I WILL NEVER DOUBT 'ME' AGAIN!

 I was beginning to lose myself because I felt unworthy. Every where I turned, every thing I did, every word I said - none seemed to make sense or be appreciated. Each time I tried my best, I heard echoes of whispers telling me how bad and terrible I was. This made me doubt myself. 

 This made me question the little good I thought existed in me. I questioned the compliments i had ever received because I got contradicting words from the ones I really thought or expected to be on my side. All of these almost led to depression. I began to lose myself and lose my confidence. I began to see myself as less than i really am. I allowed discouraging words from people (who were probably envious of me) defeat me. I stayed in this down position for a while.

Until one day, I heard a voice that spoke words to me - these words countered all the negative words I had heard or accepted. I suddenly realised what I had done to myself - I could have countered these words with the right words. I knew I wasn't all that people had made me feel I was but I lacked the courage to counter these words. 

After hearing this voice, I Began to say nice and wonderful things to myself. I soon realised that it wasn't all about what people had said or not said about me but what I knew about myself. There's room for improvement. Oh, yes there is! and this applies to everyone because no one is perfect. But while I'm working on and improving myself, I am also going to love myself and be comfortable not just in my skin and personality but in who I am. 

I will love me because only when I have succeeded at this will I be able to love someone else. I'm not going to lose myself because of the words I have heard, especially terrible ones that put me in a place of doubt about myself and who I am in the real sense of it. 

People will always have opinions but I need to be careful not to allow these things affect me or make me change or even get me depressed. Enough is enough! I will take note of the areas that need improvement in my life and work on them but never again will I put myself in a position of depression. Never again will I allow people's words weigh me down! Never again will I feel like I am not enough!

I know who I am and I won't doubt it anymore.

Anonymous  

I hope you were encouraged! Life throws a lot at us but we have to stand strong cos if we don't, we lose ourselves. Loving you is important so please work on it! Never doubt yourself!

Thanks for stopping by.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown 

HOW CAN WE MAKE IT WORK??

Last week, we began an interesting topic on long distance relationships and we shall dive right into it today. Although I have been in a long distance relationship before, I wouldn't say that I am an expert at this. I have worked on a few tips that I believe might help people in long distance relationships but I am pretty sure there are more. Please note that this is something I have written on before but based on popular demand,  I had to bring it up again. 

1. Organize dates - This could be movie dates or any kind of date. Decide to see a movie together or the same movie at different times and then talk about how you felt while watching it or discuss your learning points. You can also send clips of the parts you enjoyed the most as this would give you both something interesting to talk about.

2. Hobbies: Discover each other's hobbies and encourage yourselves to do something about it. For example, if you partner loves to shop, you can encourage him/her to go shopping and talk to you about it. If you have the means, you can send some money or deliver a gift to him/her, encouraging them to carry out this hobby of theirs. You can also ask questions surrounding your partner's hobby. "How did basketball go today? Who won? How do you feel about the game" When is the next game" etc.

3. Communication: This is key in every relationship and the importance cannot be over emphasised. Please talk about anything and everything, from the beginning of your day to the end. Many times, ladies talk more than the guys but guys please you also need to share your experiences. Apart from talking, also learn to listen to your partner (don't always provide a solution just let him/her know that you are there and that you care). 

Also please engage in a lot of video calls so you can see each other, notice your reactions etc.,  this is the closest to being physically together though it can not be the same. Chat on Whatsapp and different social media platforms but do more of calls and voice notes, it could make you feel closer to each other.

If its within your power, plan surprise visits. You'll be amazed at how this can change a lot about your relationship. 

4. Settle Differences: In any relationship, keeping malice affects the relationship negatively and so this is something that we must avoid at all costs even if you have to be the one to play the fool sometimes. This is more important in a long distance relationship especially if you can't see your partner or might not see him or her in a while. The moment you allow issues linger for too long, you build a gap that might be difficult to mend. So as quickly as possible, settle your differences and focus on being better people. 

5. Constantly Celebrate Each other: Whether or not you're a social media person, you will need to do this as often as possible. Put his/her picture on social media - WhatsApp status, Instagram etc. this would make them know and feel loved and appreciated. Everyone loves to be celebrated so let your partner know that you're rooting for them at all times and also do this publicly.

6. Stay Committed: You can have friends of the opposite sex but ensure that there are clear boundaries between you. Be open to your partner about these friends and leave no room for doubt or suspicion. Try as much as possible not to hide anything from your partner because some day and in a way that you wouldn't like it, he or she might find out. Honesty is key in making your relationship work so please be open and committed. 

We'll stop here for now. I know there are many experienced long distance relationship people here, so please if you have further tips to share with us, please do. After reviewing it, we will be glad to share it on the blog.

Thanks a lot for stopping by and we hope to see you soon. God bless you and have a blessed week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS CAN WORK!

If you put in the work, long distance relationships can work! 

