimpe was about to give up but I had to encourage her not to because there is so much we can make out of life and if we give up, we might miss out on God's great plan for us. 

I don't know what you've been through or what you're currently going through. I don't know how life has treated or is treating you right now. You might have gone through some really challenging moments that has made you want to call it quit but I am glad that you're alive and you're still here. 

Of course I know it is not easy and that is why I I am writing this. You are the reason I am writing this today, yes you! Please no matter what it is, please do not give up. Something good  in fact many good things are still going to happen but you can only experience and enjoy them if you do not give up.

It's okay to feel down sometimes but please don't stay there. You need to get up and be that cheerful person that you are. You need to get up and do all those great things that you know how to do best! That handsome and great guy with an awesome personality would show up; that bright and beautiful lady would show up soonest; you will get that promotion; you will make so much progress in life; that child would come soon.

Go out, meet people (right influences), get involved in trainings, engage in self-development  etc.

There will always be challenges and issues but they will never last for long. So please I plead with you, don't lose hope, don't give up! No matter what it is, tough times would pass and you will be strong again.

Also whenever you are down, please look for someone you can trust to pour your heart out to, this therapy works but please I will place emphasis on  'someone you can trust'. 

It is well and you will surely smile again by God's grace. Thanks a lot for stopping by. 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown 

DISCLOSURE - HOW IMPORTANT AND AT WHAT STAGE?

Last week we began a discussion about Priye's boyfriend, David, who had disclosed certain areas of his past and on this basis, she broke up with him. It was a sad experience for David because he really hoped that he would get married to Priye and was disappointed that she broke up with him for confiding in her. The question is should we disclose our past to the person we are in a relationship with? If yes, how much of our past should we disclose?

Many of the relationships I know of are serious relationships. We have established on this platform what serious relationships are and so I will not over flog this issue. When you have decided to be in a relationship with someone, you have made the decision to deal with that person with trust. What this means is that you expect to be trusted by this person and you also expect that your partner would trust you. It is based on this fact that you have to reveal whatever may have happened in your past. Another reason to reveal this is because you love this person and you want him or her to know what you may have been through in the past. Your past does not define you so never judge yourself based on it! 

Please note that revealing your past does not mean that you should be judged based on this. You might have the ideal person you intend to get married to but it is safe to always remember that no one is perfect. However, like I always say in my conversations with people, if you are not comfortable with a person's past and you know it will affect the way you view this person even when you decide to get married - please move on! Its better not to be a hyprocrite than to stay in a relationship because you do not want to hurt the other person. The likelihood that this would affect your marriage is high.

Deciding to be with someone irrespective of their past is a decision that you and only you can make because you are the only one in that relationship with them and you are the only one that would get married to them (if you so decide to). If you decide to go ahead in a relationship with someone with a past, then you must be strict on viewing them as they are now and not using their past against them.

A third reason why disclosure is important is that we live in a world that is extremely small. It would surprise you how many people actually know you or the person you are in a relationship with - it would not be nice for your partner to hear about certain 'pasts' from someone else or based on a rumour. 

I know that the fear of losing out on a prospective wife or husband, deters or discourages people from disclosure but I do not believe it is worth it. I remember having a conversation with a friend about this and she said "anyone that breaks up with me because of...has lost a valuable person and I won't bother my head about that, neither will it stop me from disclosing this part of my past".  This got me excited, she went through some breakups but also got married to an amazing person in the end. 

Permit me to leave you with a comment from one of our faithful readers on this blog and truly, that summarizes my stand on this issue:

 I personally think that one of the tests of real love is when one's partner still CHOOSES to love and commit to one after hearing some 'not so pleasant things' about one's past life experiences directly from one. I believe that it takes a lot of courage and trust in the other party for someone to reveal such things to their beloved partner. The guy didn't make a mistake for disclosing his past. It shows that the lady just likes the appearance of what the guy looks like now and won't stop judging him in her mind if they were to get married. A true love will take the guy's past as his past and focus on how they can both grow together and get better. After all, God first loved and still loves us despite we having being sinners in the past. Real love sees partner for who God made them to be and not who they used to be.

Thank you so much for stopping by and we hope to see you next time.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

MAYBE I SHOULDN'T HAVE TOLD HER!

 I confided with Priye about my past - told her about who and what I used to do and she broke up with me. Although she argued that that was not the sole reason for the breakup but I am so sure it was. Or what else could it be? This happened less than a month after I told her everything about my past. I had told her some before we started the relationship and then I told her the remaining and she decided she no longer wanted to be with me.

Priye and I had been friends for a bit and we had become really comfortable with each other. I was ready to take the step that would lead to spending the rest of my life with someone I really loved. We told each other that we would be honest with each other about our past and our plans for the future and we did. She had a past but maybe not as terrible as mine but I overlooked that because what mattered to me was who is she is at the moment and not what she used to be. I'm not saying everyone should adopt that approach to life but when you see someone who has made significant progress in life despite their past, I think they should be cherished regardless.

I really loved Priye, I really did and I can't believe I'm describing how I felt (still feel) with past tense because I was sure that our relationship was going to work out. Maybe I made a mistake? Maybe I shouldn't have told her about my past? Or maybe I should have told her some and kept some others (the really terrible ones) to myself. Anyway, I think I've learnt my lesson now. Nothing of such would happen in the next relationship I get into and maybe that would even be the last. I really hope it will.

Guys what's our take or idea on disclosure? Are there somethings that should be disclosed while others are kept to ourselves? And if we are to give full disclosure, when should this occur? Just a few days to our wedding ? When we are neck deep in the relationship  or just at the beginning of rhe relationship? Or is there any need disclosing things about our past at all?

Please we'll appreciate your thoughts on this. Kindly drop your comments in the comment section. Thanks for stopping by and we appreciate you. God bless you. 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

THIRD PARTY - YAAY OR NAAY? 2

A call came in late last week and the first question I got asked was how I deal with conflicts in my marriage and whether I have Mentors that I can talk to when there are certain serious issues going on in my marriage. This call and conversation was funny because unknown to this person, I had begun this conversation on my blog last week. 

The way the Holy Spirit works is very funny and this was a confirmation to me that this topic is very essential, in fact highly essential. It is one that many people shy away from and some others do not see the need to even bring this up but guess what? A lot of people battle with this conversation in their inner minds so I guess it's good we are talking about it. 

I had a long conversation with this person and we both agreed that there are certain times that partners will need to involve a third party in their relationship or marriage and this is where the issue at hand is really serious and both parties have been unable to resolve it. However, we also agreed that it is better or more preferable for this conversation to be with a couple and one that both parties can connect with and freely have conversations with.

From the above, I am sure you already know where I stand on this. As much as I wouldn't recommend running to a mentor everytime there's an issue, I will highly suggest that you talk to a mentor or a couple that you and your spouse are comfortable with when there are serious issues. It's like going for counselling. Please do not speak to people that are likely to take sides with either you or your spouse. You need people that will be transparent and sincere with you both and tell you the areas you need to work on and practical steps to take without taking sides. 

No marriage is perfect but I strongly believe that the ills and hurts that exist in some marriages and which has even led to divorce in some cases could have been avoided if both parties had someone (or a couple) that they could talk to and listen to) and if they had sought their opinion or advice on that main issue that they were facing.

I will once again say that a third party in a marriage is adviceable but only when necessary and this should not be an everytime thing. You both know the issues that you are struggling with and have not been able to resolve, please prayerfully select who to talk to about it. 

Thank you so much for stopping by and to that person who called and made me realize this was a much needed topic even after I had posted it, thank you and God bless you. My beautiful readers, God bless you all. Have a blessed week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown. 

 

THIRD PARTY - YAAY OR NAAY??

Tunmi and Aisha are in a serious relationship. Before we go on let me ask this question - What comes to your mind when you hear serious relationship? Well, serious relationship in my opinion means that they are not playing around but intend to get married to each other. So no side chicks or side bobos (smiles). Anyway they have been having conversations around marriage so yeah they are in a serious relationship.

Like every relationship, they sometimes have issues and on one or two occasions, these issues are serious. Please let me just drop this here - don't ever believe anyone that says they don't have issues in their relationship or marriage. This is a big fat lie because there is no relationship without issues. It's just that people undergo different issues and you might not find two relationships going through the same kind of issues.

Whenever they have serious issues that they believe is too much for them to handle, Aisha runs to their Mentor to talk about the issue. She tells her in confidence and so most times it stays between them but other times, Aisha wants the matter resolved so she involves her Mentor's husband and they both have a conversation with Tunmi and Aisha. These talks and advices have helped their relationship and made them understand or address issues better. The conversations have also made their relationship stronger according to them. However, there's a problem... 

Tunmi does not have an issue with Aisha talking to the Odekos (their mentors). He actually appreciates the role that they have played in his life and that of Aisha individually and collectively.  They've been very instrumental to their relationship and he is grateful for that but he was having a discussion with some of his friends recently about how it is not adviceable to involve third parties in your relationship. In their opinion, it is okay to have Mentors who can advice you but you shouldn't take your issues to them.

Tunmi who was previously fine  with Aisha talking to the Odekos, complains about it now and she's confused. He says he doesn't appreciate the fact that she talks to them about their issues and she's not sure where this is coming from. She's a bit concerned.

To be continued... 

What do you think guys? It's okay to have Mentors right? Do we all agree with this fact? Should we involve them in our relationship? If we do, how involved should they be in our relationship or marriage? 

Thanks for stopping by. Please let us know your thoughts. God bless you 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown 

WHEN YOU'RE NOT ON THE SAME PAGE...

Frustration!

Emeka got into the relationship out of frustration. He was extremely frustrated. Efforts had been made on his part to ask some girls out who had told him no and because his friends had made jest of him, he had a bet with some of his friends to get Chidera.

Can you imagine that? Chidera was being really serious about this relationship and in fact foregoing some of the principles dear to her to please and remain with someone who was in a relationship with her based on a bet. Sad! Really a sad situation to be in.

Let me just drop this here - there's no reason neither is there anyone that is worth dropping your values and the core of you for. Because most times things like this lead to regrets. Obviously there are certain sacrifices and compromises that have to be made in a relationship or marriage but when something is at the core of your person, you shouldn't because you want to please someone forgo such values or principles.

Chidera had lost herself! She had become so distracted! She was not herself anymore! She used to be keen about making impact, about her academics and many other things but she had lost them all... She appeared not to care about what was becoming of her life even though a  lot of people tried to talk to her about it.

After Emeka was done proving a point to Chidera, he dumped her. It's sad that she fell a victim with Emeka even though his plan or bet was not known to her. She would have felt better if she was dumped but still held onto her values and did not lose guard. But she did! She dropped her values and disregarded her friends and many other things.

Chidera was heartbroken, she couldn't believe that such would happen to her.  She was undeserving of such behavior or treatment. Her friend Sandra, stayed with her despite all the embarrassments she faced while trying to talk her out of being with Emeka. She was the shoulder that Chidera leaned on after being dumped. She gave her confidence again. She helped her get back in track. Chidera was depressed and weighed down because she had lost a lot because of this relationship but thank God for friends like Sandra.

We all need to be careful who we associate with, get into a relationship with or get married to. We need to ensure that at least to a great extent, we are all on the same page - have the same or very similar values, same or similar principles, are embarking on the same or similar journey. Some people come into our lives to distract us and cause to fail (we need to be careful not to allow this happen).

I really pray that we will do our due diligence well when it comes to who we say yes to or get into a relationship with and who we choose to get married to. We need to be on the same page as much as possible. God will help us all in Jesus name. Also take time out to pray - please don't joke with this. I beg you. 

Thank you for stopping by. God bless you real good. Have a blessed week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE NOT ON THE SAME PAGE???

Chidera wanted to keep Emeka so badly that she was going to do anything he asked. She had her virtues and principles but getting Emeka to be her boyfriend was one of the highlights of her life so she didn't care if she had to forego some of her principles to keep him.

One of Chidera's friend, Sandra had noticed the drastic change in Chidera's behavior due to her association and relationship with Emeka and she tried talking her out of the relationship. Chidera wouldn't listen. She had got all she wanted in a man (at least so she believed) and she wasn't going to allow anyone take him from her. Sandra wasn't going to give up on her friend and at every opportunity, she had conversations with her:

"Chidera, you've changed a lot since you got into a relationship with Emeka and I wish it was a positive change but it's not. What's going on? You know Emeka is having a bad influence and impact on you but you keep pushing yourself to stay with him, why?"

"Sandra, I love him and that's what matters to me. I don't think there's any negative impact he's having on me. So why don't you just let me be and enjoy my relationship with my boyfriend. Can I also plead with you not to bring up any conversation regarding this?"

Chidera's response was really surprising to Sandra but she made up her mind not to get upset. She kept talking to her about the need to stop her relationship with Emeka because of the negative impact the relationship was having on her. 

Chidera used to top her class, almost every Lecturer knew her because of how smart she was. Infact many students made reference to her as well. However, since she started dating Emeka, the opposite has been the case. Many others apart from Sandra have spoken to her but that's one conversation that Chidera is not interested in having. She doesn't see the change or has decided not to see it all in the name of love.

Unknown to Chidera, Emeka got into the relationship not out of love but out of....

To be continued...

Thank you so much for stopping by. We hope to see you soon.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

SAY THE RIGHT WORDS!

Someone once said that words are very powerful and that we should be careful of the words we say. Another also said that you can sow powerfully into your future by the words you speak.

I remember saying certain words and things I wanted to see in my spouse, children and career when I was 18 or so. I knew words were powerful but I didn't know how powerful until I got married and started seeing the things I said manifest/come to pass. This made me more deliberate about speaking the right/positive/biblical words over every area of my life and I have seen positive results. 

I know that we might have had terrible experiences and gotten discouraged over many things especially good relationships and marriages but this should not discourage us from speaking the right words and saying the things that we want to see in our relationships or marriages. Words are powerful and it's best to invest in positive and right words. Let's speak rightly as often as we can.

Knowing this should encourage us to speak words over our spouses and unborn children. You can determine how your spouse, children, home, career would be by the words you speak today. Speak right words and you'll reap great fruits! Forget about what may have happened in the past, those things are not sufficient to stop you from speaking rightly or to make you speak negatively.

Thank you so much for stopping by. We hope to see you soon.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

HOW LONG IS LONG ENOUGH?

There are so many questions these days around the amount of time, number of weeks, months, years that is adviceable to be in a relationship for before getting married. Many wonder if there is a set time for this and I'll talk about this below.

Marriage is very important and it's highly necessary to know certain things about a prospective spouse. In order to do this, it is important that you spend quality time with the person cos only then would you really find out things that you need to know (especially whether the person matches your desires or is your spec).

However, there is no set time to when you should get married to someone you've been in a relationship with. I don't advice really long relationships (i.e. 4 years) even though some of these have led and could lead to marriage. There are people who only get into a relationship and stay for a year and gbam they feel ready to get married.

As long as you've done your due diligence about this potential spouse well, prayed and asked God to reveal things that you need to know and you're sure that you will love to spend the rest of your life with this person then I believe you're good to go. This could be for 6 months, 1 year or more but the bottom line is that you're surely willing and ready to spend the rest of your life with this person.

I guess from the above we have answered the question that there is really no set time on how long you should date or be in a relationship with someone before you get married. Also please don't be a time waster, I beg you in the name of God. If you know the relationship is going no where, why are you deceiving him or her by staying in it? Call it off if you're sure you can never get married to the person. No one deserves to be given false hopes please. 

Thank you so much for stopping by. God bless you real good.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

DON'T IGNORE THE SIGNS!

 

A friend of mine told me about something his girlfriend did and this particular act scared the life out of him and everyone around her. No one could talk to her and she wasn't willing to listen to anyone who tried. It got so bad that she went silent on everyone that she considered important. Yes, it was that serious!

She came around much later and at a time that he had decided to move on with his life. She pleaded with him and he forgave her. They continued with the relationship and got married. Before they got married, she repeated the same action twice but always came back with a concrete reason on why she had to 'disappear'. This usually happened after an argument and now that they are married, it hasn't stopped.

We hear everytime that there is no perfect person anywhere. While this is VERY true we need to be careful not to use this as an excuse to get into a relationship or get married to just anybody OR to go ahead with a marriage when we know there are some backend issues that we can't live with.

Yes, your friends and family members would put pressure on you but remember that they won't be there in the marriage. You will be able to talk to them and share your pains but they would never fully understand what you're going through. So this shouldn't be a reason to get married to someone you're not comfortable with for good reasons.

When you see the signs (which you will see), don't ignore. You know the things you are uncomfortable with, you know the characters that turn you off. He does something, she says something or does something that doesn't sit well with you... 

Sit, think and check to be sure that it's just a one-off or a one-time thing. Be careful to only go on with the things you know you can cope with or you're comfortable with. The signs you see today will remain if they are not deliberately worked on so be sure that you can cope with such character, habit or behavior even in marriage.

Thank you so much for stopping by. God bless you and open your eyes to see those signs that are important. May God also give you wisdom so you choose your life partner wisely. Amen.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

SOMETHINGS ARE NOT WORTH IT!

Domestic abuse has been talked about a lot. Although this is not the only kind of abuse that exists, it is one of the most rampant. Everyone heard about the story of one of the popular gospel musicians and many felt really sad that she went through all of that.

Domestic abuse is not an easy subject and I wouldn't consider myself an expert or authority in this area. However, I'll share a few things that I believe would or could help someone.

Many times the fear that victims of domestic abuse/violence face is the common: WWPS (What will people say?). They forget that their life is so precious and even more precious than comparing their lives to others or being bothered about what friends, neighbors, family members will think of them. Please move past what people will say or think of you and first of all save yourself and your children (if you have any).

If you by chance happen to be one of those people undergoing or have undergone domestic abuse please I beg of you don't blame yourself. It has nothing to do with you. This is the lie of the devil. Save yourself from the man/woman who lacks control over their emotions or physical abilities. Please do not subject yourself to such unnecessary pain cos it's not worth it. Yes there might be areas you need to work on because as we said earlier, no one is perfect but this is not a licence for anyone to beat or physically abuse you in anyway.

If you're in a relationship and you can see traits in your partner, please I beg you in the name of God, it is not by force to be with that person. Run for your life! You can pray for God to touch and change the person's heart but you can do that from afar. The fact that the person never used to be like that is not a reason to stay. Run far away until there is a 💯 percent assurance that the person has repented and is a changed person (I. e. no longer exhibits such traits).

Please you do not deserve to be maltreated or killed all in the name of love and no this is not allowed! Save yourself and not even in the name of your children should you choose to remain in an abusive relationship/marriage. 

The argument by many is that God hates divorce. Oh yes he does but God is not against separation so you can separate yourself from that spouse who may end up killing you if you don't take action. I'm really not sure of how best to express this but please your life is very important! And nothing is worth dying for. So please save yourself and let God help you.

Thanks for stopping by. God bless you real good. Have a blessed week and hope you enjoyed your holiday 😘.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

IN ALL THAT YOU DO, DON'T DO THIS!

The idea of getting married is fantastic but more awesome is getting married to the right person for you. The ball is in your court and the choice is for you to make so you'll need to exercise some care and wisdom in making this choice.

I read an article on making the right choice of a life partner and the effect of making a wrong choice and I thought to share it with my lovely people here. I hope you enjoy this read and learn one or two major things from it below:

Choose wisely, not only for you but also for your child.

Later in marriage when you hit parenthood, you'll realize what you really wish for in your spouse is not big money or a 'six-pack'. A pretty face and a good bank account are nice to have but at the end of the day, there's so much more you should be looking for.

At 3am when your child is crying, and your eyes are heavy and your body is weak from  postpartum, it will not be how he looks or what he owns that will matter. It'll be the compassion in his heart and the love for you in his soul that pushes him out of the bed to attend to the child immediately and say to you: "Go back to sleep, love. I've got this."

If I could tell the younger people what to consider in a companion, I would say marry the man who will be the best father for your children and the woman who would be the best mother for your children. The man/woman who will put you and your little family first, above all else. The man/woman who is as responsible as you are in raising a family because you both are in it together. In short, marry the person who will set a standard for a spouse in your children.

Because in all of these, whenever you watch your partner with your child, you'll find yourself falling in love all over again.

Choose wisely, not only for you but also for your child(ren).

Anonymous

I hope you enjoyed this read. Thank you so much for stopping by. God bless you real good. Have an amazing week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO HEAL?

This question is one that is asked by so many people. While some are of the opinion that one should take a long time after a breakup before getting into another relationship because of how delicate the heart is, some others think that a person doesn't have to wait for too long because they can heal quickly.

What do you think? Please you can drop your comments in the comment box below.

People breakup their relationships or go through a breakup due to different explainable/unexplainable reasons known to them. Some of these reasons are: cheating, lack of proper communication; incompatibility etc. I personally believe that there are certain issues that occur in a relationship that shouldn't necessarily lead to a breakup but then people have to make these choices themselves.

After going through a breakup based on one or more of the reasons listed above, some people get into a very defensive mode where they guard their hearts from any other form of hurt. It is very okay to guard your heart but you need to determine what you are guarding it against and how long this should be for. Some people even decide they will never get into another relationship because of how terrible they felt after a breakup. While this is totally understandable, I do not think it is sufficient to make you lose out on the amazing guys or ladies that are out there. But how will you know this if you keep hiding and shying away from moving on? 

Back to the question...Healing process for people differs and you'll need to ensure that you have healed from the hurt (i.e. you've come to terms with and accepted the break-up) before getting into a relationship. This calls for you to do all that you can to heal very fast because no one (no matter how cute, sweet and loving) is worth crying over for months, years...

In fact, my Pastor once said that there's nothing wrong in being served breakfast today and getting into another relationship in 3 days time. I mean you have to heal so that you're not carrying the baggage and hurt from the last relationship into the new one. But he said this to say that you shouldn't mourn for too long after a breakup. 

So please, you do not need to mourn for too long as long as you have healed. Go out with friends and engage in fun activities that'll help you heal.

I really hope this helps someone. You need to heal and you need to heal fast. You also need to be willing to meet other people cos you just never know. 

Thank you so much for stopping by. Happy new month my wonderful people.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

IT HAPPENED WHEN I THOUGHT IT WOULDN'T!

It was hard to stay away from Benjamin especially because he was a sweet person. Although I really liked him, I tried my best to hide my feelings. He knew the feeling was mutual but respected my decision not to get into a relationship yet. This even made me like him more. I mean instead of putting pressure on me to say yes, he just remained a good friend and rarely brought up the topic. 

He made it a point of duty to see me off to my hostel whenever we were together. On this particular day, I got to my room and I could not stop thinking about Benjamin. He was a good guy, a Jesus guy, a handsome guy, a sweet guy etc. The like was gradually growing into love so I decided I was going to say yes to him. "You've made my day! I am the happiest person right now. Thank you so much Cynthia. I promise never to take you for granted. I promise to always treat you right..." These were his words when I said yes to getting into a relationship with him. 

Benjamin had invited me to his house numerous times but I had made up my mind not to visit him until we were in a relationship. Now that I had said yes, I could go to his house right? I was eager to see what his house looked like so in no time, I visited him. Benjamin's house was so clean, tidy, organised and this made me love him even more. He cooked for me and made me feel at home. What a nice guy right? We sat together and talked about different things. During this period, I noticed his hands coming close to mine so I quickly stood up to do the dishes. While I was doing this, I felt a hand on my shoulders. It could be no one else but Benjamin's. I shrugged and he stopped. 

I left his house that day with the decision never to go there again. I loved him but I had to be careful. I had barely made the decision not to go to his house when I found myself there again. This time around, I allowed Benjamin put his hand on my shoulders and I held his other hand. My body was doing gish gish (I felt some sensation) and I was enjoying it. We didn't go any further and I was happy. 

Getting to my room, I thought about all that happened. How did I go from avoiding men to feeling this way for one man? I knew that something had changed in me and my roommates also noticed. 

The visits continued and the events grew from holding hands to kissing and on some occasions, sex almost happened. It was the last incident that made me realise that we had come too far and if we were not careful, we would engage in the one thing we vowed never to do. Benjamin and I were both strong Christians and we had decided that we were going to keep the bed undefiled. The truth is that the fact that we were in very close contact in a house where he lived alone, was like a trap that we had set for ourselves. I thought I was strong and able to withstand such actions but the Scripture says "let him that thinks he stands, take heed lest he falls". I therefore decided to speak to my mentor about it and that was when she gave that advice as we read last week.

Benjamin and I heeded to the advice from my mentor and even though it was really hard, we scaled through. I reduced my visits to his house drastically and I ensured that I only went when I knew someone else was going to be around. We also tried as much as possible to reduce the number of times that we were alone. This really helped us and we were gradually able to control our feelings and sensation and today, we are happily married.

Many times its difficult to abstain from sex but it becomes more difficult when the two people involved regularly stay alone. My advice for Christians like me is to avoid being alone with your boyfriend or fiance as the case maybe because it is most times when you are alone that such temptations are on the increase and it is more difficult to say no because 'no one' is watching.

I pray that God will help those of us that have made the decision to abstain from pre-marital sex (whether a virgin or not). He will strengthen us. Amen

Anonymous

Thanks a lot for stopping by and we hope to see you next week by God's grace. 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

HOW DO YOU CONTROL SUCH FEELINGS?

"Open the doors and windows if no one is around you, that way you will be careful...although I would say that it is better to always have people around you..." These were some of the words from the advice given to me by my Mentor. 

"Thank you so much ma. Thank you for not judging me and thank you so much for listening to me. I will practice all you've said but I'ld appreciate you checking up on me." We had spent 2 hours discussing about an issue I had and I was grateful for her advice and hoped that it would be a lasting solution.

I grew up in Church and I had heard a million and one times that it was wrong and in fact a sin to have sex with the opposite sex until marriage. In fact, my Pastor always said these words over and over again "...keep the marriage bed undefiled..." These words soon became a worship song because of the consistency and passion with which he often said it. Trust youths to be very funny, whenever he came up to preach or give an exhortation, regardless of the topic for the day, we all shouted "keep the bed undefiled".

As much as I grew up knowing that pre-marital sex was wrong, nobody ever told me what to do to prevent it from happening. The secondary school warning from my mum that "if you go near a man, you will get pregnant" had proven to be false and I was now on my own. I had to figure this out somehow. I couldn't talk to any member of my fellowship about it because they all felt it wasn't a matter to be discussed.

Not sure of what to do and how to act when I was alone with a guy, I decided to avoid it by all means. I told myself that "it is better to stay away from men altogether than to get close and permit unexplainable acts". I stayed away from getting into a relationship and avoided talking to my male friends for too long. But for how long was I going to run away from men because of the fear of how to handle them? Was I not interested in getting married? And if I was, won't I need to get into a relationship first? Many people had shown interest in me but I ran with the speed of light as soon as they made their intentions known.

Continuing with this avoidance spirit was becoming annoying not just to my male friends but also to me. I felt a deep sensation when I was with a particular friend of mine but because of all that I had learnt both from Church and my fellowship, I began to bind and cast this feeling. "It must be the devil trying to make me feel this way." I thought to myself and the binding and casting increased as a result of this thought. Little did I know that it was okay to feel that way but not to awaken it until the time is ripe. I began to wonder why the devil was making me feel this way and so to avoid such feelings, I decided to stay away from this friend whom it appeared the devil was using.  

But was staying away the ideal thing and was it sustainable?

To be continued...

Anonymous

Thanks for stopping by.  God bless you real good 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

IT JUST CAN'T WORK!

We had a short (2) series on open relationships and some people sent messages to me expressing their negative views on open relationships. Ifeanyi did the same as we can see here and here for those who missed the last two write-ups.

The thought and implication behind open relationships is actually not advisable for anyone at all. Like someone said "Why will I be in a relationship and be hoping for another relationship?". This is so profound as to what an open relationship implies. You're currently in a relationship but because you do not know whether or not the person you're in that relationship with is seeing someone else or considering someone else, vice versa - you have to also hope for a better person. 

I'm not sure how people do this but it's not healthy. Open relationships should be frowned upon for the following reasons:

1. It breaks commitment - It makes it okay for people to double date or double relate (lol just thought about this one) which in itself is extremely wrong. You need to be in a relationship with one person and it should be exclusive. If you can't handle the commitment to one person that a relationship requires, then don't get into one or break up from the one you're in. Also if you can't stay committed to a relationship, what would occur when you get married?Check this!

2. Trust is non-existent: You can't tell me that you trust someone you're in an open relationship with. The person is permitted to consider and be in a relationship with another person/people while with you and so you'll have to keep thinking and over-thinking and this doesn't make sense. In fact, the person can even get married while still open-relationship zoning you. You don't want to spend all the time you're with this person thinking of whether or not he/she has now found another person they like. It's not worth it please!

Quite frankly, you can tell that I am against open relationships as it is very very unnecessary in my opinion. Please don't offer this to anyone and do not accept it from anyone. Anyone who suggests this doesn't love you and in the first place is very selfish. Why can't they stay committed to you? Why must they keep checking for other options and then dump you?

