Tega and Oluchi got really close and they kept in touch even after they had written their ICAN exam. She spoke to Tega about all her experiences with men and sometimes Tega adviced her on what to do and what not to do. Their friendship got deeper until Tega began to say that he was interested in her. She made him know that she did not want a relationship and she wasn't interested in any. Tega couldn't believe his ears. "I thought you wanted something more than friendship" he said. Oluchi was surprised because she was just being a nice and friendly girl. She did not want a relationship and she was shocked that Tega misinterpreted her actions. She thought he was different... Oluchi therefore decided that she would no longer keep close make friends and in fact decided to stop being nice.
Now lets discuss guys,
I believe that it is good to be kind, nice and friendly and nobody should be forced to change this wonderful and beautiful personality. However, there are certain steps that need to be taken to avoid a misinterpretation of one's kind and lovely nature.
From the post before the last (He led me on), certain questions were raised because Cindy felt that the guy in question led her into thinking that they were in a relationship. When she heard he was getting married, she was in serious shock and fell into depression because she had expectations (though he hadn't said anything about a relationship). How do we manage such expectations from guys or men that we are close to especially when they haven't said anything about a relationship? There's also the case of Oluchi who is just a naturally friendly lady but whose actions have been misinterpreted by men who think she wants something extra from them.
The truth is that some people get close to others because they genuinely care. Some people show or pay attention to the affairs of others because it is in their nature to be kind and caring. But how do we draw the line?
For those of us who are very caring with no intentions, we need to make it clear from the beginning. I remember a time when someone expressed that he felt special because I gave him something. Although I didn't want to burst his bubbles and stop him from feeling special, I immediately told him in the nicest but firmest way possible that I had given some other guys the same thing as well. My saying that possibly broke his heart a bit but at least it made him realise that as much as I was nice to him, I was nice to other guys like himself.
Some people might not be as bold to let others know that the reason they are caring is just because it is the way they are and that there are no strings attached but you have to hint it in some ways. Or if you are in the position where you think that the niceness is beyond normal, then please ask questions. I always say that it is better to break someone's heart in the beginning of a friendship than to break his/her heart when emotions have gotten involved. It is more difficult in the latter and by that time you might be accused of leading someone on.
The steps I will advice we take are:
1. Never assume that the fact that someone is nice to you means that they want a relationship. This would save you from expecting a relationship when in actual fact what the other person wants is friendship.
2. Ask questions when you notice that someone is being too nice or caring...do not feel ashamed to do this because it is better to ask early enough than to wait till when emotions have gotten involved deeply and it is too late.
3. If you're naturally a nice and caring person, do not because of bad experiences decide to change your personality but please always make it clear that your intentions are pure so that the other person doesn't think otherwise.
4. If he has not asked you out (and please this must be clearly stated and not assumed), then there is no relationship. This has destroyed a lot of people. I know of someone who was in this situation for 4 years. The guy didn't clearly state that he wanted a relationship but the lady assumed that they were in one until he introduced her to his fiancee.
Yes we are a new generation but please the man 'asking' hasn't changed. If he really loves you, he would let you know. Please do not assume for him. Also ladies, it is not in your place to ask a man out. I know you'd say this is old school but really it isn't. However, this is a talk for another day. As a lady, it is in your place to save yourself from future hurt and you can clarify things by asking for his intentions if he is refusing to say anything and is just being overly nice but it is not in your place to ask the man out. I beg of you, please don't do it.
I really hope that this post has been helpful.
Thank you so much for stopping by. We hope to see you again.
OneLove,
SomzyBrown.
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