AN ADVICE TO HIM AND HER.

Dear Mr. & Mrs.:

1. Jealousy is illogical but your partner has rights of a basic sense of entitlement and protection over you.

2. Never hype any person of the opposite sex above your partner.

3. Your partner's emotion is your primary responsibility, handle with care.

4. Your partner's reaction should become the compass of your watchfulness. Don't dismiss it, think about it.

5. Make conscious effort of commending your partner easily.

6. Every other day, find one thing useful to do for your partner.

7. Make sure nobody anywhere is demonstrating more care for your partner than you do; it is you they got married to and that is your role.

8. Stop expecting more than you are giving; invoke their love by giving it.

9. Invest love in a way that harvesting it is easy.

10. Do not force your position on anything on your partner. Engage their mind so that they can understand your point. In essence, communicate, do not try to command and control.

11. Your partner will subconsciously compare how you treat them vs. outsiders, remember this.

12. Consciously treat your partner above your best treatment to everyone else.

13. Make a habit of hyping your partner to their hearing and especially when talking about them to everyone else.

14. Every partner struggles with the thought of 'How valuable' they are to you, don't worsen this by your words or conduct.

15. It is your responsibility to make sure your partner has no doubts about their place in your life.

16. Never respond to your partner's doubt with anger, listen carefully, get their point. You will either clarify or fix the issue.

17. Re-evaluate your relationships; are you fueling your partner's doubt or deepening their assurances?

18. If you stop being deliberate, marriage will not only become a bore, it will DIE.

19. Your partner is entitled to be jealous over you! You belong to them, period.

20. If you take their jealousy rights away, you have in effect ended the oath.

21. Overlook many things and don't confront unless it is absolutely necessary to address things that they have failed to address through your patience or body language.

22. Don't choke them because you 'own them',  be mature about your rights.

Your Bro,

Ocholi Okutepa

Thank you so much for stopping by,  we hope you've learnt a thing or two. Please feel free to drop your comments. God bless you. 

OneLove, 

SomzyBrown.

WHY ON EARTH DID HE LEAVE? 2

Meeting Prof. Jacob Omololu was the best thing that happened to me. He took me as his son and constantly pointed me in the right direction. He became the father figure that I had always looked forward to having. He taught me a lot of things and it felt really good to have a good man like  him in my life. As you will recall, there was no male figure in my life that I could look up to because my dad left when I was much younger and my uncles were corrupt and had really bad characters. So my relationship with Prof. Omololu changed my life and helped me make the right decisions. He made a lot of sacrifices and showed me love even when I disagreed with some of his advices. However, I would save the long story for another time. 

My relationship with Prof. Omololu changed my life and even till date I still call him to seek his advice or opinion on certain issues even though I am now married. Now that I am married and I have my own kids, I have made it a point of duty to have sincere conversations with not just my daughters but my sons as well. It is my duty to educate them and bring them up in the right way. I could have gone astray, I could have made costly mistakes but for my mum and the privilege of meeting Prof. Omololu and the positive impact he made in my life.

Not only have I decided to train my children properly, I have also decided to help other young boys around me. Some of them do not have fathers (due to death or abandonment). Some others have fathers but their fathers are not people that they can emulate. I have started with my son and his friends, I treat them like my sons and encourage them to be good boys. I also make sure I lead by good example. I have nothing to hide from them and with wisdom I ensure that I say the right things at the right time and in the right way. 

The truth is that boys need people to emulate and when I say people, I mean (fellow men). The ladies do a lot of this and it is rare to find a woman who would leave her children. However, many men leave their families, some cheat on them to be with other women, some just decide to be too busy to be involved in the lives of their kids, some are ignorant of the great role they can play in their children's lives etc.

Having a good male mentor is important for the male child. This is important where a boy does not have a father present in his live or where he has a father who is bad and toxic, or he has a father that he cannot be open/free with. See the picture below for clarity. Boys/Guys/Men need real mentors. There are real issues that are common with the male gender and it is helpful and useful to have someone point them in the right direction. 

If you have a father that you can't talk to, look for good and godly men in your church, office or around you that can mentor you. This is highly important! Also if you know you are capable and a real man, be open and willing to help the young men around you. With training and mentoring the boy child, guy, men, we can make the world a better place.

Every child is important! The male child is as important as the female child and if there is a need for the female child to be well trained, mentored and brought up, then there is a strong need for the male child to have a similar experience.

Thanks a lot for stopping by and we hope this helped in some way.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

WHY ON EARTH DID HE LEAVE?

"Dad, I am tired! I am frustrated! Somethings have been bothering me...and I just hope I don't get depressed". "God forbid, depression is not your portion", my dad quickly said in response to my statement. These were the last words he said to me before we parted ways. I had tried severally to have a conversation with him but he either did not have my time or over-spiritualised things and this made it difficult to talk to him. 

I grew up without my dad being there for the major and most important part of my life. I hated my dad because he left my mum and I especially when I needed him the most. I just could not imagine why a man in his right senses would do such a thing. My mum could have left out of frustration but I am glad she didn't. I wouldn't go into  details on what living with my dad was like. He claimed to be a Christian and could quote the bible from back to back but then did he live like one? That's a story for another day.

Back to my mum, I must give her the credit - she was exceptionally strong and she worked really hard at playing her role as a father and mother in my life. But was that enough? Surely it wasn't as you can imagine. As much as I loved my mum and I knew she was doing her best, there was still a vacuum that only a man could fill. 

Numerous times, I went to bed thinking deeply and wishing there was someone that I could emulate, ask questions about how I felt and why I felt my body move in certain ways. I also wished there was someone to talk to about my masculinity and how to handle certain issues. But there was none! There was no one to have manly conversations with. There was no one to talk to me and I had no one to talk to. My mum did a lot of readings and research on how and why men acted in certain ways but it was not sufficient. She was a disciplinarian and she was good at 'spearing the rod and spoiling the child' but there were so many things that she could not do or say because she had  ever experienced them as she is not a man.

I knew I did not want to end up like my dad leaving my wife and child or children but I was scared that history would repeat itself. I had uncles but their lifestyle scared me to death. My mum also put in strict measures to avoid any contact with them because she did not want her son to be corrupt. They exhibited certain characters that were obviously wrong and if they were told to guide/mentor me, my life would have been a serious mess. This is because I would have emulated their lifestyle whether I wanted to or not.

As I said earlier, my mum did all she could to ensure that I was well trained. I did all the house chores, I cooked, I worked even as a young boy etc. I spoke to her about somethings and she was able to help me but there were many other things I couldn't talk to her about. I got into the University at age seventeen (17) and discovered that there were a lot more that I was naive about. I knew I had to seek help before things went bad or I joined a cult. I noticed a lecturer of mine that I could talk to as He appeared to be a good and morally upright man but I was unsure as to how to approach him.

Surprisingly, he developed an interest in me and asked me to come to His office after one of his lectures. At first I was sceptical because no one had ever offered such relationship to me and I did not did want to get dissappointed. It felt strange but I made up my mind to give it a try. 

Thanks for stopping by. We shall continue next week and we hope to see you then.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

COMMITMENT - OUR CREED!

Take my hands as I take yours

On our knees, we forge this union

Before the Father of Light

Together, We will withstand storms

Life throws at us

We will conquer territories

With our Faith in Him

We will chase out darkness

In the heart of men 

With our mouth

We will speak forth light

Our home will be a safe Haven

For men destitute of God

Our model is Christ:

In Love and Forgiveness

In Conduct and Words

In Faith and Hope

In Life and Death.

Till we see the Father,

In Life or Death.

Dolapo Oyesiji 

Thank you so much for stopping by. Please keep staying safe. God bless you and see you next week by God's grace.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

WAYS TO KEEP YOUR RELATIONSHIP GOING.

There are many things that you can do to strengthen your relationships. Often the most effective thing you can do involves saying just certain words. When spoken sincerely, these statements often have the power to develop new friendships, deepen old ones and even bring healing to relationships that have soured.

The following three-word phrases can be tools to help develop every relationship.

~ "Let me help":

Good friends see a need and then try to fill it. When they see a hurt they do what they can to heal it. Without being asked, they jump in and help out.

~ "I understand you":

People become closer and enjoy each other more when the other person accepts and understands them. Letting your spouse know - in so many little ways - that you understand them, is one of the most powerful tools for healing your relationship. And this can apply to any relationship.

