I WAS MYSELF'S PROBLEM! 2

Beauty they say is in the eyes of the beholder. I was blinded and always thought I was not as fine as my friends or peers and this affected me a great deal. I was quite smart and intelligent but because of the low self esteem that had built up, I found it hard to be my best at my academics and other important activities. This feeling continued for a while and I missed out on a lot of things because of this self imposed inferiority complex.

The amazing but annoying thing as I look back is the fact that nobody ever told me that I was not a fine girl but they also did not say that I was fine either. Rather than focusing on developing myself and becoming a better me, I focused on not being a fine girl and not getting the attraction from guys/men like my friends were.

Apart from not seeing or imagining that I was a fine girl, there was one other issue - I also thought I was very fat. This thought was so disheartening and depressing and I felt really bad. I was careful about what I wore and tried to hide my figure underneath my very big clothes. However, this did not work because I still heard the same words "you are fat". I felt terrible and looked for every possible means to lose weight but nothing was working. I starved myself and went without food on many days. This act of mine was of great concern to my parents but I did not care.

Apart from being down about my weight, people always gave me the impression that I could never lose weight . Many times they said to me "you're so fat and you will remain this way and even be bigger". Many times, I tried to put their words behind me but it was the most difficult thing ever. This feeling was quite different from the one about not being a fine girl because while in the latter, nobody referred to me as 'fine' , in the former I was being referred to as FAT.

I went around feeling really down about my size and I almost got depressed over it. This went on for a few years and even when I had successfully lost some weight, I still felt down and bad about my stature. I allwowed the words of other people define who I was which is the wrongest thing to do.

About a year or two ago, I began to change my perspective about myself. I listened to people who had been through the same thing and what I learnt was "you decide whether you are pretty or not. You decide whether you are too fat or not. You make the decision to be who you want to be. If you see yourself as too fat or ugly, other people will see you in that light. However if you carry yourself as one is appropriately normal and beautiful, others will see you as that as well."

I began to work on myself by embarking on a research on how to lose weight and get a good body shape.  Later on, I was able to gradually get over this feeling as I began to look at myself with an inner eye which made me see myself as not just fine but beautiful. I was no longer looking forward to hearing it from somebody or people, I consciously and continuously told myself what I wanted to hear from other people.

Indeed I was ' MYSELF'S PROBLEM. I have learnt a lot from my experience and I really hope you have as well. You're the only who determines who you are and who you want to be. You can get confirmation from others but your opinion about yourself should not be based on that of other people. 

Anonymous.

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OneLove,

SomzyBrown