A list is a great way to put your thoughts together and to ensure that you have taken note of the important things to you as a person. As such, having a list of things that you desire in a future spouse is not a bad thing. However, it is important to consider the reality that you may not find someone with all the attributes in your list because as we said in the previous post - NOBODY IS PERFECT. So what then happens to your list? Does it mean you have to put it aside and lower your expectations? NO! Your list is still valid, even though some analysis and re-ordering might be necessary in order to avoid waiting forever for ‘the one’.
The first thing is to consider the components of your list. There is usually a high tendency for people to lay emphasis on physical and material things over and above other things because that is what they see first. If your list consists of primarily physical and material things, you might need to take a step back and think about more important things like character. The reason for this is that physical and material things are temporary (i.e. do not last long) and it is not impossible to be miserable even with a spouse that has all the physical and material things you desire.
Another thing to consider is dividing your list into two sections: ‘non-negotiables’ and ‘negotiables’. This will help put things into perspective and define your priorities.
‘Non-negotiables’ as the name implies are attributes that you cannot overlook. They are core aspects of a person’s character, personality, and behavior that are deal-breakers i.e. if the person doesn’t tick those boxes, you will have to say bye-bye. This section should comprise of things that are at the core of who the person is. A great example for Christians is the biblical instruction to not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. This means that for a Christian, a prospective spouse’s beliefs should be non-negotiable.
Other things that fall under this category are: values, mindset, character, maturity, and so on. The reason why they are non-negotiable is because they can significantly impact your life. For instance, someone who is materialistic and believes life is all about money will easily put their greed above the needs of their spouse which will negatively impact such person’s spouse.
‘Negotiables’ on the other hand are areas which though relevant, you are willing to bend on. These comprise mostly of physical things and relatively trivial things which will not matter in the long run and have no bearing on who the person is. The most common examples are physical attributes and material possessions. There’s nothing wrong with wanting someone who drives the latest car, has an hour glass figure, or is from the same tribe as you but we must not allow the absence of such attribute put us off a prospective spouse especially if the person ticks the boxes under the non-negotiables section.
There is the need to ask yourself why that attribute is so important and what impact it will have on your future in the long run. Again there’s nothing wrong with desiring certain physical attributes and material possessions but if you allow them have greater or equal weight with the core things like character and/or faith, there is the risk of making a wrong decision or turning away some really great people.
Also consider that some things can change/ be changed. For instance, someone with a bad fashion sense can learn how to dress better while someone who drives the latest car today may not do so tomorrow. The transient nature of such things shows that major decisions should not be hinged on them. We must not allow ‘packaging’ lead us astray.
Ultimately, as a Christian, it is important to be led by the spirit of God and not just your desires in making a decision about a future spouse. In addition, you should ensure that the kind of person embodied in your list would want to be with someone like you especially in the non-negotiable areas. If you want someone prayerful or diligent, ask yourself if you exhibit such skill. If you do not, what steps are you taking to ensure that you develop in that area you’re lacking? Chances are that someone who is prayerful would also want a prayerful spouse.
Thanks a lot for stopping by. We hope to see you here again. Please drop your comments if you have any.
OneLove,
SomzyBrown
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