HOW LONG IS LONG ENOUGH?

There are so many questions these days around the amount of time, number of weeks, months, years that is adviceable to be in a relationship for before getting married. Many wonder if there is a set time for this and I'll talk about this below.

Marriage is very important and it's highly necessary to know certain things about a prospective spouse. In order to do this, it is important that you spend quality time with the person cos only then would you really find out things that you need to know (especially whether the person matches your desires or is your spec).

However, there is no set time to when you should get married to someone you've been in a relationship with. I don't advice really long relationships (i.e. 4 years) even though some of these have led and could lead to marriage. There are people who only get into a relationship and stay for a year and gbam they feel ready to get married.

As long as you've done your due diligence about this potential spouse well, prayed and asked God to reveal things that you need to know and you're sure that you will love to spend the rest of your life with this person then I believe you're good to go. This could be for 6 months, 1 year or more but the bottom line is that you're surely willing and ready to spend the rest of your life with this person.

I guess from the above we have answered the question that there is really no set time on how long you should date or be in a relationship with someone before you get married. Also please don't be a time waster, I beg you in the name of God. If you know the relationship is going no where, why are you deceiving him or her by staying in it? Call it off if you're sure you can never get married to the person. No one deserves to be given false hopes please. 

Thank you so much for stopping by. God bless you real good.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

DON'T IGNORE THE SIGNS!

 

A friend of mine told me about something his girlfriend did and this particular act scared the life out of him and everyone around her. No one could talk to her and she wasn't willing to listen to anyone who tried. It got so bad that she went silent on everyone that she considered important. Yes, it was that serious!

She came around much later and at a time that he had decided to move on with his life. She pleaded with him and he forgave her. They continued with the relationship and got married. Before they got married, she repeated the same action twice but always came back with a concrete reason on why she had to 'disappear'. This usually happened after an argument and now that they are married, it hasn't stopped.

We hear everytime that there is no perfect person anywhere. While this is VERY true we need to be careful not to use this as an excuse to get into a relationship or get married to just anybody OR to go ahead with a marriage when we know there are some backend issues that we can't live with.

Yes, your friends and family members would put pressure on you but remember that they won't be there in the marriage. You will be able to talk to them and share your pains but they would never fully understand what you're going through. So this shouldn't be a reason to get married to someone you're not comfortable with for good reasons.

When you see the signs (which you will see), don't ignore. You know the things you are uncomfortable with, you know the characters that turn you off. He does something, she says something or does something that doesn't sit well with you... 

Sit, think and check to be sure that it's just a one-off or a one-time thing. Be careful to only go on with the things you know you can cope with or you're comfortable with. The signs you see today will remain if they are not deliberately worked on so be sure that you can cope with such character, habit or behavior even in marriage.

Thank you so much for stopping by. God bless you and open your eyes to see those signs that are important. May God also give you wisdom so you choose your life partner wisely. Amen.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

SOMETHINGS ARE NOT WORTH IT!

Domestic abuse has been talked about a lot. Although this is not the only kind of abuse that exists, it is one of the most rampant. Everyone heard about the story of one of the popular gospel musicians and many felt really sad that she went through all of that.

Domestic abuse is not an easy subject and I wouldn't consider myself an expert or authority in this area. However, I'll share a few things that I believe would or could help someone.

Many times the fear that victims of domestic abuse/violence face is the common: WWPS (What will people say?). They forget that their life is so precious and even more precious than comparing their lives to others or being bothered about what friends, neighbors, family members will think of them. Please move past what people will say or think of you and first of all save yourself and your children (if you have any).

If you by chance happen to be one of those people undergoing or have undergone domestic abuse please I beg of you don't blame yourself. It has nothing to do with you. This is the lie of the devil. Save yourself from the man/woman who lacks control over their emotions or physical abilities. Please do not subject yourself to such unnecessary pain cos it's not worth it. Yes there might be areas you need to work on because as we said earlier, no one is perfect but this is not a licence for anyone to beat or physically abuse you in anyway.

If you're in a relationship and you can see traits in your partner, please I beg you in the name of God, it is not by force to be with that person. Run for your life! You can pray for God to touch and change the person's heart but you can do that from afar. The fact that the person never used to be like that is not a reason to stay. Run far away until there is a 💯 percent assurance that the person has repented and is a changed person (I. e. no longer exhibits such traits).

Please you do not deserve to be maltreated or killed all in the name of love and no this is not allowed! Save yourself and not even in the name of your children should you choose to remain in an abusive relationship/marriage. 