~ "I respect you":

Respect is another way of showing love. Respect demonstrates that another person is a true equal. If you talk to your children as if they were adults you will strengthen the bonds and become closer friends. This applies to all interpersonal relationships.

~ "I miss you":

Perhaps more marriages could be saved and strengthened if couples simply and sincerely said to each other “I miss you.” This powerful affirmation tells partners they are wanted, needed, desired and loved. Consider how important you would feel, if you received an unexpected phone call from your spouse in the middle of your workday, just to say “I miss you.”

~ "Maybe you’re right":

This phrase is very effective in diffusing an argument. The implication when you say “maybe you’re right” is the humility of admitting, “maybe I’m wrong”. Let’s face it. When you have an argument with someone, all you normally do is solidify the other person’s point of view. They, or you, will not likely change their position and you run the risk of seriously damaging the relationship between you. Saying “maybe you’re right” can open the door to explore the subject more. You may then have the opportunity to express your view in a way that is understandable to the other person.

~ "Please forgive me"

Many broken relationships could be restored and healed if people would admit their mistakes and ask for forgiveness. All of us are vulnerable to faults, foibles and failures. A man should never be ashamed to own up that he has been in the wrong, which is saying, in other words, that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.

~ "I thank you":

Gratitude is an exquisite form of courtesy. People who enjoy the companionship of good, close friends are those who don’t take daily courtesies for granted. They are quick to thank their friends for their many expressions of kindness. On the other hand, people whose circle of friends is severely constricted often do not have the attitude of gratitude.

~ "Count on me":

A friend is one who walks in when others walk out. Loyalty is an essential ingredient for true friendship. It is the emotional glue that bonds people. Those that are rich in their relationships tend to be steady and true friends. When troubles come, a good friend is there indicating “you can count on me.”

~ "I’ll be there":

If you have ever had to call a friend in the middle of the night, to take a sick child to hospital, or when your car has broken down some miles from home, you will know how good it feels to hear the phrase “I’ll be there.” Being there for another person is the greatest gift we can give. When we are truly present for other people, important things happen to them and us. We are renewed in love and friendship. We are restored emotionally and spiritually. Being there is at the very core of civility.

~ "Go for it":

We are all unique individuals. Don’t try to get your friends to conform to your ideals. Support them in pursuing their interests, no matter how far out they seem to you. God has given everyone dreams, dreams that are unique to that person only. Support and encourage your friends to follow their dreams. Tell them to “go for it.”

~ "I love you":

Perhaps the most important three words that you can say. Telling someone that you truly love them satisfies a person’s deepest emotional needs. The need to belong, to feel appreciated and to be wanted. Your spouse, your children, your friends and you, all need to hear those three little words: “I love you.” Love is a choice. You can love even when the feeling is gone..".

Anonymous

Thank you so much for stopping by,  we hope you have learnt a thing or two from this write-up. God bless you and have a blessed week. Keep staying safe please.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

That Gish Gish Feeling! 2

It was hard to stay away from Benjamin especially because he was a sweet person. Although I really liked him, I tried my best to hide my feelings. He knew the feeling was mutual but respected my decision not to get into a relationship yet. This even made me like him more. I mean instead of putting pressure on me to say yes, he just remained a good friend and rarely brought up the topic. 

He made it a point of duty to see me off to my hostel whenever we were together. On this particular day, I got to my room and I could not stop thinking about Benjamin. He was a good guy, a Jesus guy, a handsome guy, a sweet guy etc. The like was gradually growing into love so I decided I was going to say yes to him. "You've made my day! I am the happiest person right now. Thank you so much Cynyhia. I promise never to take you for granted. I promise to always treat you right..." These were his words when I said yes to getting into a relationship with him. 

 Benjamin had invited me to his house numerous times but I had made up my mind not to visit him until we were in a relationship. Now that I had said yes, I could go to his house right? I was eager to see what his house looked like so in no time, I visited him. Benjamin's house was so clean, tidy, organised and this made me love him  even more. He cooked for me and made me feel at home. What a nice guy right? We sat together and talked about different things. During this period, I noticed his hands coming close to mine so I quickly stood up to do the dishes. While I was doing this, I felt a hand on my shoulders. It could be no one else but Benjamin's. I shrugged and he stopped. 

I left his house that day with the decision never to go there again. I loved him but I had to be careful. I had barely made the decision not to go to his house when I found myself there again. This time around, I allowed Benjamin put his hand on my shoulders and I held his other hand. My body was doing gish gish (I felt some sensation) and I was enjoying it. We didn't go any further and I was happy. 

Getting to my room, I thought about all that happened. How did I go from avoiding men to feeling this way for one man? I knew that something had changed in me and my roommates also noticed. 

The visits continued and the events grew from holding hands to kissing and on some occasions, sex almost happened. It was the last incident that made me realise that we had come too far and if we were not careful, we would engage in the one thing we vowed never to do. Benjamin and I were both strong Christians and we had decided that we were going to keep the bed undefiled. The truth is that the fact that we were in very close contact in a house where he lived alone, was like a trap that we had set for ourselves. I thought I was strong and able to withstand such actions but the Scripture says "let him that thinks he stands, take heed lest he falls". I therefore decided to speak to my mentor about it and that was when she gave that advice as we read last week.

Benjamin and I heeded to the advice from my mentor and even though it was really hard, we scaled through. I reduced my visits to his house drastically and I ensured that I only went when I knew someone else was going to be around. We also tried as much as possible to reduce the number of times that we were alone. This really helped us and we were gradually able to control our feelings and sensation and today, we are happily married.

Many times its difficult to abstain from sex but it becomes more difficult when the two people involved regularly stay alone. My advice for Christians like me is to avoid being alone with your boyfriend or fiance as the case maybe because it is most times when you are alone that such temptations are on the increase and it is more difficult to say no because 'no one' is watching.

I pray that God will help those of us that have made the decision to abstain from pre-marital sex (whether a virgin or not). He will strengthen us. Amen

Thanks a lot for stopping by and we hope to see you next week by God's grace. 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

That Gish Gish Feeling!

"Gish Gish in this write-up means Sensation" 

"Open the doors and windows if no one is around you, that way you will be careful...although I would say that it is better to always have people around you..." These were some of the words from the advice given to me by my Mentor. "Thank you so much ma. Thank you for not judging me and thank you so much for listening to me. I will practice all you've said but I'ld appreciate you checking up on me." We had spent 2 hours discussing about an issue I had and I was grateful for her advice and hoped that it would be a lasting solution.

**********************************************

I grew up in Church and I had heard a thousand and one times that it was wrong and in fact a sin to have sex with the opposite sex until marriage. In fact, my Pastor always said these words over and over again "...keep the marriage bed undefiled..." These words soon became a worship song because of the consistency and passion with which he often said it. Trust youths to be very funny, whenever he came up to preach or give an exhortation, regardless of the topic for the day, we all shouted "keep the bed undefiled".

As much as I grew up knowing that pre-marital sex was wrong, nobody ever told me what to do to prevent it from happening. The secondary school warning from my mum that "if you go near a man, you will get pregnant" had proven to be false and I was now on my own. I had to figure this out somehow. I couldn't talk to any member of my fellowship about it because they all felt it wasn't a matter to be discussed.

Not sure of what to do and how to act when I was alone with a guy, I decided to avoid it by all means. I told myself that "it is better to stay away from men altogether than to get close and permit unexplainable acts". I stayed away from getting into a relationship and avoided talking to my male friends for too long. But for how long was I going to run away from men because of the fear of how to handle them? Was I not interested in getting married? And if I was, won't I need to get into a relationship first? Many people had shown interest in me but I ran with the speed of light as soon as they made their intentions known.

Continuing with this avoidance spirit was becoming annoying not just to my male friends but also to me. I felt a deep sensation when I was with a particular friend of mine but because of all that I had learnt both from Church and my fellowship, I began to bind and cast this feeling. "It must be the devil trying to make me feel this way." I thought to myself and the binding and casting increased as a result of this thought. Little did I know that it was okay to feel that way but not to awaken it until the time is ripe. I began to wonder why the devil was making me feel this way and so to avoid such feelings, I decided to stay away from this friend whom it appeared the devil was using.  

But was staying away the ideal thing and was it sustainable?

To be continued 

Thanks for stopping by. Please keep staying safe and may God keep us all in good and perfect health. Amen!

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.