THIS WASN'T HOW I PLANNED IT!

 

If you're one of those people who have been pressured or asked numerous questions about not being married, this is for you. I know you might have heard this a million and one times but seriously this is the truth - it is Better to get married late than to get married to the wrong person.

A lot of people get pressured into getting into a relationship or marriage. Some parents would even say to their wards "Just bring any one home" "There's no perfect one out there so just bring someone home to us". As a result of this, many do not do their due diligence properly, they bring 'anyone' home and decide to get married to 'anyone' not taking their time to prayerfully discover if this 'anyone' is the right person for them.

I had a discussion recently with some people and I said that parents or guardians who make their children rush into getting a relationship or marriage are the same ones that would be full of regrets when they discover the wife or husband of their child is not who they thought he or she was. 

In my opinion, it is better to wait and be sure that you want to be with someone or that you are both compatible in all important areas before jumping into the decision of marriage.

So just incase you're angry at the fact that things didn't go the way you planned or expected, please know that it is somehow going to work out for your good. Please do not be pressured and thanks for not yielding to all the pressure that might have come your way.

Yes, it's the end of 2021 and you really hoped that that handsome man would find you or that you'll find that beautiful woman and it hasn't happened yet. I know that there were a lot of disappointment, heart break and what not but please do not give up! Remain hopeful and prayerful and you'll share the testimony of how God worked it out for you. 

Managing just anyone shouldn't be an option for you. People who go into marriages saying there's no perfect one and settle for less are most times full of regrets. Please be patient, work on yourself, engage in activities and be hopeful cos although it's the end of the year, God is writing your story and so it's not the end of  your life.

He'll come; She'll come and in due time by God's grace.

Thanks for coming to this blog every now and then and thanks for being amazing. God bless you real good. Merry Christmas in arrears and a happy new year in advance.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

PAIN, SHAME AND GUILT...2

Memories of all that my dad did to me as a young girl affected me in so many ways. I became really shy and all that clouded my mind was how mean and heartless my father was. My friends always talked about the lovely relationships they had with their fathers and this made me really jealous. I wished I could say same but any discussion about my dad brought serious tears to my eyes.

Talking to guys became very scary for me because it felt like they were all the same and would do the same thing to me and so I avoided the male gender like a plague. I thought I could even have some as friends but I was too scared to allow my last experience repeat itself. 

I had vowed never to forgive him for the hurt, the pain and the shame I felt as a result of his wicked nature and inability to control himself.  But then I met someone...

We became close and I fell in love with him. However, I was really bitter and this affected our relationship. He tried to be patient but now that I think about it, I wouldn't have been patient with me at that time as well. I lost him and it was sad so I knew I had to fix this problem. I spoke to a senior friend who in turn introduced me to a Therapist. 

Undergoing Therapy wasn't the easiest thing but it was certainly the best thing ever. I had to express how I felt in a way that I had never done before and I felt relieved (at least to an extent). During this period, I discovered and  decided to forgive my dad. Hmmmmm, this was extremely difficult but it was highly necessary because without this forgiveness, I was going to remain hurt and I would keep hurting everyone around me. 

It took time to understand and grasp why I had to be the one to forgive. "Shouldn't it be my dad running to me for forgiveness for all that he did to me as a young daughter of his?" I thought but then my Therapist said that I needed healing and I needed to be a happy person again and so if I wanted all of this, I had to forgive and let go.

I became a better person after forgiving my dad. I gradually became capable of talking to guys and maintaining friendship or relationship with them.  I am definitely in a much better place as I regain my dignity and sanity.

If you have a similar experience, please speak to someone about it and take the step of forgiving whoever might have abused you or wronged you. You are doing it for you because you deserve to be free and happy.

Thanks for reading my story. I hope it has inspired you in one way or the other. 

Anonymous

Thanks for stopping by. God bless you and see you soon. 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

PAIN, SHAME AND GUILT.

There's so much to say yet so little to explain. So much has happened to me within this short period of my life than even some older people. I mean where do I start from? Is it from the abuse I experienced by my own father? Strange right? Well, maybe not so strange. My blood father took advantage of me when he was supposed to be the one person that protected me from any form of abuse. Yes, I mean my biological father, not my stepfather...

