That Gish Gish Feeling!

"Gish Gish in this write-up means Sensation" 

"Open the doors and windows if no one is around you, that way you will be careful...although I would say that it is better to always have people around you..." These were some of the words from the advice given to me by my Mentor. "Thank you so much ma. Thank you for not judging me and thank you so much for listening to me. I will practice all you've said but I'ld appreciate you checking up on me." We had spent 2 hours discussing about an issue I had and I was grateful for her advice and hoped that it would be a lasting solution.

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I grew up in Church and I had heard a thousand and one times that it was wrong and in fact a sin to have sex with the opposite sex until marriage. In fact, my Pastor always said these words over and over again "...keep the marriage bed undefiled..." These words soon became a worship song because of the consistency and passion with which he often said it. Trust youths to be very funny, whenever he came up to preach or give an exhortation, regardless of the topic for the day, we all shouted "keep the bed undefiled".

As much as I grew up knowing that pre-marital sex was wrong, nobody ever told me what to do to prevent it from happening. The secondary school warning from my mum that "if you go near a man, you will get pregnant" had proven to be false and I was now on my own. I had to figure this out somehow. I couldn't talk to any member of my fellowship about it because they all felt it wasn't a matter to be discussed.

Not sure of what to do and how to act when I was alone with a guy, I decided to avoid it by all means. I told myself that "it is better to stay away from men altogether than to get close and permit unexplainable acts". I stayed away from getting into a relationship and avoided talking to my male friends for too long. But for how long was I going to run away from men because of the fear of how to handle them? Was I not interested in getting married? And if I was, won't I need to get into a relationship first? Many people had shown interest in me but I ran with the speed of light as soon as they made their intentions known.

Continuing with this avoidance spirit was becoming annoying not just to my male friends but also to me. I felt a deep sensation when I was with a particular friend of mine but because of all that I had learnt both from Church and my fellowship, I began to bind and cast this feeling. "It must be the devil trying to make me feel this way." I thought to myself and the binding and casting increased as a result of this thought. Little did I know that it was okay to feel that way but not to awaken it until the time is ripe. I began to wonder why the devil was making me feel this way and so to avoid such feelings, I decided to stay away from this friend whom it appeared the devil was using.  

But was staying away the ideal thing and was it sustainable?

To be continued 

Thanks for stopping by. Please keep staying safe and may God keep us all in good and perfect health. Amen!

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

THIS THING CALLED LOVE. 2

After Collins got married, I decided that I would not get into any relationship because I wasn’t ready for sex yet and I also wasn't ready for further heartbreaks. I decided to patiently wait for a good guy because I felt it was worth it. During the waiting period, I met a lot of guys - the rich, the good, the fine, the tall, the romantic, the caring, and my response to their request was always a capital NO. The story however changed when I met Raymond (too soon right?). 

Raymond was extremely romantic and he pampered and spoilt me a lot. The love he showered on me was close to the love my father showed me when he was alive. Ray, as I fondly called him, was a combination of all the good qualities one could imagine. He was tall, handsome, funny, lively, romantic and intelligent. We argued on law related issues sometimes and on other days we discussed political issues. He was aware of my desire to get married as a virgin and tried his best to help me achieve it.

Our relationship seemed perfect and I was glad I had finally found the man of  my dreams. What I didn’t know however was that whenever I was away on holidays, Ray brought in ladies and had sex with them. I never got wind of this until my final year when I suddenly came back to school for something important. I had to stop by his apartment to say hello and caught him red-handed with his ex-girlfriend. That was the end of the relationship.

After graduating from the University, I was lucky to get a very good job. I moved into a new apartment and I was ready to settle down with the next guy I fell in love with. By this time, all my close female friends had gotten married and some already had children. On the other hand, a lot of my male friends were also getting ready to get married but I was still single and it didn't look like I was going to get into any relationship anytime soon. Chuks however came into my life in no time and we fell in love.

This time around, I wasn't interested in sticking to the no-sex rule. Chuks was ready and willing to get married to me so I had no fear about any unwanted pregnancy. Besides, I was 28 and still a virgin, and in all my 28 years of life, being a virgin had never kept any of the previous men I fell in love with. Instead, they cheated on me as they liked and left me in the end. I was determined to keep Chuks. He was very tall, fair and handsome and I was deeply in love with him.

Everything looked perfect until the night I came back from work late. I stopped by his apartment on my way back from work to get something before going to my flat and met him and my best friend in a very compromising position. A month later, I was invited to their wedding. I would never have imagined that they were meeting secretly and had even gotten to the point of getting married. I knew they talked a lot but I assumed that their friendship was nothing but a professional one.

As I stared at their wedding invitation, I concluded that I was a failure. I had failed to find true love and no matter what I did, good or bad, I would never be good enough for any man. So I decided to end it all. The world would be a better place without me in it and everybody will be happy. All my friends were married and I was still single. "What is the use of this life anyway?" I wondered. I walked down the street and bought some very poisonous substance. I got home and after making sure that my flatmate was not in her room, proceeded to take the harmful substance, hoping to end it all. I passed out afterwards and was found by my flatmate when she came back the next morning to rest from the night duty. That was how I ended up in the hospital.

As I recounted all the experiences, I concluded that I was indeed a failure. Not only have I failed to find love, I have also failed to kill myself in the process. Now my life was even going to be more miserable because everyone would know that I had suicidal tendencies, and maybe I would be taken to a psychiatric home. The whole world would blame me for failing, my colleagues at the office would avoid me like a plague. I would be  sad, depressed, and dejected. I wiped the tears from my eyes and sat up on the bed. I reached for a pen and paper and began to write, telling the world my story. My name is Angela, and THIS THING CALLED LOVE, has left my life more miserable and heartbroken than it met me. 

© Chidinma Grace Nwokocha.

Thanks a lot for stopping by, we really appreciate you and hope to see you soon. 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

THIS THING CALLED LOVE

I felt a sharp pain in my head as I slowly opened my eyes, oblivious of my surroundings. At first, everything seemed blurry and I could only hear people murmuring, shouting, screaming and crying. A voice I later recognized as my mother’s kept screaming: “She’s alive. Thank God! Call the doctor quickly”. I wondered what was happening as none of the things I heard made sense to me. Gently, I blinked continuously, getting accustomed to my environment. The first person I noticed was my mother, she was kneeling beside the bed, holding my hands and weeping. My brother was also standing right there with the Bible in his hands. He was lost in deep prayers that he failed to notice that I was already awake. 

My flatmate sat on my bed looking worried. I looked at my hand and the drip hanging above my head. “Hospital? What am I doing here?” I asked. My flatmate narrated that she came into my room and met me lying on the floor unconscious so she hurriedly took me to the hospital where she worked and called my mother who arrived with my brother. She further said that I had been in the hospital for a week with no signs of recovery, and just when everyone was losing hope, I suddenly opened my eyes. "Me? Unconscious? What could have happened?" I wondered again. I thought for a bit and slowly began to remember the events that happened up until that fateful day when I tried to take my own life.

I met Dan at a time when I was not prepared for a relationship. I was 15 years old and I was fortunate to have gained aadmission into the University at that age. Not only was I so young, I was also very naïve. I was still a virgin and I had received several preachings from my pastor and mother about the importance of getting married as a virgin. So when Dan asked me to be his girlfriend, I was reluctant to say yes because I knew the kind of immoral things people engaged in at the University and I did not want to be a part of it. Above all, I wanted to honour God with my body. But Dan persisted...

He was so nice and funny. He showered me with so much love and affection that after much persuasion from friends, I said yes to him. However, I gave him a strict condition that the relationship must be one with 'no-sex' . He agreed and we started dating. Unfortunately after a month, he got tired of the no-sex thing and then series of cheating began. He cheated shamelessly and sometimes brought the ladies into my apartment. He had a key to my room and so whenever I travelled, my room became his haven. His relationships with these other ladies continued until the day I walked in and caught him having sex with one of them. This happened after one year of dating Dan. His unruly attitude had become too much for me to handle and so we decided to bring the relationship to an end. I found out years later that he got married to someone else and they had 2 kids. That was my first attempt at love.

My second love was Collins. Collins was a perfect gentleman and when I presented the rules and regulations to guide the relationship, he had no difficulty accepting them. He appeared to be a good Christian, the type of guy that my mum had advised me to get married to. I was hopeful that we would keep the bed undefiled until our wedding day when I would present my virginity to him as my wedding gift. Collins was already a graduate, he was responsible and had a job already. He made it clear from the beginning that he wasn’t just asking for a relationship but that he was willing to make me his wife and the mother of his kids. He sounded honest and genuine so I had no difficulty believing him. 

At least, this was a better option. "I would get married to him and that way, I would not need to keep him waiting and risk being cheated on again. I also would not need to commit sexual immorality with him." I thought to myself. Collins and I had only dated for a year when I got the shock of my life. My housemate had informed me of a letter that came in for me. After much thoughts on what the content of the letter could be, my eyes beheld an invitation to attend Collin's wedding ceremony. I could  not believe my eyes. After all the promises Collins made to me, he was getting married to another person. This was unbelievable but that was not the most painful part of the whole thing.

To be continued...

Chidinma Grace Nwokocha 

Thanks a lot for stopping by and we hope to see you next week. 

OneLove, 

SomzyBrown.

WHERE IS MY LOVE?

You set the fire of love, burning fiercely in my heart;

I let it loose, watched it go wild 

As it burnt my soul.

Your demeanor is not of a deceiver,

So I recklessly left my heart in your care.

I woke up and you were gone, I searched for you; 

On hills of love; passed through the wilderness of lust

And walked straight to the valleys of deceit

Looking for you my lover.

Hoping you possibly missed the route 

That leads straight to my heart

Maybe if I find you, I can show you the path

You once walked.

My love, the lover,

You taught me how to start this flame of love,

Not how to quench it.

Now I have burnt cities,

Save me from burning the world.

Where is my love?

Where is my lover?

Dolapo Oyesiji

Thanks a lot for stopping by and I hope you enjoyed the poem. See you next week by God's grace. Stay safe!

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

WHY I HAD TO FINALLY LET MEN GO. 2

Tega and Oluchi got really close and they kept in touch even after they had written their ICAN exam. She spoke to Tega about all her experiences with men and sometimes Tega adviced her on what to do and what not to do. Their friendship got deeper until Tega began to say that he was interested in her. She made him know that she did not want a relationship and she wasn't interested in any. Tega couldn't believe his ears. "I thought you wanted something more than friendship" he said. Oluchi was surprised because she was just being a nice and friendly girl. She did not want a relationship and she was shocked that Tega misinterpreted her actions. She thought he was different... Oluchi therefore decided that she would no longer keep close make friends and in fact decided to stop being nice.

Now lets discuss guys,

I believe that it is good to be kind, nice and friendly and nobody should be forced to change this wonderful and beautiful personality. However, there are certain steps that need to be taken to avoid a misinterpretation of one's kind and lovely nature.

From the post before the last (He led me on), certain questions were raised because Cindy felt that the guy in question led her into thinking that they were in a relationship. When she heard he was getting married, she was in serious shock and fell into depression because she had expectations (though he hadn't said anything about a relationship). How do we manage such expectations from guys or men that we are close to especially when they haven't said anything about a relationship? There's also the case of Oluchi who is just a naturally friendly lady but whose actions have been misinterpreted by men who think she wants something extra from them.

The truth is that some people get close to others because they genuinely care. Some people show or pay attention to the affairs of others because it is in their nature to be kind and caring. But how do we draw the line?

For those of us who are very caring with no intentions, we need to make it clear from the beginning. I remember a time when someone expressed that he felt special because I gave him something. Although I didn't want to burst his bubbles and stop him from feeling special, I immediately told him in the nicest but firmest way possible that I had given some other guys the same thing as well. My saying that possibly broke his heart a bit but at least it made him realise that as much as I was nice to him, I was nice to other guys like himself. 

Some people might not be as bold to let others know that the reason they are caring is just because it is the way they are and that there are no strings attached but you have to hint it in some ways. Or if you are in the position where you think that the niceness is beyond normal, then please ask questions. I always say that it is better to break someone's heart in the beginning of a friendship than to break his/her heart when emotions have gotten involved. It is more difficult in the latter and by that time you might be accused of leading someone on.

The steps I will advice we take are:

1. Never assume that the fact that someone is nice to you means that they want a relationship. This would save you from expecting a relationship when in actual fact what the other person wants is friendship.

2. Ask questions when you notice that someone is being too nice or caring...do not feel ashamed to do this because it is better to ask early enough than to wait till when emotions have gotten involved deeply and it is too late.

3. If you're naturally a nice and caring person, do not because of bad experiences decide to change your personality but please always make it clear that your intentions are pure so that the other person doesn't think otherwise.

4. If he has not asked you out (and please this must be clearly stated and not assumed), then there is no relationship. This has destroyed a lot of people. I know of someone who was in this situation for 4 years. The guy didn't clearly state that he wanted a relationship but the lady assumed that they were in one until he introduced her to his fiancee.

Yes we are a new generation but please the man 'asking' hasn't changed. If he really loves you, he would let you know. Please do not assume for him. Also ladies, it is not in your place to ask a man out. I know you'd say this is old school but really it isn't. However, this is a talk for another day. As a lady, it is in your place to save yourself from future hurt and you can clarify things by asking for his intentions if he is refusing to say anything and is just being overly nice but it is not in your place to ask the man out. I beg of you, please don't do it.

I really hope that this post has been helpful. 

Thank you so much for stopping by. We hope to see you again.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown. 

WHY I HAD TO FINALLY LET MEN GO.

Tega and Oluchi met at a Tutorial centre for ICAN in Port Harcourt. He liked Oluchi because of her friendly nature and the fact that she was a smart lady also attracted her to him. Tega was a good guy and Oluchi was a lovely lady. The two began their friendship and it was fun because they both had a lot in common. They spent a lot of time studying together and from this activity, discovered more about themselves. Oluchi was a nice, friendly and playful lady. She had a lot of male friends and Tega had just been added to the list. 

Although Oluchi was a sweet and nice lady, her actions had been misinterpreted times without number. In fact her mum had once warned her about her 'too friendly nature' "Nne, be careful how you show this your friendly nature to men abeg! You know how they think so biko don't pass across the wrong message... Remember what Mama Obinna said? Please I don't want trouble" "Mama, you know as well as I do that I am always careful especially when it comes to guys or men. You also know that Mama Obinna just wanted to tarnish my image...But I have heard you Mama, I will be more careful" 

Oluchi had no idea on how to reduce the way she cared and showed love because it was just in her nature to do so. She understood perfectly what her mum meant but she was not sure of how to go about it. Obinna's mum had told her mum that Oluchi was always trying to force herself on her son and that she did not like it. Oluchi was surprised to hear it as she thought that her friendship with Obinna was very clear. This statement by Mama Obinna and the reminder her mum gave really affected her. She then decided to stop talking to guys and the idea of having close male friends was thrown into the gutters because she was scared of them saying that she was leading them on or that she wanted something extra from them.

The attempt at taking this step was extremely hard for Oluchi and she kept feeling bad because a part of her was about to be taken away all in the name of not giving a wrong impression. The truth is that Oluchi preferred guys to ladies because she just felt that ladies had too much trouble. Where was she going to start from? And was she sure that she wouldn't keep getting these misinterpretations from men? It was indeed a hard step to take. It was during this attempt to stay away from men that she met Tega. "Tega seems different and I just hope that he would not misinterpret my actions like others have done" She said to herself.

To be continued...

Thanks a lot for stopping by and we hope to see you next week by God's grace. Please keep staying safe and I know that this phase would come to an end very soon in Jesus name, Amen.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

HE LED ME ON 2

Our friendship continued even after he graduated from the University. He made a first class and was the best graduating student of his set. After he graduated, he got into the Nigerian Law School, after which he had to undergo the mandatory National Youth Service. Being employed in one of the best law firms in Nigeria was not surprising as he is very intelligent.  He worked for some months before he travelled to London for his Masters degree.

I knew his trip to London for Masters would lead to a separation and distance between us for at least 9 months but I was hopeful. In the beginning of the distance, I did not really feel his absence because he called every night on whatsapp video call. Even when he changed his number to a UK one, he called to ensure that I had his new number and to avoid communication gap. 

I figured out later that his dad is very wealthy and influential and this discovery made me realise why he could afford to have a car as a student in the University (which was not common) and also travel to London for his Masters degree. I was consoled in the fact that if things worked out between us, he would be the guy who would help me come out from the chains of poverty that I had wallowed in all these years. I was hopeful!

We kept communicating and on one of such days, I asked about his marriage plans. He informed me that he had the intention to get married immediately after his masters programme. By my calculation, I would be close  to the end of my youth service at the same time and I would also be ready to get married. I was happy as this calculation was in line with his. My dreams of finally settling down with a successful man who would support my career as well was gradually coming to reality.

We continued our communication every night until few months to the end of his Masters program. During this period, he stopped calling frequently and the chats reduced drastically. I called several times but his phone rang unanswered. I also sent series of messages which he left unreplied. Whenever he decided to pick my call or reply my messages, he would apologise but the next minute, we were back to him not picking and not replying.

My instincts told me something was wrong but I couldn’t place it until I was told he had returned to Nigeria. I tried making up or at least finding out what the problem was but to no avail. I kept getting rejections and being ignored until that fateful day when my friend called me to break the news to me - He was getting married to someone else.

I became the laughing stock of the town. "How did you think that he would get married to you?" Some asked me. Truly, we were not in the same social class and even though I had struggled to get a better life for myself than I had before, I still wasn’t good enough for him. I cried, but as I cried I couldn’t help but ask some silly rhetorical questions: If he knew from the beginning that I wasn’t good enough for him, why did he come in the first place? Why was he so nice to me? Why did he come so close? Why did he take special interest in my affairs? Why did he become my friend? Why did he keep admiring my shape and making me feel special? Why did he do all that he did? Why? Why? Why? 

Unfortunately, it seems that even as I write this story, I would never get any answer to these questions. I had been broken and my innocent heart was shattered. I slumped into depression, developed low self-esteem and inferiority complex and I swore never to love again. My name is Cindy and this was my first attempt at love, marriage and relationship.

Chidinma Grace Nwokocha 

Thanks for stopping by and we hope to see you soon by God's grace. Please stay safe and may God keep us all, amen.

OneLove, 

SomzyBrown.