The argument by many is that God hates divorce. Oh yes he does but God is not against separation so you can separate yourself from that spouse who may end up killing you if you don't take action. I'm really not sure of how best to express this but please your life is very important! And nothing is worth dying for. So please save yourself and let God help you.

Thanks for stopping by. God bless you real good. Have a blessed week and hope you enjoyed your holiday 😘.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

IN ALL THAT YOU DO, DON'T DO THIS!

The idea of getting married is fantastic but more awesome is getting married to the right person for you. The ball is in your court and the choice is for you to make so you'll need to exercise some care and wisdom in making this choice.

I read an article on making the right choice of a life partner and the effect of making a wrong choice and I thought to share it with my lovely people here. I hope you enjoy this read and learn one or two major things from it below:

Choose wisely, not only for you but also for your child.

Later in marriage when you hit parenthood, you'll realize what you really wish for in your spouse is not big money or a 'six-pack'. A pretty face and a good bank account are nice to have but at the end of the day, there's so much more you should be looking for.

At 3am when your child is crying, and your eyes are heavy and your body is weak from  postpartum, it will not be how he looks or what he owns that will matter. It'll be the compassion in his heart and the love for you in his soul that pushes him out of the bed to attend to the child immediately and say to you: "Go back to sleep, love. I've got this."

If I could tell the younger people what to consider in a companion, I would say marry the man who will be the best father for your children and the woman who would be the best mother for your children. The man/woman who will put you and your little family first, above all else. The man/woman who is as responsible as you are in raising a family because you both are in it together. In short, marry the person who will set a standard for a spouse in your children.

Because in all of these, whenever you watch your partner with your child, you'll find yourself falling in love all over again.

Choose wisely, not only for you but also for your child(ren).

Anonymous

I hope you enjoyed this read. Thank you so much for stopping by. God bless you real good. Have an amazing week.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO HEAL?

This question is one that is asked by so many people. While some are of the opinion that one should take a long time after a breakup before getting into another relationship because of how delicate the heart is, some others think that a person doesn't have to wait for too long because they can heal quickly.

What do you think? Please you can drop your comments in the comment box below.

People breakup their relationships or go through a breakup due to different explainable/unexplainable reasons known to them. Some of these reasons are: cheating, lack of proper communication; incompatibility etc. I personally believe that there are certain issues that occur in a relationship that shouldn't necessarily lead to a breakup but then people have to make these choices themselves.

After going through a breakup based on one or more of the reasons listed above, some people get into a very defensive mode where they guard their hearts from any other form of hurt. It is very okay to guard your heart but you need to determine what you are guarding it against and how long this should be for. Some people even decide they will never get into another relationship because of how terrible they felt after a breakup. While this is totally understandable, I do not think it is sufficient to make you lose out on the amazing guys or ladies that are out there. But how will you know this if you keep hiding and shying away from moving on? 

Back to the question...Healing process for people differs and you'll need to ensure that you have healed from the hurt (i.e. you've come to terms with and accepted the break-up) before getting into a relationship. This calls for you to do all that you can to heal very fast because no one (no matter how cute, sweet and loving) is worth crying over for months, years...

In fact, my Pastor once said that there's nothing wrong in being served breakfast today and getting into another relationship in 3 days time. I mean you have to heal so that you're not carrying the baggage and hurt from the last relationship into the new one. But he said this to say that you shouldn't mourn for too long after a breakup. 

So please, you do not need to mourn for too long as long as you have healed. Go out with friends and engage in fun activities that'll help you heal.

I really hope this helps someone. You need to heal and you need to heal fast. You also need to be willing to meet other people cos you just never know. 

Thank you so much for stopping by. Happy new month my wonderful people.

OneLove,

SomzyBrown

IT HAPPENED WHEN I THOUGHT IT WOULDN'T!

It was hard to stay away from Benjamin especially because he was a sweet person. Although I really liked him, I tried my best to hide my feelings. He knew the feeling was mutual but respected my decision not to get into a relationship yet. This even made me like him more. I mean instead of putting pressure on me to say yes, he just remained a good friend and rarely brought up the topic. 

He made it a point of duty to see me off to my hostel whenever we were together. On this particular day, I got to my room and I could not stop thinking about Benjamin. He was a good guy, a Jesus guy, a handsome guy, a sweet guy etc. The like was gradually growing into love so I decided I was going to say yes to him. "You've made my day! I am the happiest person right now. Thank you so much Cynthia. I promise never to take you for granted. I promise to always treat you right..." These were his words when I said yes to getting into a relationship with him. 

