IF HE HASN'T TALKED ABOUT IT AFTER 2 YEARS...2

As we said last week, the man I discussed with said that it is important to avoid being with 'time-wasters'. The truth is that some men and women alike get into relationships just for the fun of it and it would be sad for you to be in such relationship especially if it means so much more to you than it means to the other person involved. You need to be wise and prayerful so that you do not end up with or you're not currently with a time-waster. While some delays are genuine (i.e. the guy or the lady is still trying to sort out some important aspects of their lives), some others are intentional and are done in a bid to waste the time of another. You deserve more than to be with someone who just wants to waste your time especially when it is evident that this person is maritally ready.

He also said that in 2 years, a serious man would say something about the end goal. Talking about it or saying something about it does not mean that the time is now. It just means that he is involving you in his plans and you're aware of such plans. If a man wants to get certain things from a person he partners with in business, he will definitely state it at the beginning or along the line. He will never make the mistake of not stating it at all because he knows that failure to mention his desires could be a sign of non-interest and could lead to some loss. This illustration is applicable to a relationship. If he means business, he will not hesitate to let you know. If he intends to get married to you, he would not be ashamed to say it at one point or the other.

Also allow me drop this here - if you're in an undefined relationship (i.e. he does not know or see you as his girlfriend or you do not know whether you are his girlfriend), this does not apply to you o. The first thing you will need to sort out is whether you are in a relationship or not. 

Now back to the main issue - If you've prayed and you're sure that this is the person you should be with and you are both ready, there is really no need to keep counting down. 4 years down and you're not married. So what's the point of the relationship? A count down relationship or one that should lead to marriage? You might really need to re-evaluate your relationship by ensuring that you are in it for the right reasons and that you're not being delayed or delaying someone unnecessarily. 

Also, I believe that dating with the hope that one day, he will tell you that he has decided to get married to you isn't right. As earlier said, a man knows what he wants before he goes for it and so should a woman. Although it might not be in a woman's place to ask a man if he intends to get married to her, but it is in her place to know why he wants to be in a relationship with her. Is it possible for this reason to change along the way? Yes! Some people start a relationship with the intention to get married but along the way somethings happen and they are unable to get married. This is understandable but at least they got into it for the right reasons.

All that we have said is not to say that you  should leave your boyfriend because in 2 years he hasn't said anything about marriage. Neither is it for you to force him to get married to you. It might just be a time to do some checks and balances. What exactly is going on in the relationship? Are you both mature? Are you both ready? If your answer to these questions are YES, then you will need to discover what is causing the delay.

Wisdom is profitable to direct and I pray that God will give all of us wisdom. Thanks a lot for staying with us on this. 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown 

IF HE HASN'T TALKED ABOUT IT AFTER 2 YEARS...

Growing up, I wanted to know so much about many things but for one reason or the other, I realised that majority of my questions were centred around marriage and relationships. One beautiful day, I walked up to a man I respect so much and I asked: "how long do you think a person should be in a relationship for before they decide to get married?" He answered and said: "1 (one) to 2 (two) years is fine". This stayed with me for a while and then I had another discussion with someone else. 

Before I move on to the other discussion I had, let me just say that when he gave that response, he was not saying that the number of years to spend in a relationship is limited to 1 to 2 years, it could certainly be more. Also in his response, he was not referring to 14, 16 or 18 year olds. I just had to state this so that one 14 year old who is currently in a relationship would not think that by age 16, it is okay for her boyfriend and herself to get married. By his response to my question, he was referring to mature people. Yes we can say that maturity is not equal to age but please not a 16 or 18 year old. Thank you. (Smiles). 

Now to the second discussion - I know of many people who courted for 6 to 7 years and got married but I also know of some other people who courted for that long but decided to go their separate ways. I really could not fathom this especially because I felt some people could consider this a waste of time. So I asked another question: "if two mature people (both age wise and character wise) have been dating for 3 to 5 years and the man does not seem to say anything. What should the lady do? Is it right for her to pop the question by herself or should she just be expectant that he would one day say something?"

Without thinking for long, he said "Ife, from the day a mature man starts dating/courting, he knows what he wants from a lady and that is the reason he came to you in the first place. If he wants to get married to you, his conversations would be centred around that 'sometimes' but if he really doesn't care about that part of the relationship, he would avoid saying anything about it. If two mature people are in a relationship for more than two years and no serious discussion about marriage has come up, then you might need to think deeply about what you are really doing and maybe move on".

I was still curious and I wanted to know more but the last statement he made got me thinking. Does that mean that once it is 2 (two) years and he hasn't popped the question, a break-up should happen? No! There is so much more he said that I might not be able to say here because I don't want to bore you but in essence he was trying to drive home a point. Many people get into relationships these days just to be able to say that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend or to say that they are in a relationship with someone. Some others get into relationships in a bid to avoid the pressure from friends and family members asking for when they would get married. The major reason for getting into a relationship should be marriage and that is why you need to pray about this before you take any step of such. Although the essence of a relationship (i.e. marriage) has been watered down, it still does not change the fact that that is the real essence.

He also said that it is important to avoid being with someone who is a "time-waster'. We shall continue with this next week. Thanks for stopping by, we truly do appreciate your support.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown 

HOW LONG DO I WAIT BEFORE I MOVE ON?

I have had numerous discussions with people in relation to the above topic and I think it's high time I wrote about it. The first thing I would like to say is that people get into relationships for different reasons and they also break up for different reasons. As a result of this, there is no specific time that would suit everyone and no comparison can or should be made because every situation is different.

Moving on after a break up is dependent on the person involved and the circumstances that led to the break-up. For some people, after a break-up with their boyfriend or girlfriend, they decide that they would not get into another relationship with someone else until they are completely healed or until they have completely gotten over the terrible feeling of being jilted or whatever the case may be. Some other people go into a relationship immediately after a break-up not necessarily because they planned to but because while they were trying to get over the heart break, someone else was there to console and encourage them and it just made sense to be with that person.

We are all different and we react to hurt or disappointment differently. This is one of the reasons you should not compare your situation to that of another person. Although, there is no hard and fast rule about this, one very important thing is that you need to ensure that you have gotten to a point where your heart has totally forgiven the person that broke-up with you or that you broke up with . The reason for this is that it is not good to carry along gabbages from a previous relationship into a new one as this would affect how you treat or view the new person in your life. You really should not go into a relationship comparing the former guy or lady to the new guy or lady because they are totally different people. Making comparisons in your heart or through your words and actions is the worse thing you can do to a person you are in a relationship with. Nobody likes this, nobody wants this and you would not like it if you are on the receiving end of such behaviour.

I also need to point out that it is not every break-up that leads to one person or the other being extremely hurt. There are some break-ups that happen based on a mutual understanding and agreement between the two people involved and as such, it might be easier for such people to move on. While it might take some people a year or more to make the decision to be with someone else, it might take a shorter time for other people. The fact that Tola got into another relationship one week after she encountered a break-up does not mean that Bimbo can and should afford to do the same.

Take home point: Make sure you are completely healed of the former before you get into the new one. Ensure that you have learnt from the mistakes you made in the past or the things you did not do right (if any) before you move into another relationship. The fact that your friend got into a new relationship a month after she had a break-up in her previous relationship does not mean that that same time frame applies to you. There is no specific amount of time to wait for before moving on, you move on when you know you are ready to and you're the only one that can determine that.

Thanks for stopping by.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

THE LIST 2

A list is a great way to put your thoughts together and to ensure that you have taken note of the important things to you as a person. As such, having a list of things that you desire in a future spouse is not a bad thing. However, it is important to consider the reality that you may not find someone with all the attributes in your list because as we said in the previous post - NOBODY IS PERFECT. So what then happens to your list? Does it mean you have to put it aside and lower your expectations? NO! Your list is still valid,  even though some analysis and re-ordering might be necessary in order to avoid waiting forever for ‘the one’. 

The first thing is to consider the components of your list. There is usually a high tendency for people to lay emphasis  on physical and material things over and above other things because that is what they see first. If your list consists of primarily physical and material things, you might need to take a step back and think about more important things like character. The reason for this is that - physical and material things are temporary  (i.e. do not last long) and it is not impossible to be miserable even with a spouse that has all the physical and material things you desire. 

Another thing to consider is dividing your list into two sections: ‘non-negotiables’ and ‘negotiables’. This will help put things into perspective and define your priorities.  

‘Non-negotiables’ as the name implies are attributes that you cannot overlook. They are core aspects of a person’s character, personality, and behavior that are deal-breakers i.e. if the person doesn’t tick those boxes, you will have to say bye-bye. This section should comprise of things that are at the core of who the person is. A great example for Christians is the biblical instruction to not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. This means that for a Christian, a prospective spouse’s beliefs should be non-negotiable. 

Other things that fall under this category are: values, mindset, character, maturity, and so on. The reason why they are non-negotiable is because they can significantly impact your life. For instance, someone who is materialistic and believes life is all about money will easily put their greed above the needs of their spouse which will negatively impact such person’s spouse. 

‘Negotiables’ on the other hand are areas which though relevant, you are willing to bend on. These comprise mostly of physical things and relatively trivial things which will not matter in the long run and have no bearing on who the person is. The most common examples are physical attributes and material possessions. There’s nothing wrong with wanting someone who drives the latest car, has an hour glass figure, or is from the same tribe as you but we must not allow the absence of such attribute put us off a prospective spouse especially if the person ticks the boxes under the non-negotiables section.

There is the need to ask yourself why that attribute is so important and what impact it will have on your future in the long run. Again there’s nothing wrong with desiring certain physical attributes and material possessions but if you allow them have greater or equal weight with the core things like character, there is the risk of making a wrong decision or turning away some really great people. 

Also consider that some things can change/ be changed. For instance, someone with a bad fashion sense can learn how to dress better while someone who drives the latest car today may not do so tomorrow. The transient nature of such things shows that major decisions should not be hinged on them. We must not allow ‘packaging’ lead us astray.

Ultimately, as a Christian, it is important to be led by the spirit of God and not just your desires in making a decision about a future spouse. In addition, you should ensure that the kind of person embodied in your list would want to be with someone like you especially in the non-negotiable areas. If you want someone prayerful or diligent, ask yourself if you exhibit such skill. If you do not, what steps are you taking to ensure that you develop in that area you’re lacking? Chances are that someone who is prayerful would also want a prayerful spouse.  

Thanks a lot for stopping by. We hope to see you here again. Please drop your comments if you have any.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown 

THE LIST

Fantasies are bound to happen, plans for life are expected to be in place, bucketlist are also expected to be available but a not too recent trend are the qualities and what to expect from a MAN. Nothing is wrong with having a list of expectations of the preferred man that a lady would love to spend the rest of her life with. If we do not think it  through and pen it down, how then are we expected to remember or know what to look out for in a man. The List can be endless from TDH (Tall, Dark and Handsome) to working in an "oyel" company, to having a ride, having an apartment of his own etc..... 

Becca had a list of what she expected and wanted in a guy. As a focused and determined lady, she never compromised on this list especially the major ones. She had a picture of a perfect home with a perfect man and everything being blissful. She wanted a ready made, plug and play bespoke kind of man. A lot of men had actually walked up to her, some with the best of intentions and others to waste her time, because of how beautiful and smart she is. They all never ticked all the boxes on her list and she never hesitated in letting them go. According to her, "it is possible to get a man that is all round perfect.

She decided to attend a younger cousin's wedding where the chairman of the occasion offered an advice to the single ladies there - "There is always the right man for every woman and vice versa but never look out for the perfect because God does not work with the perfect, He uses the imperfect to perfect all things. There is no perfect man or woman out there but you can make everything perfect. You can make an imperfect man or woman into being your perfect man or woman. It is good to have a list but be careful not to lose the right man or woman for you because he or she does not tick all the boxes on your list."

The above speech hit Becca "below the belt" and she is questioning her principles and list. Is it wrong to have a wish list for the kind of man one wants? Should this list be the all in all or should it be one that is flexible?

We would like to know your thoughts on this so please do drop your comments.

OneLove

SomzyBrown.

WHY MEN DON'T LIKE TO SAY IT FIRST. 3

"Ope, I am not begging you to remain with me if you've made up your mind not to. I just want to live my life with a clear conscience. Have I wronged you? Can you at least talk to me? What's going on with you? Please talk to me?". 

"Temi, you haven't done anything wrong. I just don't think I am capable of being a good boyfriend to you. I have a lot going on and I don't want to bring you into all of my mess." 

"Your mess? I don't understand! What mess? What's going on? You really need to speak to me. I have stayed with you this long and right now you think whatever you are going through is sufficient to make me leave you?" 

"Don't worry about it Temiloluwa. I will be alright.

This conversation did not go as Temi thought it would. She could not believe her ears and she was tired of pushing him to talk. To her this was an indirect way of Ope saying 'my heart has left you'. This was really sad for her. She had given her all to him and made a lot of sacrifices for him. Is this what she deserves? Well, at different times she wanted to have another chat with Ope but she knew the outcome would be the same. So one day, after crying and thinking it through, she sent a message to him:

"Thanks for being my boyfriend. I guess this is the time where I say goodbye and I wish you all the best."

That was it for Temi and Ope. Ope knew he did not want the relationship anymore but he could not say it to Temi. Rather, he stopped talking to her and changed his behaviour towards her without saying what she had done wrong. But why couldn't he tell her that he was tired of the relationship and just break up with her? 

This happens a lot of times and it leaves ladies wondering why men can not MAN UP to say that they are really done when they are. Indirectly saying it with their actions frustrates ladies because they really cannot place what they might have done wrong or what the issue is.

This issue has come up a few times and I had to speak to some guys about it. One of the guys said "As guys, we have the feeling that ladies like to have bragging rights that they were the ones who broke up and so we try to give them that privilege." Another guy said "when a man notices something that he is not comfortable with about his girlfriend, he tends to withdraw. He refuses to say anything about it because he does not want to hurt her."

It is sad that some people in a bid not to hurt their girlfriends,  keep shut and allow the girl give up. This particular act hurts the lady more than having to break up with her. There has to be a better way to handle this guys. While you shouldn't hurt her with your words, you shouldn't also leave her hanging cos she deserves much more.

Thank you so much for stopping by. We appreciate your constant support.

OneLove

SomzyBrown 

WHY MEN DON'T LIKE TO SAY IT FIRST 2

"Ope, what exactly is happening to and with us? Why do you all of a sudden choose to treat me like I mean nothing to you?" 

"I am not treating you anyhow Temiloluwa. You mean so much to me and you remain my priority" he responded.

 This looked like a joke to Ope and Temi was not ready for all that. "Ope, you do not seem to understand or care about what I am saying. You have changed your attitude towards me and I do not understand why?" "How do you mean, Temi? I have not changed towards you and I do not know what you are talking about."

Temi was shocked that the caring Ope she knew no longer cared about how she felt. She could not fathom his behavioural change. How g ould someone who claimed to love her and who had promised to get married to her all of a sudden change his mind. Well he had not outrightly said that he was not interested in her anymore but his action spoke volumes. Temiloluwa tried to ponder on what she could have done to him but nothing was coming to her mind. To the best of her knowledge, she had treated him right in every way. She thought about it deeply and she could not think of anything else but the suspicion that Ope had found someone else. 

She was not entirely sure about this but she just believed that that could be the only reason Ope would treat her the way he did. He gradually stopped calling her and whenever she called him, he either promised to call her back and never did or refused to pick up. This went on for months and Temi had began to get extremely frustrated. She tried to speak about it to someone but she was so ashamed of herself. She had closed the door on all her friends because of Opeyemi. Who was going to listen to her without mocking her? Who would console her? 

Temiloluwa decided to have another chat with Ope and this time around, she was ready to really express herself. "Ope, I understand that people fall out of love and lose interest in who they once claimed to love. While this would really hurt if it's true, I'ld rather you let me know than  for you to keep treating me like I am non-existent in your life. It is okay to say that you are no longer interested in this relationship. You don't have to keep me in it if you are out of it already." She said all of these but the only thing Ope could say was "Okay, I've heard you." 

This statement hurt Temi so much. Had she done that badly, why would her own Ope choose to treat her like trash. The change was drastic, unexpected and unexplainable. Ope had told everyone of his intent to get married to her and now he was beginning to gradually walk uuaway without an explanation. Days went into weeks and weeks into months and Ope had still refused to see, talk or chat with Temi. 

It was very obvious that Ope did not want the relationship anymore but Temi was in denial. "Maybe he is going through something that is making him behave this way. Maybe he just needs me to be understanding and patient with him. Maybe..., Maybe...." As a result of all the maybessss, Temi decided to have a last physical discussion with Ope. She had promised herself that it would be the last one. But was it???

To be continued...

Thank you so much for stopping by, we hope to see you next week.