HOW CAN I LOVE YOU BETTER??

We had a series on love languages some weeks ago and many people who have been unable to read the book (as well as those who have read the book) found it very insightful. I would like to use this opportunity to say a big thank you to everyone who checked it out and dropped kind comments. Please, if you haven't read them, you really should as they would open your eyes to a lot that you might not know about your partner. 

Just incase you're wondering why this is coming up again - I have brought up this topic today because I had a discussion with a friend whose husband is very caring and loving. We (myself and another friend) feel that he does 'too' much (by too much we just mean he is trying so much as a husband...). However, it is funny that this lady friend does not see it that way. According to her, "He is nice and does all these nice things like cook for me, clean the house etc. But these things don't move me..." We expressed so much shock at her reaction but then this brought my thoughts back to this fact:

You can be the nicest person in the world but if you're doing things outside the core love language of your spouse, they might not make a difference to him/her. As said in one of the series, there is a tendency to render acts that are important to you to your spouse. For example, if you love to receive gifts, you will find it easy to give gifts and because it comes naturally to you, you tend to give gifts to your spouse. But if your spouse's love language is acts of service, your gifts might not mean so much to him or her. So you will need to work on rendering acts of service to him/her (I.e. the love language that is important to him/her).

Why are we going back to this? My conversation with this friend just showed how ignorant so many people are on the topic of love languages. If you do not take anything away from today's write-up please take away the fact that your spouse's primary love language could be different from yours. If it is different from yours, then you need to learn his/her love language. After learning it, you should speak your spouse's language to him/her. Speaking your own love language (if your spouse does not have the same love language as you do) is not ideal and you might not get the appreciation that you expect. In fact, it might make your relationship or marriage become stagnant as neither yours or the other person's love tank is full despite the efforts. If you are clueless as to how to go about this, there is no crime in asking your spouse for what makes him/her feel loved. It is better to do this than to waste time doing something that means nothing to him/her.

Is this for married people only? No it's not. This is for everyone whether you're currently in a relationship or not. We all need to learn these things as it would help in our relationships with people that are dare to our hearts. 

Thanks a lot for stopping by. God bless you and have a wonderful week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown 

"BABE, WE CAN TALK THINGS THROUGH PLEASE..."

Bayo and Nike have been married for 2 years and although they are an adorable couple, they have had to deal with a lot of issues. One major issue that the beautiful couple had was based on a misunderstanding that Nike did not respect Bayo and that Bayo did not love Nike. This issue came up in different forms, shapes and sizes and on one of the occasions Bayo said something that really broke Nike's heart.

They had a heated argument and because of pride or let's still call it lack of understanding, no one wanted to be the first to apologise. Bayo felt Nike was the one who was wrong and should apologise and Nike also felt Bayo was at fault. No one was willing to be a fool and so this fight went on for 3 days. They were living in the same house but not saying a single word to each other. Nike couldn't handle it anymore and sent a message to her darling husband on the 3rd day saying, "Please let's talk about this when you get home. I'm not comfortable with the silence between us". Bayo got home and listened to what Nike had to say. While he was trying to explain how he felt, he said "...I've had to ask myself if I married the wrong person..."

The statement made by Bayo was really heart breaking and she really couldn't believe that her husband would say such because they had issues. She didn't like the way he was treating her but she never thought she missed it maritally. She knew that marriage required a lot of patience and understanding and so although the fights and turmoils were discouraging, she had no cause to think that Bayo was the wrong husband for her.

The truth is that in marriage or a relationship, there will always be one issue or the other which should be sorted out but it is not right to say or think that the fact that a couple is having issues means that they married wrongly or the marriage should come to an end. I listened to a relationship personnel recently and she talked about how some people think conflict isn't something that should happen when you're in love. She spoke about the fact that her husband and herself had a lot of issues to the extent that he said "I hate you..." She stated that conflict is normal and should be part of a relationship or marriage. 

You can watch here: https://www.instagram.com/tv/Byfq3c3Fxgm/?igshid=1ru2hetqqjife

You might have issues that will move you to tears but it is not enough reason to think that you married wrongly or that you made a mistake choosing your life partner or being in that relationship. So if you find yourself having isues with your spouse, your first thought or thought at all shouldn't be that you made a mistake. Rather, find a way to resolve it. Conflict is normal but resolving it is key. 

