The Simple Act That Makes a Big Difference

Someone I call my big brother directed a movie, in fact owns the movie “COUPLE OF DAYS”. I finally got to watch it a few months ago and there is so much to learn from it. He is not paying me to do this, in fact he does not know that I am doing this but if you have not seen that movie, I will strongly advice that you do. I would share some of the things I learnt here but please try to watch this movie whenever you can.

Marriages and relationships will have a lot of issues and challenges. In fact, ‘impossible’ is the word for trying or attempting to take them away. However the way such issues are handled is what really matters. Some people are really childish in the way they handle issues but this is not a wise thing to do. The fact that a person or your partner does something very disgusting does not imply that you should never talk to him or her again. Things get worse when you act in this manner and if your intention is not to talk to him/ her for two (2) days, it could increase if your partner is also like you.

If a relationship or marriage means a lot to you as an individual, you will handle it with care and not just allow anything take it away from you. People give many reasons to prove that their partner deserves no form of forgiveness but really is there anyone that does not deserve forgiveness? God always forgives us when we fall and He expects us to do the same thing. He expects us to forgive our partners when they do a wrong act or behave in an unexpected manner.

Forgiving your partner does not imply you being in support of what he or she said, did or engaged in. It means deciding to understand that he or she has made a mistake and moving on from that mistake or error committed by your partner. In order for forgiveness to be effective, both parties have to be willing to let go of a lot things. Forgiveness is a conscious effort, it will not just jump at you - it is also a gradual process, if you begin by forgiving your spouse when she commits a 'small' wrong, when there is a seemingly 'big' wrong, you will be able to forgive.

How much can you overlook? The problem many of us have is that we cannot tolerate anything. When she makes the slightest mistake, you scream at her; when he fails to do something, you decide to keep malice. I am a strong believer in speaking out your mind whenever you are offended but sometimes you just need to chill. You need to analyse things and sometimes you just need to overlook that mistake.

Practice makes perfect and so you need to practice forgiveness. Although this is in relation to relationship and marriages, it is applicable to everyone (whether you’re in a relationship with them or not). Forgiveness is deserved by everyone around you and everyone in the world so start practicing this with those that offend you at work, at the market place, on the road etc.

When you fail to forgive, you build up strife and strife is not good for anyone.

The people who appear to be having a lovely relationship or marriage are not people with little or no issues, rather they are people who have decided to forgive each other (regardless of how great or small the offence is) and have decided to move on.

You have to be ready and willing to forgive and let go of whatever wrong that your spouse does to you. Would it be painful? Yes of course. Him cheating on you; she failing to tell you about her past; you bearing a lot... yes you might have done so much but forgiveness is a big sacrifice that you have to make in a marriage or relationship. It is a continous task. I remember a Pastor once saying that "the moment he got into his marriage with his wife, they made a decision to never go to bed without settling any disagreement or issue that they have".

This might be harsh but it is the truth - if you have not learnt how to or worked on the act of forgiving, you are not ready for relationship/marriage. In this season of love, let us remember this "you have not succeeded at loving if you do not know how to forgive". Quote by me.

Thanks for stopping by.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown 

IT DOES NOT COST MUCH TO BE FAITHFUL!

When people go into relationships, some already have the mentality that they cannot be in a relationship with just one person and as a result of this, they begin to look outside even before the relationship is 1 month old. By 'outside',  I mean that they begin to try to see if they can find a new girlfriend or boyfriend because they already feel that they cannot cope or for other reasons best known to them. While some may break the heart of their partner by breaking up, others may decide to double or triple date which is equally not right.

The truth is that everyone has the tendency to want something better or to try something new but not everyone will carry this out. It is a decision on your part to be satisfied and content with who you are in a relationship with or to look outside for someone better. Although it is adviceable to remain faithful in your relationship and with your partner, the choice is for you to make. Double or triple dating is not good for anyone and so we all need to learn to discipline ourselves; to exercise self control and to be content.

You asked that lady out for a reason and you said yes to him for a reason. As a lady, if you knew you did not want to be with him, you could just have told him that you were not interested. You really did not have to say yes! As a man, if you knew that you really did not want to be in a relationship with her, why did you bother speaking to her about it? If you have asked her out and if you have said yes, you owe your partner every level of faithfulness.

The decision to be faithful in your relationship begins with you. You need to make up your mind not to allow ‘unfaithfulness’ be an option for you. Your relationship is not like a football field where players are changed based on a slight mistake or weakness. Relationship is some hardwork and you need to be ready to work hard at it. There will be issues (no doubt) but the willingness to settle such issues should not be lacking. If two people go into a relationship with the mind set that they would be faithful to each other, they would work at it no matter what comes their way.

Relationship is a sacrifice and even though some people do not take it serious, it is a highly serious matter. The person you are in a relationship with, will have some flaws and you also have some flaws as no one is perfect. You need to make the decision to either help work on these flaws with your partner because you are in it together or you give him/her time to get better at such. 

If you cannot be faithful in a relationship, would this attitude jump at you in marriage? If you cannot exercise self control and be content with one man or one woman now, how will this be a possibility when you are married? Some people say "It will be different when I am married. I can play around now but I will be faithful when I am married" how can this be? Practice they say, makes perfect. What this means is that whatever you practise now will be perfected in marriage except you change. Remember change is gradual, it would not just jump at you.

The fact that a person has flaws is not  enough reason to make you leave that person. I am not and no one will ask you to remain in a relationship with someone that molests you or someone that is violent and so where this is the case, I will not advice you to continue with the relationship in the name of being faithful. 

Everyone can be faithful if we all make the decision to be. Let us work on ourselves and make the decision to be faithful in our relationships and I pray that God will give us this grace in Jesus name.

Thank you so much for stopping by, we hope to see you next week.

OneLove,

Somzybrown

DISCLOSURE - FULL OR PARTIAL??

 

 

So I have been thinking about this for a while and I thought I throw it open to you all. How much of your life and the events that have occurred, should you disclose to your spouse or partner? Should you disclose everything? Or should you rather keep somethings to yourself and disclose others? How careful should you be about the things that you disclose to your spouse?

 

Full disclosure is the willingness not to hide anything from your partner while partial disclosure is deciding to say somethings but hide somethings. Full disclosure could be in relation to events that have occurred in the past but it also has to do with the decision to be open to your spouse in the future.

 

While it is the argument of some people that there should be full disclosure in marriage, others are of the opinion that even in marriage, full disclosure is not necessary. Some others opine that there should be full disclosure in marriages as well as relationships. These views are as a result of the different experiences that such people have had personally or from other people's experiences.

 

Full disclosure is highly advisable but the following must be noted:

 

1. For every action, there is always a reaction and consequence. Are you ready to handle the consequences of your actions? Are you ready to handle the reaction of your partner?

 

2. Trust - How well do you trust your partner to disclose the information to him/her? How well do you trust him/her to manage and handle the information?If you trust your partner to deal with and handle the disclosure well, then go ahead but if not, be wise as to how you go about it.

 

3. How matured is your partner to handle the depth and weight of the information involved? How does he/she  react to regular activities or information?

 

4. How understanding is your partner when it comes to issues and your views?

 

5. What is the spiritual belief of your partner? If the relationship is from God and he/she understands the spiritual protocols, this will go a long way in determining the level of disclosure and how he/she will handle it.

 

Half disclosure is not exactly adviceable for the following reasons:

 

1. Distrust - your partner finding out something that he/she ought to have known or something that you should not have hesitated to tell him/her, could lead to distrust. He/she may not be able to trust you again and this is due to the fact that you hid an information that he/she ought to have known. Some people when  they make the decision to hide somethings say that they are doing it for their partners - they want to save him or her from any emotional stress that the disclosure might cause. This reason is however not sufficient enough.

 

2. Creates insecurity - the fear of what your partner will do if he finds out from another person or even from you could make you really insecure. You do not need such insecurity as you both are supposed to work and walk together in love and not in fear. Also your partner could feel insecure as he or she will be unsure as to the other things that might be revealed in the course of the relationship or marriage.

 

3. Leads to breakdown of communication - failing to disclose facts to your partner could lead to loss of communication. It may not happen immediately but as time goes on, there is a tendency that the communication which exists will break down. You really do not want to lose communication with your partner because communication is one of the major rocks of a relationship and marriage.

 

4. More non-disclosure: when you fail to disclose one thing and you do not feel bad about it, you get tempted to keep doing it and as such there will be more non-disclosure which will gradually and might likely break down the marriage or relationship.

 

So the Question now is: full disclosure or partial disclosure? Are the consequences for this too high to pay or otherwise??

 

Please kindly drop your comments and let us know what you think. Thank you so much and have a blessed week.

 

OneLove,

 

Somzybrown

DO NOT ALLOW INSANITY CREEP IN...3

When you are hurting, there is a tendency to want to do something stupid or crazy due to the fact that there is so much pain within. The truth however is that you are the one who knows the values that you have and you know when you are beginning to gradually walk away from them. The fact that you experienced a terrible break up or heart break is not sufficient enough reason to make you change your values or principles. You might feel really hurt and low but you are who you think you are and not what others think you are. I will always say that if those ‘principles’ are too rigid or are not good – you can change them but if they are good, you need not allow anyone or any circumstance make you change them. Do not compromise your great and admirable standards because you feel it affected your previous relationship. If they are good/great, keep them! Someone who will value those standards will definitely come your way.

For those who give up on love, I would advice you not to. True love really does  exist and I pray you find one. Do not let the different situations that have occurred or your break-up story stop you from ever getting into a relationship again. The fact that she cheated on you does not mean that every other woman out there will cheat on you. That he physically abused you does not also mean that every man out there will physically or emotionally abuse you. No matter what he or she did to you, there is someone out there who will treat you better. Although all of these are true, you also need to be prayerful and very careful. Do not just be moved by his or her outward appearance or outward character, the inner part of a human being is more important, so be wise!

Last but not the least – Prayer is key. The best way to release and forgive and move on in life, is to pray for that person that jilted you or that hurt you. Pray the same prayer that you desire for yourself for that person and trust me, you will be surprised at how quickly, you will heal. This works like magic, it has worked for many people including myself so please give it a trial. It might be very difficult to do this at first but with time it will become easier and seamless.

Conclusively – RE- EVALUATE – think of the things that you might have done wrong, the bad behavior or character that you need to change (i.e. how do you want your spouse and children to meet you?). Develop yourself – work on those things and get better at what you thought was good; read books; attend seminars; learn from people’s mistakes, make the decision to move on. Do not allow a breakup or heart break make you do crazy things or get you insane, no person is worth you killing yourself over. Please do not allow vulnerability lead you to making a mistake, do not get too attached to someone especially when you are still hurting because for all you care, at that point all you will see is love and care and you might not take note of more important things. Do not be blind! Do not make a decision in a rush! 

It is my sincere prayer that you will overcome this hurtful feeling as soon as possible in Jesus name.

Thank you so much for staying with us all through this series, we appreciate you.

OneLove,

Somzybrown

DO NOT ALLOW INSANITY CREEP IN... 2

In order to heal quickly, I would recommend that you get occupied with something you really love to do. This is not to say that this will work like magic but the truth is that if you give something your attention, you get a result from it. If you give more attention to your work, you get good results from it. If you give your break-up situation all your attention, then you get a result from it. However this result will most likely not be a good one. The result will be more hurt that might even lead to hatred. You really do not want to get to that point because it is not good to ‘hate’ anyone. So why don’t you get busy? If your mind is on other things, the easier it becomes for you to easily let go. It is a gradual process but you will surely get there.

When you break up or go through a heart break you become really vulnerable and as a result you might just run into the arms of anyone that stretches such arm to you. I understand that you might need someone to talk to but please be careful. Not everyone that stretches a hand of help while you are going through this phase is meant to be a part of your life. There is a tendency to go with someone who stays with you while you are hurting but does this make you compatible or does it make it right? Not necessarily. You need time to think properly and a few days after a breakup or heartbreak is not sufficient time to think. You cannot afford to rush into making a decision at this stage because it might not be right.

I know of someone who after she broke up with her boyfriend, immediately got close to someone and in less than a month or so she got into a relationship with that person. They broke up and then a close friend was really there and so she got into a relationship with him as well. This is not a joke, it really did happen.  If one is not careful, it will keep going round like that.  I do not blame this lady or anyone that might find his/herself in such a situation. However, I will advice against it. The fact that you are vulnerable should make you extremely careful. People might be there to help you go through that phase but you do not need to be in a relationship with them. You need to take your time to think because you do not want to make a mistake again.

There is a need for reevaluation and this is not something that is popular especially in our generation. We live in a ‘blame-society’ and this does not help matters sometimes. People try to point fingers at who committed a wrong instead of thinking about what can be done better by them  subsequently. When a break-up happens, regardless of who broke up, it is important to analyse the situation. What did you do wrong or what are those things that you could have done better? If you are able to do this as against wallowing in self-pity or blaming someone else, you will certainly be a better person.

It is also a time to develop yourself. No one is perfect and so there is always some work to be done. There are some bad characters that need to be changed and there are some good characters that need to be developed. You should not only recognize the wrong or bad characters but make haste to work on them and change for the better.  Read books, speak to people, learn from people’s mistakes. Experience is the best teacher but it does not have to be your personal experience. You can learn from those around you. I always tell God to please take away anything in me that my husband and children should not meet in my life and to also take anything in him (my husband) that my children and I should not meet in his life. This is because I desire to be the best to my husband and children. However, I am not praying alone, I am certainly developing myself and learning how to be the best. Prayers get answered but there is also some personal work and development to be done. Self-development can never be too much.

We hope to see you next week as we continue with this.

OneLove,
SomzyBrown.

DO NOT ALLOW INSANITY CREEP IN...

Hi guys,

Welcome to this new week. How is the new year coming up for us? I trust God to make it the greatest year that we have ever experienced. 

Two weeks ago, I promised to write about an interesting topic but I could not do that due to the fact that last week was the first week of the year and there was a need for encouragement.

I am sure you are wondering what this topic is about. From the story of Folarin and his babe, it could be seen that a lot of people go through heart breaks. Now you know what this is about (smiles).

**************************************

When people break up, does it mean that both parties are guilty? Not necessarily, I will say. The truth is that sometimes both parties are guilty but at other times, it could be that one party has done something extremely wrong and terrible that the other party cannot deal with hence the need to go out of the relationship. Sometimes, it is a mutual understanding between the two parties – maybe they discover that they are both not compatible and so they mutually decide that it is best to go their separate ways.

Our main focus is not really on what leads to people breaking up because for all we know, there are a thousand and one reasons why this happens. The focus therefore is on: how to deal with breakup.

While some people do not really get affected by a break up or heart break, many others get really heartbroken after a break-up and as a result they say all sort of things. Some will say “I don’t think I can ever love again because I gave my all to this relationship”; others may say “what is the essence of being faithful in a relationship”. Some people make up their minds not to trust again but are all these decisions good?

The first thing I would like to say is this: regardless of whether you did the breaking up or the other party did, you need to release the person from your heart. He might and in fact, he wronged you? She cheated on you… but for your own sake, you need to release them. You do not want to keep being bitter about such person because it will in some way affect you.

I agree that this could be difficult, especially if you have spent so much time with this person and gotten used to being with him or her. However, there is a reason that the break-up happened and as such you cannot keep hating yourself or being down about it. Please do not get me wrong, you might have your down moments where you analyse and reanalyze what went wrong or maybe you even cry and weep over it but the point I am trying to make is that you cannot afford and you should not put yourself in that position for too long. You need to move on with your life. There is a lot more to be done and so dwelling in that place for too long is not good for you.

Moving on might be hard but you have to do this because nobody (no matter how nice) can move on on your behalf. It is a personal decision that can be taken by you alone. This does not necessarily mean that you will totally forget about the person but you need to be 'sane'. I know that people do crazy things when their heart gets broken but this happens because they dwell on the issue for too long. No heart break should get you to the point of insanity! It is not worth it. Not at all!

Moving on means not allowing the mishap affect your life. You have work to attend to and yes you have to attend to it. You have books to read, and you have to read them. You have projects to work on and truly you need to get busy with those projects. There a lot of things to achieve so yes you have to achieve them.

I am sure you are saying that this is not easy and I agree with you. I also agree with the fact that people heal differently. For some people it could take a week, for some others months and some others a year or more. Regardless of how long it takes you to heal when something hurts, my advice is to try your best to heal quickly. When you heal quickly, you are able to do so much more with your life than wallow in self pity.

In order to heal quickly, I will recommend somethings that I have learnt not just from personal experience but from other people's  experiences. 

Please stay with us and we will be back next week.

OneLove,
SomzyBrown

SOMETHING GREAT IS HAPPENING...

So it is a new year and I am very excited to welcome you to this beautiful and glorious year. Great things are set to happen in your life, in fact they are already happening and I rejoice with you all.

        HAPPY NEW YEAR AND WELCOME TO 2018.

I know that I promised to write about a particular topic this week but then it is a new year and I just thought I encourage us. Please bear with me and we will definitely talk about the ‘promised’ topic from next week by God’s grace.

This new year brings about a new phase of your life and it is my prayer that GOD WILL BRING TO PASS all that He desires for you. Nothing and I mean nothing will steal your joy this year in the name of Jesus.  I pray that it will be the best year that you have ever witnessed or experienced in Jesus name. You will have every reason to rejoice in the mighty name of Jesus. (AMEN!)

Many people come into the New Year with what we call “new year resolutions” some others come into the new year with a “list of things” that they want God to do for them. This is not a bad idea at all but I will like to say or make a prayer that “Only that which God desires for you; Only that which is God’s Will shall come to pass in your life”. It is a hard prayer but it is important. Many times the things we think we desperately need might not be the things that God thinks that we need and other times the things we think we need might also be the same things that God thinks we need. This goes to show that the most important prayer is to ask that God's Will and not your will be done in all areas of your life. In order to be in line with God’s Will, it is my prayer that He does that which is right in His sight and not in your sight.

It is a new year and it is time to put into practice all the things that we have learnt so far. In this regard, I am referring to ‘things’ generally but also specifically – relationships. We have read books, listened to very deep messages on relationships and marriages; read blogs etc. It is time to practicalise all that we have learnt. This is not to say that we should stop reading books or listening to messages or reading blogs (don’t stop reading my blog o!). However my point is that we should not be ‘readers’ or ‘listeners’ only but doers of what we have learnt so far.

I am really looking forward to great testimonies from you all.

*God is blessing marriages and causing people who are married to bring forth their own children.  *God is bringing forth the right men and women as husbands and wives for those that have been seeking God either for a husband or for a wife.  *God is making great provisions for those who have been trusting Him for such. *Business ideas are coming the way of those who are believing God for it.  *We shall celebrate marriages and not just weddings.  *God is restoring broken homes and causing His perfect peace to reign in every home.  *We have the right connections and relationships in Jesus name.  *God is providing jobs and new jobs for those who need them. *God heals the brokenhearted and replaces ashes with beauty.  *You reap the fruits of your labour in Jesus name. (AMEN!!!!)

Have a fulfilled year guys, plenty love from us at SomzyBrown.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown