Last week, we introduced a conversation between two friends where one was complaining about how impossible it is to please his girlfriend. The other based on experience, adviced him to study and discover her needs because his assumption of what is important to her might be wrong. This conversation led to us introducing the book titled "The Five (5) Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. This is a book that would help you discover the love language of your spouse. I can assure you that this journey would be an insightful one and one that you will enjoy so please sit tight and enjoy the read.
The first thing that Gary Chapman wants each and everyone of us to note is that - your spouse has a love tank and there is a need to always get our his/her love tank full. As a loving spouse that you are, your desire should be to make your spouse feel loved by doing the things that you know are important to him or her. Although everyone has a duty to discover what makes your spouse's love tank full and what could make it low, these 5 love languages will serve as a guide to knowing what he or she really needs. The first love language that we will discuss is WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
Words of Affirmation could be likened to compliments given to a person. According to Gary Chapman, words of Affirmation are "verbal compliments or words of appreciation..." Saying words like "You look beautiful in that dress" or "You're so beautiful my darling wife" could make a woman's love tank go up. Also words like "I am proud of the man that you are" or "You're so responsible..." could make a man's love tank sky rocket. When your spouse does something good, s/he deserves a compliment from you. It's not enough to say it in your mind (many of us are guilty of this), you should let him or her know that you really appreciate him picking you up from work or taking out the rubbish or even assisting in cleaning the house. You have to be ready to compliment him/her for everything they do.
Another part of Words of Affirmation is dishing out encouraging words to your spouse especially in areas that you know s/he feels insecure. Sometimes it is easy to get carried away by focusing only on what's important to you, forgetting that your spouse might be failing (or may feel like s/he is failing) at what is important to him/her. Encouraging words at such times would definitely lift the spirit of your spouse up. For example, if your husband has been out of a job for a while and he has been making efforts to get one but all to no avail, he would appreciate if you encourage him. You might think he needs to do something better but maybe your advice can come after much encouragement. Gary Chapman gave an example of a lady who loved to write but had failed at it and had been rejected a couple of times. Her husband suddenly realised that he had not been paying attention to the 'writing' side of his wife (which he knew was important to her) and so he decided to read one of her articles. After doing so, he had a conversation with her and told her that she was an excellent writer and that she should ensure she sends her articles out to Magazines to get published. This had a great impact on her as she was already beginning to lose hope in her skills as a writer. This is a call for everyone to pay attention to what is important to your spouse and be there to encourage him or her with the right words.
Kind Words - According to Gary Chapman, you have to be very careful with the tone of your voice when speaking to your spouse. Two same statements can be interpreted to mean different things depending on how it is said. Your spouse deserves to be spoken to in kind manners and with kind words so this is a call for you to develop this habit. When s/he does something terrible, the words you speak matters. There is a tendency to want to speak harshly but you have to consciously speak kind words. Your words can be kind even though you are passing across a message of distaste or dislike about something that your spouse did or failed to do.
Humble Words - When asking for something, we are adviced to be careful not to make demands but to gently make requests. "Honey can you kindly help take the kids to school today" is different from "I've been taking the kids to school and I am tired so take them today..." When you make a request, you're reaffirming the worth and abilities of your spouse but when you make a demand, you become a tyrant.
What if you're not good with words of Affirmation? What if it's not your thing? Well if it is important to your spouse, you will need to learn how to speak words of Affirmation. Gary Chapman suggests that when you read books or watch movies where such words are used, you can write them down in a book and in no time you will have more than enough words. He also suggests that you talk to family and friends about him or her (positively) and that someday someone or some people will let him/her know how you really feel about your spouse.
Finally, the fact that your love language or one of them is words of Affirmation doesn't mean that the same thing applies to your spouse. You have to carefully discover what is important to your spouse and this leads us to the next love language. Who can take a guess?
Thanks a lot for stopping by, we hope you've gained a thing or two and we hope to see you next week as we continue with the next love language.
OneLove,
SomzyBrown
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