WE WERE SO IN LOVE ...

My relationship with Folarin started 6 years ago. Oh my goodness! He was actually the best thing that had happened to me. We were friends for about 2 years and so altogether we spent 8 years with each other. Things were pretty cool between us and we were so excited about our relationship that our excitement even made other people happy. Folarin was (and still is) very cool headed, he is lovely, sweet and kind-hearted. Oh my goodness, he is such a gentle man and sometimes he over does it. Although he had told me several times that I am very kind-hearted and sweet, I could not compare myself to him because he is just the definition of a perfect man (at least in my opinion).

Although he had not done the nowadays getting on his knees with a ring to ask me to marry him (you understand all those things that happen now yeah?), we both had an understanding that we were going to get married. He had told me times without number of how different I was and how that he saw me as his wife. I really did not understand why he said this but then he did say it a lot of times and I believed him. Sometimes I wondered if he said the same thing to other ladies (you know men and their sweet mouth) but then I came to a conclusion in my heart that he really cherished me and wanted me to be in his life forever.

I loved Folarin so much and he obviously loved me as well. We prayed and fasted together and our relationship was in no doubt, one made in heaven. He encouraged me whenever I was going through a hard time and I loved him for this and many more. Sometimes he would say to me “Ololufe mi, I love you so much and I want to love you forever”. This definitely made  me happy and there was certainly no reason to doubt his love for me.

Folarin had met my parents a few times and had taken the bold step to tell my father that he really loved me when my dad asked about what was between us. I had met Folarin’s parents and they loved me, especially his mum. He had complained about how strict and firm his mum was but the love I got from her was definitely a sign that she was willing to ‘soon’ accept me as her daughter-in-law.

We were not getting any younger and although we had met each other’s parents and knew what we wanted, nothing more was happening. I knew Folarin loved me so much and wanted to get married to me but he was not really saying it. His actions and expressions were signs that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me but then if he was not saying it with his mouth, was it right for me to infer and assume? I did not want to be forward but I also wanted to be sure that we were on the same page and so I decided to bring it up.

Bringing up this issue is one that I will forever regret. The reaction I got from Folarin is one that made me question the love we shared and especially the love and kindness he had shown to me. He scolded and shouted at me in a way that no one had ever done before. “What did I say or do wrong?” “Was I too forward?” “Was it wrong for me to ask a question that determined a lot about our lives?” “Maybe I should just have kept mute and waited for things to unfold”. I really wanted to know what was happening but Folarin certainly was not ready to talk.

To be continued...

Thank you so much for stopping by and we hope to have you here next week.

OneLove,
SomzyBrown

I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.

While I was thinking and pondering upon what today's write up should be on, I had it impressed in my heart to write about this. Truth be told, there are so many issues and topics that could be written on, in fact for some of them I have already written on them but not yet published them. However for this to be so strong in my heart, I think it is needed and would be very helpful to you or someone you know.

We have gotten to the end of the year. Yaay! Who is excited about Christmas? Well I am! (Dancing and giving thanks to God). Anyone travelling to the village? (My igbo people how far na?) Or travelling anywhere at all? Has anyone gotten Christmas clothes? Wait! Do people still get Christmas clothes in our generation? Anyway that is by the way. A whole lot has happened within this year but above all, we thank God for keeping us.

Some people have had it really bad this year - could be the loss of a child; the loss of a spouse; loss of a friend; loss of cordial relationship; loss of a job or anything at all. All of these losses need not be physical death but regardless of what it has been, I am sure it has not been very easy. Maybe you had great expectations on how things should go and they did not happen; maybe you got many promises but also got disappointed by those who made the promises...

This write up is just to encourage you not to give up or back down. I have had my share in this so just in case you are saying that I cannot understand, I actually do.  I might not understand what you have been through but I know what it feels like to have desires and not get them fulfilled. However, God has not brought you this far to leave you. I know this sounds like something you have heard a million times but it is the sincere truth. Yes it is almost the end of the year and you are like "let us just hope 2018 is better!" Please do not doubt  but believe that a miracle can still happen this year and with assurance, 2018 will be the best year so far for you.

For my beautiful people who had their dreams come through on a good relationship or marriage, I say a big congratulations to you. For those of you who were believing that your marriage would be established this year but did not happen, congratulations. I say congratulations because God is turning your disappointments into a big big blessing. He will surprise you greatly and ensure that you are established at the right time and with the right person.

Whatever you are believing God for, whether marital or anything at all, trust Him and thank Him in advance because He has done it already. Do not let the words of people (no matter how close) make you lose hope. There is something great about you and your heart desires will be granted in Jesus name.

However, please be very sincere with yourself - if there is anything that you know you need to do better or develop, please do so. It is not enough to say that things are not working out, sometimes we need to evaluate ourselves and change for the better. However while doing this, do not let your trust be in any man. Remember - OUR HELP, ALL OF OUR HELP COMES FROM THE LORD.

There is this song I love so much and it goes thus:

No matter what you are going through,

Jesus is there for you.

No matter what comes your way,

Jesus will see you through.

................................................

There's a miracle in this place with my name on it (2ce)

All I do is dance, laugh, clap.

Yes! No matter what the problem or challenge is, do not give up because Jesus is actually there for you. No matter how tough and impossible some things seem, remember that nothing is impossible with God.

Please enjoy the rest of this year regardless of what has happened and trust me, you will be very fine.

Thanks for stopping by and please do have a lovely week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

I AM DIFFERENT FROM YOUR EX OR YOUR FRIEND'S BOO!

Bimpe and Bolaji have been together for a few years. They love each other and this is obvious to everyone who knows about them or sees them together. Like every relationship, they have had little issues here and there but so far, they have been successful at settling all discords. There is however an issue that Bolaji seems not to be able to get over with. It saddens his heart every time he remembers and although he has tried to explain things to Bimpe, she does not seem to understand his point of view.

Bolaji is certainly not a perfect man but the moment Bimpe complains about something, he tries his possible best to work on it. Bimpe who fails to recognize that different relationships work differently, makes the mistake of comparing their relationship to that of Tunde and Sayo. Tunde and Sayo look like a perfect couple because they are always giggling, going out and doing some stuff that Bimpe considers to be great. Bolaji does not find this funny but Bimpe keeps doing it. One day she says he is different from her ex and another day, he does not treat her like Tunde treats Sayo.

A lot of things happen in people’s relationships or marriages that you know nothing about. Although it is not wrong to admire people’s relationship, the greatest mistake that you can make is to compare your own relationship to another. The truth is that you can never know the entirety of what goes on in another person’s relationship. You only see the picture they paint and so although they might look perfect, they might not actually be and although they might look imperfect, they might just be having a swell time. Some people show genuine love but some others pretend about it.

If you have issues in your relationship, settle it without making reference to how another couple settled their issues. Trust me, issues can be settled amicably and this would take the two people involved coming to an agreement of what they did wrong and deciding on how to avoid such in the future. Comparing your spouse to another lady or guy that you have seen out there would make the situation worse. So even if your intention is to draw the attention of your spouse to a bad behavior or attitude, if you do this by comparing him or her to that other person, you might end up losing him or her.

I have heard people say: “men do not like it when their babes or wives compare them to other men out there”. Although this is very true, I would like to say that it goes both ways and comparison is not good for anyone. Women as much as men, do not like to be compared to other women. Like I said earlier and I am saying again: “If you want your spouse to work on something, tell him or her in a very nice way and you can definitely do without comparing him or her to another person”.

Another reason it is adviceable to refrain from comparison is the fact that it could weaken your spouse whether you realise it or not. You might say that that is not your intention but then that might be the effect. Some people based on the comparison exercise that goes on in their relationship or marriage, just tell the ‘comparer’ to go be with the ‘comparee’ since he or she thinks that that person is the ideal man or woman. You really do not want to make him or her think unnecessarily, so avoid comparison and save your marriage or relationship.

Relationships and marriages work differently. The fact that one idea or act works well with party A does not mean that the same will work for party B. I know that it is easy to say and not exactly easy to do but then efforts have to be made to avoid this.  Comparing yourself, your relationship or your marriage to another will not make you or your relationship better, it will rather make it worse.

Thank you for stopping by. we hope to see you next week.

OneLove,
Somzybrown

Every Attention I got was a Blessing! 3

At first it was Tunde, I really could not resist the attention I got from him. He was so calm and handsome and I was really shocked that he would walk up to someone like me to have a conversation. "Why was I still looking down on myself though?" I really could not answer this question. I just enjoyed the attention and I was soon going back to where I was coming from. We got talking and yes, I gave him my number. Please do not be quick to judge my actions. I really desired to be different and I worked hard at it but then it just did not seem to be happening.

Can I just say here that transforming yourself and changing your mentality about something does not come easy. It takes you making a conscious effort to keep up with the new you.  You will make mistakes and fall while trying to bring about a change but you have to keep pushing until you get to that desired place. I knew when I was going back to the old me! I knew when I was allowing the existence of non-facial beauty affect me but then I allowed it! I let myself be deceived again and again.  It was a hard time for me and although I fell, I had many people who were there to encourage me and so I decided not to give up.

I began to push hard again, I really needed to get this self-worth, in fact I had to. I needed to realise that not every attention I got I was a blessing. I needed to learn that I need not be with every guy that shows an interest in me. To be honest while some interests by guys might be genuine, others are not. I was still on this quest and because of this a lot had happened to me. Sincerely speaking, I experienced the good, bad and ugly. I have felt love but also been seriously beaten; I have been cared for but also jilted; I have been approached but also rejected…

I have my regrets allowing just anyone get into my space just because I wanted to find the right person and now despite being with over an uncountable number of guys, I have realized that ‘you do not find the right person by jumping from one relationship to another'. You also do not find the right guy by reducing your standard because you feel you are at a disadvantage. I thought I was at a great disadvantage because I was not facially beautiful, little did I know that there was more to beauty than the facial beauty. The sincere but painful truth is that -  it is not every guy that looks cute that is for you. Not every guy that appears to be cool headed is for you. I say ‘appears’ because some people only look cool but are not cool in the real sense of it.

I am definitely a walk in progress. I am not yet where I want to be but I am working really hard to get there. A lot has changed about me and I am gradually getting over this whole feeling of not being beautiful. I have made mistakes due to the wrong mentality that I had but I am moving past my mistakes. I have come to realize that there is no crime in making mistakes but the greatest crime is in failing to learn from those mistakes. It has been a long journey but I am definitely making good progress. I am a better me (I know that).

Thank you so much for stopping by to read this post. I hope you have learnt a thing or two from this story. And for those who have asked me or wondered, it is not my personal story.

We hope to see you here again. Have a blessed week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

Every Attention I got was a Blessing! 2

Attending this conference is the best thing that has happened to me in a while (I am very serious). Although I attended the conference reluctantly, I learnt a whole lot and I am glad that I did not decline the invite. From the different speakers, I was able to figure out that I was indeed beautiful and I could beautify my life the more by working on certain areas of my life and developing myself. Before this conference, I had focused on my facial beauty so much that I was already losing the inner beauty which is more important. I learnt that although a beautiful face is good, that is not what necessarily keeps a man. The facial beauty could fade but the inner beauty never fades.

In fact, one of the speakers had spoken like she had a book where every single thing about my life and all the incidences that had occurred were written. She was so down to earth, yet so real. She talked about the fact that many people give excuses for acting in a particular way or engaging in a particular act. According to her: “your so called disadvantage should not push you to a greater disadvantage. The fact that you think you are not good enough or not beautiful enough, should not make you do crazy things”. This was definitely for me. I knew and accepted that I was not facially beautiful but I also allowed this ‘thought’ of mine push me to doing crazy things and this definitely was not good for me.

I decided to make a conscious effort to develop my inner self. I began to work on myself when I realized that even though I did not consider myself facially beautiful, I could work on my character and charisma which would get people attracted to me. I began to read a lot because I also wanted to be able to have intellectual conversations with people. This ‘inner-self’ development was going on well but I sometimes fell back to where I was coming from.

The supermarket guy (SG) and I remained friends but remember I said that I was not sure about being ready to commit to any relationship. The conference made it worse for me. Worse in the sense that it made me decide to cut off contacts with guys for a few months so that I could really work on myself and get my self-esteem. He seemed really nice and different from the other guys I had ever had anything to do with but I was quite different now from when he met me. I was still lonely but I now had a different view about life generally and I was ready to be a better me.

SG’s attitude towards me was beginning to change and I guess this was as a result of the new thinking cap that I had put on. I refused to give an answer to him but I still wanted us to be friends. He was obviously not ready to accept my lovely offer of friendship so he left. He had asked me to do something that the former me (i.e. before the conference) would have done, regardless of the short time in which I met him but thankfully at this time there was a change. I was so glad that I could say no because this rarely happened. I had gotten so used to doing somethings that I said yes without thinking when the request came. 

Despite all these positive changes and development, there were times that I would still look at any guy and say “maybe he is the one” and the moment he came to speak to me, that was it. The decision to avoid contact with guys for a few months did not last long at all. I got into further relationships and worse things happened to me. I thought I had grown! I thought I had gotten to the point where I could boldly say that all that I did was now in my past! I thought I was beginning to re-enhance my self-worth but I was quite far from it. I fell again!

Please stay tuned! Do not go anywhere!

Thank you so much for stopping by, we hope to see you next week.

OneLove,
SomzyBrown

Every Attention I got was a Blessing!

I was so tired of staying at home, so I decided to take a stroll out of the estate where I live. To be honest, I just wanted to be able to see people and know that I was not alone in this world (smiles). My younger sister who lived with me had moved out of the house because she could not cope with my ‘frustrated’ self. So I was home alone! The estate was so quiet and as I passed by, I could barely count one or two people on my way. I therefore decided to go to the supermarket. My thought was that “at least there will be some people there”. Indeed I was right, there were a lot of people at the supermarket and I made a new friend.

I met him at a supermarket not too far from the house. “He is charming and friendly” I thought to myself. He smiled at me and said “hey beautiful, can I have a chat with you?” No one had ever referred to me as beautiful and at that point I was almost getting depressed on the fact that I was ugly. This name was worth more than gold to me but I had to be careful - “Is this a name he calls every woman or lady he sees or am I really beautiful?” I could not help but ponder.

I had gotten so carried away with the fact that he had called me beautiful and I had forgotten to respond. “Hello!!” he said trying to remind me of the question he asked. “Oh I’m sorry, yes you can” I responded. We began to talk and he saw me as an interesting person but was I really an interesting person? I had serious doubts about who I was and this was bad for me. He further asked “I will like to continue this conversation with you, can I have your number please?” I was not going to say no to this, I was lonely and bored so why not? “Yes, this is it…”

We became friends and in less than two weeks, he popped the question. Do you think two weeks was too quick? Well I thought it was because we barely knew each other even though it seemed like we had grown close so fast. I was not sure I was ready to commit to anything yet and you will get to understand why. He acted like a good person. I say ‘acted’ because I have met many good actors in this life. People who you could call the nicest people but the moment you got into a relationship with them, everything changed. It was just safe for me to assume that everyone was an actor until proven otherwise.

Although I was really lonely, I had made some costly mistakes which I was not willing to make again. I was on the quest to finding the right man and so every guy I met appeared to be a potential one. The fact that I felt I was ugly made it worse for me and so every attention I got was a blessing. I am sure you are surprised at the use of the word ‘blessing’. To be honest, getting attention from guys was worth more than gold because this rarely happened.  I was tired of being or feeling so cheap (i.e. jumping at every guys request because it was rare) but then that seemed like the only way to boost my self-pride. Was it really working though? No!!!!

I could tell no one about this but then I finally decided to speak to a friend who made it a point of duty to encourage me in every way she could. Her encouragement meant a lot to me and I was grateful that I had finally let out my feelings to someone. She called me one day and told me about a Women's conference that she attends and which has helped her a lot. She invited me for the women’s conference but I was not willing to attend. She made me see reasons why I needed to attend but was I going to attend?

Stay tuned as I continue with this next week.

Thank you so much for stopping by. We cannot wait to have you back next week. Until then, stay blessed.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

WE CAN MAKE THIS WORK!

On my way out with some of my friends, we heard some women having a conversation and one of them said “if my husband does…I will just divorce him”. This struck a conversation between us and we expressed our shock as to how nowadays people are not willing to tolerate even the littlest mistake in marriage. In the words of one of my friends, “people treat marriage like relationships”. Although relationships are not just to be broken anyhow (hence the need to be extremely careful before getting into one), a relationship can be broken. A relationship is way different from a marriage because you have not yet said “I do” to the person you are with.

Marriage is way different and it is sadly gradually becoming really trivialized. He comes back late from work and you go “I cannot deal with this” or maybe she forgets to cook for you and you go “I am tired of this woman”.  No one is trying to say that coming back late from work is good or bad but then, you cannot at the slightest mistake/error/mishap say that you want to divorce a man or a woman. The truth is that the other woman that you think will cook that food when you divorce this one or the other man you think would come back early from work when you divorce him, might do that but then they would also have areas that you are not comfortable with. So are you going to keep divorcing and remarrying? Think about this!

The problem we have nowadays is that because this divorce thing has become very common, many people (especially youths) now go into marriage with the idea that “if he/she misbehaves, I will divorce him/her”. This is a very wrong mentality and we need to be careful about this. It is wrong and highly unadviceable for you to ever go into a marriage with the idea behind your heart that once your partner does something wrong, you will just get a divorce. I remember a Pastor once said “My wife and I made up our minds when we got married that divorce is not an option” and this got me thinking. We can learn from this: DIVORCE SHOULD NOT BE AN OPTION and should not be the first thing we think about when something in our marriage goes wrong.

Sadly but truly, people are no longer willing to tolerate even the littlest thing and this is really bad. There are extreme cases, I agree that might warrant you making that decision and I would not go into that today. But my focus is on the fact that we need to start renewing our minds about this divorce thing. We need to start working on being patient and tolerant people and not giving up at the slightest opportunity or mistake.

If you are already married, please try not to think of divorce at the slightest opportunity. Please try to be willing to make things work no matter what it may cost you. Your marriage is not a football ground where players can just be changed anyhow. Marriage is deeper than this and so we need to be extremely careful. Please be patient! I am not in your shoes and I might not know how difficult it is for you at the moment but you can think deeply about it. Your marriage is workable! Maybe just a little patience, a little understanding will help. If you are going through this, I really pray God helps you with this and gives you wisdom.

For those of us that are not yet married, we need to consciously get this mentality out of our heads! Please do not get married to anybody with the thoughts that “if he or she makes a mistake, you will just get a divorce”. This is wrong. We have to build ourselves to the level that we become very tolerant and patient people. Marriage is the coming together of two different people from different backgrounds and sometimes with different characters. What this implies is that there would be a clash but then how you handle the clash or differences is what matters.

God’s standard has not changed and this is different from belonging to the old school or new school. God says that “He hates divorce” and so that is His standard so why do we think that being a 21^st century Christian or person changes this standard? No! It does not in anyway.

I really pray for each and every one of us (myself inclusive) that God will help us to understand the real essence of marriage so that we do not take it for granted. I pray that we exhibit the fruits of the Spirit so that our marriages will be better for it. I pray for a high level of tolerance and understanding in Jesus name (Amen!)

OneLove,

SomzyBrown