CAN I EVER LOVE OR BE LOVED??

 

My mother was and still is the most wonderul person that you can ever meet. She takes on people's problems and issues like they are hers and even at the most difficult situation, she ensures that she finds a solution. She was and still is such a blessing not just to her family members but to friends and even to strangers. Mum gives! She can give for Africa. She is very peaceful and this and many more I have learnt from her. She treats my friends with so much care and sometimes people think she is their mother. 

 

Growing up was all fun because of her. She was married to this very handsome and wonderful man who of course was the man of the house. They loved each other so much and this was glaring to the world. They had great plans for their home and they looked forward to actualising these plans. Before their marriage, they had both analysed and discussed on how they were going to handle their boys when they were born. They unanimously wanted two boys and were ready to raise them in the best way possible.

 

Like the saying goes: "God works in mysterious ways", this actually did come to pass in my parent's lives. God decided to bless them firstly with a beautiful girl (me). They tried their possible best to take care of me and show me love even though I wasn't really the one they were expecting. The first four years of my life was filled with a mixture of happiness and sadness. While my parents were excited that they had a child (which many of their friends did not have at that time), they were not happy that it was not a male child.

 

After four years of waiting for their 'looked forward to' boy, they got blessed with my younger sister (Ireti). Ireti was a gift to me, I do not particularly think she was a gift to my parents at that time because Ireti's birth was yet another dissapointment to them. However, she was a blessing to me because there was someone to talk to irrespective of whether she understood me. Finally I had someone to play with, even if it meant just touching her face and pulling her hands and legs. Ireti was and is very adorable, I was and I am very happy to have her as my sister.

 

As if this was not enough, my parents kept trying and hoping that the next child will be a boy.  Three (3) years later, they not so surprisingly gave birth to another beautiful sister  of mine (Bimbo). Bimbo was actually the cutest baby ever. She was beautiful in all ramifications and anyone who had her as a child was blessed to have her. But were my parents blessed or did they consider themselves blessed? Well, all they wanted was for God to compensate them by giving them a male child but since that male child wasn't coming forth, they were supposed to move on and enjoy the 3 beautiful girls that God had blessed them with, right?

 

At this point, what do you think happened? Did they get tired or did they try one more time to see if they could at least get 1 out of the 2 boys they really looked forward to having??

 

Thanks for stopping by, we hope to see you next week.

 

OneLove,

 

SomzyBrown

 

JOY IN MY RELATIONSHIP.

So this has been on my mind lately regarding JOY in relationships. Every relationship is filled with the good, bad, ugly, ups and downs, interesting times and not too interesting times but the beauty of it all is to never let anything take away the joy and love within.

JOY according to the Webster dictionary is defined as the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires.  It is also defined as the expression or exhibition of such emotion.

What defines your JOY? What brings you JOY? Is your JOY attached to material things or your partner?? Does what you regard as JOY depend on immediate feelings or emotions? Do you have a defined goal and purpose with your partner regarding your relationship? You need to understand that JOY differs from happiness and people do mix this up. Happiness is mostly dependent on and influenced by external events occurring now while JOY is an inbuilt feeling not easily influenced by external factors and are mostly good feelings irrespective of current outcomes.

In maintaining JOY in your relationship, the following principles are to be observed:

• Always have and maintain a right perspective to all situations irrespective of the factors around you. What you focus and feed rightly, you give strength to.
• Contentment is regarded as a state of happiness and satisfaction. No one is perfect, be contented with what you have especially with your partner but that does not mean one should not strive to improve.
• Life is filled with challenges, so expect battles and as the “boy scout” motto says – BE PREPARED… also stay strong.
• Always remember that discipline improves and understand the reason for the discipline, that’s the only way it can be effective.
• I love this principle of you having a core as this showcases your confidence and a chance to prove your worth.
• In the process of having a core, ensure you have a long term vision with your partner as this will give you direction.
• Always remember to love life and live it to the fullest wisely. Take a break from the norm, give yourselves a treat, enjoy the moment.
• “A fool’s way is right in his own eyes but whosoever listens to counsel is wise”, cultivate an attentive listening habit and never cease to seek counsel as no man is an island of knowledge.
• Always pursue inner peace with yourself as this will open your mind to creativity alongside a life without worry.
• Oh yes, LOVE YOURSELF 1^st because you cannot give what you don’t have. When you are able to do this, you will be able to love your partner and others easily.
• Never go weary of being good as this conquers evils. You cannot conquer evil with evil.
• Discover friendship and first of all be friends with your partner because true friendship survives the test of time and hardship.
• Learn to easily forgive as love prospers when a fault is forgiven. Never dwell or linger on an issue for too long as this widens the gap between the two of you.
• A grateful heart will always be a joyful heart. Be grateful for all things as this opens many doors to greater things
• Allow yourself to cry it out when you have a bad day but never dwell on it for too long. Pick yourself up and refocus. You are human and it’s okay to have a meltdown.

Always remember that JOY takes time, it is like you sowing a seed and there will always be a harvest time but the ground (your heart) in which you plant the seed will determine the number of fruits you will reap. Therefore, guard your heart with all diligence because out of it flows the issues of life.

Oluwatobi Emmanuel

Thanks for stopping by, we hope you enjoyed this write-up by our guest writer. Have a blessed and fruitful

Falling in Love and Staying in Love - Two Different Acts.

I have discovered that love does not guarantee the success of a relationship. Love cannot help you stick to one person all year round, and on the other hand, cheating is not always a product of not loving your partner. In fact, loving someone does not guarantee not falling in love with someone else.

Relationships work out mostly because of our head and not our heart. It works out because of our emotional maturity, empathetic intelligence and self discipline because, time will come when you will see more beautiful, handsome, romantic, intelligent, sexy, rich, curvy and God fearing people than the one you are in a relationship with.

In those times, love will not help you; self control will help you, emotional intelligence will come to your rescue and commitment will keep you going. With those characteristics, no matter how you feel for someone else, the person you are committed to will rank first in your life.

You think happily married people do not see better people than the ones they married? You think they do not feel funny sometimes? You think they do not catch feelings? They do!

But the understanding that commitment is greater than feelings is the great arsenal that do destroy that impulse.

You can fall in love with anyone, but building a relationship takes absolutely more than what attracted you to them and takes more than love.

We are too fond of loving when it is convenient and sweet. We are too fond of loving when love is there but that can only last for just the first 3-6 months of the relationship. After then, you will realize that the feelings have dropped, it is now your responsibility to make it work, not love's responsibility.

Relationships cannot be ready-made. You have to build it and it is never always about love, it requires commitment and intelligence. On the long run in marriages, it's not just love that keeps them together forever, it's determination and commitment.

Everyone falls in love; it takes little or no effort to do that. But staying in love? Building a relationship? Only the strong and committed ones do that. That is why we must find that one person and commit to that one, discipline yourself and bridle your emotions.

Building a relationship is hard work, it is like building a career, it is like pursuing a dream. It's always tough, at some point it will be so bitter but you can make it work by putting your heads together, you can scale through the trying time by being focused and committed.

The kind of love that attracts two people together is not the kind of love that will keep them together. Be emotionally strong and be self disciplined.

Author - Anonymous

A friend of mine shared this write-up and I was wowed! I thought it will be unnice not to share with you (smiles).

Thanks for stopping by guys, we hope to see you next week.

OneLove,
SomzyBrown

The Simple Act That Makes a Big Difference

Someone I call my big brother directed a movie, in fact owns the movie “COUPLE OF DAYS”. I finally got to watch it a few months ago and there is so much to learn from it. He is not paying me to do this, in fact he does not know that I am doing this but if you have not seen that movie, I will strongly advice that you do. I would share some of the things I learnt here but please try to watch this movie whenever you can.

Marriages and relationships will have a lot of issues and challenges. In fact, ‘impossible’ is the word for trying or attempting to take them away. However the way such issues are handled is what really matters. Some people are really childish in the way they handle issues but this is not a wise thing to do. The fact that a person or your partner does something very disgusting does not imply that you should never talk to him or her again. Things get worse when you act in this manner and if your intention is not to talk to him/ her for two (2) days, it could increase if your partner is also like you.

If a relationship or marriage means a lot to you as an individual, you will handle it with care and not just allow anything take it away from you. People give many reasons to prove that their partner deserves no form of forgiveness but really is there anyone that does not deserve forgiveness? God always forgives us when we fall and He expects us to do the same thing. He expects us to forgive our partners when they do a wrong act or behave in an unexpected manner.

Forgiving your partner does not imply you being in support of what he or she said, did or engaged in. It means deciding to understand that he or she has made a mistake and moving on from that mistake or error committed by your partner. In order for forgiveness to be effective, both parties have to be willing to let go of a lot things. Forgiveness is a conscious effort, it will not just jump at you - it is also a gradual process, if you begin by forgiving your spouse when she commits a 'small' wrong, when there is a seemingly 'big' wrong, you will be able to forgive.

How much can you overlook? The problem many of us have is that we cannot tolerate anything. When she makes the slightest mistake, you scream at her; when he fails to do something, you decide to keep malice. I am a strong believer in speaking out your mind whenever you are offended but sometimes you just need to chill. You need to analyse things and sometimes you just need to overlook that mistake.

Practice makes perfect and so you need to practice forgiveness. Although this is in relation to relationship and marriages, it is applicable to everyone (whether you’re in a relationship with them or not). Forgiveness is deserved by everyone around you and everyone in the world so start practicing this with those that offend you at work, at the market place, on the road etc.

When you fail to forgive, you build up strife and strife is not good for anyone.

The people who appear to be having a lovely relationship or marriage are not people with little or no issues, rather they are people who have decided to forgive each other (regardless of how great or small the offence is) and have decided to move on.

You have to be ready and willing to forgive and let go of whatever wrong that your spouse does to you. Would it be painful? Yes of course. Him cheating on you; she failing to tell you about her past; you bearing a lot... yes you might have done so much but forgiveness is a big sacrifice that you have to make in a marriage or relationship. It is a continous task. I remember a Pastor once saying that "the moment he got into his marriage with his wife, they made a decision to never go to bed without settling any disagreement or issue that they have".

This might be harsh but it is the truth - if you have not learnt how to or worked on the act of forgiving, you are not ready for relationship/marriage. In this season of love, let us remember this "you have not succeeded at loving if you do not know how to forgive". Quote by me.

Thanks for stopping by.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown 

IT DOES NOT COST MUCH TO BE FAITHFUL!

When people go into relationships, some already have the mentality that they cannot be in a relationship with just one person and as a result of this, they begin to look outside even before the relationship is 1 month old. By 'outside',  I mean that they begin to try to see if they can find a new girlfriend or boyfriend because they already feel that they cannot cope or for other reasons best known to them. While some may break the heart of their partner by breaking up, others may decide to double or triple date which is equally not right.

The truth is that everyone has the tendency to want something better or to try something new but not everyone will carry this out. It is a decision on your part to be satisfied and content with who you are in a relationship with or to look outside for someone better. Although it is adviceable to remain faithful in your relationship and with your partner, the choice is for you to make. Double or triple dating is not good for anyone and so we all need to learn to discipline ourselves; to exercise self control and to be content.

You asked that lady out for a reason and you said yes to him for a reason. As a lady, if you knew you did not want to be with him, you could just have told him that you were not interested. You really did not have to say yes! As a man, if you knew that you really did not want to be in a relationship with her, why did you bother speaking to her about it? If you have asked her out and if you have said yes, you owe your partner every level of faithfulness.

The decision to be faithful in your relationship begins with you. You need to make up your mind not to allow ‘unfaithfulness’ be an option for you. Your relationship is not like a football field where players are changed based on a slight mistake or weakness. Relationship is some hardwork and you need to be ready to work hard at it. There will be issues (no doubt) but the willingness to settle such issues should not be lacking. If two people go into a relationship with the mind set that they would be faithful to each other, they would work at it no matter what comes their way.

Relationship is a sacrifice and even though some people do not take it serious, it is a highly serious matter. The person you are in a relationship with, will have some flaws and you also have some flaws as no one is perfect. You need to make the decision to either help work on these flaws with your partner because you are in it together or you give him/her time to get better at such. 

If you cannot be faithful in a relationship, would this attitude jump at you in marriage? If you cannot exercise self control and be content with one man or one woman now, how will this be a possibility when you are married? Some people say "It will be different when I am married. I can play around now but I will be faithful when I am married" how can this be? Practice they say, makes perfect. What this means is that whatever you practise now will be perfected in marriage except you change. Remember change is gradual, it would not just jump at you.

The fact that a person has flaws is not  enough reason to make you leave that person. I am not and no one will ask you to remain in a relationship with someone that molests you or someone that is violent and so where this is the case, I will not advice you to continue with the relationship in the name of being faithful. 

Everyone can be faithful if we all make the decision to be. Let us work on ourselves and make the decision to be faithful in our relationships and I pray that God will give us this grace in Jesus name.

Thank you so much for stopping by, we hope to see you next week.

OneLove,

Somzybrown

DISCLOSURE - FULL OR PARTIAL??

 

 

So I have been thinking about this for a while and I thought I throw it open to you all. How much of your life and the events that have occurred, should you disclose to your spouse or partner? Should you disclose everything? Or should you rather keep somethings to yourself and disclose others? How careful should you be about the things that you disclose to your spouse?

 

Full disclosure is the willingness not to hide anything from your partner while partial disclosure is deciding to say somethings but hide somethings. Full disclosure could be in relation to events that have occurred in the past but it also has to do with the decision to be open to your spouse in the future.

 

While it is the argument of some people that there should be full disclosure in marriage, others are of the opinion that even in marriage, full disclosure is not necessary. Some others opine that there should be full disclosure in marriages as well as relationships. These views are as a result of the different experiences that such people have had personally or from other people's experiences.

 

Full disclosure is highly advisable but the following must be noted:

 

1. For every action, there is always a reaction and consequence. Are you ready to handle the consequences of your actions? Are you ready to handle the reaction of your partner?

 

2. Trust - How well do you trust your partner to disclose the information to him/her? How well do you trust him/her to manage and handle the information?If you trust your partner to deal with and handle the disclosure well, then go ahead but if not, be wise as to how you go about it.

 

3. How matured is your partner to handle the depth and weight of the information involved? How does he/she  react to regular activities or information?

 

4. How understanding is your partner when it comes to issues and your views?

 

5. What is the spiritual belief of your partner? If the relationship is from God and he/she understands the spiritual protocols, this will go a long way in determining the level of disclosure and how he/she will handle it.

 

Half disclosure is not exactly adviceable for the following reasons:

 

1. Distrust - your partner finding out something that he/she ought to have known or something that you should not have hesitated to tell him/her, could lead to distrust. He/she may not be able to trust you again and this is due to the fact that you hid an information that he/she ought to have known. Some people when  they make the decision to hide somethings say that they are doing it for their partners - they want to save him or her from any emotional stress that the disclosure might cause. This reason is however not sufficient enough.

 

2. Creates insecurity - the fear of what your partner will do if he finds out from another person or even from you could make you really insecure. You do not need such insecurity as you both are supposed to work and walk together in love and not in fear. Also your partner could feel insecure as he or she will be unsure as to the other things that might be revealed in the course of the relationship or marriage.

 

3. Leads to breakdown of communication - failing to disclose facts to your partner could lead to loss of communication. It may not happen immediately but as time goes on, there is a tendency that the communication which exists will break down. You really do not want to lose communication with your partner because communication is one of the major rocks of a relationship and marriage.

 

4. More non-disclosure: when you fail to disclose one thing and you do not feel bad about it, you get tempted to keep doing it and as such there will be more non-disclosure which will gradually and might likely break down the marriage or relationship.

 

So the Question now is: full disclosure or partial disclosure? Are the consequences for this too high to pay or otherwise??

 

Please kindly drop your comments and let us know what you think. Thank you so much and have a blessed week.

 

OneLove,

 

Somzybrown

DO NOT ALLOW INSANITY CREEP IN...3

When you are hurting, there is a tendency to want to do something stupid or crazy due to the fact that there is so much pain within. The truth however is that you are the one who knows the values that you have and you know when you are beginning to gradually walk away from them. The fact that you experienced a terrible break up or heart break is not sufficient enough reason to make you change your values or principles. You might feel really hurt and low but you are who you think you are and not what others think you are. I will always say that if those ‘principles’ are too rigid or are not good – you can change them but if they are good, you need not allow anyone or any circumstance make you change them. Do not compromise your great and admirable standards because you feel it affected your previous relationship. If they are good/great, keep them! Someone who will value those standards will definitely come your way.

For those who give up on love, I would advice you not to. True love really does  exist and I pray you find one. Do not let the different situations that have occurred or your break-up story stop you from ever getting into a relationship again. The fact that she cheated on you does not mean that every other woman out there will cheat on you. That he physically abused you does not also mean that every man out there will physically or emotionally abuse you. No matter what he or she did to you, there is someone out there who will treat you better. Although all of these are true, you also need to be prayerful and very careful. Do not just be moved by his or her outward appearance or outward character, the inner part of a human being is more important, so be wise!

Last but not the least – Prayer is key. The best way to release and forgive and move on in life, is to pray for that person that jilted you or that hurt you. Pray the same prayer that you desire for yourself for that person and trust me, you will be surprised at how quickly, you will heal. This works like magic, it has worked for many people including myself so please give it a trial. It might be very difficult to do this at first but with time it will become easier and seamless.

Conclusively – RE- EVALUATE – think of the things that you might have done wrong, the bad behavior or character that you need to change (i.e. how do you want your spouse and children to meet you?). Develop yourself – work on those things and get better at what you thought was good; read books; attend seminars; learn from people’s mistakes, make the decision to move on. Do not allow a breakup or heart break make you do crazy things or get you insane, no person is worth you killing yourself over. Please do not allow vulnerability lead you to making a mistake, do not get too attached to someone especially when you are still hurting because for all you care, at that point all you will see is love and care and you might not take note of more important things. Do not be blind! Do not make a decision in a rush! 

It is my sincere prayer that you will overcome this hurtful feeling as soon as possible in Jesus name.

Thank you so much for staying with us all through this series, we appreciate you.

OneLove,

Somzybrown