Thanks a lot for stopping by and we look forward to seeing you next week. 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

ARE THERE STILL GOOD MEN OUT THERE?? 2

Femi kept showing signs of willingness and desire to make Bimbo his wife. He was a good man but Bimbo had so many fears, especially the jilting fears. She had prayed for someone like him but she was unsure as to whether he would change or whether he would truly keep to his words and go ahead to get married to her. After so much persistence and assurance, Bimbo decided that she would get married to him. Femi is a good man and she is glad that he came through and that she made the decision to be with him.

Back to the question - Are there still good men out there? This question is one that a lot of people either ask themselves or those around them. Although the topic focuses on men, the same question could be asked for women. A lot of people have been hurt and based on the hurt they have experienced, they jump to the conclusion that "all men are bad" or "all women are terrible". It is this conclusion that pushes people to settle for less. I know that it could be frustrating to meet terrible or bad people but it is not safe to assume that every man or every woman is like that.

I have met many good men and many great women. This is not to dispute the fact that some people act in certain ways that are unbecoming and should never be heard of. However, would we because of these people give up on marriage or come to the conclusion that there are no good men or women out there? NO! Yes we need to be careful, prayerful and watchful but as we can see from Bimbo's story, there are still good men out there.

Our advice to you is not to give up at all. It may appear like time is ticking and nothing is happening but trust me, if you hold on and you can trust God, you will not be put to shame. Please do not because of what people will say or because of the fear that no better man or woman would come, settle for less. Be patient and do not give up. Your good man or woman would come soon in Jesus name. Amen.

Thank you so much for staying with us on this. God bless you. 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

ARE THERE STILL GOOD MEN OUT THERE?

Bimbo and Femi met about 8 months ago and they seem to be making good progress in life (smiles). Bimbo has not exactly had a good experience with guys and in fact she has given up on guys. However, she is beginning to have a rethink because of Femi. They have been friends for 8 months and they have dated for 4 months. From everything that has transpired between them, Femi is a great guy and he appears different from all the guys that Bimbo has ever met or dated. However, Segun (Bimbo's ex boyfriend) was like that when they first started dating. They dated for 3 years and he was really good for about 2 years. It was in the 3rd year that he began to misbehave and finally broke up with her few days to their introduction. 

Who breaks up just before an introduction? Like who really does that? This was devastating for Bimbo. She had experienced a lot of break ups but this one was the worst of all. She almost ran mad and gave herself a heart attack but thank God for God and her parents. She was just beginning to overcome the fear of the relationship not working out which is what led to the delay in introducing Segun to her parents. But what happened? She received a heart break not long after this fear appeared to have gone. 

Bimbo's parents were really upset about Segun's action and if they had their way they would have punished him for what he did to their daughter. Bimbo could not eat or sleep well for days and this was a big worry for her parents. I mean every parent would be worried for their child if they find themselves in the same situation. They knew such experience could be painful but they really didn't want their daughter to kill herself over a man. Bimbo was encouraged by her father who told her that it meant that Segun wasn't right for her and that the right man would come soon. Bimbo wasn't going to have any of her dad's speech until he reminded her of his story - 

Bimbo's dad got married at the age of 40 not because he really wanted to but because he suffered in the hands of many ladies. The final one he thought was right for him and different from others also jilted him. She went with another man because he had more money than Bimbo's dad and because he had promised to take her abroad. The funniest thing is that Bimbo's dad later discovered that she was pregnant for this other man even while they were dating. This was a painful experience for him but he was glad that she broke up because it would have been worse discovering after the marriage that she was carrying a baby for another man.

Another good side of the story is that not too long after the woman left, he found Bimbo's mother whom he describes till today as "the best gift from God". They have had different challenges because of their differences but each time he sees her, he is filled with joy and has no regret that he got married to her. After reminding Bimbo of the gift of her mum to him, he made her realise that there are still good men out there and that in due time she would be found by the right man because his prayers cannot be in vain. 

Could it be that Femi was/is the right man that Bimbo's father has always prayed for? We shall find out next week.

Thank you so much for stopping by and we look forward to seeing you next week. 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES - LOVE IS A CHOICE

Having looked at the 5 love languages (a summary of each), it is important that we conclude with some salient points. The first point is that you have to take a step in knowing which of the love languages is PRIMARY for you and thereafter which is PRIMARY for your spouse. What makes you feel most loved by your spouse? What is that thing that you desire most? What do you think would make your love tank full? Is there something your spouse does or does not do that gets you really upset? What is that thing?

The above questions are just to help guide you in discovering what your primary love language is. Sometimes it could be the opposite of what your spouse does (I.e. if your spouse is always judgmental and critical of you and this gets you really upset, it could mean that your main love language is words of Affirmation). If it grieves you deeply that your spouse rarely gets you a gift (no matter how small), then we can be sure that your primary love language is receiving gifts. If you get totally upset about your spouse's non-reaction/reaction to physical touch, then maybe your love language is physical touch. 

Another way to discover what your primary love language is to see what you love to do for your spouse. There are chances that you do certain things for your spouse because those things are important to you and you expect them to be done in return to you. This in itself isn't absolute because some people carry out certain acts because they have seen others do it. However, it could be a helpful guide in discovering your primary love language.

Many men make the mistake of thinking that their primary love language is physical touch because the male is physically pushed to have sexual release on a regular basis. However, if they check deeply, they will discover that physical touch isn't necessarily their primary love language. It could be for some men but it isn't for all men. A story was shared about a man who said that his primary love language was physical touch but said he would feel unloved if his wife spoke harshly to him than if she refused to have sex with him. After this expression, it was discovered that his primary love language is words of affirmation as this meant more to him than physical touch.

After discovering your primary love language, you have a duty to discover that of your spouse. This could be discovered alongside yours but it all depends on you as an individual. Although it is important that your spouse satisfies you and makes you happy by filling your love tank, you have the same responsibility. 

Love is a choice that we all need to make in the journey of relationship and marriage. If you truly love your spouse, you will make efforts to ensure that his/her love language is carried out/met by you. By doing this, his/her love tank would be full and the truth is that when your love tank is full, you definitely want to make the love tank of your partner full. Do not let your marriage be a routine, let there be friendship and love. Make the choice to make your marriage and your home an amazing place for you, your spouse and children (if you have any).

If your spouse tells you that s/he doesn't feel loved by you, the first step shouldn't be to count all the things you've done to show them love or to defend yourself. Think deeply and ask questions on what you need to do to make them feel loved because for all you care, you might be doing a lot of things which mean nothing to your spouse. Your aim should always be to get your spouse's love tank full and in order to do this, you need to know his/her primary love language.

I pray that each of us will treat our spouse's right by God's grace and that we would make efforts in ensuring that their love tanks are full by discovering their primary love language and fulfilling them.

Thank you so much for staying with us all through. We hope you had time to read through everything, if not please try to read the previous posts and drop your comments if you have any. 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

5 LOVE LANGUAGES - PHYSICAL TOUCH

What does physical touch mean? Is it limited to sex or there are other things involved? Physical touch is not limited to sex. As the phrase implies, it has to do with 'touch' which sex is a part of. According to the author, Gary Chapman, research has shown that children who are held, hugged, kissed, develop a healthier emotional life than children who are left for a longer period of time without physical contact. In the same vein, physical touch is a powerful vehicle for communicating marital love.

It is highly important to discover what your spouse's primary love language is so that you're not giving or doing something you think would be appreciated but means nothing to your spouse. If physical touch is your spouse's primary love language then you have to be very creative on how to go about it. Also the best person to ask is your spouse. As little as holding hands in public might seem, this would mean a lot for a spouse whose primary love language is physical touch. Hugging and/or kissing your spouse before they go out could bring them home sooner than you expect and could make their hearts filled with thoughts of you through out the day. Playing with your spouse's hair, face, are also ways to express love if his/her primary love language is physical touch.

Although there are inappropriate ways to touch someone of the opposite sex in our society, for married couples this is determined by the people involved. So you can ask your spouse about the 'touches' that he or she doesn't like. You can also try out new ways to touch him or her and see what comments s/he makes about it. This way you get to know whether such kind of touch is enjoyable or irritating to your spouse.

Physical touch is a powerful love communicator and Gary Chapman says when your spouse (whose primary love language is physical touch) goes through a crisis, nothing is more important than touching or holding as s/he cries or expresses sadness. During such time, s/he might not need you to say anything because your words at that time may mean little but s/he would expect that you touch or hold them and they will appreciate you for this. The author also says that "your tender touches will be remembered long after the crisis has passed but your failure to touch may never be forgotten"

Having discovered that your spouse's primary love language is physical touch, Gary Chapman gives the following recommendation:

1. Hold his/her hands as you walk to the mall or from the mall.

2. While eating together, let your knee or foot drift over and touch your spouse.

3. Tell your spouse how much you love them and gradually give them a hug or a peck. This does not have to lead to the bedroom. Smiles.

4. Initiate a shoulder massage while your spouse is seated. Continue this for about 5 minutes unless your spouse tells you to stop.

5. If you sit together in Church, hold hands while a prayer is being said. 

6. Give your spouse a foot massage and continue to other parts of your spouse's body as long as it is pleasurable to your spouse.

7. Run the water in the Jacuzzi but if you don't have one, you can call for a bath and have one with your spouse.

8. While you drive, you can touch certain parts of your spouse's body.

9. Touch your spouse in the presence of visiting friends and relatives. It could be a hug, putting your arm around his/her shoulder. It just shows that despite the people around, you still see him/her.

10. When your spouse gets home, meet him or her at the door, outside, garage, street and give him/her a big hug.

Thank you so much for stopping by and we look forward to seeing you next week by God's grace.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

5 LOVE LANGUAGES - ACTS OF SERVICE

Mary and Mark had been married for just 2 years and they both felt unhappy because nothing seemed to be working out. In the words of Mark, they "...barely agreed on anything and quarelled on almost everything." Mark's complaint was that Mary did not do the house chores and this was really annoying to him. Mary's issue with Mark was that he was not willing to help her with some of the house chores even though he did this (helping with chores) while they were dating. She was angry that the things he willingly did while they were dating, he stopped doing when they got married. Mark's reason for not helping with the chores was because his father did not do all of the things Mary expected that he would do. Mark had a stereotype and this affected their marriage.

The above story leads us to the Love Language for today which is "Acts of Service". Acts of service simply means doing what your spouse would love you to do to show love to him or her. These acts include: Washing the dishes; cleaning the house; making food; taking the kids out; folding the clothes; laying the bed; washing the car; taking the trash out etc. For some people, acts of service happens to be their primary love language and they feel very loved when their spouse carries out some or certain activities around the house. However, it is important to note that the acts of service that Mr. A requires might be different from the acts of service that Mr. B would want done and vice versa. Therefore, the fact that your friend's husband always wants her to cook for him and that's a major act of service for him does not mean your own husband would require the same act of service.

Is it possible for spouses to both have acts of service as their primary love language? Yes! It is very possible. This was the case with Mary and Mark. Mark liked Mary to keep the house clean by ensuring that certain chores were done and this according to him would show that Mary loves him. Mary on the other hand would do the chores but she wanted some form of assistance from Mark and this would show Mary that Mark really loves and cares about her. In fact, from the story, we can see that Mark went to Mary's house regularly when they were dating and helped her with chores and this made her love him more. What if this act was one of the reasons she finally decided to get married to him? Maybe she thought "I love men that can help with house chores" and Mark fitted that description perfectly. But then what happened? They got married and he stopped assisting with the chores because of a stereotype from his upbringing.

Some people treat their spouses as a DOOR MAT and not a lover. According to Gary Chapman, a Door Mat is something you step on, manipulate, kick around. Spouses deserve to be loved and not stepped upon. Manipulating is wrong but allowing yourself to be manipulated is more wrong. You must be willing to state what you want and expect from your spouse IN LOVE and IN A NICE WAY and not by making demands or raising your voice.

To fully understand and come to terms with the love language of acts of service, our ideas of the role of men and women would need to be shifted in some way. We live in an age where it is no more clear or agreeable what should be done by a woman and what should be done by a man. Many people saw their fathers carry out certain or no activities in the house and some saw their mothers do majority of the chores and this created a stereotype. Sadly but certainly for your good, you might need to forget about the picture of your parents if your marriage is important to you because you're married now and it is about making your spouse's love tank full and not about what your father did not do or what your mother did. If you realise how important something is to your spouse, you will be willing to break stereotypes if that's what it takes to show him/her love. "There are no rewards for maintaining stereotypes but there are numerous and tremendous benefits for meeting the emotional needs of your spouse". 

It is highly important to note that this is one love language where the pictures of parents come alive. However, these pictures in some way have to be dropped if progress is to be made in each (unique) family. 

If your spouse's primary love language is acts of service, here are some suggestions:

1. Make a list of the requests your spouse has made and try to do 1 every week.

2. Tell your spouse to make a list of the things s/he would love you to do. 

3. Try to remember an act that your spouse has nagged about consistently and try to do it because this in itself is worth more than a thousand roses.

4. If you have more money than time, you can hire someone to carry out the chores which will definitely relieve your spouse of stress. 

5. Ask your spouse to tell you the daily acts of service you could do which would speak love to him or her. 

Thank you so much for stopping by and we look forward to seeing you next week. Have a blessed and fruitful week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown