5 LOVE LANGUAGES - ACTS OF SERVICE

Mary and Mark had been married for just 2 years and they both felt unhappy because nothing seemed to be working out. In the words of Mark, they "...barely agreed on anything and quarelled on almost everything." Mark's complaint was that Mary did not do the house chores and this was really annoying to him. Mary's issue with Mark was that he was not willing to help her with some of the house chores even though he did this (helping with chores) while they were dating. She was angry that the things he willingly did while they were dating, he stopped doing when they got married. Mark's reason for not helping with the chores was because his father did not do all of the things Mary expected that he would do. Mark had a stereotype and this affected their marriage.

The above story leads us to the Love Language for today which is "Acts of Service". Acts of service simply means doing what your spouse would love you to do to show love to him or her. These acts include: Washing the dishes; cleaning the house; making food; taking the kids out; folding the clothes; laying the bed; washing the car; taking the trash out etc. For some people, acts of service happens to be their primary love language and they feel very loved when their spouse carries out some or certain activities around the house. However, it is important to note that the acts of service that Mr. A requires might be different from the acts of service that Mr. B would want done and vice versa. Therefore, the fact that your friend's husband always wants her to cook for him and that's a major act of service for him does not mean your own husband would require the same act of service.

Is it possible for spouses to both have acts of service as their primary love language? Yes! It is very possible. This was the case with Mary and Mark. Mark liked Mary to keep the house clean by ensuring that certain chores were done and this according to him would show that Mary loves him. Mary on the other hand would do the chores but she wanted some form of assistance from Mark and this would show Mary that Mark really loves and cares about her. In fact, from the story, we can see that Mark went to Mary's house regularly when they were dating and helped her with chores and this made her love him more. What if this act was one of the reasons she finally decided to get married to him? Maybe she thought "I love men that can help with house chores" and Mark fitted that description perfectly. But then what happened? They got married and he stopped assisting with the chores because of a stereotype from his upbringing.

Some people treat their spouses as a DOOR MAT and not a lover. According to Gary Chapman, a Door Mat is something you step on, manipulate, kick around. Spouses deserve to be loved and not stepped upon. Manipulating is wrong but allowing yourself to be manipulated is more wrong. You must be willing to state what you want and expect from your spouse IN LOVE and IN A NICE WAY and not by making demands or raising your voice.

To fully understand and come to terms with the love language of acts of service, our ideas of the role of men and women would need to be shifted in some way. We live in an age where it is no more clear or agreeable what should be done by a woman and what should be done by a man. Many people saw their fathers carry out certain or no activities in the house and some saw their mothers do majority of the chores and this created a stereotype. Sadly but certainly for your good, you might need to forget about the picture of your parents if your marriage is important to you because you're married now and it is about making your spouse's love tank full and not about what your father did not do or what your mother did. If you realise how important something is to your spouse, you will be willing to break stereotypes if that's what it takes to show him/her love. "There are no rewards for maintaining stereotypes but there are numerous and tremendous benefits for meeting the emotional needs of your spouse". 

It is highly important to note that this is one love language where the pictures of parents come alive. However, these pictures in some way have to be dropped if progress is to be made in each (unique) family. 

If your spouse's primary love language is acts of service, here are some suggestions:

1. Make a list of the requests your spouse has made and try to do 1 every week.

2. Tell your spouse to make a list of the things s/he would love you to do. 

3. Try to remember an act that your spouse has nagged about consistently and try to do it because this in itself is worth more than a thousand roses.

4. If you have more money than time, you can hire someone to carry out the chores which will definitely relieve your spouse of stress. 

5. Ask your spouse to tell you the daily acts of service you could do which would speak love to him or her. 

Thank you so much for stopping by and we look forward to seeing you next week. Have a blessed and fruitful week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown