Desires - Marriage - Core Values 2

 

Marriage is very deep and everyone knows it.  The people who say it is not, do not mean what they say because if they look deeply, they will discover that it is not something to joke with. It is a joyful thing to get married (no doubts) but I think the joy only comes when you are with the right person. Being with the right person makes the marriage a pleasant and blissful one. There will be challenges, (but of course) however it will be easily sorted out.

 

 

Like you might imagine, the idea of getting married to Tunde made me think deeply about my life.  He was quite persistent but I was not ready to forego my values and principles because I wanted to get married. He is a good, caring and loving person and everyone who has met him says that about him but each time I imagined us being married, I thought about a lot of things. The truth is that no matter how good a person is, once there is a particular aspect that you know you cannot cope with, it is not adviceable to go on. Going on would mean taking a risk and you really do not want to take that risk. 

 

There were many things that he wanted me to engage in  even before marriage (things that I might not be able to state here) and I told him that such could not happen. These things to other people might be  a walk over but for me it wasn't. I was not ready to change or compromise the things that are important to me because I really wanted to get married. 

 

Apart from Tunde, some other people have shown interest in me but one thing or the other has made it impossible for me to see myself get married to them. I am not trying to discriminate and I never will but really, the people that have come my way so far are not people that fit. If it is not religion/faith clash it is the clash of principles. If it is not anger issues it is... it has been one thing or the other  but I am hopeful. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing something wrong or surrounding myself with the wrong people but I do not think so. Yes,  I totally agree that no body is perfect but somethings are possible. I believe it is possible to meet that man that is just perfect for you.

 I have gotten tempted several times to drop my values and just go for whatever comes my way but on a second thought, I have decided to hold on to them. If it was about things like- height, dressing, stature, I could easily change my mind but when it comes to things that define my person, I would not yield to letting them go. If these values were wrong or bad, maybe I will have a second thought but they are not so I will stick with them till someone who shares the same or similar values comes.

 

I really do not want to get married out of desperation and it is not even right to do so. I desire to be married and to be happy in my marriage and I am sure this will happen soon. It's been hard and not very encouraging  but I am not giving up. One thing I know is that 'he' will surely come and at the right time. 

If by any chance you have felt this way, know that you are not alone. It pays not to compromise especially the things that define you because you might end up with regrets. As long as your values, principles and beliefs are right and for a good cause, do not let them go. It will surely pay in the end!

Anonymous

Thanks for stopping by and we hope to see you next week by God's grace.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

Desires - Marriage - Core Values.

The idea of getting married was one that always got me happy. I looked at my friends make the decision to get married and I was really excited. I got invited to a lot of weddings both by close friends and not so close ones. I loved and enjoyed celebrating with my friends and loved ones, I mean what else could I possibly do. I cannot count the number of bridal trains that I have been on and the number of people that I have been chief bride's maid for. In fact I got to plan some of my friends wedding and I was happy. All of these was so much fun to me at the time but the same cannot be said right now.

 It was my birthday last week and guess what? I turned 32! It immediately dawned on me that I am not getting younger anymore. I have a slim and small body accompanied with a baby face and to be honest, maybe that has contributed a great deal to my not realising that time is ticking and I am not getting younger anymore. I began to look deeply and think about my life and I discovered that all my close friends and people I grew up with are married. I am happy for them but I cannot stop thinking about my life and why I have to be the odd one out. Sometimes I wonder if there is a problem with me but what can I do? It is what it is!

I really want to get married but it does not seem like a possibility right now. Nobody seems to be interested in me and I really wonder why. It's not like no one has shown interest in me, it is just that the ones that have shown interest in me do not seem serious to me. Now don't get me wrong! Some people think I am too picky but I do not think I am. Yes, I want to get married but then I would not just jump at anyone who shows an interest in me. I almost made that mistake once and I do not want to make it again, I will rather chill than jump at it even though I really want it.

There was a time I thought it was time and it had to happen at that time and with that person.  I met this guy at one of my friend's wedding and we got talking. I really liked him and of course he liked me very well. We got really close but all along I knew that we had different values and there was going to be a clash. Sometimes I had to bend my values to please him and sometimes he bent his to please me. Apart from the clash in values, we were cool but the fact that there is a clash in values, isn't that a big issue in itself? These clashes are not minor ones but very serious ones.

He had talked about marriage but I was not sure I wanted to get married to someone that I will always have a clash with. It was hard to accept but I knew that things could not work. My thought was "would we have to do this everytime if we get married?" My core values define me. I believe in making compromises but not when such compromise will greatly affect your person. My values were and are still very important to me.

I shall continue with my story next week but what do we think? Should you trade your values because you want to get married? Please leave your comments.

Anonymous

Thank you so much for stopping by, we hope to see you next week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

CAN I KEEP MY BOYFRIEND AND MY BEST FRIEND???

There is always a tendency to have a close friend whom we are comfortable with and who we can share things with. Many times, regardless of the kind of conversation(s) or event(s) that bring us close, friendships sometimes end up developing into something really great.  Looking back at our lives, we will realize that many of the best buddies we have today started through  growing up together or bonding; through school activities or meeting at functions or business gathering or events which ended up becoming a good foundation through which we made best friends or best buddies.

Although these best buddies do not necessarily have to be involved in each other’s day to day events nor speak all the time, important decisions or acts cannot or might not be taken without involving them. The closeness we are referring to is not necessarily restricted to people of the same sex. It also applies to people of the opposite sex and this leads us to our main focus in this write-up.

A friend of mine once had a best friend and these two were very very close. They shared almost everything they had and could practically talk to each other about every and anything. They had both decided that nothing was going to go on between them (i.e. relationship) but they made the decision to remain best friends. Despite being close friends, they were not romantically involved but they were extremely close.

She knew almost every member of his family and he also knew every member of her family. The lady however got into a relationship. Before this happened, she discussed everything with her best friend and so he knew about her decision to get into a relationship. In fact, he advised her on the things to do and the things not to do. She was not willing to lose someone that had been her best friend for years and so she held on to the guy as her best friend.

Her boyfriend definitely got to  meet his girlfriend's 'best friend' as expected and he duly observed the closeness. In the course of the relationship, he discovered the closeness and attachments involved between/among the friends and he began to get extremely jealous (I really do not blame him for this though). This jealousy got really bad and led to the shaking of the table thereby causing a rift in the relationship.

He spoke to her about this but for a reason best known to her, she did not see anything wrong in trying to keep her boyfriend as well as her close friend. According to her "they are two different people, playing different roles in my life and so I really do not understand why my boyfriend should be jealous. My best friend has been there for more than 5 years but my boyfriend just came into my life, why should I leave the former for the latter?"

They repeatedly discussed this issue because he felt her attention was divided but instead of getting a positive result, it led to series of terrible arguments which finally resultied to the boyfriend asking her to choose between himself and the close friend.

My question now is, IS IT IDEAL OR MORALLY RIGHT TO MAINTAIN A CLOSE FRIENDSHIP WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX DESPITE BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP??

PLEASE DROP YOUR COMMENTS.

Written by Tobiloba.

Thanks for stopping by. We hope to see you next week by God's grace.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

CAN I EVER LOVE OR BE LOVED??? 5

I thought that was the end until he again asked me to come closer to him which I vehemently refused. He forcefully pulled me close and began to touch my breast and other private parts of my body. I wanted to scream aloud but I remembered that my younger sisters were sleeping. As if he knew what was on my mind, he immediately took a scarf that was lying on the chair and used it to cover my mouth.

I was clueless as to what to do and I was so scared. "What if he did something worse?" I continually tried to force myself out of his ugly arms but he was obviously stronger than I was. I prayed silently that this will come to an end but it looked very  impossible. "Can someone just come home right now?" It was an impossibility for dad to come home at that time but I prayed within me that such miracle would happen. The fear of what he could do got me thinking. This was a horrible feeling.

As if the harrasment was not enough, he forcefully had sex with me. He made me lay down on the chair and began the process. This was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. I could not even imagine that I had become a victim of rape. I cried my eyes out while he felt really fulfilled. I might not be able to go into details of all that happened to me afterwards and how he tried to clean up the mess but I know that I did not remain the same from that day.

This incident affected me greatly and I could talk to nobody about it. I felt ashamed of myself even though I knew it was not my fault. The sight of him became extremely irritating. "Is this the same Uncle that I once trusted and cherished? How could he think of doing this to me?" Different thoughts ran through my mind.

I wanted to talk to my mum about the incident but I did not know how to. I  told her to stop allowing him pick us up from school or stay with us at home alone but she refused to listen to me because I could not give a reason for my suggestion. She later noticed that I was beginning to create distance between myself and uncle Chinedu and everytime she asked for what the matter was, I shyed away from it.

Although it never happened again and mum never got to know, the whole experience with Uncle Chinedu toiled with my mind and my psychology. I could no longer trust anyone. Seeing a man was a damaging sight because Uncle Chinedu seemed to be the definition of a man. This experience has made it impossible for me to have a conversation with guys/men or even talk about them. I believe I have lost my capacity to love or even be loved  because of this ugly experience. I have kept this to myself for so long and I feel better being able to share this. Sharing my story, however does not mean that I have overcome but hopefully (some day), I will see myself as that person that can love or be loved.

Thanks for staying with us on this! We hope to see you soon.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

CAN I EVER LOVE OR BE LOVED??? 4

I got scared everytime uncle Chinedu came around the house. I could no longer trust him or look at him as the uncle that I really liked and had great respect for. My impression about him had become bad and I was unsure that anything could change it. I tried to take the last incident off my mind but it was quite difficult. Seeing him made me remember that day and so I hated seeing him.

One Thursday morning on our way to school, mum told my sisters and I that Uncle Chinedu was going to pick us up from school. This news would normally have been a good one but at this time it was not. Rather it was one that made me shiver. While my younger ones got really excited about this, nothing but great fear gripped my heart. I asked mum why she could not pick us up by herself and although this was an unusual question, she answered by saying that she had to pay an urgent visit to my grandma who was sick.

Uncle Chinedu had promised not to hurt me and even though this was not convincing, I tried to believe him. As soon as we got home, I went straight to the room to change, prepared lunch for my younger ones and went back into my room. My immediate younger sister had noticed my cold attitude towards uncle Chinedu and wanted to know why I was acting that way. I was the closest person in our family to Uncle Chinedu but that seemed to be changing. I told her nothing was wrong and in a bid to make her believe me, I went out to play with my younger sisters and uncle Chinedu.

It was time for siesta and my sisters had soon disappeared. My younger ones had learnt to observe siesta, so the moment they finished with their lunch and home-work, they went straight to their rooms.  It was scary being left alone with uncle Chinedu in the sitting room. "What would he do this time around?". I tried to avoid any form of eye contact with him because I thought that could make him remember what he did the last time and make him think of other possible things to do to me.

I went into the kitchen to wash the dishes and clean up the mess that my younger ones had made. I enjoyed doing this alone or maybe I had just gotten used to doing it alone. While I was cleaning up, Uncle Chinedu called me and said he wanted to talk to me. "Oh! What could he possibly want to say to me." I wondered. I tried to disregard all the ugly thoughts that crossed my mind but it was hard. I was going to ignore him but then that would have been rude so I went to him. 

He started by saying "I have noticed that you have been cold towards me and I don't know why". "Was he really saying this? That he did not know why I was being cold?". Well, I remained silent while he said all he had to say. He aplogised for what happened the last time and asked me to come close for a hug but I was very reluctant. He then said "Common! It's only a hug" "Well, a hug wouldn't hurt" This was my thought while I moved close to him. 

Thanks for stopping by, we hope you enjoyed it and hope to see you next week.

OneLove,

Somzybrown

CAN I EVER LOVE OR BE LOVED??? 3

One Tuesday afternoon, uncle Chinedu picked us up from school and brought us home. This was not strange because mum called on him whenever she was unable to pick us up from school. We were very excited that he was going to stay with us until mum got back because this meant that we were going to get a lot of goodies. Although getting goodies was a norm to many of my friends, the story was quite different for my younger sisters and I. Whenever we asked mum about why she never got us chocolates, icecream, cakes she gave the excuse that she did not want us to have bad teeth. Anyway this was uncle Chinedu's opportunity to spoil us and trust me, he used it really well.

Mum not being at home was not strange and not bad as she had taught me to do a lot of things like cook; take care of my sisters and take care of the house. Although at that time, it was a hard task and the most annoying thing to do, it is something I am very grateful for now because many of the things I can do today is as a result of what I learnt during my young age.

So I had been waiting for the right time to ask uncle Chinedu about why he was not married. "This day feels like a good day to ask him" I thought to myself. It was a good opportunity to ask uncle Chinedu a lot of questions without being told "shut up! You are too forward". Mum never liked us asking older people private questions because she said we could be judged as being rude. Whenever she was around us, we behaved ourselves but the moment she was far from us, we were back to asking questions as they came to our minds.

Uncle Chinedu so I have been meaning to ask you - why aren't you married? "Why are you asking such a question, what do you know about marriage?" He said with a grin of his face. "I just want to know, there's no particular reason" "Well maybe because I haven't found the right woman yet" he said. I was still trying to understand what he meant by that when suddenly I felt a person's hand come over my neck. I was quite scared as I did not remember anyone coming into the house during our conversation. This person's hand went from my neck to my face and it just felt awkward. I turned and discovered that it was uncle Chinedu (of course it was). I did not know what to say because firstly, I did not understand why he decided to do that. No one had touched me like that before and I was going to shout at him when I remembered  all the sacrifices he had made for my mum, my sisters and I.

A lot of things kept running through my mind and I just could not understand what Uncle Chinedu was thinking when he came up to touch my neck and face. "Was it as a result of the question I asked or what exactly could this be about?" I asked myself. This was not the first time he was staying with us alone at home but this was the first time this was happening. "Why are you looking afraid? I was just playing with you. I won't hurt you". He said to me. These words were the most annoying words that I had heard in my life. How could someone I respected and trusted touch me in such manner and tell me not to be scared.

I thought of how to tell my mum that we did not want him in our house anymore but she was going to ask me for the reason and I really did not want to talk about it. I also thought I was taking it too far. "Maybe in all sincerity he was only playing with me" I told myself.

Thanks for stopping by, we hope to see you next week. Stay tuned! 

OneLove

SomzyBrown

CAN I EVER LOVE OR BE LOVED??? 2

My parents prayed and fasted about this issue because for a reason best known to them, a male child just had to come forth. As a young girl, well not so young though, I saw the ferventness in their prayer and I actually silently prayed that their prayer will be answered. Did God answer their prayer? Well your guess is as good as mine! He did answer their prayer of a child but not the gender that they wanted. They tried one more time and it was a girl again. At this point, they did not need a prophet to tell them that they had to stop trying and to just thank God for the beautiful girls (4 of us) that God had blessed them with. Although quite hard, my parents had to learn to love my sisters and I and also, to be grateful for us.

Due to the fact that my mum had no male child, she always had people, especially grown up guys (or should I call them men) helping her do stuff that we (her daughters) could not do. She never lacked help and in fact, she did not really feel the effect of not having a male child. She was indeed blessed. Some people say that her beautiful girls (my sisters and I) made things easy for her because people just naturally liked us and were always willing to come to our rescue. I remember one time, mum needed to take the car out for repairs but she also did not want to leave us at home by ourselves. Mum obviously could not do both by herself and dad wasn't home either.  She called on Uncle Chinedu to help and in no time, he was at our house. He took the car out, got it repaired and brought it back in good time. Mum was so grateful for a man like Uncle Chinedu, he was indeed a blessing to her.

Dad had gotten really busy at work and so we rarely saw him. He usually left the house very early and came back late. I wonder if it was the lack of a male child that made him stay so late at work and leave the house early but he was not even there to be asked such a question. It would have been good to have him around because apart from the fact that house-keeping was a lot for mum, we also needed him to be part of our lives.

Uncle Chinedu was one of the nicest uncles that we knew. He was the one who visited our house the most. Although he was being really helpful to my mum, he ensured that he got us things whenever he was coming over. We loved him not just for the gifts but because he made life easy for us. He soon became the fatherly figure that we had lost due to dad's busy schedule. Uncle Chinedu helped with our home work from school and whenever mum was tired to drive us to school, he made sure he was available to help out.

We soon got so used to Uncle Chinedu. He was so caring person and I wondered why he was not married. I really wanted to know why a good man like uncle Chinedu was not yet married but I was not sure it was a question I wanted to ask him. "Sooner or later, you will be bold to ask him" I thought to myself. Myself and Uncle Chinedu were beginning to get close because sometimes when mum had to go out, he stayed at home with us.

Thank you so much for stopping by, we hope to see you next week as we continue with this series.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown