Every Attention I got was a Blessing! 3

At first it was Tunde, I really could not resist the attention I got from him. He was so calm and handsome and I was really shocked that he would walk up to someone like me to have a conversation. "Why was I still looking down on myself though?" I really could not answer this question. I just enjoyed the attention and I was soon going back to where I was coming from. We got talking and yes, I gave him my number. Please do not be quick to judge my actions. I really desired to be different and I worked hard at it but then it just did not seem to be happening.

Can I just say here that transforming yourself and changing your mentality about something does not come easy. It takes you making a conscious effort to keep up with the new you.  You will make mistakes and fall while trying to bring about a change but you have to keep pushing until you get to that desired place. I knew when I was going back to the old me! I knew when I was allowing the existence of non-facial beauty affect me but then I allowed it! I let myself be deceived again and again.  It was a hard time for me and although I fell, I had many people who were there to encourage me and so I decided not to give up.

I began to push hard again, I really needed to get this self-worth, in fact I had to. I needed to realise that not every attention I got I was a blessing. I needed to learn that I need not be with every guy that shows an interest in me. To be honest while some interests by guys might be genuine, others are not. I was still on this quest and because of this a lot had happened to me. Sincerely speaking, I experienced the good, bad and ugly. I have felt love but also been seriously beaten; I have been cared for but also jilted; I have been approached but also rejected…

I have my regrets allowing just anyone get into my space just because I wanted to find the right person and now despite being with over an uncountable number of guys, I have realized that ‘you do not find the right person by jumping from one relationship to another'. You also do not find the right guy by reducing your standard because you feel you are at a disadvantage. I thought I was at a great disadvantage because I was not facially beautiful, little did I know that there was more to beauty than the facial beauty. The sincere but painful truth is that -  it is not every guy that looks cute that is for you. Not every guy that appears to be cool headed is for you. I say ‘appears’ because some people only look cool but are not cool in the real sense of it.

I am definitely a walk in progress. I am not yet where I want to be but I am working really hard to get there. A lot has changed about me and I am gradually getting over this whole feeling of not being beautiful. I have made mistakes due to the wrong mentality that I had but I am moving past my mistakes. I have come to realize that there is no crime in making mistakes but the greatest crime is in failing to learn from those mistakes. It has been a long journey but I am definitely making good progress. I am a better me (I know that).

Thank you so much for stopping by to read this post. I hope you have learnt a thing or two from this story. And for those who have asked me or wondered, it is not my personal story.

We hope to see you here again. Have a blessed week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

Every Attention I got was a Blessing! 2

Attending this conference is the best thing that has happened to me in a while (I am very serious). Although I attended the conference reluctantly, I learnt a whole lot and I am glad that I did not decline the invite. From the different speakers, I was able to figure out that I was indeed beautiful and I could beautify my life the more by working on certain areas of my life and developing myself. Before this conference, I had focused on my facial beauty so much that I was already losing the inner beauty which is more important. I learnt that although a beautiful face is good, that is not what necessarily keeps a man. The facial beauty could fade but the inner beauty never fades.

In fact, one of the speakers had spoken like she had a book where every single thing about my life and all the incidences that had occurred were written. She was so down to earth, yet so real. She talked about the fact that many people give excuses for acting in a particular way or engaging in a particular act. According to her: “your so called disadvantage should not push you to a greater disadvantage. The fact that you think you are not good enough or not beautiful enough, should not make you do crazy things”. This was definitely for me. I knew and accepted that I was not facially beautiful but I also allowed this ‘thought’ of mine push me to doing crazy things and this definitely was not good for me.

I decided to make a conscious effort to develop my inner self. I began to work on myself when I realized that even though I did not consider myself facially beautiful, I could work on my character and charisma which would get people attracted to me. I began to read a lot because I also wanted to be able to have intellectual conversations with people. This ‘inner-self’ development was going on well but I sometimes fell back to where I was coming from.

The supermarket guy (SG) and I remained friends but remember I said that I was not sure about being ready to commit to any relationship. The conference made it worse for me. Worse in the sense that it made me decide to cut off contacts with guys for a few months so that I could really work on myself and get my self-esteem. He seemed really nice and different from the other guys I had ever had anything to do with but I was quite different now from when he met me. I was still lonely but I now had a different view about life generally and I was ready to be a better me.

SG’s attitude towards me was beginning to change and I guess this was as a result of the new thinking cap that I had put on. I refused to give an answer to him but I still wanted us to be friends. He was obviously not ready to accept my lovely offer of friendship so he left. He had asked me to do something that the former me (i.e. before the conference) would have done, regardless of the short time in which I met him but thankfully at this time there was a change. I was so glad that I could say no because this rarely happened. I had gotten so used to doing somethings that I said yes without thinking when the request came. 

Despite all these positive changes and development, there were times that I would still look at any guy and say “maybe he is the one” and the moment he came to speak to me, that was it. The decision to avoid contact with guys for a few months did not last long at all. I got into further relationships and worse things happened to me. I thought I had grown! I thought I had gotten to the point where I could boldly say that all that I did was now in my past! I thought I was beginning to re-enhance my self-worth but I was quite far from it. I fell again!

Please stay tuned! Do not go anywhere!

Thank you so much for stopping by, we hope to see you next week.

OneLove,
SomzyBrown

Every Attention I got was a Blessing!

I was so tired of staying at home, so I decided to take a stroll out of the estate where I live. To be honest, I just wanted to be able to see people and know that I was not alone in this world (smiles). My younger sister who lived with me had moved out of the house because she could not cope with my ‘frustrated’ self. So I was home alone! The estate was so quiet and as I passed by, I could barely count one or two people on my way. I therefore decided to go to the supermarket. My thought was that “at least there will be some people there”. Indeed I was right, there were a lot of people at the supermarket and I made a new friend.

I met him at a supermarket not too far from the house. “He is charming and friendly” I thought to myself. He smiled at me and said “hey beautiful, can I have a chat with you?” No one had ever referred to me as beautiful and at that point I was almost getting depressed on the fact that I was ugly. This name was worth more than gold to me but I had to be careful - “Is this a name he calls every woman or lady he sees or am I really beautiful?” I could not help but ponder.

I had gotten so carried away with the fact that he had called me beautiful and I had forgotten to respond. “Hello!!” he said trying to remind me of the question he asked. “Oh I’m sorry, yes you can” I responded. We began to talk and he saw me as an interesting person but was I really an interesting person? I had serious doubts about who I was and this was bad for me. He further asked “I will like to continue this conversation with you, can I have your number please?” I was not going to say no to this, I was lonely and bored so why not? “Yes, this is it…”

We became friends and in less than two weeks, he popped the question. Do you think two weeks was too quick? Well I thought it was because we barely knew each other even though it seemed like we had grown close so fast. I was not sure I was ready to commit to anything yet and you will get to understand why. He acted like a good person. I say ‘acted’ because I have met many good actors in this life. People who you could call the nicest people but the moment you got into a relationship with them, everything changed. It was just safe for me to assume that everyone was an actor until proven otherwise.

Although I was really lonely, I had made some costly mistakes which I was not willing to make again. I was on the quest to finding the right man and so every guy I met appeared to be a potential one. The fact that I felt I was ugly made it worse for me and so every attention I got was a blessing. I am sure you are surprised at the use of the word ‘blessing’. To be honest, getting attention from guys was worth more than gold because this rarely happened.  I was tired of being or feeling so cheap (i.e. jumping at every guys request because it was rare) but then that seemed like the only way to boost my self-pride. Was it really working though? No!!!!

I could tell no one about this but then I finally decided to speak to a friend who made it a point of duty to encourage me in every way she could. Her encouragement meant a lot to me and I was grateful that I had finally let out my feelings to someone. She called me one day and told me about a Women's conference that she attends and which has helped her a lot. She invited me for the women’s conference but I was not willing to attend. She made me see reasons why I needed to attend but was I going to attend?

Stay tuned as I continue with this next week.

Thank you so much for stopping by. We cannot wait to have you back next week. Until then, stay blessed.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

WE CAN MAKE THIS WORK!

On my way out with some of my friends, we heard some women having a conversation and one of them said “if my husband does…I will just divorce him”. This struck a conversation between us and we expressed our shock as to how nowadays people are not willing to tolerate even the littlest mistake in marriage. In the words of one of my friends, “people treat marriage like relationships”. Although relationships are not just to be broken anyhow (hence the need to be extremely careful before getting into one), a relationship can be broken. A relationship is way different from a marriage because you have not yet said “I do” to the person you are with.

Marriage is way different and it is sadly gradually becoming really trivialized. He comes back late from work and you go “I cannot deal with this” or maybe she forgets to cook for you and you go “I am tired of this woman”.  No one is trying to say that coming back late from work is good or bad but then, you cannot at the slightest mistake/error/mishap say that you want to divorce a man or a woman. The truth is that the other woman that you think will cook that food when you divorce this one or the other man you think would come back early from work when you divorce him, might do that but then they would also have areas that you are not comfortable with. So are you going to keep divorcing and remarrying? Think about this!

The problem we have nowadays is that because this divorce thing has become very common, many people (especially youths) now go into marriage with the idea that “if he/she misbehaves, I will divorce him/her”. This is a very wrong mentality and we need to be careful about this. It is wrong and highly unadviceable for you to ever go into a marriage with the idea behind your heart that once your partner does something wrong, you will just get a divorce. I remember a Pastor once said “My wife and I made up our minds when we got married that divorce is not an option” and this got me thinking. We can learn from this: DIVORCE SHOULD NOT BE AN OPTION and should not be the first thing we think about when something in our marriage goes wrong.

Sadly but truly, people are no longer willing to tolerate even the littlest thing and this is really bad. There are extreme cases, I agree that might warrant you making that decision and I would not go into that today. But my focus is on the fact that we need to start renewing our minds about this divorce thing. We need to start working on being patient and tolerant people and not giving up at the slightest opportunity or mistake.

If you are already married, please try not to think of divorce at the slightest opportunity. Please try to be willing to make things work no matter what it may cost you. Your marriage is not a football ground where players can just be changed anyhow. Marriage is deeper than this and so we need to be extremely careful. Please be patient! I am not in your shoes and I might not know how difficult it is for you at the moment but you can think deeply about it. Your marriage is workable! Maybe just a little patience, a little understanding will help. If you are going through this, I really pray God helps you with this and gives you wisdom.

For those of us that are not yet married, we need to consciously get this mentality out of our heads! Please do not get married to anybody with the thoughts that “if he or she makes a mistake, you will just get a divorce”. This is wrong. We have to build ourselves to the level that we become very tolerant and patient people. Marriage is the coming together of two different people from different backgrounds and sometimes with different characters. What this implies is that there would be a clash but then how you handle the clash or differences is what matters.

God’s standard has not changed and this is different from belonging to the old school or new school. God says that “He hates divorce” and so that is His standard so why do we think that being a 21^st century Christian or person changes this standard? No! It does not in anyway.

I really pray for each and every one of us (myself inclusive) that God will help us to understand the real essence of marriage so that we do not take it for granted. I pray that we exhibit the fruits of the Spirit so that our marriages will be better for it. I pray for a high level of tolerance and understanding in Jesus name (Amen!)

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

I LOST INTEREST IN WHAT WE HAD!

A friend of mine once said “It is bad to force someone to remain in a relationship with you when you know that the person has lost interest”. This is true because whatever is done out of force is not genuine if we are to be sincere with ourselves. The truth is that you cannot get the best out of someone when he or she is forced to do something. If you force someone to remain in a relationship with you (or get into a relationship with you) when it is evident that such person has lost interest, then you will most probably get the worst from that person.

Let me share a story with you:

I know of a lady (in fact more than one) who is in a ‘relationship’ but the unfortunate thing is that she is not in a relationship with someone who loves or has regard for her. How do I know this? The guy shows no sign that he loves or cares about her by the way he treats her and then the question that comes to mind is “did he really ask her to be in a relationship with him? And if he did, what then changed?”. This guy maltreats her and like I said earlier, he has little or no regard for her. From his actions,  one or two things could be implied. It is possible that the lady likes him more than he likes her or he actually did not ask her out and was forced to be in that relationship.

Do people find themselves in such situations? Yes! But should they remain in a relationship that yields no fruit of love? No! From this story, he has lost interest, so what else are you looking for? He does not regard you and he maltreats you. Do you think this is going to change by you remaining there and washing his feet? No! We need to be wise about things like this. If a guy or lady has no interest in the relationship and it is glaring that things cannot work out, please never force him or her to remain. Because if you do, the outcome will not be something enjoyable. It is possible that he or she needs space and you need to give him or her that space. 

You have your self-worth, you need your self-worth please.

Haven said all that, this is a different ball game when you are married! Yes, it is. Before you got married it is believed that you had taken your time to think it through and therefore made the decision to get married to that person. I am not trying to say that people do not change but this is a life commitment and you need to be careful of how you handle it. However, I do not think you would have gotten married to someone that you do not love or that does not love you in the first place.

Another important thing is  - Forgiveness!

Many times people wrong us, offend us, betray our trust... and will there be a time that people will stop getting us offended? No! But even when we are wronged or offended (i.e. based on the fact that he or she broke up with you or left you without a valid reason) you must be willing to let go.   It could be really difficult to do this especially when you feel that you have invested so much into the relationship but then you keep hurting yourself by failing to forgive your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend for whatever wrong that he or she has done to you. What works for me is that regardless of how hurt I feel about what someone has done to me, I try to help that person see reasons for why he acted in the way he did. This might not work for you but you definitely need to find something that works. This is because you cannot keep holding on to an offense, as much as possible, you should be without offence and avoid any headache.

When you fail to forgive, you hurt yourself more. This is true because sometimes the person that has wronged you has moved on in life but you are still there getting upset. I fully understand that it is not very easy to let go, but you really need to work hard at this. One way to easily forgive is to pray for the people who have wronged you. This might not sound right to you but it definitely works.

Thank you so much for stopping by and we hope to see you next week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

I DID IT COS I HAD TO...

So based on the different comments that people sent to me about the “he put a ring on it” story, we have some things to discuss.

The first thing is Desperation. There is a lot of pressure being put on people lately and it is really sad. It is easy to say that it is these ‘pressured’ people that are allowing the pressure but I tell you, it is not easy. In as much as they might not want to feel the pressure, the moment a million people keep saying the same thing to you, you are programmed to think about it regardless of whether you want to or not.

But then should desperation or pressure lead you to marry just anybody or say yes to just anybody? No! I am sure you were expecting that answer. It should not. You have your self-worth whether you believe it or not and it does not matter that you are fat, thing, ugly, beautiful, disabled etc. none of this is and should be a factor to make you desperate to get married. Marriage is good and enjoyable but please do not get into a relationship or accept a proposal because you feel it’s the only or last opportunity that you will ever have.

You have your self-worth whether you believe it or not and it does not matter that you are fat, thing, ugly, beautiful, disabled etc...

In this story, it could be said that Bunmi was desperate to get married. She had insecurity issues and so a man proposing marriage to her, took that insecurity away. At last, someone saw her as ‘marriable’ and this was exciting for her. Although Tunde had not expressly told her that he wanted to marry her, neither had he given her a ring to show for it, he obviously loved and cared about her. However, this was not sufficient for Bunmi. Having said that, this has nothing to do with the length of time that people court for. We talked about time because she had barely left a relationship and then gbam! She's getting married. I know of a couple who courted for 3 months and got married afterwards. Guess what? They are still doing very well till today. It is more about the reason for accepting a proposal than the length of time it takes to get engaged and get married.

Desperation could lead you to making a costly mistake and this is why you need to check your reasons for saying or deciding to say yes to anybody. If any decision is to be made in haste or made out of self-pity or made out of the discouraging words of relatives and friends, it is definitely not the decision of marriage. Yes, you heard that! Do not be in a haste to make the decision to get married to someone. The people who push you will not be there to help you in your marriage and as such this should make you extremely careful. The truth is that you do not want to get married and then start blaming yourself and killing yourself for having made such decision (i.e. getting married to someone that you do not even know well).

How do we deal with this? patience! Patience! Take a deep breath and do not rush. You are over 30? You are in your early 40’s ? Yes, please be patient and develop yourself. Which is better? To be with the person that will love and take good care of you though he comes late or to get married in a haste to someone who cares no bit about you. Also let me just drop this here: Please never force yourself on a guy or on a lady! And this leads to our next discussion …stay with us and see you next week.

Thank you so much for stopping by, we truly appreciate you.

OneLove,
Somzybrown

HE PUT A RING ON IT! 2

Despite all attempts by Tunde to make Bunmi stay with him, she decided to leave him. In other words, she broke up with him. It was so hard for Tunde to cope with this. He was so pained, hurt and could not come to terms with the fact that he had been left alone. Bunmi felt really bad that she had to do this to one of the coolest and nicest guys that she had met but then she moved on quickly. Remember that she had been in 10 relationships already? Breaking up was not new, she only felt bad because Tunde was a good guy.

Tunde was still trying to get over Bunmi, it was difficult but he was getting there gradually. Something then happened - while on instagram one day, he saw a picture of a lady who looked like Bunmi and another guy. This picture was quite funny and he could not believe his eyes. He called another friend of his to try help him see who the lady in the picture was and of course it was his dear Bunmi. She had just gotten proposed to and the guy had put a ring on her finger. Whao! How could this have happened in less than 5 months?

Tunde had many questions in his heart. “Is it that she was double-dating while she was with me? Or had she been a relationship with the guy before? When did they both meet, become friends, get into a relationship and then…?” All the answers to his questions were no where to be found. Bunmi’s insecurities had to do with the fact that she was not ‘marriable’ or she felt she was not marriable. Someone broke that by asking for her hand in marriage and it did not matter to her whether herself and the guy were good together.

But really, is that good enough? What do we think?  I really want to hear opinions on this.

I do not like to judge, in fact I have no right to judge any one and so I cannot (to be honest no one is permitted to judge anyone). However, I am forced to think really deep about what could have happened. But what will my thoughts do? My thoughts cannot change what has happened. Anyway now that the guy has put a ring on it and yes they are getting married soon, what can be done? While trying to analyse this whole matter, my friend said to me – “What do ladies like about rings?” Although I had no answer to this question, I was not shocked because some other guys have asked me the same question. Now to my fellow ladies, what do we like about rings?

My friend jokingly made a statement, well maybe he actually meant it – “since it is about this ring matter, the next girl I meet or ask out will get a ring immediately. At least the ring would make her stay”. Although he was in so much pain saying this, he got me laughing but of course I had to laugh in my heart. Is it all ladies that would jump into a relationship or remain in one because the guy has given them a ring?  Personally if anyone tries that with me, he has failed because I am not really about the rings. What about you? I mean I love rings but rings with nothing attached to it and so if you give me a ring because you just want me to remain with you, hmmmm...

It is no news that now a days, many ladies are ‘really moved’ by the fact that he is or he has plans to propose and not about the most important things. Ring does not equal commitment, neither does it equal love. Rings and proposals are good, don’t get me wrong but they are good if they are done for the right reasons. That he gives you a ring does not mean that he loves you! The fact that he gives you a ring does not mean that he would be committed to you.

In those days when and if a ring was given, you were sure that the two people involved were sincere and wanted to get married for the right reasons. It is therefore sad that these days, ladies even force a guy to give them a ring. They threaten to leave the relationship if he does not give them a ring. Mehn! With this ring issue, we have to be very careful. Guys seem to feel that this a weak point for many ladies and they are capitalising big time on this.

We definitely have some issues to talk about and so we hope to see you again next week. But before then, please drop your comments and advices for Tunde and some 'Bunmi's' out there. Thank you so much for stopping by.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown