WHY ON EARTH DID HE LEAVE?

"Dad, I am tired! I am frustrated! Somethings have been bothering me...and I just hope I don't get depressed". "God forbid, depression is not your portion", my dad quickly said in response to my statement. These were the last words he said to me before we parted ways. I had tried severally to have a conversation with him but he either did not have my time or over-spiritualised things and this made it difficult to talk to him. 

I grew up without my dad being there for the major and most important part of my life. I hated my dad because he left my mum and I especially when I needed him the most. I just could not imagine why a man in his right senses would do such a thing. My mum could have left out of frustration but I am glad she didn't. I wouldn't go into  details on what living with my dad was like. He claimed to be a Christian and could quote the bible from back to back but then did he live like one? That's a story for another day.

Back to my mum, I must give her the credit - she was exceptionally strong and she worked really hard at playing her role as a father and mother in my life. But was that enough? Surely it wasn't as you can imagine. As much as I loved my mum and I knew she was doing her best, there was still a vacuum that only a man could fill. 

Numerous times, I went to bed thinking deeply and wishing there was someone that I could emulate, ask questions about how I felt and why I felt my body move in certain ways. I also wished there was someone to talk to about my masculinity and how to handle certain issues. But there was none! There was no one to have manly conversations with. There was no one to talk to me and I had no one to talk to. My mum did a lot of readings and research on how and why men acted in certain ways but it was not sufficient. She was a disciplinarian and she was good at 'spearing the rod and spoiling the child' but there were so many things that she could not do or say because she had  ever experienced them as she is not a man.

I knew I did not want to end up like my dad leaving my wife and child or children but I was scared that history would repeat itself. I had uncles but their lifestyle scared me to death. My mum also put in strict measures to avoid any contact with them because she did not want her son to be corrupt. They exhibited certain characters that were obviously wrong and if they were told to guide/mentor me, my life would have been a serious mess. This is because I would have emulated their lifestyle whether I wanted to or not.

As I said earlier, my mum did all she could to ensure that I was well trained. I did all the house chores, I cooked, I worked even as a young boy etc. I spoke to her about somethings and she was able to help me but there were many other things I couldn't talk to her about. I got into the University at age seventeen (17) and discovered that there were a lot more that I was naive about. I knew I had to seek help before things went bad or I joined a cult. I noticed a lecturer of mine that I could talk to as He appeared to be a good and morally upright man but I was unsure as to how to approach him.

Surprisingly, he developed an interest in me and asked me to come to His office after one of his lectures. At first I was sceptical because no one had ever offered such relationship to me and I did not did want to get dissappointed. It felt strange but I made up my mind to give it a try. 

Thanks for stopping by. We shall continue next week and we hope to see you then.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

COMMITMENT - OUR CREED!

Take my hands as I take yours

On our knees, we forge this union

Before the Father of Light

Together, We will withstand storms

Life throws at us

We will conquer territories

With our Faith in Him

We will chase out darkness

In the heart of men 

With our mouth

We will speak forth light

Our home will be a safe Haven

For men destitute of God

Our model is Christ:

In Love and Forgiveness

In Conduct and Words

In Faith and Hope

In Life and Death.

Till we see the Father,

In Life or Death.

Dolapo Oyesiji 

Thank you so much for stopping by. Please keep staying safe. God bless you and see you next week by God's grace.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

WAYS TO KEEP YOUR RELATIONSHIP GOING.

There are many things that you can do to strengthen your relationships. Often the most effective thing you can do involves saying just certain words. When spoken sincerely, these statements often have the power to develop new friendships, deepen old ones and even bring healing to relationships that have soured.

The following three-word phrases can be tools to help develop every relationship.

~ "Let me help":

Good friends see a need and then try to fill it. When they see a hurt they do what they can to heal it. Without being asked, they jump in and help out.

~ "I understand you":

People become closer and enjoy each other more when the other person accepts and understands them. Letting your spouse know - in so many little ways - that you understand them, is one of the most powerful tools for healing your relationship. And this can apply to any relationship.

~ "I respect you":

Respect is another way of showing love. Respect demonstrates that another person is a true equal. If you talk to your children as if they were adults you will strengthen the bonds and become closer friends. This applies to all interpersonal relationships.

~ "I miss you":

Perhaps more marriages could be saved and strengthened if couples simply and sincerely said to each other “I miss you.” This powerful affirmation tells partners they are wanted, needed, desired and loved. Consider how important you would feel, if you received an unexpected phone call from your spouse in the middle of your workday, just to say “I miss you.”

~ "Maybe you’re right":

This phrase is very effective in diffusing an argument. The implication when you say “maybe you’re right” is the humility of admitting, “maybe I’m wrong”. Let’s face it. When you have an argument with someone, all you normally do is solidify the other person’s point of view. They, or you, will not likely change their position and you run the risk of seriously damaging the relationship between you. Saying “maybe you’re right” can open the door to explore the subject more. You may then have the opportunity to express your view in a way that is understandable to the other person.

~ "Please forgive me"

Many broken relationships could be restored and healed if people would admit their mistakes and ask for forgiveness. All of us are vulnerable to faults, foibles and failures. A man should never be ashamed to own up that he has been in the wrong, which is saying, in other words, that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.

~ "I thank you":

Gratitude is an exquisite form of courtesy. People who enjoy the companionship of good, close friends are those who don’t take daily courtesies for granted. They are quick to thank their friends for their many expressions of kindness. On the other hand, people whose circle of friends is severely constricted often do not have the attitude of gratitude.

~ "Count on me":

A friend is one who walks in when others walk out. Loyalty is an essential ingredient for true friendship. It is the emotional glue that bonds people. Those that are rich in their relationships tend to be steady and true friends. When troubles come, a good friend is there indicating “you can count on me.”

~ "I’ll be there":

If you have ever had to call a friend in the middle of the night, to take a sick child to hospital, or when your car has broken down some miles from home, you will know how good it feels to hear the phrase “I’ll be there.” Being there for another person is the greatest gift we can give. When we are truly present for other people, important things happen to them and us. We are renewed in love and friendship. We are restored emotionally and spiritually. Being there is at the very core of civility.

~ "Go for it":

We are all unique individuals. Don’t try to get your friends to conform to your ideals. Support them in pursuing their interests, no matter how far out they seem to you. God has given everyone dreams, dreams that are unique to that person only. Support and encourage your friends to follow their dreams. Tell them to “go for it.”

~ "I love you":

Perhaps the most important three words that you can say. Telling someone that you truly love them satisfies a person’s deepest emotional needs. The need to belong, to feel appreciated and to be wanted. Your spouse, your children, your friends and you, all need to hear those three little words: “I love you.” Love is a choice. You can love even when the feeling is gone..".

Anonymous

Thank you so much for stopping by,  we hope you have learnt a thing or two from this write-up. God bless you and have a blessed week. Keep staying safe please.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

That Gish Gish Feeling! 2

It was hard to stay away from Benjamin especially because he was a sweet person. Although I really liked him, I tried my best to hide my feelings. He knew the feeling was mutual but respected my decision not to get into a relationship yet. This even made me like him more. I mean instead of putting pressure on me to say yes, he just remained a good friend and rarely brought up the topic. 

He made it a point of duty to see me off to my hostel whenever we were together. On this particular day, I got to my room and I could not stop thinking about Benjamin. He was a good guy, a Jesus guy, a handsome guy, a sweet guy etc. The like was gradually growing into love so I decided I was going to say yes to him. "You've made my day! I am the happiest person right now. Thank you so much Cynyhia. I promise never to take you for granted. I promise to always treat you right..." These were his words when I said yes to getting into a relationship with him. 