Benjamin had invited me to his house numerous times but I had made up my mind not to visit him until we were in a relationship. Now that I had said yes, I could go to his house right? I was eager to see what his house looked like so in no time, I visited him. Benjamin's house was so clean, tidy, organised and this made me love him even more. He cooked for me and made me feel at home. What a nice guy right? We sat together and talked about different things. During this period, I noticed his hands coming close to mine so I quickly stood up to do the dishes. While I was doing this, I felt a hand on my shoulders. It could be no one else but Benjamin's. I shrugged and he stopped. 

I left his house that day with the decision never to go there again. I loved him but I had to be careful. I had barely made the decision not to go to his house when I found myself there again. This time around, I allowed Benjamin put his hand on my shoulders and I held his other hand. My body was doing gish gish (I felt some sensation) and I was enjoying it. We didn't go any further and I was happy. 

Getting to my room, I thought about all that happened. How did I go from avoiding men to feeling this way for one man? I knew that something had changed in me and my roommates also noticed. 

The visits continued and the events grew from holding hands to kissing and on some occasions, sex almost happened. It was the last incident that made me realise that we had come too far and if we were not careful, we would engage in the one thing we vowed never to do. Benjamin and I were both strong Christians and we had decided that we were going to keep the bed undefiled. The truth is that the fact that we were in very close contact in a house where he lived alone, was like a trap that we had set for ourselves. I thought I was strong and able to withstand such actions but the Scripture says "let him that thinks he stands, take heed lest he falls". I therefore decided to speak to my mentor about it and that was when she gave that advice as we read last week.

Benjamin and I heeded to the advice from my mentor and even though it was really hard, we scaled through. I reduced my visits to his house drastically and I ensured that I only went when I knew someone else was going to be around. We also tried as much as possible to reduce the number of times that we were alone. This really helped us and we were gradually able to control our feelings and sensation and today, we are happily married.

Many times its difficult to abstain from sex but it becomes more difficult when the two people involved regularly stay alone. My advice for Christians like me is to avoid being alone with your boyfriend or fiance as the case maybe because it is most times when you are alone that such temptations are on the increase and it is more difficult to say no because 'no one' is watching.

I pray that God will help those of us that have made the decision to abstain from pre-marital sex (whether a virgin or not). He will strengthen us. Amen

Anonymous

Thanks a lot for stopping by and we hope to see you next week by God's grace. 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.

HOW DO YOU CONTROL SUCH FEELINGS?

"Open the doors and windows if no one is around you, that way you will be careful...although I would say that it is better to always have people around you..." These were some of the words from the advice given to me by my Mentor. 

"Thank you so much ma. Thank you for not judging me and thank you so much for listening to me. I will practice all you've said but I'ld appreciate you checking up on me." We had spent 2 hours discussing about an issue I had and I was grateful for her advice and hoped that it would be a lasting solution.

I grew up in Church and I had heard a million and one times that it was wrong and in fact a sin to have sex with the opposite sex until marriage. In fact, my Pastor always said these words over and over again "...keep the marriage bed undefiled..." These words soon became a worship song because of the consistency and passion with which he often said it. Trust youths to be very funny, whenever he came up to preach or give an exhortation, regardless of the topic for the day, we all shouted "keep the bed undefiled".

As much as I grew up knowing that pre-marital sex was wrong, nobody ever told me what to do to prevent it from happening. The secondary school warning from my mum that "if you go near a man, you will get pregnant" had proven to be false and I was now on my own. I had to figure this out somehow. I couldn't talk to any member of my fellowship about it because they all felt it wasn't a matter to be discussed.

Not sure of what to do and how to act when I was alone with a guy, I decided to avoid it by all means. I told myself that "it is better to stay away from men altogether than to get close and permit unexplainable acts". I stayed away from getting into a relationship and avoided talking to my male friends for too long. But for how long was I going to run away from men because of the fear of how to handle them? Was I not interested in getting married? And if I was, won't I need to get into a relationship first? Many people had shown interest in me but I ran with the speed of light as soon as they made their intentions known.

Continuing with this avoidance spirit was becoming annoying not just to my male friends but also to me. I felt a deep sensation when I was with a particular friend of mine but because of all that I had learnt both from Church and my fellowship, I began to bind and cast this feeling. "It must be the devil trying to make me feel this way." I thought to myself and the binding and casting increased as a result of this thought. Little did I know that it was okay to feel that way but not to awaken it until the time is ripe. I began to wonder why the devil was making me feel this way and so to avoid such feelings, I decided to stay away from this friend whom it appeared the devil was using.  

But was staying away the ideal thing and was it sustainable?

To be continued...

Anonymous

Thanks for stopping by.  God bless you real good 

OneLove,

SomzyBrown.