I had a discussion with someone about this and she said "I don't care whether there are good stories about long distance relationships but in my opinion, they don't work". Wondering why she said this? She has tried being in long distance relationships that didn't work due to no fault of hers (well according to her). In fact, she said she gave her all to these relationships but her partners always had one story or the other to defend them breaking up. Based on her experience, long distance relationship does not work.

While many people have similar experiences, there are other successful stories of long distance relationships and I think people just need to figure out what works for them. A man once shared "I met my wife via a social media platform. We were in different countries when we met but somehow we made it work and we are married now." This is one of the successful stories when it comes to long distance relationships and there are many more.

The truth be told, long distance relationships or marriages require a lot more work than marriages/relationships where the partners are together requires. If you're currently in one  or considering getting into one, you must be willing to put in the work (extra work) that is required to make it work.

You may ask "Why does it require more work?" Well long distance relationship requires more work because:

1. Communication: You have to do a lot of explaining and talking when it comes to communication. There's a different level of communication when you're with someone physically compared to when you're away from them physically. Thank God for social media, things have been made easy but conversations still get misinterpreted when said over the phone, sent through a voice note or a chat etc. 

2. Time difference: There are some long distance relationships that are not affected by time difference and this is because they are either in the same country (country where the times are synchronized) or they are in different countries with similar time zones. Majority of the long distance relationships I know of involve being in different countries with different time zones and mehn this is a lot of work. While one is just going to sleep, one other person is about to go to work vice versa. 

There are other reasons why long distance relationships require a lot of work but we will stop here for now. Our intention is not to discourage you from long distance relationships but to give some tips that may help in your long distance relationship or marriage and we really hope that you find them useful in one way or the other. 

Stay tuned and we shall discuss these tips next week by God's grace. Thanks for stopping by, God bless you real good.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

I FEEL SO DOWN!

 

"I am tired of life! Nothing seems to be working and it's so sad. I have tried everything I know how to do but nothing is coming through.  I really don't know what to do anymore. "... said Bimpe.

Bimpe was about to give up but I had to encourage her not to because there is so much we can make out of life and if we give up, we might miss out on God's great plan for us. 

I don't know what you've been through or what you're currently going through. I don't know how life has treated or is treating you right now. You might have gone through some really challenging moments that has made you want to call it quit but I am glad that you're alive and you're still here. 

Of course I know it is not easy and that is why I I am writing this. You are the reason I am writing this today, yes you! Please no matter what it is, please do not give up. Something good  in fact many good things are still going to happen but you can only experience and enjoy them if you do not give up.

It's okay to feel down sometimes but please don't stay there. You need to get up and be that cheerful person that you are. You need to get up and do all those great things that you know how to do best! That handsome and great guy with an awesome personality would show up; that bright and beautiful lady would show up soonest; you will get that promotion; you will make so much progress in life; that child would come soon.

Go out, meet people (right influences), get involved in trainings, engage in self-development  etc.

There will always be challenges and issues but they will never last for long. So please I plead with you, don't lose hope, don't give up! No matter what it is, tough times would pass and you will be strong again.

Also whenever you are down, please look for someone you can trust to pour your heart out to, this therapy works but please I will place emphasis on  'someone you can trust'. 

It is well and you will surely smile again by God's grace. Thanks a lot for stopping by. 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown 

DISCLOSURE - HOW IMPORTANT AND AT WHAT STAGE?

Last week we began a discussion about Priye's boyfriend, David, who had disclosed certain areas of his past and on this basis, she broke up with him. It was a sad experience for David because he really hoped that he would get married to Priye and was disappointed that she broke up with him for confiding in her. The question is should we disclose our past to the person we are in a relationship with? If yes, how much of our past should we disclose?

Many of the relationships I know of are serious relationships. We have established on this platform what serious relationships are and so I will not over flog this issue. When you have decided to be in a relationship with someone, you have made the decision to deal with that person with trust. What this means is that you expect to be trusted by this person and you also expect that your partner would trust you. It is based on this fact that you have to reveal whatever may have happened in your past. Another reason to reveal this is because you love this person and you want him or her to know what you may have been through in the past. Your past does not define you so never judge yourself based on it! 

Please note that revealing your past does not mean that you should be judged based on this. You might have the ideal person you intend to get married to but it is safe to always remember that no one is perfect. However, like I always say in my conversations with people, if you are not comfortable with a person's past and you know it will affect the way you view this person even when you decide to get married - please move on! Its better not to be a hyprocrite than to stay in a relationship because you do not want to hurt the other person. The likelihood that this would affect your marriage is high.

Deciding to be with someone irrespective of their past is a decision that you and only you can make because you are the only one in that relationship with them and you are the only one that would get married to them (if you so decide to). If you decide to go ahead in a relationship with someone with a past, then you must be strict on viewing them as they are now and not using their past against them.

A third reason why disclosure is important is that we live in a world that is extremely small. It would surprise you how many people actually know you or the person you are in a relationship with - it would not be nice for your partner to hear about certain 'pasts' from someone else or based on a rumour. 

I know that the fear of losing out on a prospective wife or husband, deters or discourages people from disclosure but I do not believe it is worth it. I remember having a conversation with a friend about this and she said "anyone that breaks up with me because of...has lost a valuable person and I won't bother my head about that, neither will it stop me from disclosing this part of my past".  This got me excited, she went through some breakups but also got married to an amazing person in the end. 

Permit me to leave you with a comment from one of our faithful readers on this blog and truly, that summarizes my stand on this issue:

 I personally think that one of the tests of real love is when one's partner still CHOOSES to love and commit to one after hearing some 'not so pleasant things' about one's past life experiences directly from one. I believe that it takes a lot of courage and trust in the other party for someone to reveal such things to their beloved partner. The guy didn't make a mistake for disclosing his past. It shows that the lady just likes the appearance of what the guy looks like now and won't stop judging him in her mind if they were to get married. A true love will take the guy's past as his past and focus on how they can both grow together and get better. After all, God first loved and still loves us despite we having being sinners in the past. Real love sees partner for who God made them to be and not who they used to be.

Thank you so much for stopping by and we hope to see you next time.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

MAYBE I SHOULDN'T HAVE TOLD HER!

 I confided with Priye about my past - told her about who and what I used to do and she broke up with me. Although she argued that that was not the sole reason for the breakup but I am so sure it was. Or what else could it be? This happened less than a month after I told her everything about my past. I had told her some before we started the relationship and then I told her the remaining and she decided she no longer wanted to be with me.

Priye and I had been friends for a bit and we had become really comfortable with each other. I was ready to take the step that would lead to spending the rest of my life with someone I really loved. We told each other that we would be honest with each other about our past and our plans for the future and we did. She had a past but maybe not as terrible as mine but I overlooked that because what mattered to me was who is she is at the moment and not what she used to be. I'm not saying everyone should adopt that approach to life but when you see someone who has made significant progress in life despite their past, I think they should be cherished regardless.

I really loved Priye, I really did and I can't believe I'm describing how I felt (still feel) with past tense because I was sure that our relationship was going to work out. Maybe I made a mistake? Maybe I shouldn't have told her about my past? Or maybe I should have told her some and kept some others (the really terrible ones) to myself. Anyway, I think I've learnt my lesson now. Nothing of such would happen in the next relationship I get into and maybe that would even be the last. I really hope it will.

Guys what's our take or idea on disclosure? Are there somethings that should be disclosed while others are kept to ourselves? And if we are to give full disclosure, when should this occur? Just a few days to our wedding ? When we are neck deep in the relationship  or just at the beginning of rhe relationship? Or is there any need disclosing things about our past at all?

Please we'll appreciate your thoughts on this. Kindly drop your comments in the comment section. Thanks for stopping by and we appreciate you. God bless you. 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

THIRD PARTY - YAAY OR NAAY? 2

A call came in late last week and the first question I got asked was how I deal with conflicts in my marriage and whether I have Mentors that I can talk to when there are certain serious issues going on in my marriage. This call and conversation was funny because unknown to this person, I had begun this conversation on my blog last week. 

The way the Holy Spirit works is very funny and this was a confirmation to me that this topic is very essential, in fact highly essential. It is one that many people shy away from and some others do not see the need to even bring this up but guess what? A lot of people battle with this conversation in their inner minds so I guess it's good we are talking about it. 

I had a long conversation with this person and we both agreed that there are certain times that partners will need to involve a third party in their relationship or marriage and this is where the issue at hand is really serious and both parties have been unable to resolve it. However, we also agreed that it is better or more preferable for this conversation to be with a couple and one that both parties can connect with and freely have conversations with.

From the above, I am sure you already know where I stand on this. As much as I wouldn't recommend running to a mentor everytime there's an issue, I will highly suggest that you talk to a mentor or a couple that you and your spouse are comfortable with when there are serious issues. It's like going for counselling. Please do not speak to people that are likely to take sides with either you or your spouse. You need people that will be transparent and sincere with you both and tell you the areas you need to work on and practical steps to take without taking sides. 

No marriage is perfect but I strongly believe that the ills and hurts that exist in some marriages and which has even led to divorce in some cases could have been avoided if both parties had someone (or a couple) that they could talk to and listen to) and if they had sought their opinion or advice on that main issue that they were facing.

I will once again say that a third party in a marriage is adviceable but only when necessary and this should not be an everytime thing. You both know the issues that you are struggling with and have not been able to resolve, please prayerfully select who to talk to about it. 

Thank you so much for stopping by and to that person who called and made me realize this was a much needed topic even after I had posted it, thank you and God bless you. My beautiful readers, God bless you all. Have a blessed week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.