This is applicable to both male and female and not just one gender. Neither a female nor male should suggest open relationships. It is highly disrespectful and unnecessary. If you can't continue with a relationship anymore and for whatever reason, please politely break up. Don't deceive the next person or yourself!

Thanks for stopping by.  See you next week by God's grace.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown 

OPEN RELATIONSHIP - YAY OR NAY? 2

 

Tolu and Ifeanyi ate to their fill and then it was time to talk about the reason for the meet-up in a very nice place that they had never been to before (or that Ifeanyi had never been to).

Tolu: "I'll be traveling to America in the next three months and I'll like us to decide what we want to do with our relationship... " 

Ifeanyi: Wait, I don't understand. I know you had talked about your desire to travel to the US but when did you make arrangements and why am I just getting to know about it?

Tolu: Babe I'm sorry about that. Things happened really fast and I didn't want to inform you when I wasn't sure that it would go through. But now that I'm almost sure it'll be successful, I'm letting you know

Ifeanyi: Okay, fine...not that I forgive you but let's talk about the other statement you made. What do you mean by we need to decide what we want to do with our relationship? Do you want to breakup with me?

Tolu: No I wouldn't do that to you Ifeanyi but I've been thinking about a lot and just wanted to here your opinion about this. So now, how do we go about this?

Ifeanyi: Well, like we've been handling it...We put in efforts to make the relationship work...That's the only way I know we can go about our relationship. 

Tolu: Fair point. But I was wondering if we could actually leave the relationship open. We are still together but then if we find someone that we love, we date the person and later on when I get back, if you're  still available we get or plan to get married.

Ifeanyi: Did you just suggest an open relationship to me? Gosh! I can't believe this. What! What! What or who do you take me for? So I'll be here trying different relationships while remaining in the relationship with you and if I'm still single when you... Infact, just go Tolu! I can't believe you'll say this to me!

Tolu: Babe it's not like that. I actually never thought you'll object to it...

Ifeanyi: Stop talking Tolu! Please stop! It's okay, I wish you all the best in all you do. Three months is still a long time but it's over between us right now. There's no reason waiting till it's time for you to go. We can as well just break up now. 

(Ifeanyi walks out of the classy Restaurant really heartbroken).

I'll really like to know your views on open relationships. Please drop them below 👇👇👇👇👇👇

Thank you so much for stopping by and God bless you. Have a fantastic week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

OPEN RELATIONSHIP - YAY OR NAY?

 

Tolu and Ifeanyi were in a relationship for two years and things were pretty smooth between them. Ifeanyi really had plans in her heart to get married to Tolu because he was all she wanted in a guy. However, Tolu had not said anything in that light. He loved her (well so he proclaimed) but marriage wasn't something he was ready for.

Ifeanyi was really hopeful and nothing was going to change that. She was sure that Tolu would bring up this important topic and that they'll begin to plan 'their' wedding.

One Friday night, Tolu called Ifeanyi up and said that he had something to discuss with her. Was she going to be served breakfast? No it couldn't be. Their relationship was going well and there was no reason for that to happen. Was she going to get proposed to? Well as much as she really wanted this, she wasn't sure this was about to happen. 

Tolu sent the address for the meet-up to Ifeanyi and it was a lounge that she had never heard of or been to before. This made her more suspicious (at least she was sure that it was something good). She left work really excited about their meet-up. They met often on Fridays but they usually went to regular hangout spots. This one seemed special so she got all glammed up for the occasion.

Ifeanyi arrived at the venue before Tolu but she didn't mind. She sat down and had time to take pictures because the place was really fanciful and classy. Tolu called after one hour that he was running late but Ifeanyi took no offence. She kept having fun and even met other people as well.

Tolu was getting really late and Ifeanyi had gotten tired. The only thing that would make her happy was if the meet-up was a proposal. Hopefully she was right.

Finally, Tolu appeared. He was really sorry about the delay. He apologized and said that he was stuck in traffic even though he also couldn't leave the office early. At this time, Ifeanyi was tired and really just wanted to hear what he had to say. But Tolu being Tolu got her out of the anger mode and they ate and drank to their fill.

To be continued...

OneLove,

SomzyBrown