I had no clue what was going on cos I was really young and naive. I couldn't talk to my mum about it because she always went on about how much she loved and trusted her husband. Was I going to be the one to destroy her 'sweet' marriage? Oh no! I wasn't going to do that. 

My dad would casually call me to his room especially when he knew mum was busy in the kitchen and would touch different parts of my body especially my private part. He would have sex with me and what not.  The first time this happened, it was extremely painful and I became so withdrawn. My mum noticed and would ask for why I had suddenly become a quiet girl but I couldn't say a word.

I went from being at the top of my class to nearly missing the last position in my class. This wasn't funny at all. The saddest part of this was that I'll get beaten by the one person that was behind my failure. He'll beat me and call me all sort of names but still come for my body. Sad right?

My poor and innocent mother noticed that my father was fond of me and she was happy that he was close to his first daughter. She even got worried that my dad wasn't as close to my other Siblings as he was to me. God forbid! Thank God he wasn't trying any rubbish with them at least so I thought.

To be continued...

Thank you so much for stopping by, we hope to see you soon.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

I THOUGHT I COULD FIX IT...

 

Seek help! Seek help! Be a receiver of help. 

How often do you say to yourself- "I've got this figured out"; "I'll be fine"; "I'll fix this"...

While it is true that you can fix somethings and while it is true that you indeed will be fine, you cannot fix everything by yourself.

I once wrote about the need of a mentor in one's life and this is key because sometimes you need to talk to people that have gone ahead of you but also ensuring that they are right for you and have the same mindset or belief or values as you do.

What happens if you don't have a Mentor? There must be someone in your corner or space that you can talk to. It could be a sibling, distant relative, senior friend, close friend, aunty, uncle, colleague etc.

Many people suffer from the "I'll be fine " syndrome because they bottle a lot in and do not end up being fine. I've been here a few times and I know it's terrible and uncalled for. It's not worth it. Many times I have conversations with God about how I feel but other times, I need to talk to someone physically.

I am here to encourage you to seek help!

There was a time in my life that I went through something that almost broke me and almost made me lose my self-worth. I couldn't even believe that this was happening to me. I couldn't really talk about this to anyone because I felt so ashamed to open my mouth to say that I was going through that stuff. But guess what? I finally opened up to few people. Things didn't turn around immediately but I felt light after having these conversations with some people I respect. Not all of that issue is resolved but I'm in a better place.

To be honest, this is something I struggled with for a long time. I don't like to ask for help not because I am proud but majorly because I hate to bother people with my issues. Many times, we cannot sort out our issues ourselves and we need to be willing to admit this and seek help. However, this help must be sought from the right people. Be sure that you can trust this person you want to pour your heart out to.

Even the Bible encourages us to seek and we shall find. If you're struggling with anything at all, do not hesitate to ask for help. The fact that your mum, dad, aunt, uncle or close friends appear to be able to handle things doesn't mean you should put yourself under pressure.

Get all the help you can afford to get, you will feel better if you do!!!!!!

Thanks for stopping by.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

WHY THE BEEF?

Bridget is getting married and she informs her friends about this new phase of her life but while some of them are happy for her, some of them begin to pass rumors around that she forced herself on the guy or maybe she's even pregnant. None of the rumors are true but they are a sign that they are not happy about the good thing that is taking place in their friend's life.

Many of us are very guilty of this. We do this often - We see our friends doing well in their relationship or marriage and we 'beef' them. We get jealous and spread rumors about them instead of rejoicing with them. You hear that a friend, acquaintance or colleague is getting married or has just had a child and for some reason known to you alone, you are unhappy.

This is not good and I'm here today to encourage us to stop. I saw a picture after I had written this and it really summaries my message to you today. I'll like to encourage us to rejoice with those that rejoice. The fact that it hasn't yet happened to or for you, is not a licence to be unhappy or jealous. Learn to celebrate people's successes. Your turn would come and instead of people spreading rumors about you, you will want them to celebrate with you.

Although this is in regards to relationships, it is applicable to every area of life. We all need to form the habit of rejoicing and celebrating with people. There's absolutely no reason to mock people's victories, downgrade it or water it down. If you want people to rejoice with you, then you must rejoice with others. And even if you cannot be bothered about people rejoicing with you, still rejoice with others.

Whenever a negative thought comes to your heart about your friend, colleague or loved one who is doing well or celebrating milestones, pray for them and say it loud that you rejoice with them. This way, you'll be able (if you're serious) to erase any ill feeling or thought towards them.

I hope that we will all try to be better people and that we will celebrate people's wins instead of spreading false rumors or downgrading their victories. If they are getting married, celebrate with them. If they've just gotten a new appointment, celebrate with them, if they are pregnant or they've just had a child, celebrate with them.

Thanks for stopping by. God bless you real good. Have a blessed week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

HE TICKED ALL BUT ONE!

I have had series of conversations with people (especially married) about this and I have discovered that many people did not have ALL their boxes ticked. Some had majority of the things on their list ticked, some did not have plenty things ticked and for some it was half and half. I also realised that although not all the boxes were ticked, many of these people went on to get married or get into a relationship with these people. The question is why?

For some people, they said that they realised that many of the things on their list wasn't relevant or at the core of what they really wanted. Some wrote the list because their friends had a list and did not want to be the odd one out. Regardless of what inspired you to have a checklist, it is okay to have one but please review often and with the help of God you'll do this rightly. It is important so that you're not driving people away because of the things that are minute or unimportant.

I know of someone I respect so much who said she had all her boxes ticked except for one thing on the list but guess what? She decided to get married to the man. She struggled with it for a bit but resolved that she could do away with that one thing even though it would require a lot of things and sacrifice from her.

For me, God-fearing; family-man; good cook; good looking etc. were some of the things I was particular about and so even though there were other things on my list, theae once stood out and I could make a decision based on them. I struggled with some other things which were on my list but not present in him or some things that I didn't want but I resolved with myself that those things were not at the core of me and although they were cool, they were not 'so important' (i.e. they would not affect me or the relationship negatively).

In summary, it is okay to have a list but don't be too rigid with the list. Be willing to adjust or do away with some things on your list. Sometimes the things on your list are not as important as what you really need in a person and God might be trying to tell you this. There's no perfect person but this also doesn't mean you should settle for less. However, be willing to review and accommodate certain things (you know those things better). 

Allow God lead you in making this decision and it's my prayer that you get it right maritally in Jesus name.

Thanks for stopping by, God bless you real good.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

CAN ONE PERSON TICK ALL THE BOXES?

 

When we talk about ticking all the boxes, what do we mean? Okay so let's explain in the simplest way possible and with an example: 

Bayo desires to get into a relationship or marriage and has certain attributes that he'll love to see in a lady that he intends to be with (e.g. great cook, outer beautiful, intellectual etc.) Bidemi wants to be with a guy who has six packs and plenty money etc. While some people (especially ladies), write down these attributes, some others just have it in their head and are quick to move on when a potential guy or lady doesn't meet up.

Is it wrong to have a list? Absolutely not! Everyone is allowed to have expectations of the preferred man or lady that they would  love to spend the rest of their life with. The List can be endless from TDH (Tall, Dark and Handsome), beauty queen to working in an "oyel" company, to having a ride, having an apartment, having a figure eight shape, 'lepa', six packs etc...

But what happens when a man or woman doesn't tick many or some of the boxes that you have either in your heart or on paper? Should you take a risk to be with such a person with the hope that things would be fine? Sometimes the things on these lists are overrated or too stringent, they may be things that are possible to find in a person but they may also be very rare attributes. Deciding to keep waiting for a person that ticks ALL the boxes when the unticked ones are things that do not really matter or things that can be changed easily, might not be a wise decision.

The truth is that many times we know what we want but do not necessarily know the kind of person we need and because of this many of us either end up with the wrong person or neglect the right person for us. God knows who is best for us, He knows who we need as against who we want and if we involve Him, He'll help us know when we're just being ridiculous or the things to take off the list.

To be continued...

Thanks for stopping by and God bless you.

OneLove

SomzyBrown