Growing up was not so much fun for me and I felt really sad about many things. I was troubled but because I was a seemingly happy child, no body knew that I was having it really hard (i.e. going through a hard time). I could not talk to anybody about how I felt and I was just ready to suffer inside and by myself. You might be wondering what exactly the problem was but be patient and you shall understand.
The backbone of my trouble was based on the fact that I did not see myself as someone that deserved to be loved because to me, I was at a great disadvantage. My other friends were beautiful and I did not think I was because I did not see myself as one and nobody had told me I was.
"Seeing yourself in a particular manner matters because regardless of what other people say, you know who you are and you are able to hold on to it."
I went out with friends who always got admired by the opposite sex but all I got was a handshake and maybe a fake smile. This really got at me because I wondered if I had a problem. "What exactly is happening to me? Why on earth will my friends be admired and asked out and I wouldn't?" I always thought to myself. Everybody wanted to be friends with me but that was it. This whole friendship thing was really annoying. Yes, I was referred to as being friendly but I wanted something more. I did not want it to stop there! I mean friendship was and is good but I also wanted to be admired and asked out on a date like my friends.
There was this day I went out with my closest friend at that time. We met this guy who spoke to me first, I thought he was interested in me and this got me really excited. You're surprised right? Don't be! For someone who felt deprived from the interests of guys, this meant a lot to me. We got talking but I began to notice that he was looking at my friend in a certain manner that sent a picture that he was interested in her. This hurt me badly but it was not my friend's fault. I mean a guy was interested in her over me, why would I blame her for such action? I felt bad especially when he referred to me as a nice and friendly girl before we left. "Is that all he could say about me? Couldn't he at least say that I was fine?". I knew I was friendly but I did not want that to be the only noticeable thing about me!
Before I continue, I will like to point out the fact that at that time, I was just 15 years old and although I was not exactly interested in having a boyfriend, knowing that I was admired and that someone saw me worthy to be asked out would have made a whole lot of difference. I just wanted to have the 'feeling'. The feeling of not being loved affected me a great deal and it made me sad. Every time my friends and I went out, I came back home crying. I felt really bad but really what could I do? Yes, we were young but that did not change the fact that I deserved and wanted to be admired. Few people had referred to me as 'fine girl' but there was no way that could sink in because in the real sense of it "I wasn't a fine girl " or let me say I did not see myself as one.
Please stay tuned and we shall see you next week. Thanks for stopping by.
OneLove,
SomzyBrown
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