"Dad, I am tired! I am frustrated! Somethings have been bothering me...and I just hope I don't get depressed". "God forbid, depression is not your portion", my dad quickly said in response to my statement. These were the last words he said to me before we parted ways. I had tried severally to have a conversation with him but he either did not have my time or over-spiritualised things and this made it difficult to talk to him.
I grew up without my dad being there for the major and most important part of my life. I hated my dad because he left my mum and I especially when I needed him the most. I just could not imagine why a man in his right senses would do such a thing. My mum could have left out of frustration but I am glad she didn't. I wouldn't go into details on what living with my dad was like. He claimed to be a Christian and could quote the bible from back to back but then did he live like one? That's a story for another day.
Back to my mum, I must give her the credit - she was exceptionally strong and she worked really hard at playing her role as a father and mother in my life. But was that enough? Surely it wasn't as you can imagine. As much as I loved my mum and I knew she was doing her best, there was still a vacuum that only a man could fill.
Numerous times, I went to bed thinking deeply and wishing there was someone that I could emulate, ask questions about how I felt and why I felt my body move in certain ways. I also wished there was someone to talk to about my masculinity and how to handle certain issues. But there was none! There was no one to have manly conversations with. There was no one to talk to me and I had no one to talk to. My mum did a lot of readings and research on how and why men acted in certain ways but it was not sufficient. She was a disciplinarian and she was good at 'spearing the rod and spoiling the child' but there were so many things that she could not do or say because she had ever experienced them as she is not a man.
I knew I did not want to end up like my dad leaving my wife and child or children but I was scared that history would repeat itself. I had uncles but their lifestyle scared me to death. My mum also put in strict measures to avoid any contact with them because she did not want her son to be corrupt. They exhibited certain characters that were obviously wrong and if they were told to guide/mentor me, my life would have been a serious mess. This is because I would have emulated their lifestyle whether I wanted to or not.
As I said earlier, my mum did all she could to ensure that I was well trained. I did all the house chores, I cooked, I worked even as a young boy etc. I spoke to her about somethings and she was able to help me but there were many other things I couldn't talk to her about. I got into the University at age seventeen (17) and discovered that there were a lot more that I was naive about. I knew I had to seek help before things went bad or I joined a cult. I noticed a lecturer of mine that I could talk to as He appeared to be a good and morally upright man but I was unsure as to how to approach him.
Surprisingly, he developed an interest in me and asked me to come to His office after one of his lectures. At first I was sceptical because no one had ever offered such relationship to me and I did not did want to get dissappointed. It felt strange but I made up my mind to give it a try.
Thanks for stopping by. We shall continue next week and we hope to see you then.
OneLove,
SomzyBrown.
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