 Benjamin had invited me to his house numerous times but I had made up my mind not to visit him until we were in a relationship. Now that I had said yes, I could go to his house right? I was eager to see what his house looked like so in no time, I visited him. Benjamin's house was so clean, tidy, organised and this made me love him  even more. He cooked for me and made me feel at home. What a nice guy right? We sat together and talked about different things. During this period, I noticed his hands coming close to mine so I quickly stood up to do the dishes. While I was doing this, I felt a hand on my shoulders. It could be no one else but Benjamin's. I shrugged and he stopped. 

I left his house that day with the decision never to go there again. I loved him but I had to be careful. I had barely made the decision not to go to his house when I found myself there again. This time around, I allowed Benjamin put his hand on my shoulders and I held his other hand. My body was doing gish gish (I felt some sensation) and I was enjoying it. We didn't go any further and I was happy. 

Getting to my room, I thought about all that happened. How did I go from avoiding men to feeling this way for one man? I knew that something had changed in me and my roommates also noticed. 

The visits continued and the events grew from holding hands to kissing and on some occasions, sex almost happened. It was the last incident that made me realise that we had come too far and if we were not careful, we would engage in the one thing we vowed never to do. Benjamin and I were both strong Christians and we had decided that we were going to keep the bed undefiled. The truth is that the fact that we were in very close contact in a house where he lived alone, was like a trap that we had set for ourselves. I thought I was strong and able to withstand such actions but the Scripture says "let him that thinks he stands, take heed lest he falls". I therefore decided to speak to my mentor about it and that was when she gave that advice as we read last week.

Benjamin and I heeded to the advice from my mentor and even though it was really hard, we scaled through. I reduced my visits to his house drastically and I ensured that I only went when I knew someone else was going to be around. We also tried as much as possible to reduce the number of times that we were alone. This really helped us and we were gradually able to control our feelings and sensation and today, we are happily married.

Many times its difficult to abstain from sex but it becomes more difficult when the two people involved regularly stay alone. My advice for Christians like me is to avoid being alone with your boyfriend or fiance as the case maybe because it is most times when you are alone that such temptations are on the increase and it is more difficult to say no because 'no one' is watching.

I pray that God will help those of us that have made the decision to abstain from pre-marital sex (whether a virgin or not). He will strengthen us. Amen

Thanks a lot for stopping by and we hope to see you next week by God's grace. 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

That Gish Gish Feeling!

"Gish Gish in this write-up means Sensation" 

"Open the doors and windows if no one is around you, that way you will be careful...although I would say that it is better to always have people around you..." These were some of the words from the advice given to me by my Mentor. "Thank you so much ma. Thank you for not judging me and thank you so much for listening to me. I will practice all you've said but I'ld appreciate you checking up on me." We had spent 2 hours discussing about an issue I had and I was grateful for her advice and hoped that it would be a lasting solution.

**********************************************

I grew up in Church and I had heard a thousand and one times that it was wrong and in fact a sin to have sex with the opposite sex until marriage. In fact, my Pastor always said these words over and over again "...keep the marriage bed undefiled..." These words soon became a worship song because of the consistency and passion with which he often said it. Trust youths to be very funny, whenever he came up to preach or give an exhortation, regardless of the topic for the day, we all shouted "keep the bed undefiled".

As much as I grew up knowing that pre-marital sex was wrong, nobody ever told me what to do to prevent it from happening. The secondary school warning from my mum that "if you go near a man, you will get pregnant" had proven to be false and I was now on my own. I had to figure this out somehow. I couldn't talk to any member of my fellowship about it because they all felt it wasn't a matter to be discussed.

Not sure of what to do and how to act when I was alone with a guy, I decided to avoid it by all means. I told myself that "it is better to stay away from men altogether than to get close and permit unexplainable acts". I stayed away from getting into a relationship and avoided talking to my male friends for too long. But for how long was I going to run away from men because of the fear of how to handle them? Was I not interested in getting married? And if I was, won't I need to get into a relationship first? Many people had shown interest in me but I ran with the speed of light as soon as they made their intentions known.

Continuing with this avoidance spirit was becoming annoying not just to my male friends but also to me. I felt a deep sensation when I was with a particular friend of mine but because of all that I had learnt both from Church and my fellowship, I began to bind and cast this feeling. "It must be the devil trying to make me feel this way." I thought to myself and the binding and casting increased as a result of this thought. Little did I know that it was okay to feel that way but not to awaken it until the time is ripe. I began to wonder why the devil was making me feel this way and so to avoid such feelings, I decided to stay away from this friend whom it appeared the devil was using.  

But was staying away the ideal thing and was it sustainable?

To be continued 

Thanks for stopping by. Please keep staying safe and may God keep us all in good and perfect health. Amen!

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

THIS THING CALLED LOVE. 2

After Collins got married, I decided that I would not get into any relationship because I wasn’t ready for sex yet and I also wasn't ready for further heartbreaks. I decided to patiently wait for a good guy because I felt it was worth it. During the waiting period, I met a lot of guys - the rich, the good, the fine, the tall, the romantic, the caring, and my response to their request was always a capital NO. The story however changed when I met Raymond (too soon right?). 

Raymond was extremely romantic and he pampered and spoilt me a lot. The love he showered on me was close to the love my father showed me when he was alive. Ray, as I fondly called him, was a combination of all the good qualities one could imagine. He was tall, handsome, funny, lively, romantic and intelligent. We argued on law related issues sometimes and on other days we discussed political issues. He was aware of my desire to get married as a virgin and tried his best to help me achieve it.

Our relationship seemed perfect and I was glad I had finally found the man of  my dreams. What I didn’t know however was that whenever I was away on holidays, Ray brought in ladies and had sex with them. I never got wind of this until my final year when I suddenly came back to school for something important. I had to stop by his apartment to say hello and caught him red-handed with his ex-girlfriend. That was the end of the relationship.

After graduating from the University, I was lucky to get a very good job. I moved into a new apartment and I was ready to settle down with the next guy I fell in love with. By this time, all my close female friends had gotten married and some already had children. On the other hand, a lot of my male friends were also getting ready to get married but I was still single and it didn't look like I was going to get into any relationship anytime soon. Chuks however came into my life in no time and we fell in love.

This time around, I wasn't interested in sticking to the no-sex rule. Chuks was ready and willing to get married to me so I had no fear about any unwanted pregnancy. Besides, I was 28 and still a virgin, and in all my 28 years of life, being a virgin had never kept any of the previous men I fell in love with. Instead, they cheated on me as they liked and left me in the end. I was determined to keep Chuks. He was very tall, fair and handsome and I was deeply in love with him.

Everything looked perfect until the night I came back from work late. I stopped by his apartment on my way back from work to get something before going to my flat and met him and my best friend in a very compromising position. A month later, I was invited to their wedding. I would never have imagined that they were meeting secretly and had even gotten to the point of getting married. I knew they talked a lot but I assumed that their friendship was nothing but a professional one.

As I stared at their wedding invitation, I concluded that I was a failure. I had failed to find true love and no matter what I did, good or bad, I would never be good enough for any man. So I decided to end it all. The world would be a better place without me in it and everybody will be happy. All my friends were married and I was still single. "What is the use of this life anyway?" I wondered. I walked down the street and bought some very poisonous substance. I got home and after making sure that my flatmate was not in her room, proceeded to take the harmful substance, hoping to end it all. I passed out afterwards and was found by my flatmate when she came back the next morning to rest from the night duty. That was how I ended up in the hospital.

As I recounted all the experiences, I concluded that I was indeed a failure. Not only have I failed to find love, I have also failed to kill myself in the process. Now my life was even going to be more miserable because everyone would know that I had suicidal tendencies, and maybe I would be taken to a psychiatric home. The whole world would blame me for failing, my colleagues at the office would avoid me like a plague. I would be  sad, depressed, and dejected. I wiped the tears from my eyes and sat up on the bed. I reached for a pen and paper and began to write, telling the world my story. My name is Angela, and THIS THING CALLED LOVE, has left my life more miserable and heartbroken than it met me. 

© Chidinma Grace Nwokocha.

Thanks a lot for stopping by, we really appreciate you and hope to see you soon. 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

THIS THING CALLED LOVE

I felt a sharp pain in my head as I slowly opened my eyes, oblivious of my surroundings. At first, everything seemed blurry and I could only hear people murmuring, shouting, screaming and crying. A voice I later recognized as my mother’s kept screaming: “She’s alive. Thank God! Call the doctor quickly”. I wondered what was happening as none of the things I heard made sense to me. Gently, I blinked continuously, getting accustomed to my environment. The first person I noticed was my mother, she was kneeling beside the bed, holding my hands and weeping. My brother was also standing right there with the Bible in his hands. He was lost in deep prayers that he failed to notice that I was already awake. 

My flatmate sat on my bed looking worried. I looked at my hand and the drip hanging above my head. “Hospital? What am I doing here?” I asked. My flatmate narrated that she came into my room and met me lying on the floor unconscious so she hurriedly took me to the hospital where she worked and called my mother who arrived with my brother. She further said that I had been in the hospital for a week with no signs of recovery, and just when everyone was losing hope, I suddenly opened my eyes. "Me? Unconscious? What could have happened?" I wondered again. I thought for a bit and slowly began to remember the events that happened up until that fateful day when I tried to take my own life.

I met Dan at a time when I was not prepared for a relationship. I was 15 years old and I was fortunate to have gained aadmission into the University at that age. Not only was I so young, I was also very naïve. I was still a virgin and I had received several preachings from my pastor and mother about the importance of getting married as a virgin. So when Dan asked me to be his girlfriend, I was reluctant to say yes because I knew the kind of immoral things people engaged in at the University and I did not want to be a part of it. Above all, I wanted to honour God with my body. But Dan persisted...

He was so nice and funny. He showered me with so much love and affection that after much persuasion from friends, I said yes to him. However, I gave him a strict condition that the relationship must be one with 'no-sex' . He agreed and we started dating. Unfortunately after a month, he got tired of the no-sex thing and then series of cheating began. He cheated shamelessly and sometimes brought the ladies into my apartment. He had a key to my room and so whenever I travelled, my room became his haven. His relationships with these other ladies continued until the day I walked in and caught him having sex with one of them. This happened after one year of dating Dan. His unruly attitude had become too much for me to handle and so we decided to bring the relationship to an end. I found out years later that he got married to someone else and they had 2 kids. That was my first attempt at love.

My second love was Collins. Collins was a perfect gentleman and when I presented the rules and regulations to guide the relationship, he had no difficulty accepting them. He appeared to be a good Christian, the type of guy that my mum had advised me to get married to. I was hopeful that we would keep the bed undefiled until our wedding day when I would present my virginity to him as my wedding gift. Collins was already a graduate, he was responsible and had a job already. He made it clear from the beginning that he wasn’t just asking for a relationship but that he was willing to make me his wife and the mother of his kids. He sounded honest and genuine so I had no difficulty believing him. 

At least, this was a better option. "I would get married to him and that way, I would not need to keep him waiting and risk being cheated on again. I also would not need to commit sexual immorality with him." I thought to myself. Collins and I had only dated for a year when I got the shock of my life. My housemate had informed me of a letter that came in for me. After much thoughts on what the content of the letter could be, my eyes beheld an invitation to attend Collin's wedding ceremony. I could  not believe my eyes. After all the promises Collins made to me, he was getting married to another person. This was unbelievable but that was not the most painful part of the whole thing.

To be continued...

Chidinma Grace Nwokocha 

Thanks a lot for stopping by and we hope to see you next week. 

OneLove, 

SomzyBrown.